SAHMs - are you stressed?

[dukeswalker]

I'm trying really, really hard to relate to my SIL.

She is a SAHM with 2 lil' ones, a 18 month old and a 4 yo. The 4 yo goes to preschool 3 days a week for 4 hours at a time. She lives in a 4500 sq ft. home, her dh makes gooood $, she has a cleaning lady that comes to do heavy duty cleaning every other week, my ILs watch the kids atleast once a week so they can go out - sometimes over night. This past weekend she was looking really tired - we got to talking and she says she is just so stressed out with the kids and everything - they seem to be waking her up 1-2 times a night :rolleyes: and she just can't get everything done that she wants to.

Maybe I'm missing something - I live a similar life, plus a kid, a dog, massive volunteer work, kids are with me 100%, dh and I haven't been out alone for ?? years, we cosleep, kids wake up at all hours (or the dog, or dh sleep walking) - so I just don't get it, the cleaning lasy is me (and MAN she sucks! :lol)!

Do you know any SAHMs that are stressed about life as a SAHM?

[mammabear]

to the max!!!

I decided to take on a per diem job to help out with extra costs which has now resulted in me feelin glike crap. We have extra money ut the house looks like crap and so do I.

My husband is not happy. Just about everything. But we are getting along.

I fell like I've made the wrong decision in commitin gmyself to something that is not in our family's benefit- althoug I thought it would.

I am soooo confused about my place in this world.

I have not finished my Christmas shopping and don't know when I will, if I will.

I'm stressed out about the worlds problems -to top it all off.

[mamajessica]

nak
I am. It's just the lack of time away and adult contact. Sounds like she has a pretty reasonable set up for herself though.

[rainbowmoon]

um yes. very stressed out. though in my case it's situational.

[LDSmomma6]

Totally stressed but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a SAHM, and having all the little unexpected joys that my children bring me because one day they won't be little anymore.

A friend once told me...there's a time and season to everything. I know my babies won't be little for long, so I'm just trying to enjoy them and know that one day I can do the things that I used to enjoy...

[My Tiny Dancer]

Very stressed! In my case right now a lot of my stress is coming from something else.

Sounds like she has something great going on for her though.

[hotmom]

hmm I am not sure why you roll your eyes at this they seem to be waking her up 1-2 times a night : and she just can't get everything done that she wants to.

My life sounds like you SIL's (or it was like your sil's in the recent past) and having kids is stressfull. If they do not sleep through the night it doesn't matter that your house is clean or you have a fat paycheck- you are exhausted and miserable.
I found that I need LOTS of sleep just to be a normal functioning person- with a few nights of interupted sleep- much more weeks of it- I feel crazed and nearly delusional and suicidal.
That is just me and probably many other moms. We get tired and drag our butts through the day. I always revel at the ppl that think that SAHMs should be energized because they do not have a paycheck job. I beg to differ- working with kids- 24 hours a day is emotionally and physically draining. I understand that you are SAHM too and comparing your life to your rich SIL- but there really is no comparison. She may have kids that drive her bananas- their temperments (hers and the children) may not be as in tune as your children are with you. I don't really know, I just know that we are all different people and ALL of us that choose to raise our small children instead of earning paycheck are doing hard work that shouldn't have to be validated. If she says she's tired, then she's tired, respect that.

[~Scapegoat~]

I am very stressed.....babe is getting all of his molars in at once and nothing helps. :(

[dukeswalker]

Just to clarify - I rolled my eyes because i WISH that was all I was being woken up to at night! :lol My llil' one, 18 mos, nurses about 4+ times a night - plus my dh is a MAJOR sleep walked and he has me up several times a night -

I guess I was just felling a little "what could you possibly be stressed bout!?" after talking to her. Her dh gets up with the kids in the AM before he goes to work so that she can sleep in - he makes breakfast every SAt...etc...

But you all are right - everyone is diff. and I shouldn't be judging her as I'm not in her shoes. Perhaps I need to look at this diff. and realize that whatever the situation is - she is tressed...I think I'll email her and ask if she wants me to take the kids for an afternoon so she can just chill.

[lisap]

I live with stress everyday. I'm a SAHM, we co-sleep and DD is with me 100% of the time. We sleep together, eat together and even shower together. I love her dearly, but I could use a break every once in awhile.

[delicious]

i think its quite possible to be stressed in any situation.

for some weird reason, i'm not stressed at all right now! A++

[FreeThinkinMama]

If my daughter was still waking up in the middle of the night at 18 months old I think I would be a little stressed out too;) I was really relieved when she started sleeping through the night at 3 months, I'm just one of those people who gets really grumpy without sleep and it makes it harder for me to deal with tiny little things that normally wouldn't bug me if I haven't got my sleep.

If it weren't for that I could see where you're coming from with all the extra help she has but everybody's different and has different levels of patience.

[nitareality]

I think a big bank account and house don't make stress go away. I think it would be nice if you asked her about it, it could be something you could really relate to! Maybe she's stressed at upholding the image that goes with the house? You never know.

[BabyOsMommy]

Stress has nothing to do with the circumstances a person is in, but on how the person perceives those circumstances. What stresses one person out will seem like cake to another. It doesn't make one better or worse than another, it just is.

I'm a SAHM and I'm stressed to the max these days. I don't have some of the things that your SIL has, ie a cleaning lady, financial security, etc but it's not that that's stressing me anyhow. Yeah, my baby's still up a couple times/night and my house is a disaster. That's just become normal for me. I'm stressed about dh and I not connecting, my 3yo being sick for the last 6days, me finding something to do that's my own so that I can feel like a whole person, etc.

[DesireeH]

Everyone can handle different things. There may also be things in her life that you dont know about.....debt.....marriage arguments.....any number of things. Maybe she has depression, who knows.

People probably think the same thing as me....I am a stress case right now and I only have ONE child. I am overdue and miserable with baby #2, my 3 y/o is throwing horrible tantrums about EVERYTHING and I just want to rip my own head off some days. I am sure there are people saying "oh what's her problem, she still only has one kid." but they also dont live here and dont deal with the same things that I do so unless they want to offer to come over and help out......they can keep it to themselves. LOL

[**guest**]

You bet I'm stressed. I'm mostly stressed about finances though. Being a SAH single mom doesn't really mix well. LOL. The sheer thought of having to go to work (as a nanny so I can bring ds) does my head in. I'm stressed with just my one special/high needs child, I truly can't imagine having to care for someone else's child too. sigh.
Plus, I don't sleep through the night. We cosleep and maybe that has a lot to do with it. I've always had trouble sleeping though.

Stress really is a personal thing though. Everyone handles stress differently. Some people are naturally carefree (not me) and some people are more......er.....sensitive (totally me). I worry about everything.

On top of it all, I'm lonely for a lasting relationship with a man. Yep, I admit it, I'm a 'lonely guy'. hahah.

Now, it's time for caffeine.

[reeseccup]

Some people have better coping skills than others. Some deal with stress and chaos (even their own percieved chaos) better than others. I've had to learn to curb my :rolleyes when people I know have a lot less "stressors" than I do but handle them horrifically. I have VERY good stress coping skills, so I tend to forget others necessarily don't have that skill as well as I do.

[MamaTaraX]

I know tons of moms who are stressed, SAHMs, WAHMs, WOHMs:) I know quite a few SAHMs who have taken to working part time to get "a break" from it all.

Am I personally stressed? RIght now, a resounding "hell yes!" I'm also 34 weeks pregannt, trying valiantly to be done with any preparation by 36 weeks. I have a toddler who can play happily by himself or at my side most of the time, but the past few weeks, not so much. My oldest is in school, but that doens't really do much in the way of de-stressing. Am I normally stressed when not trying to prepare for a new baby while coping with a toddler who cannot go to sleep? Nah, nottoo much, but that's more my personality than anything. I am WAY laid back. I'm very patient and peaceful. If I weren't, I assure you'd I'd have checked myself into some therapy long ago. I'm notjust a SAHM, I'm a Stuck-at-home-mom. Neither my DH nor myself can drive. We live in the almost-boonies with basically no neighbors and nothing anywhere nearby that isn't at least a ten-minute car drive. So I'm almost always here. I get out to go to births and do interviews, but, that's not really "getting away from it all". Until a year ago, my DH was gone over 14 hours a day, 5-6 days a week and I was feelin' a little stressed. Mostly I feel lonely, but not too stressed. My days are really pretty much too dull to be stressful, but it happens.

I think the SAHM gig has the potential to be very stressful, espcially for women who were out in the world before they started. I graduated high school and started having babies, so I know nothing else and that's just how I wanted it. I alsothink that a lot of women aren't prepared mentally for this gig. We think how awesome to be homew ith our children but we don't really know what we're asking foruntil we get here. I'm a firm beleiver that if at all possible, at least one parent should be home with children. If they are going nuts doing it, then by all means, go out and do something else, but try it first. Home is home. I think SAHMs would be greatly served if they saw the day-to-day of SAHMhood *before* they became one. It doesn't usuallyhappen like that unless they themselves came froma home with an at-home parent, and even then, I think more women need to see it beforehand. That made me think of an episode of "Roseanne" where she took a class of students home with her for a day to show them what she did each day -- cooking, cleaning, preparing things, all that stuff. It was funny BUT Ithought it was a great idea and I wish that more young people got to experience stuff like that before they got out and dive into it.

Namaste, Tara

[Momtwice]

Yes I am stressed.

I think a huge house would stress me out a lot. I'd be worried about whether I could continue to afford the fuel costs, the cleaning lady, worried about continuing to pay the massive mortgage.

I have struggled with envy of other moms who have more...more cleaning help, more house, more money....but they really are more like me than different, I have grown to learn.

This is just one more reason to put people before things as LLL says....it cuts both ways. If you have a lot, it can put a wedge between you and moms with a more simple lifestyle if either of you lets that happen. That is worth fighting against.

Also the lack of positive feedback can be VERY stressful as a SAHM. Who am I? How will I fill the void when my kids grow up? Who do I want to be when they fly the nest? Will anyone want to hire me after years at home? Will I make as much as dh? etc.

And the isolation can be a killer.

Still wouldn't trade the job though! :love

[justmama]

Oh yeah, and then some! My 5 year old is in school all day but I have my own 11 month old, another 11 month old that I watch, plus a 4 year old that goes to pre-k. What does that mean? Bundle up the two babies and two kids for walk to school for kindergarten at 8am. Then bundle up babies and 4 year old for walk to same school for pre-k at 11:45am. Then bundle babies up AGAIN for walk to same school to pick up 5 year old and 4 year old at 2:10pm. SOOOO. . . . .ladies, that means I'm at that dang school 3 times a day with two 11 month olds who are beginning walkers and HATE being restrained in the stroller but being 11 months old, they are not capable of walking down the driveway, much less down the street to the school. And being 11 months old, they are NOT good at waiting for the older kids. So we bring lots of finger foods and playsilks for peek-a-boo! Add that to the constant children up my butt all day long and the demands of having an in-home licensed daycare(unannounced inspections!), and you have a recipe for stress. And that doesn't include being a military family so dh can be recalled at any minute to go back to work, deploy, etc. My house HAS to be clean and sanitary to pass inspection but that doesn't happen easily with 4 kids(2 being babies) running through it all day long. It's a very very stressful life! And we don't have any family support within 800miles and no babysitter so dh and I can't remember the last time we went out! :nut

Meg

[Pandora114]

Yup stressed here too.

Between taking care of a 2yr old and being treated like a 2yr old when it comes to money, yeah it's pretty stressful.

Oh yeah, living on a base full of "mainstream" women, no adult contact for the sake of my sanity...mommy wars abound on a base....and I'm not into that....

Oh yeah I gotta shovel the driveway later....

[SimplyMama]

Stress can also come from anxiety. I have a pretty good set-up here, though DH is away 3-4 days a week & we have no family close by. No help with the house, but we plan to work that into the budget this summer.

Even though I have my healthy beautiful children, am married to my soulmate, and we finally found our dream house...I sometimes seem to wake up feeling like my whole body is clenched. I worry about things that really don't merit the kind of attention I give them, and I'm just crackeling with stress. :flipped

Usually, it's a lack of sleep, not eating enough healthy foods, having had a cup of coffee (sadly, I can't tolerate it as I used to) or sugary foods. I just feel miserable. I've learned to treat it like I would the flu...rest, fluids, nourishing foods, soft music, and not expecting to get *everything* done *perfectly* until I feel better.

Sometimes, though, it's the strain of trying to keep up the myth that I have everything together, and am doing just fine, thankyouverymuch. Since my family is concerned that our four children are too much work, and will ruin my health, I feel compelled to disprove them. I feel I can't be candid, or honest about how sometimes it *is* hard, but I have no regrets, etc. Also, since my neighbors think that I'm the earthy birthy bread bakin' mama who does it all with a baby on her back....well, I'd like to live up to that. :o It kills me when I 'fail', and buy the school lunch, forget to sign a school paper, am late driving DD to piano lessons, the neighbor sees the dirty kitchen floor or the piles of laundry I'm folding. It's like death by a thousand cuts, because I think people are *waiting* for me to stumble, so they can be smug. I'm pretty sure that most people are into their own lives, and really could care less about me, my kids, or my freakin' whole wheat bread! :lol But still, I do it to myself. So yes, you can create your own stress too...*especially* when things appear perfect!

[SimplyMama]

Oh, and I forgot to add that sometimes my stress is increased by the guilt that I am "not grateful for what I have, and how far we've come" when I am feeling stressed, thus kicking off the stress/guilt/stress/guilt cycle. :nut

[USAmma]

It's all relative. Being a SAHM is hard b/c you don't have a 15 min cofee break or bathroom break. It's constant on-duty day and night. If I'm lucky I can go grocery shopping by myself in the evening.

I *wish* I had housekeeping help!! My 4yo (almost 5) is homeschooled so no break there. She tried preschool and I found it too hard to rush her to school and then pick her up again. Homeschooling is much less stresful for me to be honest.

It was really bad for awhile when dd1 was having behavior/sensory issues and dd2 was vomiting 8-10 times a day and tube-fed, and I had PPD. Now THAT was bad. I guess I'm thinking I'm living the good life now that the PPD is gone, Dd1 is growing up, and dd2 is doing so much better.

I think having young kids is stressful, period.

I know full time working mamas and they are stressed, too. They have to come home and rush to make dinner and clean and catch up with the kids. One mama has a young baby who still wakes up at night a few times and she still has to get up and go to work the next day.

[Pandora114]

:angry :bang OMG My DH pulled that "you really should be grateful for what you have" bullcrap when I asked him if I could be more involved in the financial decisions!

[Lucky Charm]

I no longer spend time questioning why another person is stressed. I *used* to do that with a family member, and for the life of me couldnt fathom where her *stress* was coming from. She lived in a house her parents put a huge down payment on, she didnt have to work, and if anything was needed her parents paid (and they lived with them too). She didnt take the kids to and from school, I could go on and on. Yet, she was terribly stressed and I couldnt understand why, because in my head, if I had my mom and dad with me and my dad to take the kids from school, if i didnt have to worry about money.....I would be thrilled. But, people are different and whats stressful to some isnt stressful to another.

I am one of those people who find staying at home *not* to be stressful. But thats *me*. I find my job in the emergency room to be stressful, stressful enough that a few weeks ago I cracked/broke my molar from clenching my jaw so tight :shrug
I worked in an open heart ICU where I cracked 4 teeth at once and had to go to an oral surgeon for a significant repair to save the teeth (saved 3, lost 1!).

I dont think the OP is making a judgment per se as much as an observation. I could see why one person in one situation can look at someone else and wonder why the hell they are complaining (not that i am condoning it, just discussing!).

FTR I found frequent nightwakings the hardest part of the whole gig, and my mood and outlook improved greatly when the babies slept through the night (and mine all did by 14 months, with my youngest going all night by 4 or 5 weeks!).

[Ruthla]

Yeah, I can understand how that could be stressful. Even with the "ideal" setup as far as housecleaning, money, and babysitters are concerned, some people are just more prone to stress than others. Some people need uninterupted sleep more than others.

[Boadicea]

I am so stressed that I asked for hypnotherapy stress management sessions for Christmas. :eyesroll

[Peony]

I'm not stressed, I should worry about money more then I do, definately have things to stress about but I leave the worrying to DH. :p Of course I have bad days, dd is going through a difficult phase right now, but generally I'm pretty laid back.

[mmace]

I'm stressed. I'm a single mom of three. From the outside, things probably look fine. The kids are doing great, we have a nice home and car, we're healthy, etc. etc. etc. BUT ex has decided to just pay what *he* thinks he should in childsupport (not nearly enough!), when he feels like it (not often enough!), AND he thinks that I should be able to take care of all of the bills with it - the mortgage, the car payment, insurance, etc. *Everything* we went into together, he now thinks I should take care of on my own, on waaayyyyy less than half of what we used to bring in. Therefore, I'm faced with a foreclosure notice on the house, Chrysler Financial calling every five minutes asking where the car payment is, and on, and on, and on. So yes, even though things probably look rosy on the outside, I'm stressed.

[Lucky Charm]

Marissa, I would be stressed too :Hug

[frowningfrog]

Stress is my first name ....how I would love to be your SIl for a week ..id be cured.
I do all the cleaning alll the child raising ..all the decision making ..cooking, errands,,,should i go on....SO helps with taking out the trash and dirtiing dishes...

[Momtwice]

I no longer spend time questioning why another person is stressed. I *used* to do that with a family member, and for the life of me couldnt fathom where her *stress* was coming from. She lived in a house her parents put a huge down payment on, she didnt have to work, and if anything was needed her parents paid (and they lived with them too). She didnt take the kids to and from school, I could go on and on. Yet, she was terribly stressed and I couldnt understand why, because in my head, if I had my mom and dad with me and my dad to take the kids from school, if i didnt have to worry about money.....I would be thrilled.

Thrilled in some ways, sure. But I would find it very stressful to be so dependent on my parents, as an adult. I would question my coping skills, my independence, everything. And I would get stressed out setting normal boundaries with my parents because I'd be afraid of offending them.

I

[Lucky Charm]

But I would find it very stressful to be so dependent on my parents, as an adult. I would question my coping skills, my independence, everything. And I would get stressed out setting normal boundaries with my parents because I'd be afraid of offending them.


Funny you wrote this, as it was my conclusion (eventually). I began to look a bit closer and realized she was in fact terribly dependent, and had always been. Just a few months ago, the furnace went, and her husband (my husbands brother) was in florida visiting his mom, and she had to call her parents home from a motor home trip because of getting a new furnace (Whats up with that). And she *does* have poor coping skills, and never has been independent at all, even in a spiritual sense.

[Hey Mama!]

Heck ya! I sah during the day, and work a part time job at Target nights and weekends. We have no support system where we live, as we just moved here and I haven't built a network yet. It's just me and dh, all alone.

[Momtwice]

sweetbaby3, have you ever read The Millionaire Next Door? (I think that's the one...) It talks about the adult children of the wealthy who grow up dependent on their wealthy parents for extra money for the best house, private school tuition, etc.

[spatulagirl]

I am not stressed now (ok with the exception of the Holiday Helper thread but that is a good stress :) ).

I was stressed prior to this move when I was working a full time job at home, on top of my SAHM gig. That was awful and I think it made us miserable (although the money was nice). I have de-stressed now and I find we are all MUCH happier when I am a SAHM.

[charmarty]

I guess I was just felling a little "what could you possibly be stressed bout!?" after talking to her. Her dh gets up with the kids in the AM before he goes to work so that she can sleep in - he makes breakfast every SAt...etc...




I guess my question to you is, Why wouldn't a SAHM be stressed?

[~Nikki~]

It's all relative. Being a SAHM is hard b/c you don't have a 15 min cofee break or bathroom break.

That's true. I can't imagine there are many out-of-home jobs where you have to attempt to go number 2 with your boss squirming and screaming on your lap, trying to get under your shirt to eat (well, I would HOPE nobody has to experience that... :lol ). I'll bet there aren't too many jobs where your lunch break consists of making lunch for several other people, then cleaning the floor, the dishes, the hands and faces of your co-workers, and - if it was a real distaster of a meal - giving them all a bath and a change of clothes.

That's the main problem with being a SAHM. You get NO breaks. If you're sick, you have no sick days. You get no vacation days. And forget playing hookie! It's a 24 hour a day job. I like to joke that my kids sometimes take shifts for crying. As soon as one stops, the other starts. Sometimes, we just have a bad day. And yes, it can be very high stress. Sometimes when DH comes home, I'll pass the baby to him, tell him where he can find DD and mention that she has a poopy diaper, and I'll run a bath and hide out for an hour or so.

Most of the time, it's not overly stressful. But it's definitely the hardest job I've had.

[phathui5]

No. Thanks to the Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline book, I can say that I'm not freaking out nearly as much as I used to. "The moment is as it is."

[mamajessica]

But you all are right - everyone is diff. and I shouldn't be judging her as I'm not in her shoes. Perhaps I need to look at this diff. and realize that whatever the situation is - she is tressed...I think I'll email her and ask if she wants me to take the kids for an afternoon so she can just chill.

:D That's probably what she needs. I know that in moments of really freaking out about SAH, I just want a break more than a clean house or whatever.

[pilesoflaundry]

She is stressed?? Good grief!

If I got to go out once a week, only had 2 kids and one of them went to preschool a few mornings a week and had a cleaning lady wth would I be stressed over??

I am stressed beyond belief. I actually get chest pains from all the stress sometimes. I have 3 kids 7, 3, and 2. 7 year old had autism, all 3 have food allergies and intolerances and 2 year old has sensory integration. It's fun times at my house! I have no help at *all* none, dh works for the bill money and that is it. He works many hours and is in the military so high stress, no help. I never go out alone, nevermind on a date with dh! I'm still cosleeping with one of them and sometimes ds still gets up at night at 2am to roam the house. urgh.

So stressed, hell yes! My give a damn is busted.

[pilesoflaundry]

Oh, and I forgot to add that sometimes my stress is increased by the guilt that I am "not grateful for what I have, and how far we've come" when I am feeling stressed, thus kicking off the stress/guilt/stress/guilt cycle. :nut

I go through this too :hug:

[afishwithabike]

Totally stressed but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a SAHM, and having all the little unexpected joys that my children bring me because one day they won't be little anymore.

A friend once told me...there's a time and season to everything. I know my babies won't be little for long, so I'm just trying to enjoy them and know that one day I can do the things that I used to enjoy...

I can get my personal things in later. I only have them in my complete care for four years. Five to six total years is nothing in comparison with the rest of my life. My mom was a SAHM and I appreciate that she was always there for us. I remember working being a lot more stressful than this, especially after getting married. Working all day (9-10 hrs) then coming home working out making dinner and cleaning the house. I'll take staying home with my two little blessings any day.

[bwylde]

Stress? Oh yeah! I'm sure I could cope better if I could get more than an hour of sleep at a time. DD is teething like mad and for the past month or so has been waking every hour at least at night (she usually only wakes 3 or 4 times a night :rolleyes: ). DS has been waking up a lot lately because he's not feeling well and DH is even getting in on it. Last night he woke me up screaming in his sleep about DS pooping in our bed. I dutifully trudged to get stuff to clean it up when DH woke up and told me it was just a dream :angry: . Of course he can usually sleep through anything.

Then there's the whole "Keeping up appearances" thing where you have to have the house looking decent. I keep decluttering but there is no end to stuff as people think since we're poor, we want all their junk :angry: . The lack of money since DH only works part time in a grocery store gets me down (although in all gratitude, we do ok). The whole guilt factor. There's so much chaos and lots of underlying issues in our house I just want to lay down and bawl at times.

Did I mention I was sleep deprived? :lol

Anyway, I know it's all worth it and eventually I'll wonder where the time went. In moments of coherency, I weep in gratitude over the blessing it is that I can SAH.

[UnschoolnMa]

Different things and situations are stressful (or not) to different people. I am stressed about health issues, finances, and employment (my Dh's) rather than kids waking me up or time to do things I need to do. My friend with young children is stressed about keeping the kids healthy through winter (she has one that catches everything) and house cleaning and rest. She doesn't worry about money, and I haven't been worried about kids keeping me up at night in ages. It just depends.

[KayleeZoo]

Um, yes. A resounding YES. But it's all sleep deprivation derived for me. My 7mo old is up anywhere between 6-10 times a night. I'm one of those people who gets physically ill and depressive from chronic exhaustion. Add a 5.5 and 2.5 yo into the mix, and well, it ain't so pretty sometimes.

BUT- I'm working hard to remember how blessed I am, how much our family does have, and the fact that we are all healthy (well not at the moment- everyone is sick and the baby has the flu :( ). We always have what we need and no money worries, a big house, and it truly is a privelege to be able to stay home with my children. I cannot fathom them being in daycare/at a babysitters, etc. while I WOH. :(

So, while the stress is enough to make me :nut, I can't say I'd trade it for any other situation. Although, I gotta admit, I'd really really like a cleaning lady :D

[dukeswalker]

1st off I wanted to make sure that I did'nt imply that a SAHM couldn't be stressed - That's a good one! I have 3 kids, a dh that works 14 hour days, no help whatsoever near by... :blah

Listening to you all talk brings up many good points. Initially, I was just listening to her tell me how stressed she was, all the while, in the back of my head, I'm running a list of things that she has at her disposal to help her life be less stressful - and then comparing it to mine :rolleyes obviously not the ideal way of looking at things - the grass is always greener, right?

She and I are definately different people - I'm much more laid back - I could see how she would be the one trying to maintain the image of being a "perfect" mom - I gave up on that a long time ago! :lol I guess I have grown fond of the chaos - and thankfully my dh has grown used to it - like he has a choice! :wink

I did email her, offered for my dh and I to take the kids to the park one afternoon- she thanked me, said she has most of the days covered with Mommy & Me/Preschool functions and her dh has the weekends covered for the most part plus she said her and dh would be having an overnight date this weekend - so at least I tried! :)

You all had me feeling pretty crappy about the way I sort of dismissed her stress - I guess I was just thinking, "Man...Do you know how many people would love to be in her shoes?" My best friend is recently divorced, has 2 lil' kids, her ex lost his job - she just had to have a tooth pulled because she couldn't afford to have it fixed, she had to sign her kids up for an adopt a family program for X-mas, plus she has some unknown health condition with no insurance at the moment, was living in a house with one exterior door (downstairs) that wouldn't close and couldn't fix it so was sleeping REALLY badly for fear of someone coming in, etc, etc....So I guess after talking to my bf - and them my SIL - I kind of felt like, well, to be honest "Are you kidding me? You're stressed?! Do you know how easy you have it?!" But you all are right - each of us has our own stressors and how much we can take - Just because I may view her life as pretty darn cushy, doesn't mean it can't be tough to be in her shoes....

[BurnsideMommy]

I SAH with the boys (3.5 years and 19 months), and I'm 21 weeks pregnant. Neither of
my kiddos go to preschool or any out of the house program unless it's a mom & me type thing.

I have a cleaning lady come every week to do deep cleaning (I have allergies & athsma
and need the house dust free and super clean in order to breathe, and being pregnant
has kept me from cleaning as much as I'd like, so 2 months ago we hired her). Plus
we have 4 cats at the house so everything has to be de-haired all the time.

We don't have a sitter, so we don't go out without the kiddos.

I take 2 online classes through the university in town, and am chairperson of a local
organization so that takes up time too.

Our kiddos co-sleep and wake me up constantly, as does peeing every hour, and just sleeping
poorly due to discomfort as well. Plus it doesn't help that Austin is nighttime potty
training, so we wake up to change sheets occasionally. And Hunter will not sleep in a
wet diaper, so he wakes up crying if he's wet. I typically need a lot of sleep, and I
just don't get it, so I feel exhausted and depressed when I can't funtion as I need to.

I am a perfectionist and over organize everything so I can't ever get everything done
that I want to either.

The kiddos have lots of programs (which they love), soccer, awana, swim, music, gym, etc, so we're
constantly busy. And we have church obligations such as bible study, events, etc.

Dh owns a company that hosts & builds websites. He has some pretty big clients, including
National Cristina Foundation and (honestly) Trump.com. He works long, unpredictable hours.
He often gets calls at any hour, or servers go down and he has to go to fix them because
he & his employees take turns being on call for that sort of thing. So I am often left with
the kiddos for long, long periods with no break.

Also, my kiddos have both decided that they're too good to nap these days so that takes
a lot of my patience.

I'm extremely stressed, but I do realize that of the major factors that bring on stress,
I do, do this to myself with a lot of it (being a perfectionist, organized, overscheduling
myself, etc).

To a lot of people I'm sure I look live I live a comfortable and relaxed life (which
we do have it good), but that doesn't mean that both DH & I aren't very stressed out
overtired people.

It's all about percieved deprivation. What may seem easy to one person can be
hard to another because of the way the person interprets their situation, handles things,
and all of the little factors involved as well.

[PadmaMorgana]

Stressed?? You betcha :D

Let's see....Christmas is coming and I have to get 3 parcels in the mail by Friday or they won't make it to my family. My cards are late. Gifts meant for my DS for his birthday in October still aren't here (they got returned to sender by customs....), DD's birthday is in 2 weeks, I don't have gifts for everyone. I can't go shopping with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and DH is out of town until Sunday. We have been sick for a month (me, then DS, then DD, then me again), laundry is piled up, the house is messy....

every little thing piles up. I haven't slept through the night in a solid month. I need uninterrupted sleep and with sick kids, being sick, aunt flo, I am getting 6 hours of sleep a night. Oh and I can't sleep well without DH in the house. Plus I set off the alarm at 10pm by putting a bag of garbage into the garage. Woke up both kids and gave me a freaking heart attack.

But the main thing is I need helper moms. Badly. And I stress out about a mom in need having a good holiday so much that I want to take care of them all myself.

It gets better, but right now I am uber-stressed :eyesroll Some people just handle things better than others and I don't handle it very well at all. Gotta cut back on coffee :lol

[newcastlemama]

I think that being a mom is stressful. I think I would be lessed stressed if we had more $ but that is life. I actaully enjoy cleaning my own house (I find it very theraputic, especially bathrooms,..I am a freak) I also make sure I have "me" time though. I go to the gym and let people watch Jack whenever they want to have him over.
My husband and I also make sure we are not overbooking and keep our life very simple. We are not a go-go family and I think that maks a big difference. Les is more is our motto.

[lmonter]

Do you know any SAHMs that are stressed about life as a SAHM?
:wave

But I'm a heckuva lot less stressed being a sahm instead of a wohm.
Now we have mostly nutritious homemade meals vs. take-out or a frozen box of something, the bills are almost always paid on time, ds and dh are both happier because I'm happier, we *all* get a lot more sleep (even if we do get up a few times a night), etc.
Now I stress about how I'm not 'contributing' to our financial situation with a paycheck, being the perfect mom and wife, making sure we have clean towels/sheets/diapers/clothes/dishes, cleaning up the poop ds smeared on the carpet in the dining room, how to deal with MIL, and the list could go on. I don't have enough time or energy to get to the gym every time I want to, I haven't done any scrapbooking in almost 4 years, and my only current hobby is diapers because that's part of what my day is centered around - nothing really 'adult-like' for hobbies. Kids are by no means an easy job, regardless of how much help is around.

[Cathi]

The grass is always greener I say. I'm jealous of her nifty life right about now. Maybe she's suffering from something physical? Before I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism I was a complete wreck. Even my dh questioned my ability to function as a human being. It sucked. Still does, but at least now I know it isn't really my fault if I am always tired.

[Sharlla]

None of the moms in my AP group seem very stressed. I think some (the ones that are nursing toddlers and infants) do have their hands a little full though. I have very little stress because I have 6.5 years in age between the boys.

[charmarty]

This htread has been bugging me all day and I think that I have nailed why for me.

I think it is becasue even tho she seems to have alot of help and breaks, this should not matter much. When you have other things in your life taking your energy becasue let's face it, being a mom takes 110% of you PER CHILD. Then there si the rest of life that demands your attention. Thus making it all th emore difficult ( sometimes) to 'be in the now'.

We don;t know if her marrigae is happy or not. We don't know if she is fighting with another family member or not. We just don't know. My point is there are a million things that could be under the surface that is challenging her and draining her energy. That makes being a mom all the more harder regardless of how much help or money a person has.

[twindaze]

I'm a SAHM, no cleaning help, 4 kids, 3 in school. I'm stressed. I have a large'ish house, 2200 square feet, and honestly, it stresses me out. I just can't get a handle on it. That's really the main source of my stress honestly. And my dh isn't nearly supportive enough about it. :(

[lauraess]

Hey mama/op, I really hope you are not being judgemental of your SIL. I understand she lives a different life than you, but we must try to remember is that she is different. So, what stresses her out is not what stresses you out and what or how she chooses to attempt or not attempt to acheive in life probobly is not something you can easily dig.
personally, It's taken me a while to learn to relax as a Sahm. I'd definately not say im never stressed out but not like I used to be. Im glad i understand how living more simply helps but honestly I still am very affected by upbringings of the more mainstream type. Life seeps in and it's difficult to just relax knowing all is actually taken care ofr rather well.
I think also it's way to easy to forget that we all are very different people with different sets of coping skills as well as values.
Bottom line as has been said before=being a mom is stressfull and if you're not than lucky you. :Peace You've got something going right, thats for sure!

[MamaDaednu]

Hell yeah I'm stressed.
It's a stressful job because so, so, so much depends on it being done properly. And on top of that there's the guilt about feeling stressed.
And what compounds is X100 is other mothers who say about each other "There's no reason so-and-so should be stressed, she has it so much easier than me."

It's something nasty we do to each other as mothers. I've been guilty of it at times to. But I feel dirty when I think it. Because we all handle stress differently and all feel it differently.

~Daednu

[oceanbaby]

If I got to go out once a week, only had 2 kids and one of them went to preschool a few mornings a week and had a cleaning lady wth would I be stressed over??
Except for the cleaning lady part, this describes me, and I would say that I am stressed. But I know deep down that it has a lot less to do with having two kids than it does with me feeling incompetent, and therefore overwhelmed, at being a SAHM. I always feel like I should be doing more, doing better, and it stresses me out.

I will admit that I would have a bit less stress if money was easier for us. That creates a lot of anxiety for me.

[lauraess]

Oceanbaby> I totally agree with your point about the feeling of incompetance being the main reason, the root of the problem as to why we moms feel SOOO stressed. Sure it's a hell of a tough job, but we tend to make it harder on ourselves when we're not seeing the value of what we do, or always expecting ourselves to do more.
Society, other women, men, and the inate never-ending-ness of "the job" has always always put us in this position. We are now very educated in the area of sociology and pshycology to understand this and so it's time we stop beating ourselves and eachother up.
I heard last night on this radio program that the rate of couples choosing to not have children is rising and it's believed it's partly because most think it's Just TOO much to handle- financially and overall. So, here we have a large portion of society opting out of reproduction due to the very issues we, as a whole, have continued to exacerbate. why? It's called- IMO- discontentedness.
So, how do we get content with family life?
sorry to :blah but sometimes i do this in the morning :lol - plus the radio show was really getting to me.
to the OP> I in no way am directing this all at you as i have seen you have shared your processing of this issue and am truly happy you chose to give your SIL an offer of help. That was really kind and generous of you.

[mmace]

Something else I was thinking about - my oldest two are in school all day, and people seem to think that I should be less stressed because I don't have them home with me all day. Total bull! My son (seven) has PDD-NOS, and has had some problems at school this year. During one four day period I was called down to his school three times - twice on the same day. Thankfully things have resolved themselves (fingers crossed!) but let me tell you, *that* was stress! :lol

How does the saying go? Small children, small problems - big children, big problems!

Yep, it's easy for me to sit here and say that I'd love to be in your SILs shoes - the cleaning lady, no financial worries - but I don't know what her life is like. As I said before, from the outside, my life doesn't look all that bad - I'm a single mom of three, but we live in a nice house, have a decent car, are well clothed and fed - but what people don't know is that we are behind on all the bills, got a foreclosure notice on the house, and I feel more alone every single day.

[yogamama]

This is an interestng thread! I'm currently reading the book "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" by Judith Warner. The author is critical of the AP lifestyle (she says that it sets up high ideals that demand too much of mothers), but she also raises some great points.

The basic idea of the book is that American mothers ARE stressed because we have high expectations, little or no support, conflicting desires, and an insane culture. We were raised to believe that we could be great moms and be fulfilled at work - but really we don't have enough support to feel good about either role. We work really hard, we are competitive (because of the American culture of individualism and competitiveness) and we are stressed.

We think that we have "choices", but often our choices are just crappy. Be at home full time with your kids with little support or take a job outside the house and struggle to find decent childcare. Hmmm - crappy choice A or crappy choice B - which do you prefer??

I think stress is a huge problem in our society. We expect everyone to be busy, hard-working, productive (and STRESSED) most of the time. It's just unhealthy.

All that said - yep, I feel stressed. My house needs attention, it's freezing cold outside, I have a rowdy 2 year old and a high energy 6 year old, I miss being with adults more, etc.

Okay, my two year old is running around naked. I guess I should go give her some attention!

Good thread!
Kathleen