grrrr... should i just let it go?

[MissSavannahsMommy]

*sigh* 2 threads in a week... i'm on a roll considering i only lurk here!

I talked to my ex last night about going to see a mediator to bring up some issues that i'm having with our custody agreement. Of course as expected he just blew up at me. That part really doesn't bother me. Apparently my sole purpose in life is to wake up and find out how to make his life even worse. :hammer

Anyways, he's assuming that i want to go back to court for 'more money for myself' and to move and take my daughter with me and start another family. Which he's kinda hitting the nail on the head, but his wording and reasoning was beyond off.

So flash forward to tonight, i went to pick up DD from my exs house and usually she'll jump in the car and say "i had a great time at daddys house, i got to...." and tells me everything. So we get into the car today and she goes "daddy said mommy is leaving me" :dropjaw

I text messaged him and said we needed to talk and i asked him if he mentioned me moving with her and of course he said no (dduuhh.... like he'd actually admit he'd say something like that. I'm still kicking myself over actually calling him and asking him that.) and he blew up again saying that he doesn't give a crap if i move, and he knew i'd do it along time ago and he didn't mention it to DD but if that's what i wanted to believe he doesn't care and won't lose any sleep over it.

I know i shouldn't have called him and i reassured my dd that mommy was not going to leave her ever, but what else can i do? I feel so bad and she was so upset by this. How the heck do you handle the comments that your ex says to your kids? I just feel so bad she's thrown smack dab in the middle of this and he'd stoop to that level just because i mentioned the previous night about modifying our agreement. I know she's young, but as far as accuracy and retelling me her day like she does EVERY day when were in the car, she's usually dead on. I just feel so helpless and i have a feeling it's going to get so much worse before it gets better :guilty

[ombra*luna]

If he is saying things like that to her, that's emotional abuse (of her and you). Please write it all down, with dates, times, details, whenever you can.

[BelovedK]

If he is saying things like that to her, that's emotional abuse (of her and you). Please write it all down, with dates, times, details, whenever you can.


That would make a big difference. He is just using her to get at you :angry That is so mean and not fair. Of course he will lie about it. I agree that you should document, don't tell him you're doing it, just do it (otherwise he could threaten her with some bad thing if she tells you what he says :angry :angry :angry )

:hug To you and your DD

[Raynbow]

I would also be very careful - to me it sounds like he is planning to try and get primary custody of her based on you moving.

[scab]

Be careful... it sounds to me like he's planning on trying to "win her over" in order to make you out as a bad guy... My ex does the same thing. He tells the children (ages 3, 6, and 13) that they have to choose whom they live with even though the court ordered that they live with me...

I also agree you should document.


I struggle constantly with what I should do. I hear all the time of children who go through so much worse and their moms say "they're going to know their father sooner or later" type of things. I'm worried that they will be damaged by the emotional abuse, though... :angry :irked:

[MissLotus]

That's awful. And it IS abuse! My ex has said, not that exactly, but other things to our young son, and when I consulted with my lawyer she said firmly, "He is abusing your son." Only confirming what I already knew! People who love their children want the best for them - they do not try to hurt/worry them even with words, and they do not use the children to get to their ex. Do document this and definitely bring it up when you go to mediation!

Your ex may be worried or not like the situation, but that is NO excuse for him to drag your little girl into it. If he's going to show that lack of love, you are better off moving away.

RL

[MissSavannahsMommy]

I would also be very careful - to me it sounds like he is planning to try and get primary custody of her based on you moving.

The thought of him getting custody is my absolute worst nightmare. But rationally speaking, he doesn't have a chance in heck. I have no intention of removing our daughter from our state, i'd just like to relocate father south than where we are now. (we have no mile radius limit in our custody decree and its stated that as long as i don't move out of state, i don't have to seek the courts approval) I'm going to get into some massive boring details about everything but it'll be explanitory why he's just not a great candidate for permanent residential custody. My ex is assigned MWFSat from 6-10pm. He doesn't see her on Mondays whatsoever now b/c he had to take a class (were both in school) with his girlfriend and best friend so he just said he can't take her anymore. He'd much rather take a class with his friends than see his child.

I've allowed his mother (he lives with his parents) to take dd on Thursday nights, never once did he spend a thursday night with her. He claims he wants overnights so he can 'tuck her in' and whatnot. That's all well and good but he had the opportunity to do so and never ever actually tucked her in. I've mentioned pleanty of times that he's welcome to come to my house and give her a bath, read her some books, and tuck her in and i'd stay completly out of his way but he'd never do that. I understand the awkwardness, but i just wasnt' ready for him to have her overnights and the 'tucking in' thing seemed like the only thing he wanted to do. But, getting back to Thursdays he'd bowl with his friends and then me and him would go out later that night and he wouldnt' get home until around 1-3am. Trust me, i'm not saying that he's never allowed to have any fun. But i know bowling starts at 7 and he came straight to my house after bowling, there is no way he'd ever have the chance to tuck her in. I know i sound like the fun police, but i get so tired of watching him have all the fun and get proclaimed as the best father of the year just because he spends 4 hours a day, 3 days a week with his child and 'puts up with me' because you know i'm just so terrible. Sadly, he's never even alone with her. I've made a mental note when i either pick up OR drop off, his g/f and best friend have been over there every W,F & S during his visitation time except once. I'm not saying our DD should never be around his friends, but EVERY day? I just feel it's impossible to 'bond' with her when our DD has to share and compete for daddys time. It's really sad when my daughter comes home with a sucker every night b/c 'auntie' (what my ex makes my daughter call his g/f) gave her a sucker. She bribes my child with candy!!! :cuss

I've mentioned before that he's more than willing to take our DD more on his 'off' season days because during the time when he works, it's almost impossible for him to see her. He's off Jan-Mar but after march he goes to work 8-4 and then from 6-10 he's in class. He says that I never accomidate his needs and when i finally mention that he's more than willing to take her, some excuse always comes up. It's like no matter what i do, i'll always be the mean ex.

The kicker was that he picked up our DD from daycare b/c i was running late and said he'd just keep her his normal visitation time and i wrote him an email telling him thanks and that i appriciate it. He responds with "believe it or not, i do try to help you out". He has the nerve to tell me he helps me out after making our daughter cry b/c she thinks mommy is going away, screaming at me b/c *I* just want more money for *myself* and that's why i want to go to mediation, and yelling at me b/c i confronted him about what was making our DD upset! *sigh* yeah that's the epitome of helping me out.

*sigh* thank you for letting me vent, i'm just super confident that even if he requests permanent custody, they'll laugh at him. He can't even handle the court assigned visitation that he has now! It feels so good to get this out. I'm just so sick and tired of this. This is why i didn't want to request mediation. It's just going to get so much worse.

[MissLotus]

He sounds like a nut. Maybe I read wrong or something, but he (theoretically) sees her 3 nights a week....from 6-10pm?? That sounds very late. I don't see how that would work when she's older (going to school) anyway...

RL

[MissSavannahsMommy]

He sounds like a nut. Maybe I read wrong or something, but he (theoretically) sees her 3 nights a week....from 6-10pm?? That sounds very late. I don't see how that would work when she's older (going to school) anyway...

RL

Now now, that would be awful negative :wink but yes you're correct, it is awfully late and it's insane, but he says that he needs to see her at least once every 3 days and every other weekend wouldn't work b/c it's against his rights and yadda yadda yadda. I actually have to rearrange some visitation hour wise incase i need to send my DD to school so i can get some work done. She's in daycare and thankfully she's only there M and T and he doesn't see her Sunday or Monday nights so she goes to bed early for me. I can't imagine making her go to bed at 10pm and get her up and out the door by 7 for my 8:00 class in the morning.

Trust me, driving one way to and fro his house all this time is just taking a toll on me. Everytime i pull into his driveway and see his little 'team' of parents there it just makes my stomach churn. I"m losing more and more respect for him every day *sigh* even when we weren't together before it was never ever like this. He's changed so much, but he'd never leave because he'd be showing his true colors to everyone. :angry