Need to Vent a little bit....

[Pandora114]

I love my husband to bits, I really and truly do...but lately...he's been making me feel like a second class citizen because he works for pay..

I let him handle the money because well I totally SUCK at math. I have a learning disability which makes it all but impossible for me to do any form of calculation....I can do simple ones, but put more than 3 digits either way and I'm screwed....

Well lately he's been doing the "MY money" kick.

And know what, I honestly am starting to believe it....he works for it it's his...

I get $80/month from Child Tax Benefit, $61 of that goes towards my course...that's MY money

He's like "should be happy for what you have" Yeah I am happy....for what I have I just wouldn't mind having some input and have my wants/needs seem totally and utterly secondary to his....

He spends and spends on his own wants, then cuts me off when I would like something. *He collects McFarlane Action figures and Video games not the cheapest hobbies in the world*

Mabe I should do some more work around here and mabe he'll feel the need to reward me......*I cook/clean/tend to a 2yr old who doesnt nap half the time, plus spend my waking hours trying to advertise my affiliate link but I guess it's not enough....*

Saturday was nice, I had a total %100 Husband/Child free day...nice break...but sometimes........KWIM? I havn't had a hair cut since July...I want some BOOKS to read.....*he has books but none that intrest me in the slightest*
I just want the stuff *I* would like to play equal importance to what he wants....

[chinaKat]

I don't suppose you can show him one of those studies that say what a SAHM would earn if she was paid for her time? It's over six figures, b/c of the overtime. :)

Might change his view on your "contribution".

chinaKat

[Rigama]

Hugs, Mama. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Every now and then my DH tries to pull that stuff on me too, and it really is hard on my self esteem, you know?


After years of just allowing him to take total control of all our finances (I didn't even know the password to our bank acct. so I couldn't go online to see how much was in there) and then about 6 months worth of arguments he finally "gave" the checkbook/bills/finances to me. Like you, I *suck* with numbers. I don't know if I have a disability or not, but I do know that a number can read $47.84 and I'll see $74.84 or some other strange combo. It's poved slightly problimatic at worst. It's a huge pain it the butt, and BOY do I feel stupid sometimes, but I just keep a calculator handy, balance the checkbook every day or two (to miminize long inputs of numbers and lessening my chances of a mistake) and then I double check all my work. Just having some say so over where the money is, how much we have, and where it needs to go has helped wonders. He's less likely to try and "pull rank" on me the way he used to. Of course he thinks I'm no good at our finances (and has flat out told me so!) but to me it's totally worth it to have some control.

Mama, you totally DESERVE to have books for yourself, to have a haircut, to feel like a partner in this relationship instead of a child with an allowance. I'll be thinking of you. :hug :hug :hug

rigama

[Pandora114]

Heh I dont even have the online banking password.

And your numeric problems sound the same as mine..Dyscalculia. In school did you do problems, work them out forwards and back, and KNEW they were right then they teacher handed it back with huge red X's on most of the questions? That's what happened to me...

I hope it gets better after the holiday season....I really do....But I highly doubt it.

[Rigama]

Yup, I that was the story of my Math Class existance! In college I once had an algebra instructor pull me aside and tell me that even if I aced every test and quiz from there to the end of the term, I'd STILL fail his class so he'd be happy to give me a Withdraw Passing if I left the class immediately. I was humiliated, but glad he gave me the chance to avoid an F on my transcripts.

I don't know if you'll have the same experience, but I have found that the more I force myself to bite the bullet and deal with numbers, the better I get at it. I will never decide to go back to school and get my degree in mathematics, but when I sit down undisturbed and with a calculator, and work slowly, I find that I make fewer and fewer mistakes.

Hopefully things will get easier for you (regarding your dh). Good luck!

[TinkerBelle]

A marriage is not a slave/master relationship. It is also not a parent/child relationship. You deserve the same consideration for your needs/wants as he does. You are both morally, and legally, an equal partner and have all of the rights he does, to the money, if you are a married couple.

I would not stand for it. I would have to tell him that he is to treat you like the equal partner you are.

I do not understand not having access to the money and bank accounts. That is a dangerous, as well as demeaning thing, IMO. But, if your husband dies suddenly, and you have no access to the account or even the passwords, you may be in for a world of hurt. I am not saying to take over the bills if you do not wish to do so. But, every woman needs to know where the money is and where the insurance papers and other legal documents are kept. You not only have the right, to me, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and your children.

[Pandora114]

You have a point, if my husband dies suddenly I'll have no access whatsoever to the military death benefits *either 2 years if he dies deployed or 2 months if he dies from an accident at home* because they are direct deposited into his account. My name isn't even on any of the accounts except for my own personal account wich the Child Tax Benefit gets direct deposited every month.

I blew up at him today when he was here...well more self flagelatted myself..because that's how I feel...

I feel stupid..

and after 8 months of being off of Hormonal birth control, charting and OK to great timing, I feel broken as well.

He asked me if I should go to the Dr. I'm like "Ok a: They'd think I'm a crackpot b: Not like I could get there anyway because Dr's are open during the day, he works during the day, I have no lisence..you get the idea.

Oh getting my own lisence isn't do-able because it takes $100 for the permit + 2 years without drivers ed or 8 months with drivers ed which costs $500 so umm that isn't gonna happen at all..ever. Also my learning disability makes me mess up left and right and I get lost very easily. Driving is dangerous for me....a danger for those on the road with me and a personal danger for myself if when I get lost.....

[Mavournin]

A marriage is not a slave/master relationship. It is also not a parent/child relationship. You deserve the same consideration for your needs/wants as he does. You are both morally, and legally, an equal partner and have all of the rights he does, to the money, if you are a married couple.


:yeah:

I have to totally agree with TinkerBelle. This sounds like control at it's worst. My Dh makes all of our money but there is no way he would be allowed to get away with hoarding money for himself simply because he earns it. He and I disagree with the way the other spends many times, but we always understand that the other has needs and wants too. Things are really tight here this month but just yesterday at the grocery he bought the NY Times and I bought a magazine - $4 each. We manage to make sure that we meet each other's needs, and if those needs are brain stimulation this week - so be it.

I also suck at math. But I do all of our bills anyway. Things get paid and I'm always the one to know what we have in the account. Dh likes it this way because then I am involved in the process, and because I'm home I have the time to sort out problems and take care of any banking needs. Get yourself a software program like Money or Quicken and take over the job. With a little discipline of putting in all transactions you can be involved and it does the math for you. :p

[Pandora114]

ok I just got done talking to him about it and it comes down to:

He does not trust me with money. PERIOD. He will not trust me with access to the finances. He said I could guess his bank access if I very well put my mind to it..

But yeah he wont trust me with it. He said it's a combo of my a: dyscalculia and b: Manic Depression.

heh. So because I'm "crazy" I'm not to be trusted. BEAUTIFUL!!! I guess I'll go drug myself up now. Not like I can get pregnant or anything :(

[TinkerBelle]

ok I just got done talking to him about it and it comes down to:

He does not trust me with money. PERIOD. He will not trust me with access to the finances. He said I could guess his bank access if I very well put my mind to it..

But yeah he wont trust me with it. He said it's a combo of my a: dyscalculia and b: Manic Depression.

heh. So because I'm "crazy" I'm not to be trusted. BEAUTIFUL!!! I guess I'll go drug myself up now. Not like I can get pregnant or anything :(


Did you ask him what you should do should he become incapacitated or dies? I am sorry, but I think this is terrible.

[Pandora114]

Well the good news is, I'm gonna be getting my MIL's sewing machine, so that's a bit of a start to beginning a WAHM business.

The bad news, is I'm trying to find ways to get the money for the fabrics. I have an affiliate link to another business that I'm advertising till my fingers fall off but all I'm getting is clicks, no sales.


I figure once I get it started, I'll drop his copy of MS office on this PC and start up a spreadsheet to manage the input/output of it, and start out small scale, like sell on Ebay first, then invest in a nice shopping cart my own webspace then register as a small business and get a GST number and my own little savings account so I can transfer a certain % of my income from the business from paypal to that savings account so I can pay my income taxes. And keep on keeping on...branch out to momma cloth and whatnot....knit while waiting on fabric shipments so might have some longies and what not up....

Trust me I have a little "Business" plan. He keeps telling me that the military has an organization for their dependants to get a small business loan, but that means going through him for money *again* to start it up, and be responsible to *him* and have him breathing down my neck...no...thank...you. I'll do this all myself or bust.

I gotta make some sort of life for myself. If he doesn't trust me. then fine, that's his problem, I'm not letting it keep me down. I'm gonna do my own thing and he'll be going "How could she have gotten her nails done, where did all these books come from? why does my house look nicer, hey wait a minute, what's this extra PC tower for?"

hehehe

I should open up TWO savings accounts though.....one for the taxes, and one high Yield savings for a "Just in case" nest egg once things get going.

[TinkerBelle]

Well the good news is, I'm gonna be getting my MIL's sewing machine, so that's a bit of a start to beginning a WAHM business.

The bad news, is I'm trying to find ways to get the money for the fabrics. I have an affiliate link to another business that I'm advertising till my fingers fall off but all I'm getting is clicks, no sales.


I figure once I get it started, I'll drop his copy of MS office on this PC and start up a spreadsheet to manage the input/output of it, and start out small scale, like sell on Ebay first, then invest in a nice shopping cart my own webspace then register as a small business and get a GST number and my own little savings account so I can transfer a certain % of my income from the business from paypal to that savings account so I can pay my income taxes. And keep on keeping on...branch out to momma cloth and whatnot....knit while waiting on fabric shipments so might have some longies and what not up....

Trust me I have a little "Business" plan. He keeps telling me that the military has an organization for their dependants to get a small business loan, but that means going through him for money *again* to start it up, and be responsible to *him* and have him breathing down my neck...no...thank...you. I'll do this all myself or bust.

I gotta make some sort of life for myself. If he doesn't trust me. then fine, that's his problem, I'm not letting it keep me down. I'm gonna do my own thing and he'll be going "How could she have gotten her nails done, where did all these books come from? why does my house look nicer, hey wait a minute, what's this extra PC tower for?"

hehehe

I should open up TWO savings accounts though.....one for the taxes, and one high Yield savings for a "Just in case" nest egg once things get going.


Good for you. Still, though, I would not stand for this. I just do not know if I could stand seeing him buy things and go do things, while I have to beg for a haircut and nails to be done. That is just no way to treat a wife or husband.

I would stop doing anything for him. No laundry, no meals and no dishes. He wants to treat you like a child. Fine. Let him take care of himself.

[mama729]

.

[Pandora114]

Ok I asked my friend *who just happens to be a family lawyer :o * for advice..

She reccomended a book "The Wealthy Barber" and for me to pretty much "wow" my DH with how much I know and that I *CAN* be responsible.

She basicly said she doesn't wanna take me on as a client, EVER, and she wants what I have to work. She also suggested opening my own business or getting a WAHM job as a medical transcriptionist, get a drivers lisence was #1 on her list, and well, I'm not the worlds best driver...Hell I SUCK...*I wrecked my mom's car PULLING OVER, and because of that he won't let me drive his car, which is the only car we own*

[Hazelnut]

They're his kids too, and you staying home to care for them ALLOWS him to go to work and make that money, that money that belongs to both of you. You are forgoing a salary and career advancement to stay home and take care of your family, and he benefits from that. It would cost money to have someone else care for you kids, clean the house, cost more to buy made meals, etc. What you do is valuable, and enables the other to go out and earn the salary. Yeah, money is important, but let's not devalue important tasks just because they don't earn money. I'd be spitting mad.

[Hazelnut]

It doesn't sound like you've given him any reason to not be trusted (sounds patronizing) with money. I also suck at math and like a pp (the one who wipes butts for a living ;) ) I do the bills. It's busy work and I hate it, but it keeps me up on what's going on. I'm better at getting bills paid on time anyway. We're both bad with money in some ways and good in some ways. We each have our weaknesses, and it sounds like your spouse does too if he's spending it on some frivolties. I wonder if a counselor or financial advisor could help you both out in some way.

[JustVanessa]

I think that "he can't trust you with the money" is bulls**t. It isn't about trust, its about having an equal partnership (ya know....marriage). If he doesn't think you can handle the finances alone then do it with him. If he refuses to give you bank access at all I would start asking what he is hiding.