I feel soo sad

[Sadiebug]

I'm in a very teribble position feel so lost. My husband and I are divorcing and it will be final next Friday at 9:30am. We've been in the divorce process for three months now because of Washington law has a 'cool off' periode of 90 days and then a divorce may be finalized. He has recieved full-time custody of our two girls because he is going to get out of the military and there is only sole custody in Washington(very stupid if you ask me). Our home state is Texas and since we are not residences of Washington we have to file in Texas also which we will change it to joint, so thats not really the problem. The problem is he wants absolutly nothing to do with this baby. He says its partly because its another girl and it might be different if it was a boy and he feels that since we are not together he feels that he doesn't need to be a dad to her. I have been a SAHM for 4 years and haven't worked. I now have to drive from Washington to Texas by myself (no kids), find a job at 7 months pregnant, find somewhere to live( I will stay with my mom for a bit, but she has finacial issues and I don't want to be a burden), take time off my new job to have a baby, and then have to put the baby in daycare asap so I can make a living for us. I have no one to share this experiance with. I try to get him to feel the baby move so maybe it will spark something, but he doesn't want to. I feel so bad because sometimes I wish God would let 'something happen' (PTL,health issues) so I don't have to worry about messing up this kid because of her parents. I then feel even worse for feeling or thinking that something will happen to this baby, because I already love her. I would NEVER do anything to hurt her, abortion no way, adoption I just couldn't handle. I feel lost and sad. I just have no idea what I'm going to do. I was so happy about this baby and now I just wish I wasn't pregnant anymore. I want her to have the best mom just like I think my girls have gotten over the years and I just don't know if I will have time to do that. I just feel so bad!

[Sydnee]

Oh sweetie, I wish I knew some magical, wonderful thing to say to help you feel better, but I don't. I will put you on my prayer list, and pray everyday for you and your babies. The one thing I will say, being a child of divorced parents, is I respect my mom and dad soooo very much for not stying in a relationship that was not healthy just for my brother and I. I really felt even more loved knowing that they wanted a better life for us, and that life was not with each other. I can imagine what your stress level is right now, but like I always say, everything works out the way it is supposed to. I am very deep in my faith, and I know that is the single most important thing that has gotten me trhough some pretty bad situations.

Just know that we are here for you, and support you 150%!!! God Bless you!!! :heartbeat

[mirlee]

:hug I am so sorry! I have no advice, but couldn't not give you a :hug after reading your post. Your little bean is lucky to have you as a mom.

[mama_b]

I am so sorry. :hug You will be in my prayers.

[NYCVeg]

I just wanted to offer my support as well. :hug

Given that your life is in a period of flux and emotional upheaval, the doubts you're feeling seem perfectly normal/reasonable to me. But I believe that when you hold this little girl in your arms, you will be so, so happy to have her.

[Darcy37]

Just remember our children love us unconditionally and their love is forever.I was married to a man for 10 yrs that was cruel and divorced for 3 years single parent of two and now remarried and we are having our second child together and he is an awesome husband and Dad so my life is better than it was when married to my ex so it might seem horrible now but down the road wonderful things might be waiting for you.((((HUGS))))

[alexisyael]

:hug :hug :hug

[busybusymomma]

:Hug :hug

[scatterbrainedmom]

where in texas? I live in Pearland (close to Houston).

[Sadiebug]

sdurdin- I'm going to Lubbock which is two hours from Amarillo.
Thanks all for the support. I know I love this baby, I just fel selfish for being pregnant now since I actually have NOTHING to offer as in money, a house, quality time one on one. I KNow some of those things aren't as important as a mother's love, but I feel she's getting the short end of the stick compared to my daughters who have only been with me and never in daycare. I want to breastfeed for atleast a year and give her the best. Its weird because I will be a parent with a parent and also a single mother from the same man. Its just upsetting and weird and not fair for her. There's nothing to change his mind he says, but I told him once he sees her he'll chang ehis mind and then he said he doesn't want to be there for the birth or visit the hospital after she's born or anything. He says he doesn't want to have his name on the birth certificate either. Its just a lot added to the emotions of pregnancy. But thank you all so much again for the support. I guess I'll figure out something.

[scatterbrainedmom]

:hug mama
I wish I was closer so I could help you out.

[alliei]

I'm so so sorry....

One thing I can think of is that you probably qualify for TANF, (temporary aid for needy families, subsidized daycare, health insurance for the baby and perhaps yourself, etc. I live in CA so don't know the procedures where you are. Second, in many states putting the father's name on the birth certificate creates a legal relationship. You have seen a lawyer, I'm assuming, so I would run not putting a name on the birth certificate by him (I'm a law student concentrating on tax, not family law, so I am out of my depth here). And finally, maybe now would be the perfect time to go back to school for a graduate degree or some sort of training. You can qualify for loans and scholarships, and most schools have excellent daycare.

I'm so sorry you are in this position - it really sucks. I think having doubts is normal about pregnancy anyway, especially when things aren't going well.

Allie

[Sadiebug]

Allie- I'm going to try and get Medicaid and TANF when I get back to Texas. I haven't seen a lawyer because we are doing the divorce with me repersenting myself since its a non-contested divorce. I am already a full-time student getting my Bachelor's in Health Administration, but its online not a campus school. Thanks for the advice.

[HollysMom]

:hug :hug I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time.

[busybusymomma]

Wow, so would not putting his name on the birth certificate absolve him of paying child support, having contact or anything at all?

[Unreal]

:Hug

Have you pondered continuing school then?

I was single when I got pg with ds1..
I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life.
I know what you mean about not knowing about the future....
and being so worried about being alone and being a parent

I seriously cried myself to sleep everynight--almost always about how on earth was this all going to work out

I moved 1/2 way across the country to where my parents were when I was about 22 weeks along and stayed with them. I did qualify for food stamps and WIC--so I did my best to help them out and not be a burden. That might be an option for you too.

But going to school was the best decision I could have possibly made. I took a few classes while pregnant...and while I took time off after ds was born, I could have gone back earlier if I had to....
being on campus meant real financial aid, which is what we lived on until I married dh when ds was 6yo.
It also meant meeting people--some of my best friends ever.

And...if you wanted, you would qualify for family housing on campus. I found it to be cheaper to live off campus, but having the rent and everything come right out of financial aid sure would have been nice at times.

I would definitely look into transferring to a campus
and actually right now is the time to do it--almost all of the schools are still accepting applications for the Fall semester--I think the most typical deadline is Feb 15th.
Do you think you could do some temp office work till May and then make it through until Aug/Sept? Maybe temp when you can after May and what-not...until Aug/Sept. But at least you would know it wasn't going to last forever...

And....if you are going to do on-campus or near-campus housing, you can really look anywhere in the state......
I found that to be the most freeing thing in the world--being able to choose where I wanted to live (as long as I still had in-state tuition :lol)

Oh-and don't let the schools saying they base everything on last year's income scare you.
They "Base" it on that--but you can ALWAYS request a form to fill out explaining a change in circumstances and what your current financial status is.
They will NOT make you pay what you would have if you were still with DH.

I've gone through this all lots of times. I'd be glad to talk about it more, if you wanted.

Just a school schedule is so much easier with a little one--I kept all my classes and work (I was in class f/t and worked p/t on campus) between the hours of 10 and 4, so I would still have long mornings and evenings with ds.

:Hug
:Hug
:Hug

It will all work out. It always does.
Not how we plan it
or expect it

But it does work out.
:Hug

[merrick]

:Hug

[mel~3jumpin beans]

Sadiebug,
Im confused..why did he get sole custody??? where will your girls be??? :confused: :confused:

[Sadiebug]

Unreal- I didn't think about transfering. I'm getting finacial aid through online also. I was looking into temp work and saving as much as I could if I couldn't get a perment job. My only issue is that my mom who loves me lots already has my three other siblings living with her. I feel bad for moving in. I know I qualify for WIC, but if I do for TANF or Food Stamps I will help in that area too. Thanks for the advice:)

Mel~ Washington law only has sole custodian with visiting custodian. The reason he has sole is so he can get out of the military and move back to Texas where I am so we can both be full time parents for our girls. They are still with me and I will be lieaving at the beginning of Febuary and then he will travel with our kids two weeks later after he clears. He has a job waiting civilian side and is buying ahouse so our girls will stay with him and see me all the time. After we are both in Texas we are filing for joint custody and then split time up as evenly as possible. It was a very hard desicion for me to make, but it says in the paperwork that sole custody is only TEMPERary so my husband can't keep it forever, which is nice. We have a friendly relationship and trust one another. Divorce is just never easy no matter what the terms are.

[tomtemama]

:hug :Hug :hug :Hug

[Marylizah]

What a horrible situation! My heart goes out to you and your daughters. Big hugs, mama, you sure deserve them!

I'd just like to add the following to what the women above have said: no matter whether your ex WANTS to be a father or not to this precious little girl, he IS the father. And his name absolutely should be on her birth certificate. He helped make her, he needs to take responsability for that.

I'd guess (and hope and pray) that with time his attitude will soften towards this little girl and he'll come to welcome her into his life. But in case that does not happen, you DO need to protect yourself and her. It would not be fair to either of you to leave his name off the birth certificate.

I understand that you have not sought legal counsel, and I'm sure the fees are scary, but I very strongly recommend that you try to get some legal advice concerning this matter, preferably in Texas where the baby will be born. Please check and see if there are legal aid societies that can give you pro bono advice at one of the law schools. (If not in Lubbock, in Austin.) If not, you should still "invest" in an hour of consultation with a family law lawyer. I would double-check the custody thing-- you don't want to take any chances with that!! Divorce is hard, and while I think it's great that you are trying to develop a trusting relationship with your soon-to-be ex, that doesn't mean you shouldn't cover your back and look out for yourself.

:Hug :Hug :Hug :Hug :Hug :Hug

Best of luck on whatever you decide to do!!!

[luckylady]

no words. Just:hug

I hope things get better right away!

[eorr]

:hug :hug :Hug :Hug
I can't imagine. Take good care and know that many are thinking of you and sending their best.

[mamacatsbaby]

Big hugs mama :hug , I'm sorry that you have to deal with this stress at an already emotional time in your life. I think the PPs have given you some great advice. We're here anytime you need to vent. Much love Sadiebug. :hug