Dilemma

[AppleCrisp]

Help me.

Major dilemma.

Where am I going to have this baby?! I had the bad timing to get accidentally pregnant one week AFTER my husband committed to a new job which involves moving to an entirely new state. My husband has already gone and only comes back on the weekends. I have a really good job and lots of seniority and flexibility with hours although I don't love it. I don't want to leave my job sooner than I have to, and I want my 3 months paid time off, but I also feel like I should be settled in my new place for awhile before I have the baby, and I want my husband around after he is born (and WHEN he's born, too!)

Stay until baby:
Keep my job til March and get three months of paid time off before I tell them I'm not returning (hours I have earned and will lose if I quit)
Stay in my house instead of needing to move while very pregnant
Be near mother in law (my only family anywhere near)
Husband 4 hours away M-F and potentially weekends too
Not spend 2-3 months unemployed waiting for baby
Lousy hospital with OBs who aren't even sure what natural birth or breastfeeding is, and slim pickin's on doulas
Make it through a whole winter alone, pregnant, with blizzards and a long commute to work every day and a handful of a dog who hates everyone but me
Makes need to find housing in new place much less critical
Husband not available to go to any classes or childbirth prep with me

Leave now:
Husband actually around to help me once the baby is born (major)
Husband available to go to childbirth prep classes
New place actually has birth centers, doulas, other MDC mamas, whole foods, can cut back to one car, playgroups, stuff for new mothers to do, better weather, public transportation
Hope to high heaven I find a job
Have a small expensive apartment on one salary which I can't decorate for baby and I'll probably want to move out of after 6 months anyway

Which is worse?! I haven't the faintest idea. I should add that I am totally frazzled with the snow, commuting, working full time, no dog sitter, being pregnant, and living in a house that has 2 flights of stairs just to get to the front door. Although, if I keep working, I could afford to hire someone to help me one day a week at home.

:flipped :flipped :flipped :flipped :flipped :flipped :flipped :flipped

[RedOakMomma]

If you have any paid vacation time (is that three months vacation or maternity time?), could you take it now? That would give you a lot of time to move at a slow pace, plus some income you could stretch out over the next few months.

It's a personal call, but I'd probably opt for moving closer to your husband. You'll need his help and support more and more as you get more pregnant, and his bonding time with you and the babe is vital.

Is there any way you could move and not need to search for a job? That seems to be a large amount of stress. Do you have savings, or could you scrape by for the next few months on one income? Maybe sell a car, or go without stuff like cable, cell phones, and internet? It might be really great for you to have a couple of months to slowly move, slowly unpack, prepare for baby, and then have at least a couple of months after the baby arrives to just _be_ as a family, rather than having to look for or worry about work.

If your parents or in-laws are looking for a *really* nice shower/moving present, I would suggest hiring movers. I moved at 5.5 months pregnant (with my twins), and it's incredibly stressful. Movers would have been a smart decision--I know they're incredibly pricey sometimes, but Soooooo! worth it when you're pregnant.

It's a tough decision, but it sounds like the big issues keeping you where you are are mostly financial, whereas the reasons to move are almost all real, important, life-changing ones....family, what's best for baby, and what's best for you as a mom.

Good luck. :hug

[yvonnemlv]

I would move too. Mostly because it sounds like you would get a better support system, in different ways ("New place actually has birth centers, doulas, other MDC mamas, whole foods, can cut back to one car, playgroups, stuff for new mothers to do, better weather, public transportation
") than where you are now.

yes, moving is tough and stressful, not having a job too, and it does suck to lose such hard earned time, but is it really worth it?

In the end... Follow your heart, not your head.

[Ell-Bell]

DH and I were planning on moving when we found out we were pregnant. We had to struggle about timing, too. Granted, we were moving together at the same time, and I freelance so I can work anywhere. But it was still hard to think about the timing issue.

We decided to move over Thanksgiving, I was 14 weeks pregnant.

Like you, we moved from a more conservative area to one that is very AP. That was a huge reason for moving BEFORE the baby. I wanted to have a positive birth experience and not stress about it or have to explain my personal decisions to narrow minded people.

Another huge factor is that I thought it would help me to meet new people if I moved before the baby. Taking pre-natal yoga, pre-natal childbirth classes, etc. would give me an opportunity to meet people in the new area and make the adjustment easier.

I know I have a different situation, but thought I would add that bit about making new friends... I think it's easier to meet people in classes, etc. than after baby is born and you are in a new area all alone.

BUT I understand about the money thing. I am lucky and freelance, so I can work wherever I want (pretty much) and set my own hours. I can't imagine applying for new jobs, etc later in the pregnancy.

The second trimester is a great time to move, you feel relatively well, and can still help out with stuff, even if you can't do a lot of lifting.

So I agree with others that it would be better to move sooner rather than later, but I don't have any advice on the money issue. As for living in an apartment that you can't decorate, the baby won't notice! We plan on co-sleeping, and while we will have a baby room, it will probably be pretty sparse for awhile!

If you do stay put for awhile, does DH get any paternity leave? If he could come stay with you a good chunk of time, it would be great.

[AppleCrisp]

If you have any paid vacation time (is that three months vacation or maternity time?), could you take it now? That would give you a lot of time to move at a slow pace, plus some income you could stretch out over the next few months.

It's a personal call, but I'd probably opt for moving closer to your husband. You'll need his help and support more and more as you get more pregnant, and his bonding time with you and the babe is vital.

Is there any way you could move and not need to search for a job? That seems to be a large amount of stress. Do you have savings, or could you scrape by for the next few months on one income? Maybe sell a car, or go without stuff like cable, cell phones, and internet? It might be really great for you to have a couple of months to slowly move, slowly unpack, prepare for baby, and then have at least a couple of months after the baby arrives to just _be_ as a family, rather than having to look for or worry about work.

If your parents or in-laws are looking for a *really* nice shower/moving present, I would suggest hiring movers. I moved at 5.5 months pregnant (with my twins), and it's incredibly stressful. Movers would have been a smart decision--I know they're incredibly pricey sometimes, but Soooooo! worth it when you're pregnant.

It's a tough decision, but it sounds like the big issues keeping you where you are are mostly financial, whereas the reasons to move are almost all real, important, life-changing ones....family, what's best for baby, and what's best for you as a mom.

Good luck. :hug

Yep...kind of how I thought about it...more savings now than I ever had in my whole life, and I know I'll find a job in the "big city" in a matter of time. I could definitely get by on one salary for awhile, thanks to my MDC friends who have really shown me that you can be simple with your baby. I had it in my mind that being a family from the beginning was the most important thing, but someone talked to me today about the financial benefits of staying, and that made me worry that I was being too rigid. Wish I could take off now, but you can't get FMLA until you actually deliver or you have a mecical problem your OB writes you a note for. It would be nice to available for my husband also since he just made a huge career/life change and has been living the bachelor life for six months.

Thanks for your input....I needed to get my priorities back in order. Not to mention, I called the only midwifery practice anywhere near here today to see if there was a doula they recommended (if I had to stay here to make the best of it)...they were SO RUDE!! And said no they recommended no one - how weird is that?? So maybe its a sign!

[Birth Junky]

I would probably opt for moving now, instead of later--I remember reading somewhere that if you have to move during or near your pregnancy, the second trimester is THE time to do it. First trimester you're often too sick to help much, third trimester you're too uncomfortable . . . and the upheaval of a move can be a lot for pregnant hormones, at a time when you just want to feel secure and "nested". I would imagine that the same would hold true for the first few months post-partum.

[HappiLeigh]

:hug Tough decision!
We also faced a move situation a couple months ago. I was going to stay and he was going to go, but as the time got closer (and the pregnancy more real) my mind changed, and I moved too. I'm just doing odd jobs and substitute teaching here until baby comes, but it's nice to be near my DH, and building a relationship with my OB, and dealing with bad weather where there is someone to fuss over me and scrape the car on my behalf!
On the other hand, I was totally going to stay and I had all the reasons worked out why that was going to be better too...again, I think you just have to do what feel most right!

[AppleCrisp]

Iat a time when you just want to feel secure and "nested". I would imagine that the same would hold true for the first few months post-partum.

I really, really feel the need to clean...and throw stuff out...and get rid of clutter. Its really weird. Driving my husband nuts too. And it is hard for me to "nest" when I know I'm going to be selling the house and moving. I think I would like be settled sooner rather than later.

Thanks for your input.