had a fight w/dh

[CalebsMama05]

Just as a little background info my dh is circumsized...he has an UGLY inch inch and a half pink scar that i think looks disgusting but i love my dh so I try not to say anything. Well when I was pg w/Caleb I stupidly believed that circ'ing boys was *no big deal* and although I felt bad about the scar (you can already see it when he has his baby erections) I figured he wouldn't have any problems with it. Well up until he was nearly three weeks old diaper changes were HORRIBLE. he would SCREAM AND SCREAM for like half an hour afterward. I felt like the worlds worst mommy and honestly I think that's why he prefers daddy to this day (I did all diaper changes until he was 2 mos old).

Well the other day I casually mentioned that if it was a boy this time I would NOT be circ'ing. I feel very strongly about it. Caleb's circ pain is what has marred our relationship. Well my dh about took my head off trying to change my mind. We are still talking but its now a tabboo subject. He just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. TO THIS DAY Caleb doesn't like me if someone else is around...and he STILL hates diaper changes. Not to mention the problems it caused our nursing relationship etc.

Not really trying to say anything with this post just wanted to vent.

[Red Sonja]

Oh no, I'm sorry. :( That can be such a sensitive topic for men. At least you still have time to bring him around.

:hug

[CalebsMama05]

its so bad that although I LOVE baby boys I'm hoping for a girl just so it becomes a non-issue.

[~pi]

Jami, I'm sorry. :hug

[CalebsMama05]

I told an irl friend of mine and she said "so get the kid circ'd...what's the big deal?" I just had to get it out cuz NO ONE understands what i'm feeling. in my family when you have a boy he is circ'd. period.

[mamacarla]

Good for you for standing up for your beliefs and for protecting this baby if it is a boy. I am sorry that Caleb experienced so much pain and I am sorry that you feel your relationship with him is damaged because of it. I am also sorry that your husband is not understanding you on this. At least you have many months to educate him on how uneccessary circumcision is. There are many moms who have circumcised one son but not subsequent sons. When you know better you do better.

Take Care,
Carla

[Jasmyn's Mum]

This website might change his mind. There's a circ procedure in it that still gives me chills whenever I think about it. It's changed my life and made me really speak out against circ. I will warn you, though, Mama, if you can't stomach it, don't watch it. Maybe just pass the website on to dh and let him see it for himself.

www.intact.ca

[Jade2561]

This website might change his mind. There's a circ procedure in it that still gives me chills whenever I think about it. It's changed my life and made me really speak out against circ. I will warn you, though, Mama, if you can't stomach it, don't watch it. Maybe just pass the website on to dh and let him see it for himself.

www.intact.ca

This is a realy good one. I showed to it dh when I was preg. with dd and he said "Well, we're never having that done to any of our kids." :thumb

To the OP, I'm sorry you had a fight with your dh. It's a tough issue. It's a good thing we are pregnant for nine months it gives you enough time to build your case. Just offering you hugs and hoping you feel better!

[Yin Yang]

Seeing that video really helps people to change their mind about circ.
My friend circumcised her first one and when she was PG with her second one I was ON HER about it nonstop the whole pregnancy. She was against it (She is from Europe) but she kept saying it was her DH's decision (I HATE THAT ONE!). SO I sent her the video, they both watched it and that was it. She cried for 30 minutes and he could not even watch it!! And they did not evne watch it with the sound which is the worst I think hearing that horrible screaming of that poor little baby. So, they have a 2 months old now that is NOT circumcised! :thumb And she loves it! She says she loves that fact, that he is "untouched".

Also, my DH is the first man I slept with that is circumcised and I too have to say his penis looks disgusting to me :( That scar is absolutely horrible and very unapealing. :irked: Not even mentioning the color..... :irked:

good luck with your husband! I am so glad I did not have to go through this crap with my DH. I remember when I was PG when somebody asked me for the first time if I was going to circumcise our son and I thought he/she (I don't remember who it was) was absolutely CRAZY! Up to that point I did not even know people do it here so rutinely, coming from Europe. SO with that one question it all started.....

[PancakeGoddess]

Dear Jami, this is so tough. DH and I had to have an ultrasound to determine the sex with number 2 for this very reason - if we were having a boy we'd have to be in counseling. And we were. We went around and around for months, and he finally did come around, but it was very hard. It doesn't seem like a marriage-make-or-break issue, but for us it was. Now, though, we have one circ'd and 2 uncirc'd, and dp is fine, a bit of an activist even (well, just with his brothers).

PM or email me if you want to talk more about it at some point. I do strongly suggest getting serious about working this out with him if you think he's going to hold firm about it.

[sarenka]

As others have said, it's good that you have plenty of time on this one. It might be best to let it die down for a while now though, so it doesn't get too nasty while emotions are running high. Push some information his way in a while.
I'm from England and I also had no idea until joining this board that circumcision was a routine thing or even popular in the US. I must admit I've never seen a circumcised penis - frankly I don't like to imagine it...!
I'm sure it will work out.

[MrsHenderson]

My circ'd DH was on that side of the fence before I showed him some info and made a case for why not to do it. He came around once he realized worldwide it's so no the norm and the trend in the U.S. is towards not doing it. Make your case and hopefully he's mature enough to let go of the idea that because he is, his sons should be. I would hope the problems your 1st son is having would be enough for him to not want to circ a 2nd son. Good luck. (And I never thought about this until I had to decide, but I agree, circ'd penis are scarred and not pretty - I've never actually seen an uncirc'd adult male penis though...)

[MsGrizzle]

I feel for you. I think I'm in the same boat. My ds is circumcized. In all honesty, I reasearched everything soup-to-nuts with having a natural birth, breastfeeding, etc, but circ was just "assumed". Major regret there...

I'm planning a homebirth this time and I've told dh that if it is a boy, he won't be circ'd. His response was, "I hope we're having a girl." He will come around on it but I'm not looking forward to additional discussions.

I'm curious though about the scarring people are mentioning. Neither my dh nor my ds have any visible scarring from their circs.....

[midwestmom]

I completely understand. Our first is circ'ed...I was against and DH was for and I honestly don't think that I pushed hard enough. I told him early on that he could have the final decision and stuck to it. After he was circ'ed, I said we would not circ another. The next child was a girl-non issue. Now, we are not finding out the sex this time, so we have to prepare for either. I have already informed him that we would not circ and he isn't AS against it (not circing) as he was, but won't really discuss it...he says we will decide when the time comes. Right. I don't think so. I will start bugging him again in a little while.

I am glad to hear that there are other mama's who have one circ'ed and one that isn't, as that is the only thing that has bothered me for some reason. I feel like one of them is eventually gonna be pissed at me and I don't know which one it will be. Boys are still regularly circ'ed around here-unfortunately. I don't really care what everyone else is doing, just want to do the right thing for my kids.

Benjalo, have your boys asked about the difference? What do you tell your circ'ed son? You can pm me if you want.

[cjcolorado]

I can commiserate with you and hope that your dh will eventually come around, as mine did, after I "casually" left a bunch of literature (most notably a couple of key issues of Mothering!) lying around on the dining room table.
Here's our story:
Before I got pg, I casually mentioned that if we ever had a boy, I would not want him circumcised at birth. His immediate response was, "I don't agree with that--after all, I'm circed, and he should look like me." (??? How much time do boys really spend comparing penises with their dads ???) "There are so many health benefits to it."
Mind you, my dh's dad is a urologist, so you can see where part of his position comes from. I mentioned that a lot of the benefits are vastly overblown in comparison with the risks, according to what I've read, and I feel that something of that personal a nature should be left to the discretion of the boy when he's of the age to choose. DH rolled over with a "hmmmph" and the issue didn't come up again until after I found out I was pg.
Surprisingly, after having pored through some of my casually-left-out information, he said he'd agree to no newborn circumcision, but let our son (should we have one) choose on his own later--after all, we've got an inside connection, should he decide to choose circumcision!
Since then, we also had an in-depth discussion with dh's dad about the procedure. He noted that the risks of problems (for non-circ) are relatively low, but they depend largely on good cleanliness and sexual habits, which so many men he's seen neglect. Fortunately, I can thank BIL/SIL for paving the way with their son, who they did not circ, as BIL is European and non-circed (and also a MD/PhD).
The funny thing is, after all this debate, my dh said that he's sure it's a non-issue anyway, as he feels he's destined to "be surrounded by women!" :lol

[CalebsMama05]

thx girls I'm not sure I want to watch the video as I remember when my son was brought back to me he was *sleepy* but seemed more like he was in shock. He'd move a little bit and then he would open his eyes wide and whimper and then go really quiet and still. I'm sure it was the pain causing that :(

[CalebsMama05]

I got as far as the vid intro page but the pics almost made me puke. I can't believe I did that to my innocent baby son. no wonder he prefers anyone over me :(

[Still_Snarky]

I got as far as the vid intro page but the pics almost made me puke. I can't believe I did that to my innocent baby son. no wonder he prefers anyone over me :(

As for the preference thing...my daughter has gone through phases (some of them looooong) where she seems to prefer anyone over me. I think this is completely normal. I am sure you are his sun and moon, mama. :hug

[witt]

gosh in New Zealand, it's never even offered to circ your baby, you'd find it difficult to get anyone to do it. They stopped doing it about 15 years ago I think.

[~pi]

It's uncommon in Canada as well. I think you have to pay out of pocket (*very* unusual in our health care system!) to have it done. The hospital info pack I got today from the OB specifically stated that there is no medical reason to circ and therefore if you must have it done, you're going to have to pay for it.

[momsmyjob]

:hug I am thankful that my dh was against it right from the beginning! I don't know what I would have done.

As far as ds no liking you. I don't think that's true. Kids go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other. It's normal!

[KarenEMT]

I'm so thankful that my DH somehow wasn't circed, so he's the one who told me years ago that we would NOT be doing it - thank goodness, because I was very uneducated at that point. I hope your DH comes around on this.

[MrsHenderson]

gosh in New Zealand, it's never even offered to circ your baby, you'd find it difficult to get anyone to do it. They stopped doing it about 15 years ago I think.

Exactly! In the U.S., medicine is a business and doing more tests, exams, lab work, prescriptions, etc. makes them more money - including unecessary circ operations (that will be $350, please!)

Witt - where are you in NZ? My DH and I spent 9 weeks there and fell in love with your country. I'd like to live there some day :)

[CalebsMama05]

Exactly! In the U.S., medicine is a business and doing more tests, exams, lab work, prescriptions, etc. makes them more money - including unecessary circ operations (that will be $350, please!)

Witt - where are you in NZ? My DH and I spent 9 weeks there and fell in love with your country. I'd like to live there some day :)
Caleb's circ costed $500

about him not liking me it must be a phase cuz for the past week he's wanted NO ONE but mama. that's why I haven't been on much. ;) does wonders for my self esteem AND my moods believe it or not!

[PrettyBird]

:hug DH still wants to circ even though I have convinced him we are not. Actually, I would have to sign something at the hospital before they would do it anyway. I think more and more hospitals are coming around in the US. We are going to a Naval hospital and they no longer recommend routine circumcision. I was so surprised to read that during my orientation! I am not sure if they still pay for it but I don't think insurance should.

[CalebsMama05]

i talked with him and he understands that although he DOES want our baby to be circ'd if its a boy we are NOT going to circ him. he's not happy about it but at least I won't be going through a divorce over it.

[ma_Donna]

I'm so sorry that this has to be such a difficult discussion with some of your DH's. I feel lucky that when I brought it up when TTC Noah my DH said he wished he never was. Secretly I think his 'longevity' (too much, instead of not enough) has to do with his circ.

I'm so glad that you have a resolution for now and am glad you brought it up so early in the pregnancy while the concept of the baby is still a little 'unreal' and before knowing if it's a boy or girl.

I feel so bad that you had so many issues with your son's circ. Although, I'm sure his attachment issues are more your mommy guilt than reality :hug

[Kleine Hexe]

When DH tried to argue with me about circ I gave him all the research, yada yada. When he still tried to argue with me and was not really listening to what I had been telling him and he had not bothered to read anything...I put an end to his argument. I simply looked him in the eye and told him if he ever brought it up again I would not put his name on the birth certificate. I would write "unknown" under father's name. I made it clear that I was not joking and obviously had strong feelings on the issue. He never said another word. What I :throb about DH is when his mom (my family does not circ) asked about how the circ went he said,"We decided not to do it."

My DH always comes around with my wonderful persuasion techniques. :wink

[PancakeGoddess]

You gotta love it when they "disagree" based on nothing - they won't read or discuss. Fortunately mine eventually read. I just had to put a stack of printed out stuff in his lap and walk away - if it came from me it was just too hard to hear i guess.

[Miss Juice]

You gotta love it when they "disagree" based on nothing - they won't read or discuss. Fortunately mine eventually read. I just had to put a stack of printed out stuff in his lap and walk away - if it came from me it was just too hard to hear i guess.

That is my DH to a T. That's what I had to do with vax info - plop it on him and leave.

Jami I am so glad that at least you and your DH have come to an understanding. I hope that brings you some peace!

[CalebsMama05]

Secretly I think his 'longevity' (too much, instead of not enough) has to do with his circ.

me too! My husband has had to *train* himself to quickies and sometimes he's so desensitized that we have to actually stop without getting anywhere. the one time i let him go until he *naturally* came to a conclusion I had to take pain relievers afterward (2 hrs)

I feel so bad that you had so many issues with your son's circ. Although, I'm sure his attachment issues are more your mommy guilt than reality :hug

That is possible. He does still prefer daddy I just think that's the way he is but he's not choosing one over the other much anymore...either one works ;)