Anyone else married to a workaholic?

[Sweetiemommy]

My husband is an incredible father and partner, but his fatal flaw is working 12 plus hours a day. His job is very hectic and he is definately becoming very successful, but I am really sick of his work being the primary focus of our lives. I guess before we had a baby and I was more career driven, it didn't seem as bad, but now it is becoming a major problem. And of course, he won't change jobs because he doesn't want to start over and has a lot of money invested in his 401k. I am at my wit's end lately. Anyone else in the same boat?

[meowee]

If my husband isn't asleep, he's working. This isn't an exaggeration. He eats while he works, even talks on the phone while using the bathroom. I've found him asleep on top of papers with his laptop on his chest. So yes, I'm married to a workaholic too.

[meowee]

Is workaholism so rare??

[meowee]

wow sweetiemama, it's just you and me! :o

[lrmama]

Nope, I have one, too. While I appreciate the fact that dh is willing to work so hard for us, I really hate how much he's gone. He works rotating shifts to begin with, with several 12 hour days built into his schedule each week. He also volunteers for any overtime that they'll give him. And every two years, the company he works for goes into a special schedule where everyone works 12 hour days, six days a week. This goes on for at least two months, usually more.

I guess I'm just lucky that i'm a SAHM, or I'd never get to see him. Before dd2 was born and I started SAHM'ing, I worked at the same place dh does. When we went on the 12 hour, 6 day a week shift, he worked nights, and I worked days. For 4 months, I saw him for about 30 minutes a day, because we'd come in to work early to see each other. Our day off wasn't even the same...not that it mattered, anyhow, since he was on nights and just continued his sleep pattern on his day off.

[suziek]

Count me in. Dh works around the clock and travels for a little less than half the time--sometimes for weeks at a run, twice for six months, and usually for a full work week plus a weekend.

It's hard on all of us, each in different ways. For me, I can handle the parenting, not perfectly but I do okay. I have some cooking/cleaning help--we live abroad where it is affordable, where I have no family, and where all the other moms we know also have help so there isn't a culture of trading baby sitting, etc. In a pinch our housekeeper will help with one or two of the the kids. The tough part is the loneliness, and the anxiety since DH is often in somewhat dangerous places. However, I do enjoy quiet and alone time, and I have a great -- but small -- circle of friends who are in the same dinghy.

For my kids it's hard because I am a bit more laid-back than Dad, so there is always a tough transition when DH comes home--its a set-up of sorts for everyone. We now know to expect it and can defuse it a bit. Also, they miss him and talk about him constantly. Now that I am pg, I'm not quite as able to take them swimming, sledding, etc. so without dad they have a less active time, which can lead to frustrating (for all of us) misbehavior (for lack of a better word.)

For DH it's difficult because he is a wonderful and caring father, and he misses the kids when he is on the road. Plus, he feels intense pressure to succeed, and while his work is rewarding, and he is very good at it, that pressure sometimes gets to him. And it NEVER lets up.

Having said all this, DH's job has given us a life of adventure and relative comfort and security. When he is home, he works out of an office in our apartment building, and so is home for lunch, help with earaches or whatnot, and eats dinner with us before heading down to work for the rest of his endless workday.

There really is nothing we can do about these punishing demands--except focus on the positive. I keep reminding myself I AM living my dream--four kids (fingers crossed), living abroad, staying home with them, a wonderful smart husband who is kind, good, funny. Wish I saw more of him tho.......

[riverundine]

yes...my dh is a serious workaholic.
it's "high season" right now, so he starts at 6am and gets home around 11pm most days. today he was all happy that he didn't have to be in until 8am.
before the baby came, i told him that i was going to "need" him more...that he should look at where his priorities were, because i wasn't looking to be raising our child alone. he said he would do everything in his power to work less. he's the boss, so in the end he actually could be working less. it's just not in his nature to "slack". he has to do the best job he can, which requires these insane hours.
i'm grateful to have a wonderful, loving husband that can provide for his family, allowing us the opportunity for me to be a SAHM for dd. i'm also glad that he is finally getting the recognition he deserves. the president of the company loves him, he got a huge christmas bonus, they're singing his praises...yes, i'm very proud of him and glad for all of this, but i want a dada around.
in the summer he has a 4 day work week of 10-12 hour days. i thought, "excellent! family time." he said, "great! i can get a second job!"
the ppd has me down, and it sure would be nice to have some support with dd. i get very lonely these days. i really miss him.
it's such a catch-22...we want to be together all the time, but we need the money. every time i ask him if he could just trust his staff a bit more, or let go of the reins for some more time off, he just tells me that i shouldn't have married a chef :( . he says that this is the job that he knows how to do, and these are the hours that are required of him to do it right.
his younger brother is in the same business, with the same insane work ethic. he's 27 and had a mild stroke last week. dh gets a serious reaction...dizziness, asphyxia, change in color, nausea...it's like a really bad allergic reaction where he has to go to the er and get shot up with steroids...about once a year right after crunchtime. it's like his body just starts screaming at him to cool it and makes him take time to recoup. unfortunately, these health problems don't stop the boys. so not only am i bummed that he's barely ever home (awake) with us, i'm seriously concerned about his health. he claims he's taking it easier at work, but.... and i don't want to be a nag anymore, cuz a) it doesn't help, and b) he already knows how i feel, c) he really thinks he's doing the best he can, and d) i spent years nagging and all it did was give him additional stress. i want his home to be somewhere he can just rest and breathe, so i've given up on the nagging. this, actually, has been wonderful for our marriage. he truly does know how i feel, so it's not fair to him to have to deal with stress all day long and then come home to more stress. but i'm worried and i miss him, so i'm glad i can vent here, now, rather than on him. just really hoping that with his bro's stroke something will click/sink in and he'll make the extra time so he doesn't kill himself.

[IamCoupongirl]

Yep, I've got one, too. It's hard, but then I feel funny complaining about it, because he's such a good provider and we're very comfortable. And he loves what he does.

[boobybunny]

There is more stress in a professional kitchen than there is in an ER. Which is crazy. IT IS ONLY FOOD, NO ONE IS DYING.


Find a way to get your hubby to relax. The best chef I have ever worked with used to sing crazy songs when we were in the weeds. He would get us throught the crunch, and have us dancing and laughing.

[mommiesjunk]

My hubby works a lot and goes out of town often. So much in fact that since I have no family around to help I had to get a regular sitter so I could do stuff with two hands. I can't complain. He loves what he does and comes home happy and is a wonderful provider, partner and father when he is here. He even calls during the day. :love Plus I work almost 24/7 running our house. Does that mean he is married to a workholic? :wink I always get a kick out of telling people I am a workaholic.

[aidansmom05]

I have a workaholic husband too. He leaves by 6 am and doesn't get home until 7:30. He is supposed to only work 4 days, but more often than not he works 5, lately he has been trying to cut the fifth day back, but he still gets called in. the commute is over an hour and gas is soo expensive so it really sucks when he has to go in on Fridays. They also got blackberry's./ so it goes off all day everyday and he has to respond.

He also coaches youth hockey...this is volunteer so some nights he is not home until 11-11:30. In his free time he is trying to start his own photography business, so there is not much time for me and ds. : ( But we love him.

He is a good dad!

[*GreenMama*]

If my husband isn't asleep, he's working. This isn't an exaggeration. He eats while he works, even talks on the phone while using the bathroom. I've found him asleep on top of papers with his laptop on his chest. So yes, I'm married to a workaholic too.

My husband takes the laptop INTO the bathroom with him!!!!

[Tori Gollihugh]

My DH is necessarily a workaholic. He's just begun to establish himself and it's hard to gain a rep at the outset if he limited his availability. So, he works.... and works... and works.... 6 days a week, 12+ hours each day. Thankfully we do have all day Sundays together, but his boss wants to change EVEN that. He's firm in not allowing that to happen, THANKFULLY!!! He does get to come home for an hour each afternoon, but his boss wants to end that as well. I think, if he didn't get that one hour with our DD I would have to definitely have a problem. And if I was planning to have her in any kind of school away from home, I would probably have a problem because she wouldn't ever see him... but my mom pointed out that it was wonderful that I could stay home now because we can really MAKE the schedule that works for our family. Like, if he DOES have to work throug the afternoon instead of having that break, DD and I can take a longish nap in the afternoon and then stay up late at night to see him when he comes home! I definitely have been frustrated by his constant absence... and I feel like he's more my roomie than hubbie oftentimes, but at the same time, I'm so TOTALLY grateful that he's willing to work so hard to support us financially so that I CAN take care of our DD full-time AND am more free to take care of the household. I really HATE dishes and laundry, so they get done as I build up enough motivation to do them, or they NEED to be done... but I think it's a small 'problem' compared to feeling constant pressure because I HAVE to do them ALL the time ALONE. anyway... just some thoughts. Hope you're feeling better about everything sooner than later. :)
:hugs

[afishwithabike]

DH is and will be a workoholic until he is done with his apprenticeship and earning full Union scale. Until then he'll be working all the OT he can get. Well, besides that he has a seasonal job so there are super slow times where he may have no work at all. Humm how do you deal with that one.

[akkimmie]

We've left my family and friends 6 month ago for the last fronteir ALASKA. DH has a new job here and like others, needs to put time in. I am greatful that he has time in the morning with DS- he is a great father but once he his gone I think he forgets to come home. His job provides well but includes field time that leaves me home with DS for some time and in Alaska (very cold). It's great that he can come home and give DS time but once bedtime happens, dh is lost to the laptop for hours. Good luck and warm wishes for that warm body to be close :flipped

[afishwithabike]

We've left my family and friends 6 month ago for the last fronteir ALASKA. DH has a new job here and like others, needs to put time in. I am greatful that he has time in the morning with DS- he is a great father but once he his gone I think he forgets to come home. His job provides well but includes field time that leaves me home with DS for some time and in Alaska (very cold). It's great that he can come home and give DS time but once bedtime happens, dh is lost to the laptop for hours. Good luck and warm wishes for that warm body to be close :flipped
Welcome to us. I understand your delimma. I feel like a "seasonal" single mom. He is home to eat dinner and sleep. IE: Lastnight he cam home took a two hour nap I had to go to the store but couldn't leave because he was napping and DD had just gotten up from hers. I had to leave once he woke up. I got back and he stayed awake for an hour then went back to bed. DS is teething so I couldn't go to bed when he did. Not much fun.

[MaterBum]

Count me in, too. Here's the real kicker that gets me, though. DH quit a great paying job last year when we found out we were expecting twins to find a job that didn't require so many hours so he could be home more. Yeah, right! The reality: he's now making half but he's still working looonggg hours :irked: . Well, I guess it was the thought that counts??

[RainbowSquidney]

Mine too....not by choice though.
He has to so that I can stay home with the kids.
He works two jobs and goes to school. It won't be forever though. Maybe just a couple more years and he'll have 'normal' hours and be home more.
It certainly makes us appreciate the time we do have together as a family....

[JeDeeLenae]

I know this is an older topic, and this is my first time posting here, but man, did I relate to a lot of you guys. My DH is a real workaholic. He's up by 7am and gets home usually around 9pm. And even then, he still finds time to squeeze in a little work. He usually spends a little time relaxing and smoking a cigarette in the garage with our BIL who lives with us, then he comes to bed and he's so tired, he can't even talk to me.

On days where he doesn't have to work the extra long hours, he sleeps in, then goes to work, then comes home late still... so even though he's HERE, he's not HERE.

What do you all do with the time?? Isn't it frustrating. I know he doesn't HAVE to work as much as he does, that's why he's got the job he's got, but he's working just as much time as before. I used to work with him, thinking it would cut the time he had to work in half... but then we BOTH just ended up working ridiculous hours. Now I'm a SAHM and I don't know what to do with myself, and my son.

Anyway, when DH is home. What do you guys do together. Especially those of you with younger kids that can't entertain themselves.

[lapetitemaman]

I did a search for "workaholic" and came upon this thread. I'm happy I'm not alone.

We're not married yet (nor do we have kids! We're TTC #1), but my boyfriend is a workaholic. We've been together almost 5 years. For the time we've been together, he's always been in school and working, both pretty much full time.

It doesn't help that he has insomnia, too. So instead of sleeping, he'll either be studying or working (not at home).. It's really tough...It's gotten worse over time, I feel. He has so many demands put on him b/c he's so smart and such a hard worker. That, plus he places demands on himself...He just can't turn in a paper for school (he's in business school) unless he feels it's just about perfect :shake. He has tunnel vision (while I've been diagnosed with ADD...talk about extremes!).

It's just real hard on me, I feel so lonely. I know it's hard on him too. During the past few years, he's lost weight and overall it's really been taking a toll on him.

[Boobs]

I'm married to a restaurant manager. Need I say more?? :lol

[mommy2cias]

Mine is, but I'm not sure it's his choice. He works for a company that is contracted to work for the government and well, they're pathetic and can't get their act together. So that means projects that take 6 months to finish MUST be done in 1 month. Like right now. So they're all working overtime b/c the idiots didn't give them enough time. UGH...

He has an hour and 40 min. commute, leaves between 7:30-8:30 a.m. and gets home at 7:30 p.m. And he might have to work Saturday, again.... It sucks.. Thankfully the pay is really good.

[MommyMine]

Mine is, of course the other side of that coin is he provides well and is driven. I was a workaholic before kids too.

What I talk to him about is keeping "being a good father" in his definition of "sucess" and being a good father means being there- not all the time but sometime.

We talk about it often.

If we could afford it I would do things to make his absenses easier like hire help. I do use my mom often for babysitting to help give me a break when it feels like I am a single parent.

[SweetPotato]

My dh is in his last year of grad school. I'm lucky in that the actual hours he puts in aren't too bad, but with a dissertation hanging over his head, I feel like work eats up a lot of his mental energy, even when he's home. He sets very high standards for himself and then uses his free time to feel guilty about not working, instead of letting himself really relax and just be happy.

We've been married for 9 years, through different jobs and grad school for both of us, and now that he's doing what he loves and we have a wonderful 6 month old dd and a great home, I just wish that he could let himself enjoy it all more. I really believe that happiness should be the primary meaure of success, but I think it's easy to get caught up in using careers, salaries, and comparisons with others to define ourselves.

Sorry if I sound negative, but I love him so much and wish he was more mentally present in enjoying our little girl and just living life with us.