Is it weird that I don't want anyone to know when I go into labor?

[Ellarae]

I was talking to my mom the other day, and she mentioned that she wants me to call her when I go into labor. I was really surprised by this. I'm a very private person, and it never occured to me to let anyone know when this happens.

The more I think about it, the more positive I am that I'm not going to tell anyone. This babe is going to be born at home, and I don't want people worrying about how long it's taking or if anything is going wrong. I don't want to have to update people. Our families aren't in the area, so I don't have to worry about anyone showing up. My mom, of course is horrified. I'm not sure why, since we're not even that close.

It just seems like an intimate experience, and I really only want my dh there. I'm not even sure that I want the midwife there, but she will be for peace of mind. :) This is my first after all!

So I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way. I know some people like to share it with everyone, but I'm just not like that. Now my mom and sister are giving me grief about it. Am I alone in this?

[OtherMother'n'Madre]

I didn't want anyone to know. In fact the only person outside of my husband was my sister and that's cause I called and was talking through contractions with her. No one even knew I was having the baby until I called my sister from the hospital (I went in for pain killer) and asked her what my blood type was. :lol I was trying to avoid any more pokes with a needle and if they couldn't figure out my type they were going to draw blood.

I didn't want anyone to know. I think labour is private and doesn't need to be broadcasted to every one in the world. Enough people will be in your face after the babe gets here that you can have a few moments of peace. :lol

[Artisan]

I don't think it's weird. In a way, it kind of feels like you're a watched pot, even though the people aren't there. You don't need that energy if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

[afishwithabike]

Nope, I didn't let anybody know either. I had all the phones in my room atht he hosp birthing center shut off and nobody besides DH and my Mid-wife were allowed in my room. I feel it should be a private thing.

[mama_nomad]

Actually it sounds very instinctual. You don't want an audience even if it would be an "absent audience". I've always loved what Dr. Bradley said about animals in labor and pointing out that when cats give birth they totally find a hide out and want to be left alone--why should it be any different for you? Somebody once said that for every extra person at your birth add one or two hours to your labor-- I think that would apply to those not present but still vibing you from afar.

You go! Do it your way and it'll be great--it's totally your birth (and dh and Baby) no one else's!!!! Maybe come up with a special job or task for your mom and sister to be in charge of after the baby is born so they don't feel completely excluded--let them know about it now. Like planning a baby's first moon party of making announcement to sen out after you know the name and weight.....I don't know maybe that would make them feel special? People still like to be part of the magic of a new being coming into the family.

My Dh doesn't like people to know either, the less people the better.

[jgale]

I didn't tell anyone either, except two friends who were with me in early labor. My mom was upset--wanted to be called, but I was very concerned about not wanting to have to update her/worry on her behalf if things were taking a long time or if there were complications.

Ironically, the day that I was in labor a bunch of family and friends called--people we don't usually speak to very often. We didn't answer the phone, but it was kind of cool to know they were thinking of us...

Jessi

[mamatoady]

I think I'll keep it hush-hush this time. With my daughter, I was in the hospital and even though I never called her, SIL found out when dh told MIL and she ended up in the hospital room while they were preparing to induce me..so I wasn't clothed,I had needles and everything in my arms, they were asking me very personal questions. frankly, I was pissed (and I like her!) but I didn't want her to feel bad by asking her to leave.

This will be a home birth and honestly, I'm debating telling my dh :lol We're not really on best terms right now(ok, our relationship sucks) and he can't keep a secret for anything (and that would include anything I tell him NOT to tell anyone.)

My neighborhood will know, because the midwifes car will be here for hours, but she puts a sign on the door so people won't intrude. drapes will be drawn and I'll be upstairs and away from EVERYONE.
sarah

[CryPixie83]

Definately not weird :thumb

I told dh today that I don't want to call my mom for a couple days after the birth. Not to be mean or anything but because I know as soon as she hears the news she'll be at my doorstep (if she can find it, we'll be moving between now and then) in about three hours (she lives in the next state) and I just don't want to deal with her until I'm ready. We'll tell MIL and DH's brother and his family a few hours after the birth, and I know dh will call MIL while I"m in labor because he'll be excited, whatever as long as no one shows up before I'm ready.

It's totally normal to want a private birth. I had ...lemme count...nine people (not counting myself) at my first birth (at home) and I felt like I was on display. This time it will be me, dh, dd and granny (who lives with us). Now that I know what to expect (roughly) and that I can do it, I just want to be left to do my thing, ya know?

[JoyofBirth]

It's totally natural. I've beenn with manny moms as an apprerntice midwife who had to take calls from family wonderinng what's taking so long and if they had the baby yet. And I've seen it take contractions from 5 minutes apart to twenty minutes apart b/c the mom lost her focus for a good while. If it would work, tell them you'll call and then don't. Call them afterwards and tell them your labor came on fast and you forgot. They'll forgive you, I'm sure. Or just say you'll think about it. Or tell them you're uncomfortable with it and it's not open for discussion.

[momto l&a]

I make my dh swear he wont call anyone till AFTER the baby is born.

He tcalled both our parents when I went into labor with our first. I wasnt happy.

I feel it impedes my labor and makes it a less private affair.

[~lioneyes~]

We aren't letting anyone know either. The only thing is that all of dh's family and my mom live very close. Our midwives will be asked not to answer the door, in case anyone does show up. Most animals go off into a quiet place to have their babies, and we are, after all, animals. :wink

[hotwings640]

That is soooo not weird. I told family with my first and it was a HUGE mistake. I was in labor for days (bad induction, horrible birth), and it was sooooooo frustrating to continue to get phone calls from worried people wondering what was going on. Their worry only made me more tense and concerned. My second birth was a planned homebirth and we didn't want to have worried family calling us and needing to update if it took awhile or if it stopped (I had lots of start-stop stuff with that kiddo). I did however, tell my online birth group. I felt they were the ones I could let know my secret because they would not worry, but would instead only send positive vibes and thoughts my way.... they would also know enough not to call me for an update, they would just wait for a birth announcement and assume all was going well until they got that announcement.
This next time around, I will deffinately not be calling anyone. We will be having another homebirth and we would be close enough for family to get there in time if we warned them :lol I don't want anyone there. I will probably tell my online birth groups if anyone and let that be that. I prefer to surprise family with a "Guess what?" after baby is born, I am washed up, baby has nursed, and I feel like bragging a bit.

[Pariah]

I feel that way, too...ideally, I'd not even call our midwives, I'd just get lost in my own "happy place" and labor by myself. I know my mother wants me to call when labor starts, and I can deal with that, but I've already warned her that we're turning our phones off after that and will not be calling until we're finished!

[Christine&men]

Don't tell her. First time around I called, I was in labor almost exactly 12 hours (textbook hourwise, the dropping heartrate, umbilical cord around his neck, and vacuum extraction not so great). After that I was so high (naturally that is) that I called my mom even before I got to hold him (well, it took a little time for them to make sure he was alright :shy ). Also had some intrusive "guests" during the hospital stay, just did not know how to handle this.

Well, the point is: Having a baby made me just a tad more decisive and I am not going to tell anyone this time around. Uh, and "guests" better wash their hands in front of my eyes!

PS: need to update signature, I am due June 6! :bouncy

[bellalunalovebunny]

Nope i feel the same way. We won't be calling anyone and we plan to turn off the ringers and turn down the answering machine. We want no distractions and our families tend to be very persistent. Meaning they will call and call.

My mil is giving us grief, she told my husband to ask me to stop being such a meanie. Because he let her believe it was my decision alone.....he is a weenie when it comes to standing up to his mom. :lol

My mom called and said she would be coming on the 18th (yesterday). Even though i specifically said we would be the only ones here and we wanted no visitors for at least 2 weeks after. So i told her nope not gonna happen, we will call you when we are ready for visitors.

They both didn't like it but that is just something they will have to deal with because i'm sticking to our decision. Hang in there and do what you feel is best for you.

[Ellarae]

Thanks everyone. :) You've made me feel less weird. I have no problem enforcing my decisions with my family, it just seems like every choice I make is the opposite of the one I want. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I'd call right after the baby is born. I'm sure I'll be exhuasted, and I need bonding time. My priority just won't be calling everyone. They'll know soon enough anyway. :) Thanks for the support!

[~lioneyes~]

Nope i feel the same way. We won't be calling anyone and we plan to turn off the ringers and turn down the answering machine. We want no distractions and our families tend to be very persistent. Meaning they will call and call.

My mom called and said she would be coming on the 18th (yesterday). Even though i specifically said we would be the only ones here and we wanted no visitors for at least 2 weeks after. So i told her nope not gonna happen, we will call you when we are ready for visitors.

They both didn't like it but that is just something they will have to deal with because i'm sticking to our decision. Hang in there and do what you feel is best for you.


I love this post! It is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. Way to stand up for yourself mama!!

[BookGoddess]

Nope, I completely understand. I'm a very private person and I kept even the news of my pregnancy to just DH and me for 3 months. I was induced but I only told my parents. They were under strict orders not to come to the hospital until the baby was born. Sounds mean perhaps but I *know* my mother. She is a sweet person but just not who I want when I'm in labor. Though she means well she can't help interfering and giving her unsolicited advice. Knowing that, I only wanted DH at my side. I didn't want to think about all his relatives and mine sitting around the waiting area waiting for me to push out the baby. Having a baby is such an intensely personal experience. The woman should have beside her whomever she feels comfortable having. And that may mean not having even her husband/significant other present.

My mom honored my wish but she *had* to call just as I went into the pushing stage. Stupid me I picked up the bedside phone thinking she had some emergency. Otherwise why would any rational person call me (she knew I was in labor because DH had called her a few hours earlier) and had to tell her "No, this is not a good time to talk!" :lol

[hairpin]

Wow. You all make me feel so much better for not deciding to call my mom. I was initially thinking I would just give her a call to let her know, until she hinted her intentions on Thanksgiving by saying "You are going to have a huge line of people waiting for you in the waiting room, when you go into labor." NO! The last thing we need to feel is rushed and have people waiting on us.

As well, we all need time to bond with our babies, including breastfeeding before getting swooped up in the family circus. And I know I'm going to be an emotional mess. So I've made the commitment to not call until at least 2 hours after birth, maybe more.

:blah Also, I know my mom doesn't deal with stress all that well. At my wedding she was smoking, and she hates cigarettes. When I told her I was having sex, she kind of lost it and told me she wanted a drink. And the first time I went to a gyno appointment (at a pretty early age because of family history), she was standing right next to the doctor looking at my popo and asking questions what this and that was. :lol So, no, I don't think so!

[philomom]

I did not call anyone. I wanted this to be private bonding time with dh, me and the new baby. I cannot do that when folks are trying to barge in on me. Call them when it's over and tell them your rules for stopping by.

[LolaEight]

With my 1st, we were dumb enough to call the whole family in the beginning of the labor. We have *15* people in the waiting room wating for me to deliver my kid for 12 hours. It was a nightmare.

The 2nd kid, we called the family when he was BORN. Much easier. Then I got covered up in visitors at the hospital.

This time, we are going to call only family when the kid is here, and call everyone else when we get HOME from the hospital.

I totally understand where you are coming from, and I say don't call a soul until YOU are ready!!!!!

[bellalunalovebunny]

Thanks it's been a long time coming. :o My mom & dad have been controlling my life for so long it was very hard to finally start standing up to them. It has gotten much easier over the last 2 years. They hate it :lol

My mil hates it and my fil says he fears me cause he knows i'll put him in his place. :wink

[starlein26]

i didn't tell anyone either...i knew i didn't want anyone there but i thought that maybe i might call them to let them know i was in labor but when my water broke things progressed so fast and intensely that i never actually thought to call anyone...i'm really glad i didn't too! :D

[Jish]

We didn't tell anyone with our first, but called the parents a couple hours later because my mom and stepdad were in town visiting my stepdad's daughter who had a baby 5 days before me. It happened to be Mother's day and we figured if we didn't call them before they left town we would never hear the end of it. So, they showed up as well as dh's parents who live an hour away and everyone stayed past 10:00pm. Of course, I had been in labor all night the night before and hadn't slept in more than 36 hours and the last thing I wanted was people in my room until all hours of the night.

With 2 and 3 dh's mother knew because she was our baby sitter. I somehow always seem to go into labor at night so even she doesn't bother us because she's asleep. Frankly, I don't want anyone at the hospital that first day because I'm so exhausted from being up all night that I really need to sleep. This time around my mom and stepdad will be back from Florida for the summer so they will be able to visit, but I'll be putting strict rules on how long they can stay. With my second they planted themselves on the couch in my room for about 8 hours the day after I delivered. I was ready to kill them. I didn't even get to choose what was on the television. :irked:

[*guest]

I'll probably call my mom and dad, but only because they have at least a 14 hour drive ahead of them. I wouldn't mind them being at the birth since they've homebirthed before themselves and know the drill about staying out of the way. They are also the types to cook and do laundry, which I won't turn down. As for the in-laws, well, they live 5 minutes away. No call for them! We have a closed circuit tv security system, so we can see whoever rings the doorbell. Only the midwife and doula are getting through, hehe.

[Brown Lioness]

Not a mama yet, but i agree with the OP, i dont foresee me telling anyone anything until im ready. I already know that it will make some people mad, but oh well, they wont be having the baby, I will!

Plus, it always grossed me out to be watching those baby shows and the whole entire family is THERE in the labor and delivery room, watching her dialating STUFF and watching and hearing her every grunt and groan. Lil kids and everything! That just never sat well with me, lol.


I think when we finally get pregnant, i wont tell anyone until after the first 3 months, and even then I will pick VERY carefully who I tell, then when i go into labor, noone will know until a few hours after the birth. We're a very private couple anyway, so I dont see this being very hard for us to do, lol.

[mommystinch]

Despite their demands, I did not call my parents when I was in labor with dd. However, out of fear for getting yelled at (also very manipulative, guilt laying parents), dh called them when I was pushing. Bit Mistake!!!!!! Dd had a lot of fluid in her lungs, and there was a lot of commotion at the birth center trying to clear her up and deciding whether to send her to the hospital. As soon as they caught on, my parents felt they deserved to be in the room with us, and would not leave us alone. Then, when dd was transfered, I had to deal with them babying me when I did not want them anywhere near me. It kept getting worse. Dh and I couldn't deal with what was going on the way we truely needed to with them around, and even when they were gone, they kept overstepping boundries. My mother actually called the NICU multiple times, demanding an update about dd, and kept showing up at the hospital uninvited and unexpected. On top of it all, she is a huge exagerater, always thinks the worse, and won't listen to reason. So, even though there was never a time where dd life looked to be in danger, she told our entire family that dd was "on death's doorstep." I kid you not... my family thought that dd would never be leaving the hospital.

Now, we have no idea what to do this time around. The birth center requires that we have someone to be there with dd, and I know we can't plan on taking care of her needs while I am giving birth. My mother has already made numerous comments, expecting that she is going to be there. Even though I still have over a month, she has told me she has a change of clothes in her car, she has started carrying a pager, and she is going to keep snacks and drinks in her car with dd. On top of being intrusive, she is very controlling, and I know that I will have a hard time progressing if I am worrying about what is going on in the next room with her and dd. I am even worried that she won't "let" dd come back to me if she wants, which would truely piss me off. Either that, or she would feel like she gets to come back too. Heck, I couldn't even stand her touching dd when she was out of the NICU. I have pictures where I am in the background giving her a death stare while she was holding my daughter. I have a friend who is willing to be there, and I am much more comfortable with that. However, I know that not calling my mom is going to cause a huge scene. But you know what? I don't want her around until we are ready, which will probably be a while after we bring our family home.

[aprilushka]

I'm not going to tell anyone when I'm in early labor, not even DH. When I'm ready to fill up the pool I'll tell him and think about calling my mw before things get too intense. That is of course unless things go really fast and I have no choice but to move along quickly.

[Getz]

This thread has made me feel so much better!

DH and I have been battling this issue for months. I don't want people (his bro and dad namely) at the hospital until after the baby is here and I am ready for visitors.

He wanted them in the waiting room the whole time, for them to come in the room moments after birth (with me spread eagle on the table) and then they would leave again till I was ready for visitors. Um, NO NO NO.

I understand that it is his son too, but I am the one giving birth!

We have sinced moved farther away and I am going to be induced which has made it worse. They all want to be there when the induction starts. Why can't anyone respect the woman pushing the kid out!

DH has finally accepted that no one comes to the hospital until invited by ME. But it was such a fight. I was tempted to have this kid without DH there, just to get some peace!

[mariposita]

i didn't tell anyone either time, even though our families asked us to.

i even talked on the phone with my dad, who is a doctor, on the phone for ten minutes while my contractions were 4 minutes apart and didn't tell him!!!