Hard time writing birth story/digesting fast birth

[MamaTaraX]

A few months ago I posted here asking people if they felt cheated by having a really fast birth. My actual question was "do you feel gypped". Unfortunately, I didn't get many replies because some people focused on the use of the word "gyp" instead of answering the questin. The few people who did answer said they were pretty okay with it.... I'm three days out from a fast birth and it's just a giant blur! I"ve sat down to write his birth story several times and it just frustrates me. It went so quickly. It was so intense and fast and everythin blurs together. The sights I remember seeing, sounds I remember hearing, thoughts I remember thinking -- all of it is a jumble. I can recall teeny details about my first son's birth 7.5 years ago. This one was less than 72 hours ago and can barely remember any of it. I even broke my vow to not watch the video, thinking it would jump some memory...it didn't because my mom didn't tape as much of it as I wanted. I almost feel like the birth didn't even happen because it went so quickly. I feel bad for feeling bad about it too. All I really want is to write this story and share the totally awesome birth I had and I can't. I'm sure postpartum hormones don't help any.
There's really no point to this post, just felt like whining, thanks :) Someday I'll get his story done! I"ve been waiting so long to write it and now I have one to write but can't write it...go figure!

Namaste, Tara

[scatterbrainedmom]

I had very long labor and remember nothing! i wrote a 3 paragraph birth story and sent it to my sil, who was there taping it, to go over and see if i missed anything and she sent me back a 2 page story. nak...

[noorjahan]

I have no advice on how to write a birth story that went fast, never been there!

Just wanted to say

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

[Lousli]

I had a fast birth with my last, 5 hours, and I had IV nubain, which made me so fuzzy that I feel asleep between contractions! If I had known it would have had that effect, I would have avoided it, but 20/20 hindsight. Anyway, it took me just a couple of days to get it written out, but many many months to even begin to process it (it was a fairly traumatic birth too, with a preemie that was in the NICU for 23 days after her birth).

I'm sorry that it isn't coming to you right now to write down. Maybe you could make some notes and then when you're a little less hormonal/tired you might be able to fill in the details a bit more? It might help to have another person help fill you in on things you don't remember as well. Was it an extremely painful birth? Sometimes nature's way of "tricking you so you'll do it again" is to make you forget. :wink I really think some of those post-partum hormones are for exactly that reason, to wash away any of the negative memories of pregnancy, labor, and birth, so that you just focus on the good (the baby!) and have the desire to make more of them.

[annakiss]

I had a very fast birth (4 1/2 hours) and I took two weeks of writing it bit-by-bit during my toilet time to get my birth story out. I would try just writing the very first thing. Start with that day, etc. Then explain how each contraction felt, go through it in your mind very very carefully. I'm sure you'll get the whole scope of it over time. :hug

And Congratulations! Welcome Rythm!!! :balloons

[jeanine123]

:Hug What about just writing down bits and pieces as you think of them? Then, when you feel you have enough written down, are further away from the birth itself and have had time to process, digest, heck sleep even you can sit down and go through it all and put it together in a way that makes sense and flows well. I wrote my son's birth story out about a month after he was born. Then, when he was turning one I sat down and wrote it out again with what I remembered a year later. It was pretty cool to compare the two, especially since the one I wrote a year later had a lot more detail/memories in it.

[Undercover Hippie]

I'm sorry you feel that way. You can "whine" all you want, not that you sound like you're whining, just processing. I've been there and I can relate. My DD's birth was fast, about 3.5-4 hours. Some of it stood out, mostly the very beginning, and was easy to write. Most of it was a blur though. I just posted a really quick version with a few details to my friends and promised the whole story later. I worked on it in those first few weeks but mostly I was just making mental notes, trying to fix the memories in my head and put them in order the way you do with a dream that is fleeting fast when you wake up. After several months I wrote the whole thing--darn computer died and I lost it--then I didn't actually completely rewrite it and process it until her first birthday. Don't worry, it will be there and will all make sense later. Talk about it with those who were there. Watch the video again later, you may glean bits of information that you didn't catch the first time (a year and a half later I still notice/hear things I didn't before and my video is not complete either). Mostly, just give yourself time. We all understand and are just happy for you that you had such an awesome birth! It will be exciting to read about whenever you write it. :love

[lisamarie]

With my first baby, it was about 5 hrs. That was almost 10 years ago and so I'm not quite sure when I wrote his birth story, but I think it was within the first month. It was a bit fuzzy to me, but because he was in distress at the end and things happened so fast (not the labor part).

With my dd, she arrived 2 1/2 hrs. after my first contraction. It was a whirlwind and I felt like I ran a marathon. I still think it took me a few weeks to absorb it all. Talking with my dh, my doula, midwife and my birth photographer, really helped me. Also seeing the photos helped as well.

Maybe when some thoughts or feelings come to you, write it down on a piece of paper or journal. Sometimes just writing those things down and story will unfold. The sounds, smells, the temp. outside, etc. It will tell a story, just be gentle with yourself.

CONGRATS~

Lisa :throb

[mamaverdi]

Write the bits and pieces as you remember them. Write subconsciously: typing with your eyes closed, picturing what happened, pulling the words that come to you.

My first birth was just under 5 hours. It took quite a while to process and write.
My second birth was 8ish hours, and it was harder because of the afterwards circumstances.

You are only 3-4 days out. Give yourself time, love, and patience. And give your baby a big :kiss

[muskokan]

Could you get your mom to write out what she saw at the birth or whoever else was there with you to write out the birth from their point of view and then go from there adding your feelings/emotions to it?

My DH isn't much of a writer but I tend not to remember a lot of details about my births so I am hoping to get him to write down how he felt about the birth and what he saw going on.

[TurboClaudia]

how about writing it as a poem instead of full sentence prose? poetry can lend itself much more to senses, emotions, sight, sound, taste, noise, touches, feelings, and sometimes it can look like a sentence but it doesn't always have to be. just write down phrases, the memories you have, what you saw, what you heard, what you felt. it doesn't need specifics of time or sequence. just the emotion behind it all. you can choose your words carefully and deliberately and find just the right ones you want to use.

if you want to read the birth story of our son written in poem, you can read it here. (http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=168000)

wishing you peace and love and hoping your writing muse comes to you soon...

warmly,
claudia

[Thmom]

I know how you feel, my last two have been 1.5 hours... how much can really happen in that short of time KWIM LOL. I don't have time to contemplate what's happening and how I'm dealing with it. I'm immediately in "primal" mode and am so much in the moment that sights, sounds everything just disappears. I will vaguely recall facts like my water breaking and it being clear etc.. but nothing "profound" like I read in so many birthstories. I feel it, I always feel amazed and like I just was part of a major miracle, but during the process... not much memerable...

Sooo... my birth stories tend to focus on my feelings prior to labor, how I knew I was in labor and the immediate postpartum period. I try to put into words my feelings of the miracle and the amazing bond I feel with my dh and my baby.

[neveryoumindthere]

i know just how u feel ( i think )
my labour this time (abt 8 weeks ago) was 40 min from first ctx to babe in arms. no one made it, no midwives, nothing. had no idea i was in labour :shrug i guess i figured it would be much more intense (my 1st was an induced labour on pitocin)

anyway just in the past couple weeks did i feel like 'i really *did* have a baby' i admit for the first few weeks i was completely distant and zoned out. hardly held her, didnt talk to her, when she cried i'd nurse or change her and put her down again, almost zombie/mechanical like. it felt as if my brain had not yet realized the baby was here and the mothering instincts didnt kick in yet. the midwives told me when they left the night of the birth i was showing symptoms of posttraumatic stres syndrome

a couple weeks ago dh took dd1 on a trip and they were gone 3 days (i've never slept apart from her) and that's when i really started to bond with dd2.

as forthe birth story, i wrote it out immediately and thought i had it pretty good, but my friend wrote with corrections.
give yourself some time. it will get easier...write details as u remember them and have someone who was at the birth help u fill them in..

for weeks i'd ask dh, "and then what happened", "tell me *your* version of the story", that really helped to talk about it and fill in the blanks

HTH
peace

[2+twins]

I agree with the pp. Have someone else who was there help to fill in the gaps. For my last birth (90 minutes) I was able to write the story but I didn't write it for at least a few weeks. I was very clear headed during the birth (the control freak in me I think) - probably in large part b/c no one made it (just dh & me). So I knew the details pretty well, but there wasn't a lot of emotion behind the whole experience. Just intensity.

:hug Give it some time and maybe just jot down things you remember in a journal then put it all together later.

[Robin926]

I can't relate to the fast birth story so I'm afraid I have no words of encouragement there. However, I wanted to say:

CONGRATS! And welcome to your new babe :D

[kerikadi]

I also understand how you feel. If you remember my last labor was 45 minutes :eek
I got a lot of my birthstory from talking with my DH and some from my MW as well, though she wasn't there very long :)
It did take time to process everything.
One of the big differences for me is that my previous homebirth was 6 hours and that birth story was full of sweet nuances - I did laundry, labored on hands and knees, danced with DH, he rubbed my back, I spent hours on my birth ball, I braided my hair and put on make-up :D drank my RRL tea, DH and I laughed and joked around.
However, Avery's birth was very different - I got in the tub and stayed there.
Instead of DH and I having a nice time I started out with snarky orders right away and the moaning and screaming wasn't far behind. :innocent
It was a good homebirth but it was not a 'nice' homebirth. One thing that has always given me great comfort though is that it was a homebirth and the thought that if I had not planned a homebirth I would have been so very panicked with the speed and intensity :bigeyes and there is no way I would have made it to a hospital.
Give yourself some time Mama :heartbeat
Pregnancy, labor and birth are all part of the journey but don't forget to enjoy your destination :throb

Keri

[valeria_vi]

my first labor was about 14 hours by my own estimates. BUT i didn't actually realise I was in labor until about an hour and a half before the baby was born. by then things did become a blur and even my dh had a hard time remembering things (forget about a chronological order!) the night after the baby came. in a way I do feel like I missed out on the spiritual expirience of giving birth. but it was the best birth for me for many many reasons and I feel great about how everything went.

[danav]

My first birth was fairly fast (water broke at 5ish am, baby born at 12:35pm just 7 hrs later). But what really took me by surprise was how my mind reacted to the intensity of the labor - I went "inside myself" somewhere, and was in such a fog through the whole thing that I have almost no real memory of the events. I literally felt drugged, even though it was a totally natural birth. It was SO strange to feel so fuzzy about everything once it was over...thank God my sister was there, and even took detailed notes (she was a doula, now a midwife, and she used her usual notes/paperwork). We sat and talked over the details for hours and hours in the days after Jenna's birth, until I had a clear picture in my mind of everything and was able to put it all down in a written birth story. If she hadn't been there I would still be lost - Dh was NO help in remembering the things I wanted to know!

This third birth, last Saturday, was SO different...it was very fast, but I stayed totally alert and aware the whole time. I was still laughing and talking during contractions at 9 cm! I remember virtually everything, I think...I haven't written out the birth story yet but I can still play it all back in my head really clearly.

Have you tried talking to your mom and anyone else who was there about the birth? Maybe that will help you fill in the blanks and organize your memories. I'm sorry you're feeling so scattered about it...I know that feeling and it's not a good one. I know how important it is to be able to process it all and wrap your mind around every little detail.

Congrats on your new baby, by the way! :love

[ozzyemm]

I didn't have a fast labor (about 25 hours, 16 in hospital), but I had an emergency csection under general anesthesia, so I wasn't "there" for the delivery. This has been very hard for me, as noone else I knew was in the room either. I can't have anyone "fill-in-the-blanks." I wrote down everything else I could remember up to the minute I was rolled into the OR. I have talked to my DH and doula to find out what my baby looked like as soon as he came out of the OR.

Basically, I agree with others who have said to ask those who were there, to get more info. But, it is okay if your birth story is short. Have your DH (or anyone who was there) also write a birth story. Reading my husband's account of Michael's birth was very healing for me, because he had stayed with Michael in the NICU for hours, while I was asleep. HTH!

[bobandjess99]

I think this might be a "the grass is always greener...." kind of thing..I personally had an average-ish labor (first time mom), about 16 hours of "hard" labor and unfortunately remember every horrible, excruciating, hellish moment of agony and torture. I would have given ANYTHING to have had a labor that was shorter.....a 1, 2, 3, 4 hour labor.???...SIGN ME UP!!!!! Afterwards, for a while, I would get so angry when moms "complained" about their fast births...I was like...WTF??? I would have given anything to have had a shorter amount of agony to go through.....but now, after having time to process, while I still would have preferred to not have gone through my labor at all ever, I can understand how everyone can grieve their labor, whether it was too long or too short, too painful or not painful enough....hospital, home, vaginal C/S...it's about it not being what you wanted, about being disappointed....
Hopefully you will be able to process through and make peace with your experience.

[MamaTaraX]

Thank you all so much for your replies!! I have been trying to write it bit by bit. I'm rather verbose, to be nice to myself :lol (okay okay, I ramble and talk a lot!) soI really am having a hard time having so darn little to write. I have written little notes and when things come to me, I write them. My DH tells me stuff fromtime to time, thoughhe spent most of the labor not with me or scurryign around or freaking out. I haven't even seen my mom save for twenty minutes since the baby came, so she's out and I will talkto my midwife more about her short time there when she comes next. I did tell her I was having a hard time processing, and she was understanding. My cell phone hasproven to be surprisingly helpful. It hasthe calls on it that I made to my midwife and doula as well as my midwife calling me back, so I have some actual time references to work within, which makes it even faster actually. I've stared at and talked to the baby and stared at the candles that burned when he entered theworld. I even sat in the spot where the tub was :) I'm sure I'll get more of it back.

I always thought fast labors sounde dintense and not-quite-desirable...then I attended some and yeah, that's what I thought ;) ThenI had my own and it is truly crazy. My last birth was 12 days of prodromal labor then 8 hours of super-crazy-intense hard labor...but I had 8 hours of it and lots of things happened, so it's all good. It's been fun trying to remember this birththough and remembering things that I thought and felt and how it was a really kind of out-of-body experience overall. I'm really justhappy I got to do it by candlelight, at least that part of my birth idea happened :)

Namaste, Tara

[Artisan]

Just wanted to send along a :hug

[JanetF]

Everyone has said such great stuff :) I just want to say that I've seen a lot of women describe exactly what you're saying. A friend planned a freebirth and was so excited about it only to have about 4 cx and the baby fell out! She felt really disappointed at missing out on really relishing her birth, yk? I see other mamas who have really long first births make plans for a repeat only to have very short labours and they feel really shocked by it. I don't think there's necessarily an optimal length for labour ;) but there does seem to be a need in many of us to at least labour long enough for our psyche to be well aware of the transition we're making from pregnant to mama. Give yourself time, you'll be amazed at what comes back and what gifts you find in your experience. Perhaps you will find ways to support clients processing similar births?! :hug

[orangebird]

I had a similar experience with my third birth, just an hour long. I felt like I had been hit by a truck afterward and was still in a fog for days. It was really traumatizing. My second birth, about 15 hours, was so much nicer. I felt so great afterward. After the hour long birth I felt horrible. I still haven't written a good birth story for the last one yet, and it was six months ago yesterday. At first I was too traumatized, every time I remembered things about it I felt horrible inside. After reading the responses to this thread, I just asked DH if he would write out a birth story for me. I am sure his perception was very different than mine. Although at the end, while I was pushing, he thought both me and the baby were going to die, I never thought either of us were going to die. But great idea having a third party who was there helping with the details.

[JesseMomme]

:lurk: :nak

[henhao]

My gentle birthing time was 5-6 hours. Baby came out with one push.

I also had a hard time processing it. The hardest part for me was the growing pool of blood around my feet and realizing that I could have easily died had I been alone. Thank god someone was there to call an ambulance. I was alone for 30 minutes while DH went to the store; neither of us realized how far along I was.

However, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And that is also hard to process...that ONE experience can be beautiful, hurtful, powerful, sad, happy and so on.

What helped me get back some of the moments was to talk to DH about it. He reminded me I got in the shower and then I could remember the warm steam. He would mention I was on the bed and then more memories came back to me.

I don't recall every second, and I'm at peace with that.

[Baby_makes_4]

Wow, I'm so glad I found this thread. On Oct. 27th I went into labor at 3:30am and my beautiful daughter was born at 4:12am. When I tell someone I almost feel like I missed out, I get the "no you don't" (well yes, I'm pretty sure I do) or I get the "really???" like I'm a big freakin idiot. I don't remember much either. I just have to focus on my healthy baby girl!
So I do really feel kind of sad, I understand. Hugs to you momma. :throb

[busybusymomma]

Good luck writing your story Tara. My labor was 4 hours long after three weeks of prodromal labor- it was the right amount of time given the fact that I'd waited so long for active labor. My midwife's assistant wrote down things, like the time she arrived, the doula and my mom arrived, when the midwife arrived, when dh came home from work etc which helped since time became a blur once I called people after midnight and starting blowing up my own birth pool (dh wasn't home nights). She also wrote down the time that I was 9cm and that 32 minutes later ds crowned, was born and and the placenta came out (all in the space of 6 minutes I think it was). It really helped me to see that on paper because it felt like everything happened at once. :lol

When you have it written (whenever that is, no pressure), I'd love to read it. :love

[Susannah M]

DS is 11 weeks old - my labor was 6 hours from the point I realized I was having cx to when he was in my arms. I was expecting longer than that and I have friends who live about an hour and a half away who were "supposed" to be there for the birth but did not make it by the birth. I do definately feel like there are things that I missed out on. . . mostly what makes me sad is that Keagan's aunties were not there like I had planned on. Hugs to you. I also have not yet been able to coherently write down the birth story; I long to but cannot. When you are able to get it down if you feel like sharing I would love to read it.
-Susannah