Should I decide who my DD's friends are, based on my personal needs?? (long)

[the_queen]

Here's my problem: I have an acquaintence, let's call her A, she has a daughter, let's call her B. B is the same age as my DD, 4 yrs 6 mths). I met A when I left my husband (DD was 2 yrs 1 month) and was put into crisis DV accomodation, and she was my neighbour. Although I had been clean (of drugs) for a long time, the DV situation had started me drinking again (at night time, after DD was in bed - I was someone who just liked to "get wasted", now I realise it was to avoid my emotions). When I met A, she asked me if I smoked pot. I am "impressionable" (re: substances) at the best of times, and at that point in my life I was alone, had nobody at all to turn to, no money, very emotionally screwed-up, scared, vulnerable, already in self-destruct mode etc etc. I do not blame her - I completely blame myself for doing drugs. But if I hadn't met her, then I possibly would not have started doing drugs again. And when I say "I did drugs", I don't mean that I'd have a joint on a Saturday night. I was smoking from first thing in the morning until last thing at night. I would be wasted by 8am. I was smoking every day.)
For the next 18 months, I was "close friends" with A; meaning that, because she sold me drugs I was her friend. Obviously we didn't just sit around smoking pot and not talking - we talked a lot, I just can't remember most of it :o . I'm sure I talked about personal stuff, because that's the kind of thing I did when I'm stoned. Discuss my personal life with all and sundry. Another thing for which I'm now horribly ashamed of myself.
While we would be out the back smoking pot, our daughters would be spending large amounts of time together. Some weeks, we'd see them every day. Some days, we'd spend all day over there. My DD slept over there quite a few times, B slept at our house quite a few times. Unfortunately, drugs were my number one priority, followed closely by DD, but to be perfectly honest I did do things (re: parenting) which I now 100% regret. And I am ashamed to say I was a bad mother because I was selfishly too concerned about myself and my drug use.
About 10 months after I'd met A, I began drug counselling. A thought I was an idiot for doing that, and was never supportive of my attempts to get clean. She offered me drugs, when I had specifically told her that I was trying to give up. This happened on more than one occasion.
Anyway, DH showed some remorse for the DV incidents, we went to counselling and eventually got back together, after being separated for 18 months. I cut back on smoking pot after we got back together, but unfortunately I found I could not give up completely. After we'd been back together for 7 months, and I'd been in counselling for about a year, I finally pulled my head out of my bum and GOT CLEAN :D I just gave up, I stopped waiting for "the moment" when I would be "ready to give up" - I just got real, and recognised that the only way to start being clean was to STOP doing drugs. For the first 8 weeks of my "new life" I didn't contact A at all. After about 10 weeks of being clean, I discovered I was almost 5 weeks pregnant. Since then my "cleanliness" has been much much easier, obviously. And every day I feel better and better, my thoughts are clearer, I am a much better mother, I am a much better wife, I am a much better PERSON all around. My DH is proud of me, my old friends are proud of me, I AM PROUD OF ME. I know I am never EVER going back to that lifestyle. Every other time in my life I have gotten clean, it has been for less-than-perfect-reasons, and I spent that "clean" time hanging out for the time when I can do drugs again. This time, I have fixed my emotional baggage, I have grown as a person, and I will NEVER go back to that life again.

OK this is where my problem begins. Since getting pregnant (I'm 25 weeks now) I haven't seen A very much at all. Probably 6 or 7 times. My DD therefore hasn't spent much time with B. They are "best friends". They love each other, they always have fun together, they play really well together, they honestly enjoy spending time together. But I just can't be around A. She "drags me down", she is a toxic friend. Now that I am clean, happy and moving forward with my life, I can see clearly that she is not someone I want to be friends with. I don't want anything to do with her, quite frankly. Apart from the drug issue, she is mentally ill, she abuses her daughter physically, she smokes (both pot and cigarettes) inside her house, she is negative about my parenting choices, she is very mainstream re: CIO, slinging, GD, etc.
But I am still a bit of a "people-pleaser", in that I don't like confrontation. If she comes over to our house for a coffee, I don't turn her away. But I don't want my DD going over to her house. She has asked me a few times lately if DD can have a sleepover, because "B really misses her". And she has said (of another "friend" who cut off contact with A for similar reasons) that it's not fair for the kids when something like that happens. I kinda agree with her on that one. My DD deserves to have a best friend, doesn't she? I feel like I should grow up, suck it up, be an adult about everything. But honestly, I get panicky at the thought of her being at A's house - let alone the fact that I would have to go to A's house to drop off/pick up DD. Both her neighbours are drug dealers. To me, it's too soon for me to put myself in the way of temptation. I'm still in the early days of being clean.

If it were totally up to me, I would cut off all contact with this woman. I don't consider her a friend. I need to be selfish in this regard, I think. I need to give myself every chance of success when it comes to staying clean and getting my life together. But is that fair to DD?? If I try to explain to A that I don't want to be friends with her anymore, but that our kids can stay friends, I think that will offend and upset A, which might cause more trouble than it's worth. And, to be perfectly honest, the older the kids get, the more I can see that B is not really someone I would like DD to be friends with (I know that is harsh, because B is only 4 yrs old. But I mean in regards to the way she's being brought up, and the person she will most likely become.).

HELP! I need some really good advice here.
Thank you for reading this, it got a lot longer than I anticipated.

[Rivka5]

First off, congratulations on your sobriety! That's an awesome accomplishment. You have a lot to be proud of yourself for.

You know, one of the recommendations in AA/NA is to keep away from the "people, places, and things" that are associated with using. I have worked with many, many clients who are substance abusers (I'm a psychologist), and I've never had one who could successfully stay clean without following the "people, places, and things" rule. So I think that spending time around A, A's house, or A's neighbors would be disastrous for you. You are still really new in your recovery - too new to be hanging out with your former dealer, in a house that smells like pot smoke. (Honestly, I don't know that I would give different advice to someone who had more clean time, either - but in your case it seems especially important.)

I also think that your reasons for keeping your daughter away from A are sound. That's no environment for a child. I fully agree that you should not let her sleep over, etc. - not because of who A is/was to *you,* but because she doesn't sound like she's to be trusted with children.

I do hope you can find your way not to cut B off entirely, though, especially on the basis of who you think she's likely to grow up to be. That sort of thing can be a self-fulfilling prophecy - if good people won't let her come around their kids, she's never going to have any decent role models. Can B come to your house? Do your daughter and B have any shared friends who would be willing to have both of them over together?

I know you say that you don't like confrontation, but I don't see a way out of this without being clear and direct with A. Something like, "I'm not comfortable having my daughter at your house because of what goes on there - smoking, drug use, and physical violence. I don't want to spend time with you myself for the same reasons. I do agree that the girls have a right to see each other, though, so B is welcome to visit here. You can drop her off and I'll bring her home."

She may tell you to go to hell and refuse to allow B to visit on those terms, because from what you say it sounds possible to me that she's using her supposed concern for B's feelings as a hook to hold on to you. (After all, it hardly sounds like B's interests are her first priority in other respects.) But, even if that's true, you'll have done what you can... and that's all you can really do.

[mama-meg]

You owe it to your daughter to not have such toxic people in your life. She deserves to have a sober and not panic'd mother. Though I really feel for this little girl - sounds like she could use some stability - you have to concern yourself with your family first. I would start actively avoiding this woman and explain to your daughter that you will be seeing much less of her friend. Then, be sure to enable your daughter to make new friends. I would not let my child be supervised by a woman who used drugs, much less sold them. I would not let my child go anywhere near an adult who was physically abusive to her children. I can say such things because I have had to cut toxic people out of my life, and these toxic people had wonderful children who my children no longer see. Your daughter is young and will make new friends, even a new best friend.

[paquerette]

I was very impressed by your journey to be clean, mama. :thumb

I think you should definately not allow this woman to supervise your child. I would absolutely not send her over there for sleepovers.

Encourage your daughter to make other friends, and maybe she'll grow closer to someone else. If you can, I would allow B. to come over and play when possible. Maybe you can sort of encourage A. to use you as free babysitting. I know it sounds crappy, but it would be so much better for that kid.

[Godiva]

typically, I'd say that parents prefrences shouldn't get in the way of a child's friends. After all my mom never spent time with my friends moms. But I think in your case it is completely appropriate to cut off contact. If you think it's at all possible to have your dd play with her dd too (maybe your dh could pick her up for you?) it would probably be best for both of the kids. You said you were afraid of who B would become, but maybe if she spends time with you and your dd she may be influenced to become better than her mom. But if having them together without you needing to see A then I'd say cut it off. Your dd will find other friends and probably won't remember her in a year. Oh and Congratulations! I've had family struggle to get clean so I understand how hard it is. You are doing a great thing for you and your children.

[Stevie]

sort of different reasons but my DD lost a friend when I had to back off from a toxic relationship too. It's been a couple of years now and my DD still asks about her old friend sometimes. I try to be honest but am firm that it's not a safe place for her to be.

[trinity6232000]

First off, congratulations on your sobriety! That's an awesome accomplishment. You have a lot to be proud of yourself for.

You know, one of the recommendations in AA/NA is to keep away from the "people, places, and things" that are associated with using. I have worked with many, many clients who are substance abusers (I'm a psychologist), and I've never had one who could successfully stay clean without following the "people, places, and things" rule.

I know you say that you don't like confrontation, but I don't see a way out of this without being clear and direct with A. Something like, "I'm not comfortable having my daughter at your house because of what goes on there - smoking, drug use, and physical violence. I don't want to spend time with you myself for the same reasons. I do agree that the girls have a right to see each other, though, so B is welcome to visit here. You can drop her off and I'll bring her home."

She may tell you to go to hell and refuse to allow B to visit on those terms, because from what you say it sounds possible to me that she's using her supposed concern for B's feelings as a hook to hold on to you. (After all, it hardly sounds like B's interests are her first priority in other respects.) But, even if that's true, you'll have done what you can... and that's all you can really do.

:yeah:

I was really touched by your story and your bravery
to share it with us. :heartbeat

[the_queen]

thanks y'all :shy It was pretty hard for me to start the original post, but once I started typing I couldn't stop :blah LOL sorry...
Thank you for your words of encouragement re: my being clean. :rocks

I think you've all pretty much said what I knew but was afraid to admit to myself, KWIM? I know I have to cut myself off from A. It just breaks my heart when my DD says things like "Can we see B today? I don't want her to think that I don't like her" :guilty :guilty :guilty :guilty But you're right - she'll make new friends soon enough (she's at pre-school currently, and starting school later this year, plus she has her little friends at church) I guess I am just not very good at making friends (because I feel like a fraud, I guess. What if they find out later that I used to be a drug user?? What will they think of me?? My paranoia hasn't gone away yet LOL) And to be honest, I have always been a bit of a loner - and DD is a social butterfly. So I guess it's a situation where I have to do something that's difficult for me, in order to improve her life. When I think about it like that, it's a no-brainer. But the reality of doing it..... so much harder. I guess my childhood issues are still there: the feelings of rejection and the belief that I deserve rejection.

Anyway, my instinct is telling me the same as you guys. I need to rid myself of toxic influences - and that's a great point Rivka5 about "people places and things". And instead of beating myself up about taking away DD's best friend, I'll just have to see this as part of my "new life". Just another step along the road to being a better person. :D Thanks guys, and just to re-iterate, :rocks .

[the_queen]

Oh, and y'all have given me some major food for thought re: B. How I said that I didn't want DD spending time with her - I didn't even consider the fact that maybe my family is the only "normal" "functional" family that B might have contact with. I will definately take that into consideration. :thumb

[mamalisa]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say congrats on your new life. You should be very proud of yourself :D

[RiverSky]

Yes, in this case, you need to stay away from them no matter what. I would say focus on meeting other moms with children until your DD finds another close, best friend. Join playgroups, moms group, anything and everything and frequent them constantly. Don't tell anyone about your past troubles, well, not until you've known them for a very long time, perhaps, just focus on the future, find friends, healthy friends for both yourself and your DD.

And congratulations on your continued recovery. That is the best gift you could ever have given your daughter. :hug