anybody have a link?

[eckmannl]

I'm looking for a link, or 10 :wink that give some kind of information on why it is benificial for my children that I do not work outside of the home. I need to send them to my brother and his girlfriend. My kids are 17months and 35months. I am a single mom who is lucky enough to be able (so far) to stay at home with my kids. My brother does not live here and has no kids. He could, however, sway the extended family who is making it possible for me to not work outside of the home. His girlfriend works in a daycare. Today he told me that they (bro and his gf) think that I'm "acting like I just gave birth to them 2 weeks ago" and that I "need to move on". Move on, as in put them in daycare and get a paying job. They think I am being rediculous and that of course all kids should go to daycare when they're old enough :irked: Which my 2 babies (who aren't even out of diapers!!!) obviously, according to him, are. He seems to think that a "good" daycare would be more beneficial to them than being with me. He is not putting me down by saying this, he just honestly thinks (I have no idea why) that they "need" to be. Because gf "has taken a lot of child development classes" she should know :rolleyes Before he left my house, I gave him a copy of dr. sears _attachment parenting_ and he said that he'd read it. I hope it explains a little. But does anybody have any links I could send them? Or even just some well organized thoughts?

[mightymoo]

I want to help you, but don't know of any great resources, but I am good at searching online ;) I can't vouch for the usefulness and validity of these articles, but you can make that judgement for yourself. Problem is I have heard it widely publicized that 'studies show kids in daycare do just as well'. At least one of the links below criticizes that study though.

http://www.aboutourkids.org/aboutour/articles/childcare.html
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9042555/
http://www.stats.org/record.jsp?type=news&ID=246
http://www.thenation.com/doc/20010514/pollitt
http://homeparents.about.com/library/weekly/aa111699.htm
http://www.cnn.com/US/9911/08/daycare.dilemma/

Are they conservative/republican? They might be swayed by this: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05188/534117.stm

Another thing you can consider doing is look really closely at the finances that would be involved if you did work. Take into account the car & gas costs, the cost of daycare, eating at the cafeteria, going out for lunch with coworkers, of professional clothing. Weigh all that against what you reasonably believe you might make if you worked outside the home, take into account the taxes you would pay on that money. Honestly with two kids in daycare, after taxes and all this other stuff, usually you are looking at not that much extra to take home. You might come at the argument that yeah, I could bring home an extra $50 a week, but its not worth it to do that to my kids, etc.

Daycare costs vary from area to area and so do salaries. I know in the area I was in when DD went to daycare, it cost us $1100/mo and that was average, some were as high as $1500/mo. With those costs, if I was to send my two kids to daycare and actually turn a profit, I'd have to have made at least $45,000. I don't know what your background is, but in this case, it may work in your favor if you aren't able to secure a job that pays higher than that. (You could trick them a bit by using your last year of working as an example, especially since rates will have risen since then and you may not have worked a full year, etc.) Also, if you are planning to have more kids, that price goes up further.

ETA - also consider doing preemptive damage control on the family. When its just you and other family members (no brother) maybe work comments into the conversation which make it clear how valuable staying at home is to you and to your kids. How grateful you are to be able to do this for your kids, etc. That way they will already be on your side before he starts in on them. Clearly they must believe its a good idea already since you are getting help from them.

[afishwithabike]

It sounds to me like he is trying to justify his GF's job. If every mom did as you do she'd be unemployed. I don't have any "Great" info just life experience as a child of a home parenting mom. She didn't even work after we went to school. She came to all of our field trips, school parties, track and field day events etc. She HSed me for Pre-school and HSed my senior year. I just remember how nice it was knowing she'd be home when I got home from school etc. She was Always there for us and I never felt alienated.

[mamawanabe]

Studies are all over the place on this - every study/article/book you send your brother, he will send you one back making the opposite argument.

I agree that if you are worried that extended family will be swayed by his opinions, you should just talk openly to all your relatives about how much you love staying home with your kids, how they are thriving under care and attention, and how grateful you are they they help you so that you can do this.

Kids can fully thrive in quality childcare arangements and in sahp arrangements - neither is inherently better (it depends, for instance, on the temperments of the mother/parent and the kids as well as the child's age, whether the particular childcare is a good fit for the kids, the amount of stress an additional job adds to the household, and so many other variables). Your brother can raise his kids as he sees best, but he needs to quit critisizing your decisions! I guarantee, he'll have a much more nuanced understanding of the "choices" when he himslef has to make them . . .

[eckmannl]

Thanks mamas!
I'll send him some of those links. I seriously doubt he would even bother to look for ones to counter them. It really astounds me that he even feels this way. Our mother was an at home mom until we were in jr. high/high school. That's when all h*ll broke loose in our family. Things started turning very bad in our family about that time. I guess I need to point that out to him, too.

[MommyMine]

Well I am going to get flamed for this but I offer this thought up to you...

I was raised by a single sahm (not forever she did go back to work as well so I have both experiences)

But I think that the job of nurtering children is very intense emotionally and very exausting.

I think that you really need a partner (not nessisarily a man) to help you do it...someone to rely on for emotional support and breaks. I think when you don't have that at some point the work of it becomes too much and you can end up accidentally turning to your children to support you. Your children will gladly step in but it will hurt them and cause them a lot of emotional damage if you allow them to do so.

If god forbid I was to get divorced I would look for a Kate and Ally sort of situation with another single mother with whome I could share the job of nurturing children with. I think in such a situation I could perhaps stay home (suplementing my income with childcare income from my partner) Or I would move in with my family.

I don't know if your kids are old enough today for you to go out and get a job but I do think that there is a point when you ought to, for yourself and your children. So you can develope a circle of adults to relate to (beyond your children). The neediness of children becomes a trap for all sahp but it can become a debilitating trap for a single sahp when there is no other adult to help push us towards remembering to find ourselves as our kids begin to need us less. We can find outselves clinging to our children and trying to keep them needy (which they will do to make us happy and to thier own determent). This can happen to any sahp...but I think it happens more often when there isn't another adult partner to share the emotional load of nurturing children and remind us to "get our own life" as the kids start to pull away from us.

I want to tell you I am sorry you are in this situation and I have a ton of empathy for your plight.

Do you think you could find a person who can join you as a partner in this task other than your family since they are not going to be supportive? I am afraid you will have a hard time convincing a daycare worker that daycare is not great...I think she wouldn't be able to do that work if she didn't think it was great right?

I can say from experince that it is totally debilitating to children to have to raise their parents.

[TinkerBelle]

I do not see how a single mother can stay at home, unless they are independently wealthy or on welfare. (and no, I am not asking about your situation~that is definitely none of my business, of course.)

I know I would have to be on welfare to stay home if I were not married. But, if you have a way to do it, I would tell them to MYOB.

[eckmannl]

I don't know if your kids are old enough today for you to go out and get a job but I do think that there is a point when you ought to, for yourself and your children.
Wow. This board is the last place I ever thought I would have to defend my choice to be an at-home parent.


I want to tell you I am sorry you are in this situation and I have a ton of empathy for your plight.

If the situation you are referring to is single-parenthood, then know that I am not sorry :)

I think that you really need a partner (not nessisarily a man) to help you do it...someone to rely on for emotional support and breaks. I think when you don't have that at some point the work of it becomes too much and you can end up accidentally turning to your children to support you. Your children will gladly step in but it will hurt them and cause them a lot of emotional damage if you allow them to do so.

I don't know if your kids are old enough today for you to go out and get a job but I do think that there is a point when you ought to, for yourself and your children. So you can develope a circle of adults to relate to (beyond your children). The neediness of children becomes a trap for all sahp but it can become a debilitating trap for a single sahp when there is no other adult to help push us towards remembering to find ourselves as our kids begin to need us less. We can find outselves clinging to our children and trying to keep them needy (which they will do to make us happy and to thier own determent). This can happen to any sahp...but I think it happens more often when there isn't another adult partner to share the emotional load of nurturing children and remind us to "get our own life" as the kids start to pull away from us.
I can say from experince that it is totally debilitating to children to have to raise their parents.
I'm sorry you grew up in a less than ideal parenting situation. I have been staring a needy parent situation in the face all of my life. My grandmother (who was not a single mother) still writes out my 53 yr old father's bills. She buys him grocerys. I know how it effects people. Please do not assume that I will end up like your mother.

I do not see how a single mother can stay at home, unless they are independently wealthy or on welfare. (and no, I am not asking about your situation~that is definitely none of my business, of course.)

I know I would have to be on welfare to stay home if I were not married. But, if you have a way to do it, I would tell them to MYOB.

I obviously have a way to do it. I am doing it. I value my brother's opinion and I want to educate him on a subject he knows nothing about.

[CerridwenLorelei]

I think each day may be my last posting or looking here....I can understand you feeling like you have to defend yourself


I wish I could have been a SAHM mom with ds. I didn't have any friends -most of them wanted nothing to do with me while exdh and i were going through the divorce.
might be contagious you know.
But I certainly didn't *Need* another adult partner at that time or the following years. Not flaming but I think that is a bit out there to say that one needs one.
Just MHO and not a slam ...

If your brother and family aren't the ones paying the bills and raising the kids they get no say .. My .02
and guess what ? when my kids were in ps they had a teacher that had all the "latest and greatest" in child development classes/conferences and know what?
she had NO business around children at all. So that means squat *sometimes*

tell him you appreciate his thinking of you but not putting your family position in jeopardy. And that the subject is closed. Shut him down whenever he starts in. "I am sorry that subject is closed" Redirect or ignore or flat out tell him off.




"I do not see how a single mother can stay at home, unless they are independently wealthy or on welfare. (and no, I am not asking about your situation~that is definitely none of my business, of course.)


There are in betweens-there are widows who have unfortunately are now utilizing the life insurance. There are women who built a nest egg so that if they have to leave instead of enjoying what they saved with dh they have a source for awhile

others work from home/freelance

just covering the mid spectrum