Co-housing and parenting styles

[robin1377]

For the past 4 months my 2 1/2 year old daughter and I have been living with another single mama and her 2 year old daughter. For the most part, things work out well. We swap nights out, compain to eachother about our exs, it definately has its benefits. Not to mention being able to afford a bigger apt. than I would be able to otherwise. The only probelm is, she has a very different way of relating to children than I do (cry it out, negative comments, sarcasm). I don't like to pass judgement on the way that other people choose to parent, I believe we are all entitled to choose the way that feels right. It wouldn't even be an issue if it didn't effect my daughter also. There has never been any one incident that I felt was really inappropriate. If there were I would simply address it directly. But it's just a lot of little things that add up to a general feeling. I often feel like she is annoyed with my daughter and the typical ways that children act. She does things like, when the children are playing togther and one of them starts saying mine or no (favorite words of two years olds) she will tell her dd to ignore my dd, tell them they are being bad or take her dd into her room and close the door. To me that's just kids being kids and it's our job as parents to step in and show them how to treat eachother with respect and work out their differences. I guess it just seems like she has little patience for children. My daughter is very outgoing and very verbal. She really likes my roommate and likes to be around her and talk to her, and asks to see her when she's not around. I feel like my roommate sort of shuts her out, where as I try to be as open and welcoming of her daughter as I am of mine.
I'm looking for a little perspective. Am I being too sensitive? I really don't want to make any unneccesary waves and as we all know the best way to put someone on the defenseive is to make them feel like you are being critical of their parenting style. Like I said, overall things are fine. We often only see eachother in passing or for an hour or two here and there. I just don't ever want my daughter to feel like she is being a nusance in her own home simply by being who she is. Any advice is appreciated.
Robin

[MissSavannahsMommy]

I don't like to pass judgement on the way that other people choose to parent, I believe we are all entitled to choose the way that feels right.

I have no words of advice but i wanted to give you tons of credit and respect becaue I have such a hard time not judging people and their parenting. I've actually lost quite a few friends because i just cannot stand their parenting. I cannot imagine living with someone who doesn't parent similarly to my parenting style. I suppose i'm selfish like that, but I give you tremendous praise for being able to do that.

I'm very sorry about the whole situation. I can relate to the overall feeling you're talking about. It's such a very hard thing to describe because it's never one particular instance that makes you uncomfortable, but it's just an accumulation of them over time. Often i find tremendous barriers when i attempt to explain it to someone i'm having the issue with. I hope you find the guidance you're seeking.

[pranamama]

I am very curious about co-housing. I would love to have another adult around but am worried it would be more hassle than I want. Hope it all works out!

[Jilian]

Are you good enough friends with her where you could offer her a book to read? Maybe attachment parenting. Bring it up in a conversation and say how much you liked it and then leave it laying around. Maybe she just hasn't found an effective way to parent yet. Maybe she will be open to some new ideas. The book is a nice way to offer her suggestions without attacking her parenting style. There are so many other good books to offer too. I think the gentle discipline forum here has a list of some good GD books.

It must be hard. I did l ive with my mom for a while and she is certainly not AP or GD so I struglled with the same issues. Since we have a mother-daughter relationship I was able to confront her directly with my concerns. It helped a little bit, at least she was able to see where I was coming from, even if she didn't agree with my parenting style.

BTW, your DD is beautiful!

[BelovedK]

I'll bet it is hard, I'm not sure I could do it but I agree with Jillian about sharing an attatchment parenting book with her...it sounds as if you're close enough with her, perhaps you could just leave a copy of Mothering or something laying around or get into a conversation discussing your views on parenting (be careful though)

[MsChatsAlot]

I think it is especially difficult because they are about the same age.

I guess if you feel like it's starting to effect your daughter then it might be time to look for another place. Kids will experience other kids and parents like this so it's okay to help your child through it and show her how to handle situations. However, if it starts to effect her self-esteem or if it becomes too negative for either of you, a move might be a better solution.

If you give this woman a book or anything it will likely end in a nasty way. I do not know anyone who is open to or enjoys getting unsolicited parenting advice. If she's not very tolerant with the kids (especially your daughter), she may feel threatend by how well you handle things or jealous of your parenting or your daughter. She may also feel poorly about herself inside and this is part of how it manifests.

You cannot change another person and if you give her a book, I'm afraid she'll interpret it as "you know it all" and feel like you've invaded her parenting and are judging her.

I think you have to resolve the issue for yourself and your daughter. It's either, okay for now, giving you both opportunities to learn and grow, or time to move on and find a more positive experience somewhere else.

It sounds like a difficult situation and I don't think you're overly sensitive. We all get a little "mother-bear'ish" around our children. In fact, it sounds like that might be a little of what happens with the other mom too.

[eamama]

Hi Robin and everyone,

I can relate on some levels. My parents (whom we live with) are great. They follow my lead on things and haven't imposed any of their notions about parenting on me. My dad is very gentle and affectionate, but he has had to learn to be more patient :)

The differences in parenting are why I don't hang out with other parents. I have two acquaintances with children close in age to my DS and I don't spend time with them because the first mom isolates her boy so much and tries to protect him from everything, while the other calls her son names and puts down things he does. He is not a very secure boy as a consequence.

We hate to admit it, but we probably all think our parenting style is the best one. I am far from perfect (I feel guilty about trying to get DS to play on his own more), but I pride myself on treating my son like a human being and someone who will grow up and *remember* how I have treated him. That guides me at all times and I have a feeling some people think that kids won't remember and just act on impulse.

[Slabobbin]

I would definitely speak to her about it...it can have more of an effect of your DD than you realize.

[meemee]

i would start looking to move. if u r picking this up in time ur dd will pick it up too and might have an affect. remember major issues begin with tiny problems. and u never know. she might be feeling the same way and might find u r too lax with ur style of parenting and might actually look down upon it.

this is one reason why i dont want to co-house with another parent. it is almost like being married without the relationship aspect of it.

[CorasMama]

My dd and I were in a nearly identical situation with my best friend and her dd (my dd's age) and her ds (3 yrs older.) She is far less tolerant of kid noise and normal developmentally appropriate annoyances, and she is a spanker. We lived together and coparented for 4 years, starting when we were both preg. with our dds. (It ended when I got married.) Frankly, it didn't have any long-standing, or really any short-term, neg. effects on dd. It was stressful to me, and I couldn't have handled it forever. But that was mostly because I was so in love with her kids, and couldn't handle watching how she dealt w/ her son's Asperger's Syndrome. And he was getting worse, and I was getting concerned for my dd's safety. But if not for those issues, I'd have gone back to living with her when I got divorced.

OTH, she is my best friend, and we've had some huge fights, and survived. And she loves my dd nearly as much as her own, as I do her kids. We both had our mama-bear-I'm-taking-my-kid-to-our-room moments like you describe, but because we had each been at each other'r dd's births, and were so close from the get-go, we got over it. She knew never, ever to spank or threaten to spank my dd, and respected that, and while I made my opinion clear about my view that spanking is wrong, wrong, wrong, I didn't harp. It's one of those things that, as best friends, she knows how I feel, and we both know that we're not going to change each others' minds on it.

I don't know how close a friendship you had with ur roomie before you moved in together, but I suspect that a friendship and closeness and mutual respect is crucial in a situation like this. But having relationships with other adults is important for ur daughter. And kids don't need perfection, and they can understand that different people interact differently, without it being a reflection on her (ur dd.)

I think I'd look at whether its having a problematic effect on ur dd, or are you being mama bear?

I'm super tired at 4:45 a.m., so this probably came across as harsher than intended, I just can't find the right words.

Good luck.

[robin1377]

Thanks for all of the advice. I'm sort of leaning towards looking at this as a learning experience. Our children are going to be in contact with all different kinds of people throughout their lives. I guess I could look at it as a good thing that I'm around so I can explain things to my daughter. For example, if roomie tells dd that she is being bad, I usually take her aside and explain to her that she isn't bad, she just made didn't make the best decision. Then together we figure out what the right decision was and how we can do things better the next time. I also think leaving a parenting book laying around might not be a bad idea. I don't think I will bring it up, just leave it laying around when I'm done reading it and see if she might pick it up. I feel like her parenting style may simply be a lack of parenting style. I know she doesn't really know other parents and hasn't really done any reading on the subject. She may come away with some info that helps her see what she thinks of as bad or irritating behaviour as age appropraite. I don't know, I guess I'll just see how things go. If things start to get worse I can always look for another place.
Thanks again,
Robin

[Kierdan'sMom]

I was just gonna suggest that you could bring it up the way I did with my SO when I noticed him being a little to "suck it up" to my 1 y.o. I started talking about all the things our parents believed in when we were kids and gender roles and how I didn't want DS to grow up with the same ideas and then very carefully broahed into the "I really need my this for my DS...." It's worked great with no hurt feelings, but then he is my SO after all :lol I did share housing wiht another mom for a short while...we did great with parenting, co-nursing, but we had very different ideas of clean...However, I'd have sucked it up because in the long run the pros out weighed the cons

[CorasMama]

Did you seriously do co-nursing with your roomie's dc? We always talked about it as a last resort, and I almost nursed my roomie's dd once or twice by accident (you know, I'm tired, there's a cranky baby in my arms, automatic reflex) but we never actually did take that step.

[Haydee]

I nursed my nephew a few times when his mama (my soon to be ex sister in law) didn't leave breastmilk or formula when she dropped the baby off at her mother's for 12 hours. I was more than happy to do it! I also gave every drop of milk I pumped (DS never took a bottle, ever! I tried when I was at school) to a woman who was relactating because her DS was/is allergic to milk, soy, and some enzymes found in formula. Both types milk sharing were welcomed by the mamas too. I'd do it again! :)