Kind of pregnant - hooray

[skye's mama]

Kind of, because I am not taking a test and feel it is just a little too early to proclaim it to the world. But the new one(s) would be due mid-September (she proclaims).

My first post, which I deleted, was also about being kind of terrified. But after writing it I just felt really excited again, so thought I would stick with that - being excited.

I have two almost 2.5 yo nurslings. So far they are still going strong. Not sure how to juggle 3(+? never will rule out the possibility of twins again...) nurslings in the future, but I think it is too early to worry about that for now. For now, I just need to survive the first trimester.

So far the morning sickness, which during the last pregnancy was just being nauseous all day but not throwing up at all (but then again, I can't remember the last time I threw up - wait a minute, yes I can, it was in 1988 - possibly rocky mountain spotted fever though I lived at that time on the east coast - real convincing lack of diagnosis on that one - don't worry I rarely have time to post - monologues like this should be rare), has not been too bad. It is still all day. But also, I now know to eat often, and a lot. And a lot of protein in particular.

I still still dislike the prenatals...I am taking a SuperNutrition one my husband got for me at whole foods. Maybe I should have just looked for a folic acid supplement, since that is really the reason I am taking them in the first place. Last time I stopped taking them after the first trimester.

I am not sure what kind of birth I want this time. Last pregnancy, I was planning a homebirth (my mom had all four of her children at home, with only my dad in attendance it turns out, though for the first two her OB was none other than Dr. Gregory White - he just didn't get there in time - so it has always seemed normal and preferred to me) and had care with a midwife, from about 18 weeks, to 34 weeks, when she finally admitted the possiblity of twins (and I am so grateful she held out - the pregnancy up the that point was wonderfully non-stressful). I ended up giving birth in a hospital - attending homebirth of twins is not illegal here, but definitely extremely strongly discouraged. Maybe for good reason. I am still not sure about how I feel about twin risk. I think it is greater than for a singleton. But then again, Ina May and her group have delivered 15 sets on the Farm. I guess they have a better set up than the average homebirth though.

So this time around, I am thinking about going with a midwife again. Maybe the same one, except she used a doptone and at this point I want to avoid even that.

Anyway, things are so different this time. I was in such great health with my first pregnancy. I think I have aged 10 years in the last 2.5, and don't have any of the reserves I had before. I still feel pretty healthy, but it is just really hard to fit in the exercise, etc. now.

Hmmm. Seems I have run out of stuff to say for now. But I at least hope I stick around for 9 months.

[chalynm]

Congrats and welcome!

If you really want one, don't give up the idea of homebirth, even if it turns out you're having twins again. A good friend of my doula's had twins UC, and one was a double footling breech!

[mom2mimi]

Congrats and welcome! I know what you mean about going back and forth between excited and terrified! I hope you get the birth you want.

[AutumnMama]

Congratulations and welcome!
I love your post, it reminds me of myself sometimes :lol
I know what you mean about not having the time, though having twins must be a bit more challenging!

...I had a dream last night that I was having twins (a boy and a girl), but I think that it was mostly because I know a girl who just found out she's having a set....that, and I really just want to do one at a time! :lol

Anyway, I hope everything works the way you want it to in regards to the birth.
I had DD in the hospital (reg OB care), and then had a midwife attended homebirth and it was great!

I think I'm gonna skip the U/S and doppler this time as well (did both for both pregnancies).

Apparently your long post inspire me :bag: heh :blush .

[skye's mama]

Congrats and welcome!

If you really want one, don't give up the idea of homebirth, even if it turns out you're having twins again. A good friend of my doula's had twins UC, and one was a double footling breech!

I just wish that it didn't come down to either UC or hospital choice. Honestly, I just don't think I could do a UC right now. I am just too scared that something simple could turn tragic because of my own lack of knowledge. I guess most of the stuff that comes to mind is not that frequent, but even if I started hemorrhaging I just don't want to have to deal with that on my own.

It is wonderful that your friend was successful. It's always neat to read those birth stories.

Anyway, for now I assume I will be able to have a midwife attended homebirth. I don't feel anywhere as tired and sick as last time. If it is twins, I will probably be in the hospital, maybe a different one, but at least a lot better prepared for what that will really be like.

[skye's mama]

Congrats and welcome! I know what you mean about going back and forth between excited and terrified! I hope you get the birth you want.

Thanks! I guess this time I am taking more of a "good enough birth" approach. There are just so many things beyond my control. But yes, I am still hoping for a calm and peaceful homebirth. Though in the current mist of 24-hour nausea, anything birth related is just kind of hard for me to visualize.

[skye's mama]

Apparently your long post inspire me :bag: heh :blush .

Oh that's ok, I am not afraid of long posts :) .

Interesting you had a twin dream. I don't really remember if I had any twin dreams last time. But I did feel pretty big and so my husband and I were referring to my belly as the twins until our first midwife appt. where she convinced us we had just one.

I would really prefer to do one at a time too. But since my first were twins, it is really hard to envision having just one. But then I can't imagine caring for newborn twins and older twins. And I can't imagine repeating the first year in particular. If I spend any time thinking about it the debate just rages back and forth in my head, and in the end I think I am glad that it is not my decision. I think. Anyway, my husband thinks I have just one this time and that really does put my mind at ease.

[skye's mama]

All the lush green grass and mud and rich fecund earth that means winter around here just makes me want to throw up. I am not sure why, but even the bright blue sky sickens me. I want to crawl in a hole and hibernate for a few months. Funny, cause first pregnancy all the neutral colors in my home were making me nauseous, and I had to fight the urge to paint bright green and blue landscapes on the walls. The irony that in the midst of reproducing I am sickened by the reproducing of everything else is not totally lost on me.

My sole theory is that it is a form of homesickness. Last time I had a very strong urge to return to where I was born to give birth. Just like a spawning salmon I guess. So maybe it is just that this weather is so incongruous with what is going on in my hometown this time of year. The cold grey skies and white frozen landscape would suit me fine right now.

Ah - bright moment. Yesterday, we got the girls their very own beds! Ta da! After we put them together, one on each side of our big bed, Skye was jumping up and down on hers saying something that sounded like "circus" and finally we figured out she was saying "I'm excited". I don't expect them to be actually sleeping on them for a bit, but at least maybe by the time having them sleep on my face and stomach all night is too uncomfortable (well it already is now, at least the face part), they will actually be ready to spend some of the night in their own beds.

The sleeping is not being helped by the fact that we are all sick again. The girls actually seem to have been sick pretty much since before Thanksgiving. It got down to coughing at night, but now they have the runny noses again. We are still nursing - so much for that helping. I guess it would be worse if we weren't.

I stopped the prenatal vitamin and got a folic acid supplement instead. I am probably extremely ignorant on the matter, but from what I remember that was the main common deficiency that could cause major problems (spinal bifida). But from what I remember it is also probably too late by now anyway. Why didn't I start taking the folic acid months ago when we half-heartedly started ttc'ing? I am kicking myself now. I guess I must just not have really believed that I would get pregnant again.

There are just so many things I never get around to now. Sometimes I think I am just an extremely incompetent parent in that respect. Yes, the kids are happy for the most part, but everything else falls by the wayside. And then I decided that more kids would be a good idea? I can follow through all my logical arguments and see that yes it is a brilliant idea, that the timing is now or never. But then I cannot comprehend how I will even get through the day. Somehow I am going to have to magically become more effective.

Well, my mom at least claims that she couldn't get anything done until she had her third child, which was me coincidentally. It is at least a thread to grasp on to.

I've opened up Spiritual Midwifery again, but just haven't had the energy to dive in. I was however reading a bit of the Lincoln biography by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Turns out it has a lot of women dying from complications of childbirth in it. It doesn't really scare me - that was a different time. But it also never explains exactly what those complications were. It just ends up seeming so mysterious.

I have had a boy name picked out for years. Just like I had a girl name picked out for years. The grand plan was girl, boy, and then maybe another girl. Anyway, I now have at least a bit of experience with how names can kind of work or not once the child is born and you actually start using it everyday to refer to this new being. And I am just not settled on the boy name anymore. I can't think something I prefer. And it would feel weird after so many years to give it up. Oh well, lots of time to work on that. I think just figuring out the scandinavian pronounciation would help. Don't have a girl name chosen yet.

I finally caved and had by husband pick up saltines and Carnation instant breakfast. Caved, because it just seems so non-nutritious. But it is keeping me going for a couple more days. I drank both the instant breakfast drink and the bars in junior highschool. And then for the most part promptly forgot about them. But when I am pregnant, I crave stuff I haven't had for 25 years. Unfortunately they don't make the breakfast bars anymore.

I think I would be in heaven if I could have poached salmon for lunch everyday. But I don't want to have to cook it. I am certain that if I cook it I will find it extremely disgusting. Besides which I have never poached salmon before. I want someone to cook me a warm delicious meal for lunch everyday, to magically know exactly what will appeal to my fickle appetitite. Is that really asking for too much? I would be glad to fend for myself for breakfast and dinner (instant breakfast drink and saltines - done), if only I could get a good lunch lovingly made everyday just for me. Part of pregnancy really seems to be a return to a state of childhood needs. I guess that is where the whole mothering the mother concept comes from.

[skye's mama]

Have the whole day to myself today. My husband usually takes the girls for a day out on Wednesdays and Saturdays. But the last few times it has been a hassle trying to get them to go at all. This morning it all magically came together, and they were all cheerfully out the door by 8 a.m. to have a fun filled day on the coast.

I got out for a walk. The first exercise in weeks. Wore sunglasses, which I rarely do, and a big sunhat, to try to alleviate the sunlight-induced nausea. Called my husband, who directed me to the location of the radio headphones to complete the ensemble. He and the girls were at the tiny park near our friends' house, and coincidentally another set of twins had just showed up.

Once I got out to the boardwalk, I was in heaven and felt like just sitting there, listening to the trickling estuary, which sounds just like a babbling brook, forever. Maybe I need to get one of those mini-water fountains for the house.

"Twice a day ocean water comes in through the Golden Gate. The rising water floods the marsh. When it goes back out you can see and smell the mud flats."

I found the writing on the plaquard at the end particularly calming, and was grateful that the tide was in and that I indeed could not smell the mud flats. The air smelled fresh, a pleasant coolness, though the day was hazy. I watched the pleasantly speckled brown tiny birds flitting about the pleasantly speckled brown pickleweed.

My husband called to say that it turns out there was a whole twin gathering at the park. There were about seven sets of twins and a set a triplets. This is the first twin gathering my girls have been too, and coincidental at that. I talked to another mom on the phone who also had a natural twin birth at a hospital. She repeated a couple of times that it was quite an achievement, but the connection was not very good, so we said goodbye.

Walked back home finally, with thoughts of all that I shall accomplish. Where is Mary Poppins when you need her, to march all the toys into their appropriate cupboards? Basically I have achieved zippo. You know the list? Nadda, nothing, zilch...Yep, I think I have crossed each and everyone of them off the list.

So, it is 3pm. and have probably another three hours. I should take a nap. Expecially since I am always bitching about how tired I am. There are also now the few remaining items on the list: dishes, laundry, decluttering, filing, income taxes, permanently removing more toys (i.e. throwing away), vacuuming, fix the bathtub drain leak, make those sandpaper letters, photograph my aunt's jewelry, design and implement the front yard permaculture landscape, install the grey water system, call the potential midwife again, call the pediatrician about this darn cough that will not go away and again kept us up all night, upload recent photos onto the computer and then neglect to email any to relatives and friends, scoop out the cat litter box, take a leisurely evening walk followed by a frangrant candlelit bath that hopefully with transfer a glowing fragrancy to what I can only assume by then will be my somewhat gritty and tired body. Afterall that will have been a rather busy afternoon, and I am already starting out gritty and tired.

Ah, I hear ____-Lehrer newshour on the radio. Time for a nap. Nothing more soothing than listening to the dulcet tones of .....zzzzzzzz

[skye's mama]

February 1st - my eighth week of pregnancy. Sometimes it feels so surreal. Keep asking myself if it is for real. And the morning sickness and sore nipples kind of convince me. But life is so distracting with my girls, I just really feel like the whole pregnancy is in the background, somehow separate from the symptoms that now overwhelm my days.

I am quickly losing my patience for nursing. Yesterday, I only let the girls nurse in the morning, before their nap, and at bedtime. They both got upset different times, maybe for about 5-10 minutes, but then finally found something else to eat or do and somehow we made it through the day. The nursing to sleep at bedtime is ok. And the occasional nursing during the night is fine, as long as it is just one of them. But then in the morning, when it gets to the point where they both start the morning nurse-a-thon, I just can't take it anymore. More crying. Luckily this morning, Skye was mostly sleeping, so I let Zoe nurse a bit. But then finally I cut her off. It seems so cruel and at the same time I just can't tolerate it anymore. I comfort her the best I can. Finally she got up and ate some cereal; after first trying to convince dh to make her whole wheat shells and cheddar at 5:15 a.m.

Monday was nice because we had our friend K. over to help out. Something new for us, but we are hoping maybe down the road K. can be at the birth too to help keep the girls occupied if things go slowly.

It is getting harder to find appetizing food. Went to the grocery store on Sunday evening to pick up a couple things I thought might taste good. But we had a horrible time at the store, mostly because dh and I do things differently with the girls, and then when we all go out together things are not consistent and they sometimes end up upset. Anyway, once we got home, the thought of eating any of the food just made me nauseous, I guess because of the association of Skye being upset the whole time we were in the store. And the fact that if I had just done a couple of things to help her out she would have been fine. And I didn't. Like my judgment was just totally off.

Then Monday night, I tried to poach some salmon, but started too late, and it was bedtime and the girls falling apart before I had time to try it. And predictably, now since I tried making it myself, the thought of salmon is also nauseating.

I did momentarily identify a possible craving for baklava. I ate sliced almonds with maple syrup on them and it seemed a pretty good approximation. It has been weird to have such strong sugar aversions, so it felt nice to actually be enjoying the syrup. Breakfast was tuna salad on lettuce with a citrus-y champagne vinegar. The last few days I have been having fried eggs on toast with some cheese melted on top. But in general, it is just really hard to come up with stuff to eat the rest of the day.

Had my first dream about the baby a couple of nights ago. I was feeling him through my belly. I could feel everything, as if he was just wrapped in a thin blanket. At first his head was really big. Then as I became worried it changed so that his head seemed like a normal size. Then I felt his arms and legs...and yep, could also feel that he was a boy. And then I tried to feel around for a twin. I was pretty sure there was not another baby, but there was something lumpy in my pelvis, but I assumed that must just be my pelvis or some organ.

DH is convinced that I will have only girls, and is I think at peace with the idea. But we both think it would be really cool to have a boy. Only time will tell. Still working on possible names. Well, this time I won't be too worried about having a name finalized beforehand.

Still having intense homesickness, wanting to be able to go outside and walk through the snowy woods, hear the snow crunch with my footsteps, breathe in the frosty air, feel cozy in layers of warm clothes. Should have gone for a walk again today but just couldn't make myself head out into the neighborhood, which can be kind of depressing. Even the house is kind of depressing...I am just so much more sensitive to sensory input right now. Everything is worse than normal, not just smells. Sights and sounds are just so much more intense. The one relaxing place to sit is facing our Christmas tree. I know the rational thing to do would be to take it down, but the lit-up tree is right now the only thing I find pleasant to look at.

Last week called my midwife from my previous pregnancy, and she is available. She agreed to use a fetoscope instead of the doppler, which was my main concern. She said she won't be able to hear the heartbeat until 20 weeks or so, but I am fine with that. She also said she hasn't had any more twin clients since me...which surprises me because twins seem so common here. Maybe people usually get an ultrasound before choosing a midwife? Anyway, I am excited to have her to talk with again. She said to call her around 10-12 weeks to set up the first appt.

I have started to tell the girls about the baby. I was kind of waiting, seeing when they would catch on. But then I am tired so much, and the nursing is changing, that I thought maybe it would be better to start explaining to them what is going on. On the one hand, I don't want them to associate the less than ideal nursing with their new sibling; but then on the other hand, it is related to that, and it seems pointless to pretend otherwise.