Talking to DH about things that could go wrong

[aprilushka]

I don't know if this is the right forum or if there is any advice to be had on this, but here it goes...

DH is okay with my HBAC plans and really while not being "supportive" in terms of gung ho, is just like, well if that's what you want and I'm sure it will be fine. DH tends not to think about risk very much, in fact, he doesn't like to acknowledge its existence in any context. So far in life that seems to have worked for him, but I can't help but be a risk analyzer (I'm a lawyer) and while I feel comfortable with the risk level I'm taking in our case, when looking at the benefits and the risks of alternate choices, I'm worried about how DH will react if something goes wrong. He tends to be a yeller and really goes off on me sometimes about the stupidest little things he thinks I do wrong, so it worries me, perhaps above all, that he won't be able to handle something big, and that he will blame me totally if something happens to the baby or me during this birth. It would be bad enough to lose a baby, but to lose a baby and go through a divorce would be even worse.

We have had some serious and devastating losses recently in another group I'm in, and while I have considered these things before, I'm trying to address and deal with all my fears now, before I get to the end of this pregnancy. I tried to talk to him about this and he just went off about how I spend too much time reading about bad things that happen to people I don't know (he doesn't understand that internet connections can be meaningful) and if anything does happen it's going to be my fault for thinking something bad is going to happen (great, now he's on the blame game before anything even happens). He thinks most problems people have are self created in their head. But the problem is he's not a contingency planner and I am, but I can't contigency plan for his emotions or thoughts, which worry me a lot, because I honestly don't know how he will react if something goes wrong. Also, he doesn't plan to be in the room during the birth because he doesn't want to be (and I don't want to make him), so if something does go wrong, he will not have seen what happened.

I don't know what to do, because I'd really like to go over the stats with him and explain my benefit-risk analysis better so that he can see why this is the decision I wanted to take but he just doesn't want to talk about it, period, and thinks that talking about it just makes it more likely to happen.

At the same time, I can't bring myself to sign up for an ERCS just because he might blame me if something goes wrong (and if I did change my mind and go for an ERCS because of these fears and something went wrong-- I suppose that would be my fault too?! :irked: ) and it's not like he's asking me to do that, and I don't feel like hospital VBAC is any safer for the baby and is definitely less safe for me.

Just wondering if any other homebirthers have had this particular fear and if you found a way to deal with it before the birth. Of course, most likely it won't be a problem, but this is my biggest contingency fear-- not just dead baby but dead baby combined with emotional abandonment by DH combined with divorce.

DH is great in his own way, but in this aspect I feel like I can't trust him and it really worries me.

Also, his English is not that great so asking him to read birth literature is not going to happen, and I haven't found any good stuff in Russian, I highly doubt an equivalent of "The Thinking Woman's Guide" or anything like that exists there, not that he would read it anyway, given his attitude toward thinking about the possibilities of something going wrong.

[busybusymomma]

Hello A,

Not really any advice- but just empathy. My dh is extremely laid-back and I can't imagine him getting into a blame game if anything did happen... but he is content to let me and the midwife do what needs to be done and just be there as more of a spectator (or doing something physical- as I was pushing ds, he supported me). My dh isn't very knowledgable about the female cycle or reproductive system and I guess I don't think telling him all the things that "could" go wrong would do him any good really. And he, like your husband, isn't really a reader so he just takes my word for it.

Good luck!

[Aka mommy]

Since it seems to be his way of dealing with life i have no advice on how to get him to come around. But for your own sanity and maybe self cleansing i would suggest writing out a birth plan in case of transfer or any surprises. Maybe this is your heart telling you that you have some issues you need dealing with. And while they may be your own, writing out how and what will happen should an emergency arise you will feel like youhave more control. I had an extremely traumatic first hossy birth to my older dd. I found writing out a birth plan in case of transfer to be cleansing and empowering. Once i had it written out i was able to place it in my birth folder and not worry about it. Hope it helps.

[cathicog]

DH tends not to think about risk very much, in fact, he doesn't like to acknowledge its existence in any context. So far in life that seems to have worked for him, but I can't help but be a risk analyzer (I'm a lawyer) and while I feel comfortable with the risk level I'm taking in our case, when looking at the benefits and the risks of alternate choices, I'm worried about how DH will react if something goes wrong. He tends to be a yeller and really goes off on me sometimes about the stupidest little things he thinks I do wrong, so it worries me, perhaps above all, that he won't be able to handle something big, and that he will blame me totally if something happens to the baby or me during this birth. It would be bad enough to lose a baby, but to lose a baby and go through a divorce would be even worse.

I don't know what to do, because I'd really like to go over the stats with him and explain my benefit-risk analysis better so that he can see why this is the decision I wanted to take but he just doesn't want to talk about it, period, and thinks that talking about it just makes it more likely to happen.

At the same time, I can't bring myself to sign up for an ERCS just because he might blame me if something goes wrong (and if I did change my mind and go for an ERCS because of these fears and something went wrong-- I suppose that would be my fault too?! :irked: ) and it's not like he's asking me to do that, and I don't feel like hospital VBAC is any safer for the baby and is definitely less safe for me.

Just wondering if any other homebirthers have had this particular fear and if you found a way to deal with it before the birth. Of course, most likely it won't be a problem, but this is my biggest contingency fear-- not just dead baby but dead baby combined with emotional abandonment by DH combined with divorce.

DH is great in his own way, but in this aspect I feel like I can't trust him and it really worries me.

Also, his English is not that great so asking him to read birth literature is not going to happen, and I haven't found any good stuff in Russian, I highly doubt an equivalent of "The Thinking Woman's Guide" or anything like that exists there, not that he would read it anyway, given his attitude toward thinking about the possibilities of something going wrong.

Well, being a lawyer is probably a hindrance :), as you have been taught to think of aspects none of the rest of us even consider. Yes, I thought about what ifs, when I was preparing for our UC, but given where we were living and the hospitals there, I knew I was far safer at home, and could justify my having stayed home.
The final decision is always ours, the birthing women, we are the ones with the instinct, and given your husbands cultural background( I have many Russian friends, and my dh and father are fluent) I just wouldn't expect him to be interested or to get the support I suspect you are needing. That is what we are here for! :hug So, yes, for UC and any homebirth i teach the clients to consider the possibilities, and work out cost/benefit analyses, but the bottom line is where you feel safe. If you don't feel safe, you will have difficulty letting go enough to birth well...I would read a copy of Creating a Joyful Birth experience, and Obstetric Myths and Research Realities, and see how they can help you plan a calm, trusting birth environment at home. Being here at MDC should help! :)

[aprilushka]

Oh I feel MUCH safer at home in terms of birth, at least for this birth my head and my heart are on the same page and I am trying to always keep in touch with my instinct about it...although there are specific emergency scenarios I want to think about and work out reactions to in partnership with my mw. But it's not that exactly...it's my fear of other people's reactions to homebirth if I am in that tiny percentage that something goes wrong that can't be fixed that are my biggest fear about homebirth, if that makes sense, which include my DH, his mother, possibly my mother, people at work if they found out (and hopefully they wouldn't-- I'm not going to tell them generally what my plans are), etc. But to base my decisions on other people's fears would be ridiculous.

As for a transfer plan, I've discussed this some with my mw, this state is still a bit iffy despite new legislation but she goes on transfers-- we've discussed briefly which hospital might be better. But ultimately I know that you are at the mercy of who is on call and that person could be a real jerk and I will have to advocate for myself. I have mentally prepared for that, as best I can. If it's not a dire emergency she will try to find out who's on call. I will write plans down though and discuss it with her also when I talk about what else we would be most likely to do and in what order in case of each "x" emergency situation that concerns me. I've already told her I plan to read Emergency Childbirth and think about these things.

Thanks for your replies.

[AnditheBee]

Can you say to him, "It's not the risks I'm worried about...it's being blamed by you if something goes wrong, which is why I'd like you be equally informed" or something like that? In other words--have you said to him some version of what you wrote here? I don't know if that would help, but that's what I'd do. Best of luck!

[aprilushka]

Yeah, pretty much, and he just went off on how my negative thinking would cause something to go wrong.

I'm going to try again after I have discussions with my mw so I can present it to him as an action plan for contingencies, so maybe it won't look so much to him like it's just me being nervous.