two weeks later: breaking up with H (again)

[chiedza]

Two weeks ago or so I posted here that I had broken up with H, but then during the week he was looking for an apartment and we were working out emotions and details, I changed my mind (or thought so) and agreed to work things out. I had posted about all that here and got some great support from MDC mamas.

Well, two days after I changed my mind ... I realized I had made a big mistake. It took me a week or two to work things out in my own head, but I told H again this past Sunday that I want to split up. He wanted AGAIN for us to work it out and I sort of left it up in the air, because it's so hard for me to tell him how I feel when it obviously hurts him so much. But yesterday I emailed him some apartment listings and that's when he realized I'm really serious this time. I'm also trying to keep my distance a bit this time so I don't confuse feeling sorry for him (and guilty!) for wanting to be in this relationship.

Now he's really angry -- last time he wasn't because he thought he could just do whatever I wanted and it would all work out. I thought last time was hard, but it's harder to have him angry.

Just venting here, I guess. Like last time, my best friend is still out of the country and I have no-one to really talk to about all this. :crying

I'm all mixed up -- relieved/happy to be starting a new life, frustrated that I'm still waiting for that really to happen because he hasn't moved out yet, guilty for doing this to him & DS (age 3.5), angry in a reactive way to his anger toward me, and nervous about what the future holds.

[Haydee]

I'm in a similar situation, and I agree, it sucks! I hope things can work out ok for you.

[MsChatsAlot]

It is difficult, but you're not responsible for his feelings. Of course he feels hurt and angry right now, but it will likely pass or at least weaken more as time goes on. Many of us resist change and it takes a little time to adjust. He will find a way to be okay and move forward with his life.

I believe it is so important for us to be happy and if you were truly done with this relationship, it is better for you to end it than drag it out any longer, preventing the both of you from moving forward and setting an unhealthy example for your child.

The decision part and initial transition seem to be the hardest. From there everything does get easier as everyone moves into their new lives.

Hang in there and come here for support as often as you like and/or need too. Many of us have been through similar experiences and are always open to offering support or a place to vent.

[*~Danielle~*]

I feel for you right now and your emotions. I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever your looking for to make you happy outside of your marriage, won't make you happy. I've known several people who have left their spouses thinking that they would be happy and find themselves, when reality hit, they were more alone and regretful for ending their relationships.

Feelings come and go and I think you've been experiencing this. Some weeks are good, some months are bad and there is a rhythm to life. You've put time and energy into this relationship, you should get marital counseling to see if it helps. Love is commitment, and I think your ds will suffer from you leaving or forcing dh to leave you. My husbands parents divorced and it tore him up. His mother tells me all the time that it was the biggest mistake she ever made. She says she should have stayed. You can work through your feelings and you can stay in this marriage, but it will take work.

Your ds will be emotionally shattered. He will not understand why and he will feel abandoned by dh, he won't trust you and things will not be better. You may in time start dating and so you will be bringing different men into your ds life and some may stay, some may not but he will not have stability. You will be bringing more distress into his life this way. I will probably be the only voice saying this, but, what you are doing is selfish and your son will suffer greatly. He will learn many things from this hard lesson as will you, but he will learn to model his relationships after what you have done. He will learn to leave when things get tough, he will learn to leave when he doesn't feel like staying, he will not finish things and he will ultimately blame you. No good will come from you leaving dh or making him leave...sadly, if you go through with this and continue to put walls between you and dh it will be too late to repair.

We live in a society that says, "do what makes you feel good and happy no matter the cost." Please, meditate on the cost to you and dh and your son. It is a lie to think that this will make you happy.

[MsChatsAlot]

Your ds will be emotionally shattered. He will not understand why and he will feel abandoned by dh, he won't trust you and things will not be better. You may in time start dating and so you will be bringing different men into your ds life and some may stay, some may not but he will not have stability. You will be bringing more distress into his life this way. I will probably be the only voice saying this, but, what you are doing is selfish and your son will suffer greatly. He will learn many things from this hard lesson as will you, but he will learn to model his relationships after what you have done. He will learn to leave when things get tough, he will learn to leave when he doesn't feel like staying, he will not finish things and he will ultimately blame you. No good will come from you leaving dh or making him leave...sadly, if you go through with this and continue to put walls between you and dh it will be too late to repair.

We live in a society that says, "do what makes you feel good and happy no matter the cost." Please, meditate on the cost to you and dh and your son. It is a lie to think that this will make you happy.

I don't think it is fair to come here and tell another mom what is GOING to happen to her child. None of us know and while what you have stated is a possibility, it is only one possibility and may never happen. And quite honestly, I think it's unfair to project that onto this woman or her child.

I do not know this woman's entire situation. I don't know why she feels so compelled to leave this marriage. But, it obviously has not been an easy decision for her and there isn't one of us here that makes selfish decisions without any regard for our children.

Another very real possibility is that she stays and her child sees and models his relationships after a love-less, non-committal, staying together for some ridiculous reason rather than moving forward, following our heart and finding what truly feels best in our hearts. Her son may grow up to feel like he can settle for less than the best in life. That he can be treated horribly or have no respect for himself or any one else.

While I agree with you that some people leave their marriage thinking the "grass is greener on the other side", there are also many of us who leave because of many other legitimate reasons. I do think there are some people who just treat marriage like some clothes they try on and when they don't work, they move on. However, I have been on this single parenting site for 5 years and I can tell you that the women (and men) here are not those kinds of people. They tend to be people who have given it every effort and more. Who have tried counseling, tried books, plans, communication and finally reach a point where they need to leave for their own well-being.

I just felt your comments were not fair to this person, especially considering none of us know the entire situation. I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt than assume she's being selfish.

[chiedza]

Thanks for standing up for me, MsChatsALot. I agree that Danielle was really rude. I come to MDC for support. That doesn't mean I expect everyone to agree with me, but I don't expect to be attacked for my choices.

I have been unhappy with H for two years. Not all the time, but enough to make me seriously question everything. I have been trying to work things out all that time, and even more so in the last six months, and then yet even more the last month. But the more I work on our relationship the more I realize it is not fixable. I do feel selfish in some ways, but I believe that -- eventually -- all of us (me, H and DS) can be happy.

I think Danielle's attitude is a common one though. I get from my mom (without the accusations of selfishness) -- she thinks people are better off married, period. But that comes from her own experience of being rejected by my dad (who she wasn't actually married to in the first place) and of just wanting to be in a relationship. After my dad, she was in what I consider to be an abusive relationship (emotionally) but would never leave because she preferred that to being alone. Now her husband has passed away and she is -- at 65 -- learning to live on her own.

I am a feminist and I don't believe that people need to be married to be happy. I grew up in a "divorced" family and don't believe kids need to have married parents to be happy. There's so much more I could say on this subject, but as I've already indicated, I don't think I should have to come here to defend myself.

[earthmama369]

Whatever your looking for to make you happy outside of your marriage, won't make you happy. [...] My husbands parents divorced and it tore him up.

It sounds like you're projecting your own (or in this case, your husband's) emotional experiences onto someone else's situation. If I were to do the same, I would say that my husband's parents are divorcing after almost 30 years of marriage and their children are very angry at them -- for not doing this earlier. They had an emotionally abusive, codependent relationship that tore their children up. All the counseling, second (third, fifteenth) tries, etc., didn't make their relationship work.

This is true. Does that make my husband's experience true for everyone? No. I would caution you to be very careful about applying black-and-white generalities to a situation you're unfamiliar with.


:hug to the OP. Deciding to work on a relationship and deciding to leave one are both intense decisions. It sounds like you've done a lot of soul-searching to reach the point you're at. Good luck to you.

[*~Danielle~*]

:Hug Take my comments in the spirit they were intended which is concern and giving you a side that you won't get from others. People really want to tell you everything is going to be okay and they will tickle your ears with what they think you want to hear.

I wanted to tell you from my perspective, yes, my experience with my husbands baggage, and others for whom are sorry they divorced their spouse. You need to be aware that your actions will affect your son. You'll get a huge response from others stating I'm being rude. My comment was sincere and not delivered in an angry tone at all. :innocent

It obviously wasn't an "approved" response by the majority but think about what I've said, it will likely be the only other perspective you get on this tender subject. I emplore you to give your marriage time and reconsider all the variables. Much love is sent your way.

[MsChatsAlot]

Danielle,

I agree that it is good to hear aother points of view.

I do not sugar-coat things or tell people what they want to hear on this site. I do offer honesty, compassion and support.

When people come to this site asking "do I stay or do I leave" we often get a wide variety of responses for both sides of the argument. Most often we encourage them to really make every effort possible in their marriage and make darn sure they know what they are getting into before they divorce. I completely agree with you that often times people think that divorcing will magically make their problems with their ex go away, when reality is, it doesn't. On this site we make sure everyone who asks that question understands it's not the easy way out.

But, when people come to this site, (like the OP) saying "It's over" then, those of us who have lived it, know, that what is needed is support and encouragement. It is a very difficult place to be realizing that your marriage is not fixable, not going to work, it really and truly is over. It haunts us as mothers, the guilt (whether we left or not) and not a moment goes by when we aren't considering how it could affect our children.

Does divorce affect my kids. Of course. Did a miserable, stressful, daily life of anger and tension affect my kids. Of course. Could I fix my marriage alone? No. I had to do what was best in the end because ultimately, I could only change myself.

Everything we do as people has the potential to affect our children. Instead of sheltering out kids from difficult life events, it is more important to give them tools to handle difficult situations and use them as opportunities for growth instead of letting it beat them down for life.

There are no perfect situations. I have great respect for the women here and no, none us got here easily or without some remorse. But, we take each day in stride, do the best we can as single parents, and help each other out the best way we know how.

[chiedza]

Danielle,

What you said may not have been in an angry tone but that doesn't make it any less rude. I would not have found it rude if you had suggested we seek counseling, suggested that divorce doesn't always solve problems, etc. But instead you act as if you are a psychic making predictive statements such as:

"What you're looking for ... won't make you happy."
"Your ds will be emotionally shattered. He will not understand why and he will feel abandoned by dh, he won't trust you and things will not be better."
"... he will not have stability. You will be bringing more distress into his life this way."
"your son will suffer greatly"
"He will learn to leave when things get tough, he will learn to leave when he doesn't feel like staying, he will not finish things and he will ultimately blame you. No good will come from you leaving dh or making him leave"

To everyone ELSE on this forum (and the mods),

are there rules for this forum? (There are for Gentle Discipline and Working Mamas, etc.) It seems like one for this one should be that posters actually are (or have been or might be, etc.) single parents -- not just anyone who wants to comment on single parents' choices.

I'm also interested in Danielle's comment, "he (DS) will learn to model his relationships after what you have done." While I hope her elaboration on that theme is not true for my DS, I wouldn't mind if he learned not to valorize marriage. When I was younger I didn't want to ever get married, thought of it as a sexist (and unnecessary) institution -- if people want to be together they should, no need for marriage. H thought the same way, as I recall. But after a period when we broke up for 6 months while dating because he had fallen for someone else, we got back together and when he asked me to marry him I thought that doing so would give me the security I had lost when he violated my trust in him. Now I'm back to thinking there's no real need for marriage, and it will be fine with me if DS learns this from me.

[Katt2005]

Do what you gotta do mama. Take care and good luck on your new journey. We are here if you need us. :heartbeat

[chiedza]

Thanks, Kat. I guess more than just venting I was trying to join this community of other single parents. That's why I got frustrated by Danielle, not a single parent.

[jakesmama]

OP, I just wanted to send hugs your way. Leaving a relationship (esp. when there are children) is such a hard thing to do. It took me many starts and stops to leave ds's father...and we weren't married. In retrospect, I am so glad I made this decision when I finally did. Any longer in that situation and I would have been doing myself and my son a disservice. We may not know all the nuances of your relationship, so we can't tell you to stay or go...this is best left in your (very competent) hands. I am glad for you that you have made your decision as this (for me at least) seems to be the hardest part.

Please take care of yourself and your son...let us know how things are going for you. We are here to support you...there's lots of wisdom on these boards!

[DigitalSuze]

Just wanted to chime in and say that I'm divorced. Five years later, I'm not one bit sorry I did it. My 10 y.o. ds is a happy, well-adjusted empathetic child. Certainly he *wishes* his parents were together (or it may simply be he wishes he could see his father more. I don't think you and your ex will have those issues, by the sounds of it), but he's still a happy kid. He loves my dp, and is super-excited about his new brother or sister who will arrive in August.

I remember getting a letter much like Danielle's post after I left my husband. While I'm not suggesting that Danielle is in the same situation, the author of the letter was seriously miserable with her husband and never missed a chance to tear him down. I think it just bugged her that I didn't accept my marriage as fate, or irrevocable.

Good luck, mama. This will be hard, and you will question yourself countless times. People like Danielle may mean well, but they can't speak for you, or make your choices for you. There's no doubt in my mind that you can come out stronger and happier on the other side, if that is your choice.

[Raynbow]

I do understand what Danielle is saying - and her comments do have a place - there are people who walk away from a good, but boring or less then passionate marriage for a fiery, passionate affair (my stbxH for example), but I don't see that in the OP.

I walked away from my marriage with my older son's father almost 12 years ago.
He was unfaithful, immature and dishonest. I left because I realized I didn't want my son growing up thinking that husbands treated thier wives that way - or that wives tolerated it! It was the best thing I ever did. 12 years later and he is pretty much the same man, but I've raised our son to know that real men do NOT cheat on their wives. He is happy and well-adjusted. He never knew us together, so he doesn't miss it... :)

[chiedza]

I do understand what Danielle is saying - and her comments do have a place

But is that place the Single Parenting forum? Now if I had posted my exact message in Parents as Partners, I would have had a higher tolerance for Danielle's comments.

[BelovedK]

But is that place the Single Parenting forum? Now if I had posted my exact message in Parents as Partners, I would have had a higher tolerance for Danielle's comments.


You have a good point, I'm not sure of the answer, I thought it was rude as well, albeit well meaning. You are welcomed here with open arms. I'm sure I speak for most all of the other SP mamas (don't I?)

[chiedza]

Thanks, BelovedK! I do feel welcomed, in general, despite Danielle's comments (which -- I think -- indicate an "unwelcoming" attitude toward single parents in general, or at least toward those who choose to end their relationships). I've already posted a bunch of more specific threads and gotten great advice and support!

[Bad Mama Jama]

I think we have to wrap our arms around one another and encourage each other. We have enough people that bash us out there. The main thing is that we are single mamas for a reason. No one just ups and leaves a fully functional relationship that is based in love.

We leave people who cheat on us, abuse us, neglect us, etc. Each of us could probably fill in her own blank on that one...

I just say all of this to say that we do need to see everything from both sides, but not neglect that this is her reality and none of us know what it's like behind her doors.

Myself, I like peace and quiet and having my daughter raised in a home where we don't live in fear, now that's priceless...