Qtopia
01-24-2003, 08:07 PM
after 5 mos. of motherhood it seems that my PPDragon has awakened, rearing its ugly, fire-breathing head. i've been running as fast as i can to avoid it, but my eyebrows are singed and the flames are licking at my heels, threatening to engulf me.
i finally admitted to myself that something was wrong when i started fantasizing about how much happier i would be if i left my dh and ds. which is ironic, because i am so totally head over heels in love with both of them. but i suppose that oxy morons are part and parcel of PPD.
i've been having major anxiety 'spells' (not attacks) since ds was born. nervous, sweating, hot flashes when i'm driving, in the grocery store, at the coffee shop. been avoiding people because i get so nervous and anxious around them. i get this sinking feeling frequently, like my insides are literally sinking into the ground.
there are days when i feel like i have a horror movie going on in my head, always imaging the 'worst case scenario'. what if i fall down the stairs while holding ds? what if i get into a car wreck? what if someone breaks into the house and rapes and murders us? what if dh gets cancer? what if the house burns down? what if what if what if....
i'm definitely not dealing well with the loss of control. i didn't realize how much i liked being in my own protective shell, not having to answer to anyone, totally unattached, aloof if i needed to be. very self-centered. but of course, as an AP mom i've willingly surrended much of myself to meet my ds's needs. and that adjustment has been hard most days, impossible some days. but i'm doing it, will continue to do it, because i believe that it's best for ds.
because it isn't about the bf'ing, or the co-sleeping, or the babywearing, although for someone who likes her 'shell' it is difficult to have someone attached to you. it's about how i FEEL having to share myself with ds. if i stopped bf'ing, co-sleeping, babywearing, i would still be depressed because i would still be a mother and forever attached to my son, regardless of whether i was attached physically or not. so how can i, the Queen of Building Walls Around Myself, feel safe in this new identity that requires me to be forever linked emotionally and viscerally to another human being?
i talked to a friend from college the other night and she suggested that what i needed was to hire a babysitter and go shopping. if only it were that easy...
i've called a therapist and will probably see her in a week or two. although i must say that writing this has been incredibly cathartic.
hugs to you all suffering with this. now i know.
QM
i finally admitted to myself that something was wrong when i started fantasizing about how much happier i would be if i left my dh and ds. which is ironic, because i am so totally head over heels in love with both of them. but i suppose that oxy morons are part and parcel of PPD.
i've been having major anxiety 'spells' (not attacks) since ds was born. nervous, sweating, hot flashes when i'm driving, in the grocery store, at the coffee shop. been avoiding people because i get so nervous and anxious around them. i get this sinking feeling frequently, like my insides are literally sinking into the ground.
there are days when i feel like i have a horror movie going on in my head, always imaging the 'worst case scenario'. what if i fall down the stairs while holding ds? what if i get into a car wreck? what if someone breaks into the house and rapes and murders us? what if dh gets cancer? what if the house burns down? what if what if what if....
i'm definitely not dealing well with the loss of control. i didn't realize how much i liked being in my own protective shell, not having to answer to anyone, totally unattached, aloof if i needed to be. very self-centered. but of course, as an AP mom i've willingly surrended much of myself to meet my ds's needs. and that adjustment has been hard most days, impossible some days. but i'm doing it, will continue to do it, because i believe that it's best for ds.
because it isn't about the bf'ing, or the co-sleeping, or the babywearing, although for someone who likes her 'shell' it is difficult to have someone attached to you. it's about how i FEEL having to share myself with ds. if i stopped bf'ing, co-sleeping, babywearing, i would still be depressed because i would still be a mother and forever attached to my son, regardless of whether i was attached physically or not. so how can i, the Queen of Building Walls Around Myself, feel safe in this new identity that requires me to be forever linked emotionally and viscerally to another human being?
i talked to a friend from college the other night and she suggested that what i needed was to hire a babysitter and go shopping. if only it were that easy...
i've called a therapist and will probably see her in a week or two. although i must say that writing this has been incredibly cathartic.
hugs to you all suffering with this. now i know.
QM