just checking back in

[mamagoose]

hello mamas -- I've been away from mdc for a few weeks, first away for the holidays and then my internet access was down. I'm still really struggling. I function ok during the day at work, but am sad most evenings at home w/o dh. We are still on good terms and are still talking, and recently had a conversation in which he said it was still possible that he'll want to come back, he just doesn't know when or how and we agreed to keep each other posted on how we're each feeling re: the possibility of reuniting. He says he misses me, and misses ds, but he just doesn't seem to miss me or to be as sad as I am. I guess that's because he's the one whose feelings changed. We spent the day together on Sunday with ds, the first really substantial amount of time we'd spent together since he moved out in Dec, and it was great but the next day I felt even worse because I realized how much I missed being with him.

I am trying to focus on the personal issues I need to work on, and on ds, but I'm still so sad. I feel like I just have to ride this out, see how things pan out, give it some more time before I can know for sure how I really feel. It's hard to be in such a painful, uncertain state. Sigh. Thanks for listening.

[BelovedK]

I'm sorry you're hurting. The worst thing is the limbo, don't let him keep youm there..just refuse to go there. I spent a good year in limbo with my X, now that I've moved on , we even get along better. We also had an amicable split up but he was the one harboring fantasies about getting back together. I have to admit that i held him in limbo bc I didn't want him to move on (i was afraid and unsure of my decision) Don't let your X do that to you. I know it is hard. I wish you the best in your decision.

[trinity6232000]

I'm sorry you're hurting. The worst thing is the limbo, don't let him keep youm there..just refuse to go there. I spent a good year in limbo with my X, now that I've moved on , we even get along better. We also had an amicable split up but he was the one harboring fantasies about getting back together. I have to admit that i held him in limbo bc I didn't want him to move on (i was afraid and unsure of my decision) Don't let your X do that to you. I know it is hard. I wish you the best in your decision.

:yeah: I have to agree. Limbo is cruel. It keeps us from moving on
and coming to terms with our lives. I might get flamed for this but.....
I think us women sometimes try to think too many situations to death.
Men aren't as complicated as we like to think. When they are in it
they are in it, and when they are not, they aren't. I've been there.
Reading too much into things my ex said or did. Believing these were
clues of his feelings. When I should have been moving on I was holding
on.

We ladies deserve more. There is more. Why should we wait for
somebody to make up their mind so that our lives can move forward?

Take care of you. :heartbeat

[annarbor931]

You won't get flamed from me. I totally agree. Actions speak louder than words anyway. He left, it is over. At least, that's how I see it. Good luck, mama!!! I am sorry that you are hurting.

[Katt2005]

I'm not sure if I remember correctly, but aren't you guys on a break so he can work his feeling out about himself and his dependence on people his whole life? I'm glad to see you are both still communicating nicely, that helps some. Has he figured anything out yet? Is he in couseling to help deal with his issues? I really hope this all comes to and end soon for your peace of mind. Does he realize what kind of stress and heartache is involved in waiting for someone when there is no guarantee in the outcome?
On one hand, I want to tell you to tell him how you feel about all this, but at the same time I want to tell you to act as though your okay, your surviving and can make it on your own with out him. Maybe part of his issues with dependency (if thats what it was) are more of a problem and harder for him when there is someone else "in his eyes" depending on him. How can someone be the best person they can be and be secure within themselves, when they don't even know who they are? So what I'm saying is, maybe by showing him, your not dependant on him and don't *need* him, that might help his process. I really hope things work out! :throb

[Jster]

You won't get flamed from me. I totally agree. Actions speak louder than words anyway. He left, it is over. At least, that's how I see it. Good luck, mama!!! I am sorry that you are hurting.

:yeah:

I have to agree as well. Unfortunately, him being willing to put you through all this demonstrates the sort of selfishness that doesn't jive with a marriage. How would you feel if your daughter were in this situation?

I also can totally sympathize with your longing for him...it hurts so bad. But what you really want is someone who wouldn't do this in the first place, right? Is it more the idea of him (and you can ignore the reality when you're together and "pretending" that he hasn't hurt you so much and left)? I found that was what I was longing for...not the person who'd hurt me, but the person I thought he was (one who would never hurt me). Because if it had come down to marrying someone who I knew could just walk out on me, I never would have done it. I had to realize that he was making his choices, not that he was about to make a choice. He'd already made it. And that seems somewhat similar to your situation...he's already decided to move out, now he's deciding something else.

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain...so much grief...and feeling so lost. It is horrible, but it really can get better and letting go and moving on was what did it for me.

(and if none of this seems to help...ignore it! You've got too much on your plate, I don't want to make you feel worse, just trying to, I guess, give you permission to express how the hurt feels and how angry you probably are that someone who supposedly loved you would hurt you so much.)

[Jilian]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I'm so sorry you are hurt :hug Try to let it all go. Hanging on to something that is not there and may never return will only hurt you more. It's not fair of him to string you along. He cannot have his cake and eat it too, he wanted to leave so let go of him. Let him know what it's really like to have a life without you. Then, and only then, will he be able to decide if this is what he wants. Consider him gone, if he comes back then so be it, but you need to let him go and be able to move on. You won't stop hurting until you let him go.

Do you have any hobbies? Keep yourself busy. Start a new hobbie or craft to keep you busy. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones. You'll get through this. :hug

[MsChatsAlot]

You're in a difficult situation with no easy solutions. You've gotten some great advice here.

I understand that feeling of wanting to keep working on the hope that your marriage might come back together. I also agree that his actions are speaking louder than his words right now.

I have found the best thing to do in this type of situation is to free yourself from limbo. Move forward in your life without him. Do what you need to do to cut ties as much as possible and set up new support systems and such. If your marriage is going to work, you will be stronger, more independent and healthier because of this break. You will be taking control of your life and living in a way that nurtures and supports you, not allows you to be at the mercy of another or stuck in limbo.

Moving forward does not mean you are turning your back on your marriage. If you marriage is going to work, you likely need to find a way to stand on your own a little more anyway. If it's not going to work, you are already taking steps to create your own life anyway. Moving forward means you are owning your own power. Moving forward means you are taking care of yourself and that is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and our families.

I am sending you much love and peace as you work through these difficult emotions.