anyone else with a nicu experience

[farmlife]

I don't have the mental energy to add too many details of our birth experience right now.
We did end up in the NICU for 1 week after an epidural free hospital childbirth.

I couldn't nurse after birth....they didn't let him have anything in his tummy for 24 hours, ivs full of who knows what, hep b vax (i was bamboozled...they told me I had to sign this form before they could transfer him to the NICU. I looked at it a couple weeks back and yes I had to sign it but I had the option to check the big box next to the NO!) oh my, and the worst part is my little boy cried. oh did he cry. and I am left with the worst momma on the planet feelings.

they put him in an oxygen tent and I could only touch his toes/foot. i had him at 4am and I don't think I was in the nursery with him until almost 7. Dunno? I think I was in shock. I remember just being in bed thinking I just had a baby. Where is my baby? and I could not reconcile that.

We are now attached by the boob most of the time. And when he is not on me/with me, he is with dh. It is been 3 months and I am starting to think about the hospital more than I would like. Thanks for reading while I work on processing this.

[liberal_chick]

My 30 weeker was in the NICU for 7 weeks, which included a surgery. It was really touch and go for a while and we, in all honesty, are VERY, VERY blessed that he's alive at all.

He's been home since the first of July and I still think about the hospital. It was a huge part of our lives for 17 weeks (I was there for 10 in addition to ds' 7 weeks) and not one that I can just forget about. It was horrible. It was traumatic. I was never able to establish breastfeeding b/c my body failed to carry a pregnancy the way it was supposed to. But I digress.

One thing that, I feel, is going to help me is obtaining our medical records and going through them. I want to read the things the docs didn't tell me about ds' condition. Combined, we have about 500 pages of records coming from the hospital.

The NICU is a tiugh experience and one that doesn't occur w/o leaving some scars. Hugs to you.

M.

[Brinda]

All three of mine were in the NICU, my son the longest. He was a 31 weeker and he stayed for 4 weeks. We had a positive experience, though. I went in everyday (hospital is an hour away) and tried to breastfeed. Mostly he was tube-fed, though. They called me after 2 weeks to come get him, but called me back to say they had lost and revived him, so he'd have to stay. I got more info when I got there. He had reflux, and one of the nurses placed him on his back. Problem is, he couldn't turn his head and choked on his reflux. I have never been more angry, they knew he had reflux. He wasn't on his back anymore, though.

I'm more worried about this baby, though. I just hit 14 weeks, and the docs are telling me that with my history and problems, we could be expecting a 24 weeker. Hoping big-time that doesn't happen!

[danav]

Noah was in NICU for 4 days. He was born at a free standing birth center, was a surprise breech, and required resucitation at birth. They did this out in the hall because that's where the equipment was, so I didn't even SEE him for 45 minutes after his birth - as he came out all I saw was a limp, gray body as the midwife scooped him up and rushed out of the room to the bassinet in the hall. I couldn't even see his face. When he was finally stabilized, they brought him back into the room for me to hold him for about 5 minutes before they took him down the street to the Children's Hospital. He was screaming (which was good - it took a while to get him to breathe on his own!), and when they handed him to me he was immediately calm and quiet. That was pretty cool. But I was in total shock about what had just occurred and was really not processing much of anything. I do remember begging the neonatologist to make sure no one gave him a bottle of anything at the hospital (and later saw that he did indeed write orders in huge letters on Noah's chart for "No bottles - cup or finger feed only until able to breastfeed").

DH followed the ambulance to the hospital while I stayed at the birth center. Noah was born at 10:16 pm, went to the hospital a little after 11 pm, and I was not able to get up there to see him until after 10 the next morning (that night was horribly surreal laying there with an empty womb and no baby in my arms)...I walked up to NICU by myself while DH parked the car, and I felt terribly disoriented not knowing the correct "procedure" to get into the unit, and then looking around for my baby among all the other beds. When I finally saw him I just burst out in tears and the nurse gave me a funny look - I could barely choke out "I haven't seen him since he was born 12 hours ago!!".

The NICU staff was great, but for those 4 days it did NOT feel like he was MY baby. I could only see him during certain hours (they made us leave during shift changes), there was no place for me to rest aside from a hard wooden rocking chair beside his bed and equally uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room. I was not allowed to nurse him for about 36 hours and I was terrified that we would have breastfeeding problems because of that...but thank the Lord he latched right on like a pro when we finally got the ok to try, and he never had a bottle or anything other than the breast. I slept in the waiting room (since there was no place to lay down in the unit), and they would come wake me every 3 hours to feed him. During the day I sat and held him in the rocking chair or camped out in the "nursing room" just so I could be alone with him.

He was finally ready to go home on the 4th day, but that was delayed until evening because he had developed jaundice and they had to make sure the phototherapy was starting to work. Then they had a home health person bring us a phototherapy lamp to take home, and both of us were appalled to see it was essentially a suitcase that we were supposed to lay our baby in around the clock (except when nursing) and we refused to take it. The home health person bend over backwards (after 5 pm) to arrange a bili-blanket instead, even though one of the docs advised against it saying it wouldn't work (which it did, by the way...his levels were normal after the weekend).

The whole experience was just surreal and SO not what I was expecting...we were home in our own bed hours after my first baby was born, and she never left my presence until after she was 6 months old! The immediate forced separation devastated me and did affect bonding. It was a few days after we got home that my attachment to my baby finally kicked in - he was sleeping on our bed and I was in the living room, when it suddenly hit me how much I MISSED him and I was overcome with the need to hold him RIGHT NOW. I ran to the bedroom, scooped him up, and just cried because it finally felt the way it was supposed to. Before that moment I would actually forget sometimes that he was there, and I felt like a monster when that happened!

It took a little while to grieve through his birth experience. My wonderful doula (who had had a NICU baby herself) helped me realize I needed to accept his birth, all of it, as the story of HIS birth even though it wasn't what I had planned. Everything that happened is his story, and I needed to be able to embrace that rather than try to stuff it down inside. With that advice and lots of grace and strength from the Lord, I healed eventually. I know that we are truly blessed that Noah is healthy and safe...he was really "ok" in the NICU, while I saw other parents sitting beside their tiny preemies and gravely sick babies who had been there 3 months already. I got to bring my baby home, without monitors, oxygen, feeding tubes, or special needs after only 4 days.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now...let yourself grieve for the birth experience that you lost. Cry and let yourself hurt and let yourself feel angry if you need to. Write out your baby's birth story if you haven't already, and maybe have others write out their versions of it as well. That helps get all the thoughts and feelings "out there" and organized in your head, to get them on paper. Like a previous poster, I also went to the hospital and got copies of Noah's chart - I just felt the need to read what had happened to him every moment of his time there since I missed so much of it. Then try to focus on letting those negative feelings go, accept that you can't change what has happened, but that you can move on and enjoy what you have now, and perhaps one day you can draw on your own experience to offer comfort, understanding, and help with healing to another mom going through a similar experience.

God bless - :hugs

[orangebird]

I've never had a baby in the nicu, but I've been a nurse in a nicu for 7 years. If you have any questions about things that were done that you still aren't sure about please feel free to ask me anything. You can feel free to PM me too. NICU is a terrifying experience for parents as it is, I hate to think you have unresolved issues and questions. I would love to help you process whatever you are still concerned about :)

[wombat]

My 6w ds was in the NICU for 1 week too. It is horrifying. We were a HBAC that turned into a hospital VBAC with forceps, shoulder dystocia etc. He was also not allowed anything by mouth for the first 24 hours due to respiratory issues - not major but NICU doctors are very cautious. He got IV antibiotics while they waited 48 hrs for his blood cultures to come back (they were negative but NICU docs are cautious). I knew this hospital had a Hep B vax policy at birth so I'd prepared my dh for this and he followed dh to NICU and made it clear to them there was to be no Hep B vax. Then his jaundice was severe cause he was almost a month early and very bruised. The jaundice was what kept him in there so long and really disrupted the breastfeeding. One blessing for us was this NICU was so busy, ds kept getting booted out to lower level NICUs (they had 3 levels). Eventually he was just on phototherapy, no IVs and stable body temp so they took pity on me (who refused to go home and was sleeping in the parent's lounge) and they also wanted to free up a NICU bed so they put both of us in a pediatric ward where he was still technically a NICU patient and the NICU nurses monitored him but I could have full time care of him. Can't say it was a good experience but I'm thankful for that time cause all I had to do was rest, try to nurse him (was hard going at first) and pump (cause he wasn't nursing well) and eat. I don't think I could have managed that routine so well at home with dh and my 2 yo.

I also wonder at a lot of the things they did. Blood cultures for suspected sepsis when I'd had 4 doses of antibiotics for GBS during labor? He was hypoglycemic, had trouble breathing and his first Apgar was about 1 or 2 and maybe that's indicative of sepsis? I don't know. Then some Dr. went and put him on TPN (IV nutrition) which majorly pissed me off as she'd just pressured me into giving him some pumped colustrum/milk in a nipple (I can't believe this is necessary??) to check he could suck/swallow/breathe at the same time. Whenever I questioned anything, I got a 'look' from the staff and a "well you know he had a very stressful birth". He was really bruised and swollen at first but it's not like I deliberately beat him up with my pelvis, you know... they were not impressed with my HBAC or eventual VBAC I think.

Know what you mean about being in shock and lying in bed thinking you just had a baby and where was he! I had a shared room and it was awful cause the woman next to me had her baby in the room and I was utterly miserable knowing mine was back in the NICU and I was physically too ill and in pain to sit for long in a chair in the NICU with him for the first 2 days. I got to 'visit' him but it's not the same. To make it worse, my roommate would SEND HER BABY TO THE DAMN NURSERY. I seriously wanted to slap her for that. I kept trying to remind myself I was lucky I had a baby cause I can't help thinking about moms whose babies had died and how much harder it must be for them. At least I knew my ds would get out of the NICU. After seeing some of those really small babies in the NICU, I kept trying to feel thankful. But it was a very hard week.

We were lucky, after several weeks of supplementing with EBM, ds was nursing exclusively. My dd got severe nipple preference (that's another story) but thankfully my ds was one of those babies that can switch back and forth.

[Lousli]

My daughter is 11 months old, and I'm still processing her birth and NICU time (23 days). There's a thread here about support for preemie/NICU and if you search NICU you should find it. There are a lot of mamas here that can offer support.

[sweetpeasmom]

Mine was born 14 mths ago and spent 102 days in the NICU. I'm still dealing with issues from time to time, it's not an easy ordeal for sure.
((HUGS))

[farmlife]

Thank you all for sharing. I'm off to check the NICU thread. I had not even thought of MDC as a resource for this but I have not had a real clear head about the whole thing anyway.
It has been validating to hear others experiences. Off to read more.

[justmama]

My dd was born at 34weeks due to PPROM and spent a difficult 11days in the NICU. Our stay there included two separate rounds of antibiotics, sepsis, spinal tap, many iv's, NG feeds until day 8 of life, 2 EKG's, chest x-ray, and the constant blood gases and iron checks and monitoring that goes along with NICU stays. My water broke at 33 weeks and I stayed on hospital bedrest until my induction at 34weeks and had a drug-free hospital birth. I got the requisite antibiotic iv for the week my water was broken before I delivered plus the steriod injections to mature her lungs(man those things BURN!). It was awful! I remember watching other mama's hold and nurse their babies on the Mother-Baby Unit where we all went after delivery. I remember watching other mama's leave the hospital with their babies and try to put the car seat into the car while their hubby stuffs in baskets of flowers. I remember the round-the-clock pumping, trying to get every single drop of that liquid gold for my sick little girl. I remember leaving my house at midnight, trying to get to the hospital for the 1am feeding only to have the nurse tell me that they NG fed her because she seemed too sleepy to wake up for her mama. I rmeember the 3x daily trips back and forth to the hospital. I remember big sister crying daily because she wanted so badly to meet her baby sister and she couldn't because she wasn't old enough to go into the NICU and saying, "but mama, I'm 4 1/2. that's almost 5!" I wish I'd lied about her age. I remember staring at the diaper bag packed and sitting in the car waiting to be used after I delivered and still didn't have a baby. My body just ached to hold her, day and night. My older dd couldn't understand why mama cried so much. My husband just sat by quietly knowing he couldn't do anything even though he'd reassured me so many times that she was in the best of hands there. The worst part is havign your baby lay there covered in tubes and wires and not being allowed to touch her because "it's too much stimulation." Her heartrate jumps up when she's touched, probably because she just had a spinal tap and she's terrified and in pain, but you still can't touch her or hold her or nurse her. I am so scared to have another baby. I don't think I could go through another NICU stay. Ours was short but horrific. Each day was terrifying and it was touch and go for a while there. And then we came home on an apnea monitor. And I'd lay awake for hours watching those blinking green lights and waiting for that red light and that loud beeping that told me my baby wasn't breathing and her heartrate was slowing down. And then when it happened, there was the waiting to see if she self-corrected and then when she didn't, the panic sets in as you tap her toes and rub her chest. When she begins breathing again, you relax for a minute and then realize that it's happened too many times today and you need to call the neonatologist but you wonder if you should because she could be headed back there. And then you feel like a horrible mother. And we had to go back in 3 weeks later to be hospitalized with RSV. BACK on oxygen, BACK on TPN, BACK to NG feeds, BACK to no stimulation, BACK to those long car rides 3 times a day or more, BACK to those sleepless nights. I was a wreck. It's no wonder I won't leave her side to this day(10 1/2months postpartum). Everytime she gets sick I panic that it's going to put her back in the hospital. I don't think any parent leaves ANY NICU experience without a few gray hairs and at least a few emotional scars. Sara's head nurse was absolutely amazing and I can't even tell you how many times I walked in to see Miss Angela standing at Sara's isolette talking to her and holding her once she was off minimal stim. But it was still the worst experience I've ever been through. Not to mention the loss of my perfect birth experience. A lot of people scoff at that but I really think it's a huge sense of loss. You feel betrayed by your own body and it's ability to carry a baby to term and birth that baby. You feel completely out of control in the whole situation and that's scary. I really dont' know if I can put myself through that again. Statistically, once you have a preterm birth, you have a higher chance of having another. Do I really want to risk it?????

Meg

[wannabe]

nak

SCN here, not NICU, but oh, the crying! I still can't watcg video dh took when they were admitting her. No hep B, but formula supps.

So sad and horrible - hug that baby tight!

[happyblessedmama]

my NICU baby's first birthday was today. It is amazing the difference a year makes. If I could've known then what I experience today with my DD it would have been so much easier.

NICU was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Awful. We were a birth-center-transfer to hospital birth and DD had meconium aspiration at birth (or in utero)...

She was in for 12 days. Didn't get to hold her til day 7 because she was on a vent. Then she developed PPHN and subsequently had nursing difficulties (we persevered though... I wanted to quit but DH said try one more time, and she got it - this was after days).

I was shell shocked after discharge. Just glad to get a living baby HOME. A few months out, I thought about the hospital a lot. I did get our medical records. Reading my L&D records was somewhat helpful. I read DD's full med chart every day so I don't need to have that one.

One thing that bothers me is all the cxrs she received. I know it was "necessary" to monitor her progress - I just hate that she had so much radiation exposure. I had to tell the staff to shield her reproductive organs... you'd think in a NICU they would routinely do that? I just hope they didn't xray the heck out of her before I caught them doing that. :(

[farmlife]

It happened again today where I wake up and lie there and think about this while everyone else sleeps. Ds was 10.1 lbs at birth and aspirated meconium and then we were told was GBS Positive and going to be very sick. But then the next nurse told me blood work showed an infection but not necessarily gbs. then the next doctor came and woke me in the family room to talk about doing a spinal tap. I said I wanted to call dh and talk about it with him and she pretty much told me she was being "nice" in talking about it with me and it didn't matter what I said because she was going to do it. Oh my goodness. She left me in that room and said she would help me get some ice for my tear and be back to talk to me. She came back some time later and I was still standing in the middle of the room just in shock. SHe told me the procedure went well and he would be resting for a while from the Ativan. OH MY GOODNESS.
I know they are ultra conservative in there and all but that was just deceptive. I was the crazy mom that wouldn't leave the hospital much. I didn't sleep there the first night because I just didn't know what to do. And now I feel like how could I not have run to the hospital. How did I let them transfer my baby and he went without me. Oh. My. Goodness.
As someone else wrote about the protocol, it was so awkward - when can I see my baby. Can I hold my baby? Can I nurse my baby? Can I change his diaper? I could hold him, with assistance because of his ART line, I could nurse him after 24 or 48 hours but the spinal tap doc didn't want that to happen until we knew he could take a bottle - what!!!!! No, someone changed that order because I pretty much just nursed him anyway and that was fine. Not one nurse knew what the supplemental nursing system was? I didn't know how to use one but I'm glad I knew what it was to ask for it.
Some nurses were wonderful and worked through learning it with me others thought it would just be easier to do the bottle. I kept trying. My little guy got way more formula than I ever thought he would have in just a few days. My milk was slow to come in and this guy was hungry....he would nurse for an hour and then take 60ccs of formula. I hated giving it to him but I hated the thought that he might be hungry and that seemed like something I could help him with. So I held him and cried through the bottles.
And then in the middle of the night one night, I started singing to him. And he really responded. Oh - I have so many other thoughts and I am just looking for a safe place to get them out. Even the retelling helps organize it in my mind and in my heart. Thanks for making this a safe space. Off to build train tracks....little bits at a time.

[mammafish78]

at 42 week pregnancy my son spent a week in NICU in a hospital he was flown to an hour away.
i had to stay in the hospital where i delivered for 2 days before i could go see my baby.

once i got to the NICU i never left, well i did for shift change and that was it! i took care of him as the nurse would. i would monitor his temp taking it every hour or so. change him, wash him, you name it. the only thing i didnt do was mess with his tubes or iv.

[litlwons]

My little one was born 08/11/05 at 31 weeks. I had an abruption, which thank goodness they didn't know about until after his vaginal birth. My pregnancies are hard to come by and difficult. My little one spent 5 weeks in the NICU. Although a horribly emotional time, the care given to him was wonderful. I spent every moment I could there.Taking care ofall his needs that I could, he was so little. I itroduced the breast early and am happy to say we exclusivly BF from the day he came home.
I loved the nurses so much, I am now thinking about going back to school to become one. I wish it didn't happen, but now that it is over, I have mostly positive feelings.

[onlyboys]

Just wanted to let you know that my first son, who I did not hold or nurse until he was 12ish days old, is 9.5 years old. He's a very attached child, very sweet, kind, loving and peaceful. I did not do enough to protect him from the horrors (yes, there were many, including what your story includes, including things that I signed off on) and while I am still recovering from trauma, he is well-adjusted about it all.

Much light to you.

[clothdipemomof2boy]

My pregnancy was rough I had placenta previa and clotted the whole time the size of grapefruits. when they took me in (I was in the hospital for a month before the birth) they gave me a epidutal well it didnt work well actually it fell out. which is ok i didnt want one they told me i should get one to relax i didnt need the stress to make me bleed more. well i had Jacob and he was blue he didnt cry the whole time his apgars (I think that is how you spell it) were low :( and they rushed him into nicu then i had to have a hysterectomy because i lost five litters of blood and your body only carries 6 so i was pretty much gone. I had DIC and my kidneys shut down as well as they had to put me in a medically induced coma for two days and keep me on a resperator ugh! So I was in MICU till they transfored me to ICU I guess that is a step up I didnt get to see my baby for two weeks. but that is our experience and it didnt stop there but i dont think you want to hear all of it it is long!!! :(

[BookGoddess]

DD was induced at 37 weeks because of blood pressure issues I developed in the third trimester. It was a pretty traumatic birth so it was no wonder her Agpar scores were very low and she needed extra oxygen. She spent 3 days in the NICU then got to room with me. , I felt so miserable and lonely in my room during those first 3 days. All the other moms had new babies in their rooms they could hold, feed, diaper and I was without one.

The NICU staff were great though. They really promote breastfeeding at the hospital I delivered at. Plus, they encouraged all our family to visit DD at any time of the day and we did. DH would pop by late at night for a visit and they would let him hold her. He spent almost all the nights in my room in a most uncomfortable reclining chair. I have photos of DD in the NICU and it's surreal to see her hooked up to all these machines. I'm just so thankful she's home and ok. No one looking at her would realize what a traumatic first week she had.

[atozmama]

My son was born, induced for a failed NST, at 41 weeks. He ended up in the NICU for 4 days. Until then I had thought that NICU was only for premature babies. It took us 3 weeks to learn how to breastfeed. It took me a good month or so before I felt that he was my baby, that I was not just the nanny waiting for the real parents to show up. it took a while to work through everything - the dissappointing birth experience, the NICU stay and the whole parenthood thing with the help of a good conselor who specializes in postpartum stress/depression issues.

[doula and mom]

<hugs> I think a NICU experience can be a long term process for mom to deal with.

My twins were in there for 10 days. Luckily, it was a very family-friendly NICU, we only had to leave if/when another baby in there needed to be resuscitated :(.

One thing I was adamant about was no pacifiers, but of course the NICU nurses ignored my wishes. It was really difficult for me to find my "voice" of assertiveness, since these were my first children, for me to say, "I am their mother, and I do not want them given pacifiers at any time!" That was actually a kind of empowering experience for me.

[farmlife]

I wanted to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It has meant a lot to me.
:throb

[USAmma]

Babies forgive very easily. I'm sure you'll remember it longer than he will. (((HUGS))

I don't have NICU experience but I do have experience with a sick baby. Mine cried and cried for 3 mos before I found a doctor who would take my concerns seriously. My baby took awhile to heal from that whole experience but she's a happy, well adjusted toddler today. It's amazing how resilient babies are.

[bri276]

I couldn't read all the stories because it hurts too much.

like others have stated I feel extremely lucky in that I had a short NICU stay with a full term baby and was acutely aware even at the time that other parents there were wondering if they'd come in to find out whether their 25 wker just had a brain bleed etc. I thank God I wasn't dealing with those kinds of issues. Yet it was, and is, still traumatic.

The 3rd midwife to check me around the 8th hr of labor was the one to question meconium. I still think it was brown blood. But of course, if you're in a hospital and anyone even *thinks* the word meconium, peds are sent up for delivery and forget about waiting until the cord stops pulsating and forget about holding your baby until she's all checked out and cleaned off. That's when they noticed her cleft palate and her rapid breathing and decided to admit her. She still has rapid breathing to this day at times, it's just a Jessica thing, not an oxygen thing, I know because I watched that sat machine like a hawk the 5 days she was there and several days once she was home. However she did once go down to the low 80s for some reason (maybe from being separated from mommy and taken into a cold, harsh, opposite-of-the-womb environment?) on the 1st night and that bought her a few more days. Then she got jaundice and was an extra-sleepy baby to begin with so that made it even worse, and she wasn't doing great with feeds because we could barely keep her awake long enough to get 40 ccs in her. She got better once it was purely breastmilk though they continued to give her Enfamil even when she had clearly marked beautiful colustrum in the fridge. That angers me more than anything else.
It was awful, congratulations left on our answering machine sounded so bittersweet. when I was home I couldn't eat, all I did was cry and pump and get ready to go back. The only upside is that there was never a bf'ing relationship possible so it didn't get ruined, and since she was so sleepy, I doubt she was too traumatized by the experience, and mommy and daddy were there a LOT. so while those five days still feel more like 5 years to me, it could have been so much worse.

[sweetpeasmom]

:hugs Lily- you know i felt the same way about congratulations. People told me congrats and i was just like "what do you mean? my baby should still be inside me, my baby is fighting for her life and you offer me congrats, what congrats that she came 15 weeks early?" i didn't say it but it was what i felt.

[Brinda]

:hugs Lily- you know i felt the same way about congratulations. People told me congrats and i was just like "what do you mean? my baby should still be inside me, my baby is fighting for her life and you offer me congrats, what congrats that she came 15 weeks early?" i didn't say it but it was what i felt.

Oh, god that made me want to cry. I was the same way. I was 27 weeks, and my mom said her and my sister were praying the baby would hurry and come so they could meet him! :irked: He was born at 31. Not only that, but I had to bring the carseat in for a carseat test, and he flunked right away. When going home in the elevator with an empty carseat some rude jerk laughed at me and said I forgot something. I burst into tears. Congratulations were the last thing I wanted. I wanted prayers that my baby would live.

[mommystinch]

I'm not going to write everything out, but my 41 weeker was transfered from the birth center to the NICU because of fluid in her lungs. I was never afraid of the worst. I "knew" it was just amniotic fluid. But the whole experience, what they did to her, and the seperation is so traumatic. She was in the NICU for a full day, and then in a pediatric room with me for several more while they did more tests that weren't needed or warranted and made her have a full course of un needed antibiotics. Grr. The hurt and anger involved is so much. She is now 2.5 and I think about it all of the time. I used to just start crying out of nowhere... usually in the shower... just because it came into my mind. In fact, I started crying the other day about it in the shower. I think I've been thinking it even more lately since I am 29 weeks pregnant. The biggest problem was not having anyone act like they understood. The NICU nurses were cruel to me. My dh was there the whole time, but doesn't understand my feelings and thinks I should just move on. My mother constantly talks about how they saved her and I should be greatful. But, the fact is, she didn't need saving. I can't stand that I can't get my mother to understand that she wasn't, "on death's doorstep" like she told our family. Even the friendly nurse at the birth center that assisted in her birth makes light out of my dd being her first hospital transfer, like it's a good memory or something. It's just sickening how other people can't accept the pain the experience causes. Yes, I was lucky to bring home a healthy baby. But, that doesn't erase what we went through. I honestly don't think I'll ever "get over" the experience. I'm just trying my best not to focus on it during this pregnancy. I am so scared of ended up in the hospital again.

[Lousli]

These last few posts have really hit home. The feelings of not getting over it, the wondering why people were saying congratulations. I felt that too. I'm really having a hard time lately as it is almost her birthday, and the memories are really overwhelming to me. Today we have to have a Synagis shot. :(

Her birthday party is the 18th, which was the day I went into the hospital. I was sick with a virus that made me throw up, and then on top of it, my irritable uterus went into overdrive and I was contracting every 3 minutes.

I'm sick right now, just with a chest cold, but it is making me think of the hospital experience. I had pulmonary edema and had to be on oxygen. I look at the pics of me in labor and I have a tube in my nose.

Anyway, I'm stressing out right now, and very sad when I think about all the joy a first birthday should bring. I am so happy, and so lucky to have this perfect, healthy (tiny) baby. She is a joy and delight. But will I ever get over the circumstances of her entry into the world?

[Zus]

My NICU experience was very traumatic for me too. I know we were very lucky, my dear girl was in there only for 5 days because she was born with IUGR at term (37 weeks), and they just needed to keep her for observation. Luckily her twin sister weighed a bit heavier and she never needed anything more than 1 night in the incubator in the regular nursery.
I have many wounds from the NICU. One of them is that one nurse kept referring to her as "him" and told me that I could correct her a million times, she would never remember :(

Also, during her 5 day stay I NEVER, not once, got to speak to a ped!!!!!!! I wanted to, but they were never around or doing more urgent stuff, or whatever. On the 5th day I spoke to a ped assistant, who told me that they *might* transfer her to the regular nursery that day. She promised me that they would tell me when/if they would, and I was patiently waiting in my room.
My mother came to visit me and we decided to go to the cafeteria downstairs to get some lunch, so I brought my other girl to the nursery. The nurse was just dressing a baby, and she said: "this is your baby". Turns out that they transferred her from the NICU to the regular nursery without notifying me!!!!!!!!!!!! They were lucky that I saw her in the nursery, and that I didn't go to the NICU first just to find her missing. I would have raised living hell.

Because I never spoke to a ped (also not afterwards), I don't really know what procedures they did to her. I tried reading her chart, but the handwriting was very unclear. She did have several IVs and she has 2 tiny scar dots on her hand until today.

[ComfyCozy]

Our oldest was born at 27 weeks. I was 20, we were in college and broke. DD weighed 1 lb 13 oz, and within days had a grade three head bleed on the left side of her brain and a grade one on the right. Her left lung had problems... then her right femur snapped...then the eye doctor neglected her and she was rushed to another hospital 4 hours away, only to lose the vision in her left eye (this was after 3 months). She was intubated for 8 weeks and so we couldn't hold her. Some days we'd go in and they would tell us, "Just look at her. Don't even talk...her heartrate is too high already." The phone would ring in the middle of the night and my heart would drop into my stomach.

Visiting hours were wretched. 4 hours a day, split up, was all you got because "the nurses needed to do their job". 12A-1A, 8A-9A, 4P-5P, and 8P-9P. We couldn't make them all due to our circumstances and I was bitter that they wouldn't work with us so that we could visit at different hours. I had to keep one class, or I'd lose my campus job, and as I said, we were broke. DH was in the same situation.

I remember leaving the hospital the day after having delivered. I was so numb, holding the little polaroid of my baby, and I stood up to get into the wheelchair, and collapsed into my mother's arms in tears. I wanted my baby so badly...I wanted her back where she was supposed to be. We went to visit her, me for the first time, and shock rippled through the nurses' station as what looked like a 15 year old mommy showed up. "YOU'RE the Mom??" "Uh..yes.."

She was red...her mouth was open from being intubated...her movements were jerky. I knew that was my baby...but she felt like a stranger. Didn't matter, though...I loved her, and stroked her head.

I remember not wanting to eat...I just wanted to stay in bed, crying, holding my empty belly. Maybe if I cried hard enough she'd come back in there. No... and the phone would ring, the Dr. with his thick Spanish accent saying something I couldn't understand about her lungs and can they do this procedure..."Okay"... Thank God my sister and BIL-to-be were pediatrics residents and would speak to the Dr. to get it all straight and explain it to us.

Up...down...up...down....it was a nightmare. In the bitterness of dealing with her pitiful vision situation, we had a little bit of sweet--with her transferred to Tulane Medical Center, we got to experience THEIR visitation policies for the last two weeks of her 3 month ordeal--23 hours a day visitation. I was there all day, all night...holding her, rocking her, loving her... and to top it all off, my sister was in the NICU rotation, so she made rounds daily and we got to see her.

She left the NICU at 5lb 10oz and went through 5 years of physical, occupational, and speech therapy. She's 8, almost 9 now. We were told she'd be non-walking, non-talking...etc...and she's proved them wrong. We homeschool, which is good because she's very ADHD, and she's academically ahead. She still has vision in her right eye, but we know she may lose that in early adulthood if her retina detaches again. We, therefore, have a strong devotion to St. Lucy ;) She's back in PT/OT, but not for long, especially since her ADD meds have seemed to help her incredibly with her physical deficiencies.

I don't know what happened to get us there in the first place. I noticed brownish discharge early in my 27th week. After a couple of days it stopped. I called my SIL to ask her opinion, and she said if it continued to the end of the week to call the Dr. Well there's only so much mucus plug, you know? It was a fleeting thought "What if that was my mucus plug?" but I thought "Noooo" and since the discharge had stopped... End of the week, dh and I had relations, and the contractions started before he could even withdraw. I arrived at the hospital within 2 hours (after realizing that yes, this was NOT stopping), and the nurse who checked me said "I don't feel a cervix." I thought "You feel AGAIN, woman!" The next nurse confirmed it. They tipped me upside down to keep her in, shot me up with demerol (to stop the contractions), gave me a shot for the baby's lungs, and tried to keep her in for 48 hours. We got about 17. They wanted to do a section, but waited too long, thank goodness. My body had about pushed her out by the time the Dr. came in.

A priest was on hand to baptize her (it was my mother's brave request to me) and they prepared to whisk her off to the hosp. with the NICU. I got one glimpse of her very quickly...enough to say "Hi! It's Mama..." She popped her eyes open and they whisked her off.

I'm thankful, so thankful, for this child. I wouldn't wish what we went through on my worst enemy. I've since had 4 full-term babies.

CC

[sweetpeasmom]

:hugs for everyone. I don't think the experience will fade quickly. I still think of it. I still get irked at what they did. I'm still pissed that they gave my little girl who was only about 36 wks gestation cereal :( I'm still pissed that they had her on a feeding schedule, restricting her feeds, whilst i'm holding her and she's crying and can't rest because she's hungry but then told i need to leave because of doctor's rounds. So therefore i need to leave my crying, hungry, baby all alone in her crib :(

CC- you know i was told that she's most likely be a very late walker but her she is not even 12 mths adjusted age, already standing and taking some steps. She's been proving them wrong right from the get go :) I also noticed some discharge and that was the only indication i had, if i had ignored it I probably would have lost her since i wasn't contracting at all.

Michal- i also hardly every spoke to the ped's there and i was there for 3 1/2 months. I saw them first about a few days after delivery and that was it until about a few weeks before discharge and that was only because i refused the hep B shot and they "needed" to talk to me, yeah whatever! grrrr

leaving the hospital after birth was just so hard, leaving without your baby :( just wasn'r fair, then seeing daily all these new parents leaving with their babies.

[Lousli]

It is Hazel's first birthday tommorrow. I wanted to take her to the NICU to show them how well she is doing (18 pounds 1 ounce last week!), but we both have a cold, and I don't want to endanger those little babies.

I wanted to let you all know that there is a new section of the pregnancy board called pregnancy resources. It was created because I specifically asked for a sticky to be placed about signs of preterm labor. If you have any information to post about preterm labor, please go to the new section and post there!

[Mommy!Mommy!Mommy!]

My BG twins were born at 36 weeks (full term for twins) by C section. DS was born first and went into my husbands arms. He watched his sister being born. As soon as she was born she had respritory problems. They rushed her up to the NICU. She was hooked up to oxygen, machines and IV. About two hours later I got to see her in her isolette and touch her foot. My recovery bed knocked her IV out of her little hand. In my room I tried to put her brother on the breast but he was too upset to try. The backdrop for this was his hysterical crying. We had to keep suctioning out his mucus and hold him up for the rest of the night. I didn't get to hold my DD for 24 hours after her birth when I was able to go down and visit her. Her brother didn't stop crying unless he fell asleep, until I put them together in the same blanket. Once she held him in her arms she noticably started to get better. DD had a hard time latching due to unauthorized tube feeding she received in the NICU but with lots of work we corrected that. There were a few other things that happened during that hospital stay that left a bad taste in my mouth but I know we were very lucky. I cried remembering this and still I wish I had done things differently at the time. Fighting to put DS in with DD would have helped but I couldn't see that at the time. Fear for DD and not understanding the relationship between some twins made me hold onto DS. I couldn't see past the moment.

After we were discharged we had to come back for almost daily tests, many times I would pass by the NICU. For that month I saw some of the same exhausted mothers sitting, sleeping, walking the halls, pumping, sitting with their spouses just staring. I saw that though things were aweful in the beginning, we were and are truly blessed.

[sweetpeasmom]

Happy belated birthday Hazel :)