Question about m/c vs. stillbirth...

[grace's voice]

I know this can be a painful topic, but I've been up every night for weeks worrying myself into a panic.

At what point, should I lose this baby, would I go from just bleeding to actually having to give birth to an intact body? And if this happens (I'm VERY sensitive to visuals out of the norm) what would I expect the baby to look like? I feel so wrong even being concerned about this, but I just can't get the thought out of my head. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to look at the baby, or else be permanently traumatized, and I feel guilty about that too. Also I worry I couldn't handle losing the baby, I'm only 11 weeks, but I already feel we've been through so much. I was never like this with my first pg, maybe I was just too nieve to worry. Any help you have for any of these concerns would be greatly appreciated (short of pics of stillborns, I can't handle that).

I also have this fear the baby will be born with a deformity, I have a phobia of deformities (another thing to feel guilty about). The only way I've thought to cope with this is don't look until someone tells me the baby is normal, or prepares me for what I'm about to see.

[riley&me]

First, try to relax, hard as that is. My little one is 33 wks (due early Jan), and I'm still having nightmares/bad dreams about all the what-ifs (although as I've had 3 2nd trimester miscarriages, I think I understand why I keep dreaming like that). If the worst should happen, and you do miscarry or have a baby who is born still, you can work with your care provider to choose the option that best meets YOUR needs and the point that you are at in your pregnancy. Whether that is a D&C, D&E, labour and delivery and or whether or not you see/hold your baby (if you are at a point where that is an option). I worked in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for about a year, and from about 20 wks on, they definitely look like babies - although kind of unfinished (for lack of a better description).

As for the disability/deformity issue, you might want to think through if you want to do ultrasounds to get that information, or wait and see at birth. For me, as I work with kids with special needs, I wanted ALL of the information that anyone could give me, and every time I need reassurance I pull out the 29 wk ultrasound and admire my wiggly little guy.... but everyone approaches these issues differently. Good luck.
Celeste

[zonapellucida]

I just want to say (((HUGS))))))) You have almost made it to tri no. 2 where your MC rate has dropped significantly. An US usually eases most minds so I suggest one NOW for you! Tell your dr. you feel extrmemly anxious. they hear it all the time and usually will shcdule without a question.

I think every pg woman worries about deformity. Note that one of the reasons why women MC is becsue of deformity ect. Please keep us posted!

[Maderella]

If this is a serious fear of yours that is causing panic you have nothing to worry about becuase rarely (very rarely would you just out of the blue miscarry or have a stillborn without any pre-warning symptoms. In the case of an early miscarriage you would have some bleeding and cramping and you could get to the doctor and if it was determined you had lost the baby you could opt for a D&C (not something I would recommend normally but mention it to ease your fear of seeing the baby). If you lost the baby later in the pregnancy where a delivery is needed (past the D&C time) you could tell the doctors you don't want to see the baby at all.

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and had a D&C and saw nothing. I also just had a stillbirth last May and although I was 21 weeks along the baby measured about 17 weeks and had been gone for awhile. :( I went into the delivery with every intention that I wanted to see the baby and hold her but to be honest her condition was traumatic for me to see and I am still healing from this.

[starbaby69]

First of all, hugs to you. I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. I would suggest sharing these fears with your mw or ob so they can help you through your feelings.

Should the absolute worst happen, I can only share with you my story.
I lost my daughter at 41 weeks. My first response was to not want to see her. But I can tell you with absolute certainty now that it was the best thing I could have done. The memories I have of holding her and seeing her face will remain some of the sweetest and most important of my life. Yes, she did look different from a breathing, crying baby. But I would be sitting here in the deepest regret had I not seen or held my daughter.

It is of course a personal decision. But it is with 9 months of grieving that I share this with you.

All my best to you.

[Metasequoia]

I agree with starbaby69 that it is your decision, ultimately, whether or not you choose to see your baby, should something happen, but if you choose not to, you may regret it (or you may regret seeing the baby, but I would think your regrets would be worse the other way.)
I m/c'd at 8 wks once & it was very traumatic even though it was still early. It was very painful & the student dr. was very insensitive & put everything in the trashcan. To this day I wish that I held what was to be my baby, even if it was unrecognizable.
Try not to worry, I think every mother has these fears but visualization of a healthy, term baby is very important, stress is not good for either of you.
Hugs, to you grace's voice. :Hug

[Lucky Charm]

I have only had first trimester mc's, my last one being 14 weeks. I didnt see anything.

My best friend had a still birth at 28 weeks, and she did not look at the baby or hold it (but she does have a memory box with pictures the staff took and a few other mementos). Her biggest regret is not looking at her baby. 10 yrs later she still agonizes over it.

Now, I have seen a few still births or "fetal demises" professionally. The babies look just like babies do. Depending on how many weeks...I do not find it scary at all (upsetting yes, scary, no).

One baby i "caught" quite by accident. The young girl was all of 15, told me she was spotting and was about 8 weeks along. However when I got her up from the wheelchair I noticed a puddle of fluid where she was sitting, then she announced that she had to go to the bathrrom and was feeling "weird pressure". I put her on the exam table and took a look....I mean, I am no L & D nurse or MW but you dont feel pressure unless the vaginal vault is full, right? Well, out shot this baby...who was a perfect boy. We dont know why this happened.

I too tortured myself with fears of miscarrying then stillbirth. Not until my baby was in arms did i relax.

[liseux]

My situation is very different because I lost my son when he was 7 weeks old, yet he was very sick from birth (at 41 weeeks). The hospital staff insisted that I see him right away as they thought he wouldn`t make it through the first night. It was because I had read about this before and thought a lot about it, that I knew I wanted to see him as much as possible. Most moms, including me, find that they feel as strongly about the sick/dying/dead child as much as their other children. Their appearance will probably not be shocking, very sad, but not scary.

In my own family there are a number of women older than me who had late losses and were not "allowed" to see their babies. Back in the day they thought they were protecting women by not letting them see their deformed or deceased babies. It was a very paternalistic hospital policy in most of this country. Because it seems to often make grief more complicate to not have a glimpse of what you are grieving, the policy was changed. Now most doctors and midwives make an effort to get moms to see the babies. I know that my relatives who never saw their babies admit to regretting it very much. Its a very personal thing, and one thing I hope you never have to deal with. Its a good thing to be able to discuss openly and there really is no "right" way to do it. I hope I haven`t offended those of you who didn`t see your babies, just that in my family, there wasn`t even a choice back then & now there is. I can`t say how I would personally deal with a late miscarriage or stillbirth, I might not want to see anything either. Hugs to all of you that are grieving.

[Nathan1097]

IOne baby i "caught" quite by accident. The young girl was all of 15, told me she was spotting and was about 8 weeks along. However when I got her up from the wheelchair I noticed a puddle of fluid where she was sitting, then she announced that she had to go to the bathrrom and was feeling "weird pressure". I put her on the exam table and took a look....I mean, I am no L & D nurse or MW but you dont feel pressure unless the vaginal vault is full, right? Well, out shot this baby...who was a perfect boy. We dont know why this happened.

She was fullterm?

[grace's voice]

Thank you all so much, you have been of more comfort than you can know. And my heart goes out to all of you who have lost your babies, or known someone who did. This is still in the back of my mind, but since reading these posts I haven't had any severe anxiety over it. When I posted I was so afraid people would think I was just being shallow and would be upset with me, but I was so concerned about this I had to take the chance. So thank you, everyone, for being so compassionate. This is something I would talk to my mw about, but I haven't been able to see her yet, my insurance doesn't start until next week. I really didn't even know there was an option to see the baby or not, I thought I HAD to, just knowing that helps so much. Who knows, if it does happen, I may at that point choose to see the baby, but at least I know now that it would be MY choice. At this point I think I would rather remember my pregnancy and being in tune with my child's spirit than his or her empty little body. In Bradley class we were told that if this happens we should hold the baby for at least 30 minutes and name him/her. At least now I know that I have options and, if it should happen, I can go with whatever my instincts tell me at the time.