My baby asked for her dad instead of me; breaking my heart

[MamaSmurf]

I am a fairly new single mommy. I left in April and things have been going amazingly well. My daugther stays with her Dad two nights per week. Tonight I experienced something I was just not prepared for and it left me reeling emotionally. My daughter (she will be two on February 20th) was crying and crying to go to her Dad's house.

I mean, this just really hurt me because her Dad's house is a total disaster area, her toys are everywhere, they never eat a meal at the table because it is burried under piles of clothes and mail...i mean it is utter chaos and he is more or less an irresponsible kind of man.

But she wanted HIM and not me tonight and it broke my heart.

I know it's selfish but it really hurts. I have been her primary care giver since she was born. I pretty much do all the responsible things.

Has anyother Mama experience this? Is this normal? Does it get worse?

Thanks mamas.

mamasmurf :( :( :(

[Marsupialmom]

I think as a single mom you have to kind of get over this (actually as a married mom too :LOL ). It hurts.

Because you are angry at your ex don't let it spill over to their relationship. No matter what you don't like about him he is still is her father.

*******My house has looked like that. So I don't see what that is horrible. There are people here that admit to never eating at the diner table. No harm done. Be glad he has toys for your dd.

[Jster]

MamaSmurf, hugs!

I've been through similar things...with my older daughter at times crying and crying to see her dad. It's important to remember that kids have to grieve, too, and even if he wasn't responsive or helpful in caring with her when you were together she still has to deal with the change. It's not a reflection on you that she wants to see him, it's really and truly just her talking. And sometimes I remind myself that part of why I've done all this attachment parenting stuff is to make my children independent. There's a saying that goes something like, "First, give your child roots, then they will grow wings." So her being comfortable with her dad and wanting to be with him is a good thing, not a bad one.

And though it can hurt (my 1yo who was totally abandoned by her dad before she was even born loves to see him and talk about him..talks about him almost more than she talks about my sister she's seen almost every day of her life, and she barely talks anyway!!!), it's really much, MUCH better that she likes to be with her dad than that it makes her upset. What if she was crying and clinging to you every time she had to go over there? That would really break your heart as well...to know that she had to be in a situation she was unhappy with. So cherish her adaptability, nurture her grieving, and love her for all the ways she takes you for granted ;)

(Also...remember...dad's are fun but in general mom's are forever. I was reminded of this recently at church when we had a Thanksgiving ceremony and people could stand up and say what or who they were thankful for. 95% of the people who stood up said they were thankful for their mothers. I would have hated to be a dad that day, really.)

[meemee]

yes becky typical age approp. thing. happens to almost all children of all parents. they show preference at som e point. my dd has done that. my bro did it when he was 2 and my parents were tog.

exceept i did not feel hurt. i was happy she was showing interest in her daddy (u know teh fun guy) even though she hadnt started overnights with him yet. today she calls up her dad and asks her if she can spend the night with him. i have no issues with him as a dad so i am happy my dd can have a father dd relationship with her dad.

and like jster pointed out at least ur child is not being torn out of ur arms in hysterics. that is what truly tore my heart. but ex was good (or perhaps didnt knwo how to handle shrieking child) and brought her back if she was crying too hard and for too long.

oh btw my house is like ur ex's house. out of choice we rarely eat at the dinnr table.

[MsChatsAlot]

I try to honor their feelings as much as possible. I know there were times when my son would say he missed his dad and I'd say, "I know, I miss him too sometimes."

I suggest they call their dad, or see if we can arrange a visit for that night. If it's not possible then I don't. I just let them know that they'll be seeing him again real soon.

It's not personal. The quicker you can shake that part, the easier it will be for you.

[trinity6232000]

Becky first it's good to see you posting. Missed you :hug

Second it's really quite normal for Charlotte to cry for her
Daddy, and it's healthy. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. My
Mattie was crying the other night for her Dad who she hasn't
seen for about a year now, and she is five. Little girls love
their Daddies, and their Mama's. Doesn't mean she loves
one more than the other. Still pulls at the heart though,
doesn't it? :heartbeat

Love to you.

[JoyofBirth]

I'm not much help in the single momma dept. I give you much respect going it alone. I am married. I wanted to add that I have noticed that my dd wants to do certan things with certain people and will cry and say their names, but is not happy just to have them. She likes to read this one certain book with me and will cry if someone else tried to read it with her. She had a toy she takes to daddy. And there are things she prefers to do with her "sassa", my mom, that she just will not do with anyone else. I don't know if kids go through a phase like this or if it's just mine. But maybe your baby was just in the mood for something she likes to do with daddy and was sad he was not there. I'm sorry you're having to go it alone and for both of you for losing piece of your lives.

P.S. Don't ever stop by, my house looks like you described and we eat on stack tables in the living room. I'm generally responsible, I just prefer to play with my baby. :bag
Good luck to you. I'm sure she really loves you best.

[morgainesmama]

It used to hurt terribly when it happened. It hurt too when my kids cried because they didn't want to leave me. It hurt that they were unhappy.

My dd went through a period when she liked to say, "I want to live at Daddy's." That hurt most of all.

But now that time has passed, it hurts a lot less. I went to pick baby up the other night for nursing and my older (3yo) son freaked out and said "No! I don't want you to take me home!" and I was totally ok with saying, "It's ok, I'm just giving you a kiss before I take your brother home." They have a life at their dad's that's not what I choose for them here, but they're happy with it. And they're happy with their life here. They still sometimes say, "I wish I could live with you AND daddy."

She loves you both, and it's hard for her to be away from either of you. Honor it as best you can, and do your best to honor her father too, whether or not you agree with his choices -- don't let your anger spill into her spirit, because it's nto hers to own.

FWIW, my little trailer is a huge mess, esp. compared with ex's huge 5 bedroom home that is neat and pristine even with seven children because there are few toys to be played with.

[fuller2]

My son CALLS me daddy sometimes (usually when he's just come back from his dad's house)! I actually like it, because it shows how much he loves and feels comfortable with both of us in spite of everything. I think it is a good thing your daughter wants her daddy--it's natural and shows she loves him.

(and my house also sounds a lot like your ex's....heh heh heh)

[emmasmominar]

uh hugs to you! :)

I sound selfish to but I hate it when Emma and I are at her dads and she goes over to him. (this has only happened like twice though) I guess I feel like I do all the work and why should she want to be with him KWIM? Emma is only 15 mos so I dont know if it will gte worse, but I am sure you got some good advice from the other mamas here!

[Raynbow]

momma.. take it as this:
By asking for her dad, she is telling you that she is secure enough in the knowledge that YOU will always be there for her - even if she pushes you away - to ask for someoen she isn't so sure will always be there.