Heather has one mommy? (any single queer parents?)

[max_4477]

Just wondering if there are others around here. Maybe we can discuss a bit - things like suddenly "passing" as straight with a baby, how to be involved with queer community when we;re single parenting (= exhausted), etc. Hmm, also the queer community'sreception of us - my local queere parenting group leader was all friendly but got weird on me whenshe found out I'm single. Like I'm not the perfect lesbian poster-parent forthe community or some such.

Anyway...any others?

-max.

[Zooran]

Max,

My partner is moving about an hour away and I will be a single parent by next weekend. I am with you girl!! I haven't even thought about the gay parenting groups because I don't know of any single parents in the gay community here.
Besides, I am not up for any dating at the moment. I need to get my heart put back together and shrug off my depressed attitude. I think some of the straight single moms groups are probably a bit better than any lesbian group. I look forward to chatting with you again soon!

Kellie

[madison]

I'm a single mother by choice - baby is due in July :D

Shame on your parenting group facilitator, max! She needs to get a life, lol! I actually know quite a few single lesbian moms. And the gay dads group in town - geez, they have 60 single gay dads alone out of a total of 300 families! I'm pretty fortunate that I live in LA, though, and there are huge parenting groups.

I facilitate a co-gender group for prospective LGBT parents for the LA Gay & Lesbian Center. I also am a very VOCAL single mom-to-be and ensure others like me feel welcome and represented at any group/meeting etc. :) I'm also part of the Family Alliance, the leadership of all the parenting groups and interrested parties (like MCC, queer-friendly churches & synagogues, PFLAG, etc), and we meet quarterly to discuss the status of parenting resources in our area, what needs are being met, what needs still need to be addressed in our community. Maybe you can look into your area (or closest) LGBT Center and see what resources they have. Surely if you've thought about needing support, others have also! And that's a good place to start looking. Try a bulletin board and see how many others are also looking for support/play groups. You might be pleasantly surprised!

But yeah, Max, I do worry some about my single mother status making me look like I'm a straight single mom. I mean, golly, SOME day I might want to date again! I guess I'll have to find that "Mommy Queerest" shirt and wear it alot, LOL! Or maybe I'll buy some rainbow patches at JoAnne's Crafts and sew them onto my kid's diaper wraps this summer, hehehe! And I really do "look straight", so to speak, but if you talk to me for more than a minute you'll find out I'm not :D I'm not sure how else to appear to be queerer - or if I want to - but all's I can do is not shy away from the subject if someone brings it up. Someone is always bound to ask "Does he have his daddy's eyes?" or "Does he get his height from his dad?" and I can bring it up that his "biological father" is a sperm donor and that I'm a lesbian single mother by choice.

Zooran, I'm sorry to hear about your break up. That's always so hard. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. {{{Zooran}}}

:hippie

[Bladestar5]

I am not "queer" but I have a friend who is. She is a single parent. She has a little boy. The next time I see her, I will have to tell her about Mdc.

[max_4477]

Zooran, my heart goes out to you during this hard transition. I can't imagine managing a breakup while parenting.

Madison, the rural midwest ain't LA, baby! The parenting group i mentioned *is* at the closest local GLBTQ (although they only say G/L, oy) resource center! And there are only partnered lesbians, not even any men in it. Not really my scene, They're mostly all considerably older and more mainstream than I. I'm pretty fine just hanging out with my childless or straight friends, but I do want my kiddo to see other queer families, you know. Well, we won't live here forever.

I'm pretty frank and very "out" about the donor issue, and people have for the most part been respectful of it, which is nice. But people definitely assume I'm partnered when they see me with a little baby. Which is weird since right now I feel like I may nver date again, *sigh*.

[madison]

Hey Max,

Is there a PFLAG chapter near/in your town? They might know of some more queer parents who don't attend that other meeting. Have you tried some of the national organizations?

m

:hippie

[geekmom]

I'm a single lesbian parent of 4 (currently). I would love to connect with others in this situation. I find that when I read message groups of single (straight) parents they spend all their time talking about how to get the child support they're due.

I started parenting partnered. We had a foster son. When I said I wanted another she left. She said she didn't really want any children. After she left I opened my house to more children. I have been very happy parenting singally. I find that the energy that I used to expend on my partner I now give to my kids. I have a lot of support and just don't find this too difficult.

I'm very lucky to live in a very gay-conscious area so I'm pretty much never seen as straight. There are always other gay parents, single parents and foster parents in all of my kids' schools and day cares.

[madison]

geekmom,

Wow, 4! You're lucky, I'd love to have that many! :)

Yesterday was the first time in a long, long time I've wished for a partner ~ only because I FORGOT TO GO TO MY FIRST CHILDBIRTH CLASS ~ and a partner would have reminded me, lol! :rolleyes:

:hippie

[Zooran]

I have a great deal of respect for you guys for doing this alone. I only have the one, but feel like its a challenge every day. Here's to all of us single parents!!:thumb

[fjkelly]

Max, I'm planning on becoming a single queer mother by choice. I'll start TTC in August 08 with a KD. I live in Vancouver, BC (Canada) and I'm very involved in the progressive queer community here, but when it comes to parenting things suddenly become way more conservative. I have been made to feel a bit unwelcome in some prospective queer parenting groups, though I have also met some other single moms and prospective single moms who I have found almost instant bonds with. I'm astounded that our community, which talks so much about acceptance of difference, does so badly on this issue. My thoughts are with you!

[FtMPapa]

I *was* a single by choice wannabe parent.

I'm currently on an indefinite TTC break while my partners and I work our our Issoos (TM) around the fact that I want babies NOW! and we as a unit of 3 need to work on that before bringing a fourth (or fifth!) into our family.

I'm also trying to work on our finances in a big way.

I'm glad to see other people from WMA and from Canada here on this thread!

I still identify *A LOT* with single parents by choice, because my relationship is new, but also because I'm the one who wants the baby in our house - before I came along, there was no talk of babies, ever.

[erintigs]

I am also a single queer woman who is currently TTC my first child. Its great to see this discussion on here. I live in Seattle and run our local Maybe Baby group (for queer folks that want to have children), so I've made sure its welcoming - though as far as I know (some people don't come to meetings but are just on our listserve), I'm the only one who's single, and that can be tough at times.

I'm actually thinking about developing a website for single queer moms by choice - sort of a listserve/resource place, since I haven't found many resources out there - all the queer stuff seems to be for couples and all the single mom stuff seems to be for straight women (except the book Knock Yourself Up which was written by a lesbian).

Nice to meet you all.
Erin

[thismama]

Single mama over here too! I conceived and coparent my 4 year old with a fag friend, and I solo parent my newborn. It's a great gig. :love

[fjkelly]

Erin, I agree there are very few resources for queer single mothers by choice. My SMC group has been quite welcoming (only one woman told me I might be better off in a lesbian and gay group), but there's been a few things they struggle with. Because I have a known donor they assume he's parenting with me. They don't have any familiarity with queer families and the role known donors often play. They just assume that he's "daddy" and therefore I'm not a single mom. Things have got better now that there's three queer SMC's in the group. On the other hand, I'm part of a queer moms and moms-to-be group at a local midwifery practice, and they are totally couply and I end up feeling pretty left out at times. Both groups are great in many ways, but it would be wonderful to have some peers of my own!

[wemoon]

Single lesbian mom here. I had my kids in a hetero relationship and was then single for about 2 years while I 'found myself' and found myself a girlfriend who I have now been dating for 2 1/2 years.

I know of other lesbian parents, but no other single lesbian parents. I do not really prefer to hang out with these people, not because they arn't nice enough or whatever, it just isn't quite my scene. I have straight parent friends and lesbian non-parent friends. I have some single parent friends. I connect with people, not their sexuality.

[kjm]

yup, I'm joining the ranks of y'all

My partner of 4 1/2 years has decided that she doesn't want to have a baby, nor does she want to stay in a monogamous relationship--but I am firmly committed to making this baby and I cannot deal with the ups and downs of TTC coupled with the roller coaster of polyamory. I did my first "ALL BY MYSELF" insemination last night--it was bitter sweet.

Its strange, because I was raised by a mom who was mostly single during my youth, I always thought I'd be a single mom, but it was nice to have a partner in the picture for a little while--Time to get back to my roots!!

[theaterbug]

Another one to join the club! Single lesbian mom.

DD was concived one night after a few too many shots of Yegger to celebrate a friend's 18th b-day (and my 17th). My frined looked at me and say "So, I've never slept with a girl, and you've never slept with a guy, and we need to figure this whole sexuality thing out" to which I responded "Whats this 'we', maybe you do, but I've got it all figured out. I like girls. Mostly that one over by the stero in the pink shirt" which was responded by "Dude, how do you know you don't like guys if you've never slept with one", at 17 with some booze in you, this seems like a very logical argument! So, we DTD, and I discovered, not so shockingly, we were both gayer then Elton John's wardrobe. Afterwards he just looked me and said "Ok, I figured it out. You like girls. And I don't", which was as close as he ever came to "coming out" in high school.

So flash foward to winter break, and I'm sick as a dog. All the time. So finally I drag my lazy butt into the doctor. First question is "Do you think you might be pregnant", I easily respond that of course I couldn't be pregnant, I'm a lesbian. But then he says "And you've never had sex with a guy, not even once?"....well....damn. He gives me a pregnancy test and guess what? Yep, I'm all knocked up. It was kind of funny telling my friend. But I loved my dad's response "Ya know, when you told me you were gay when you were 13, I thought that meant I'd never have to deal with this". I was really lucky though to have his support.

So now, I'm 21, and I'm a very happy single mom. Dylan's dad is in her life though. Which is great. Unfortuently after community college (when Dylan was 2), he got a full ride scholorship to a college about 4 hours away. So we don't get to see him as much as we'd like. Summer, winter break, and a few weekends when we can is about it. Luckily, there is internet and unlimited cell phone minutes. He's graduating soon (like next week soon!), and then we'll all be close together again.

Its hard when its the two of us together with her. We've been friends for so long, and we have a kid together, so everyone assumes that we're together and happy heteros. And Max, I totally understand the whole "not the poster child for lesbian moms" feeling. I get that a lot. I live in a pretty liberal are, but still, people are just, well, stupid sometimes.

My biggest problem though, DATING. Ugh, the dreaded D word. Maybe its my age, but as soon as the words "I have a kid" are mentioned, the girl has an early meeting, even though she works as a bartender. I even tried some on-line dating, but mostly I got women in their 30s and 40s intreasted. I mean, I have nothing against women in their 30s and 40s, or even age differences in relationships, but I'm kind of looking for a girl closer to my age. I've dated older women, and well, its never really worked out. I once dated a woman 12 years older then me and she actually said she really liked me but I was just kind of "immature" for her. I was 16 at the time (pre-kid), she was 28. Um, yeah I was kind of immature. I was 16!

Ok, this turned out really much longer then I thought it would. So...sorry for the novel :D.