"She just stays home"

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Have you heard people say this before? I have a friend who is constantly saying this about myself and other people. As if all we do is just stay home. She works and goes to school (BTDT myself) and complains about not having time for anything, yet she criticizes those of us who are SAHMs. I would like to gently let her know it hurts my feelings b/c I do not sit on my butt all day doing nothing. I have a 4 yr. old home with me all day long. Does that not count for anything? I mean, what gives with her thinking that I just stay home?

[rootzdawta]

I've learned to ignore that stupid comment from people because most of these people who say that I "just stay home" would go mad if they were "just staying home" doing what I do all day. It's ignorance as far as I'm concerned and if it bothers you enough, I say clear the air and let her know how you feel.

[chinaKat]

I usually pipe in with something like, oh I don't *just* stay home. I eat bon bons and watch a lot of Jerry Springer, too.

:D

[briansmama]

I try to remind myself that people like that are missing out. Some people just do not get the same satisfaction and joy out of their children, grandchildren, or even great-grandchildren. Some people are chasing other forms of fullfillment and gratification, but really, I know that for me, having children and giving as much of myself as I can to my family and home brings me the ultimate satisfaction. Otherwise, why did I have my son? We couldn't wait to have him, and yes, he has required more of my dh and I than i ever could have imagined, but he's given us so much love and joy that we can't wait to have another one!

I think of this often when one of our ds grandma's is off playing golf every day and stops in to visit once every couple of months, and the other grandma (who lives much further) makes it a point to visit him nearly every other week, and always comments on how much he's grown and developed over just a few weeks...

I don't begrudge his other grandma her well-deserved time for herself; she did her job raising her children. But I know that for her, she just doesn't get the same satisfaction out of spending time with her grandchildren that his other grandma craves and needs. I have friends who feel differently towards their children than I do, and it's hard because I no longer relate to them the way I did before I had children. It's been a tough realization and I try to surround myself with as many other positive people as I can who genuinely take pleasure out of being with their kids most of the time.
Sorry this is so long....

[mandib50]

I usually pipe in with something like, oh I don't *just* stay home. I eat bon bons and watch a lot of Jerry Springer, too.

:D

:lol that's great! i love that :)
seriously tho, there are many women's groups that are doing alot of important work getting out the message that women's unpaid work DOES count. you could check out this website, maybe get a few ideas

http://www.mothersarewomen.com/

[briansmama]

:
seriously tho, there are many women's groups that are doing alot of important work getting out the message that women's unpaid work DOES count. you could check out this website, maybe get a few ideas

http://www.mothersarewomen.com/

Great link; had no idea this site existed! Thanks.

[afishwithabike]

I hate that as well. I don't "just" stay home either. With two DC under two a three year old weimeraner (which is just like another child), and babysitting my 10 1/2 week old cousin. I don't "JUST" stay home either. I do have trouble with that term.

[Drummer's Wife]

I usually pipe in with something like, oh I don't *just* stay home. I eat bon bons and watch a lot of Jerry Springer, too.

:D

:lol That is exactly what I do all day :nut

I've heard "she just stays home" on occasion but it doesn't really bother me. As hard as it is to be a full time stay at home mom I would much rather be doing this then working full time at this point in my life.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

I feel very fortunate to be able to stay home and so I just hate comments like that. If I "just stayed home" my DH wouldn't appreciate it very much. :lol

I personally like your response, china. :lol

[CalebsMama05]

I don't get that but from my sister (who doesn't have kids or a job) who says "she doesn't do ANYTHING"...she thinks i'm online too much cuz i come on here duringn his naptimes adn while he eats. whatever.

[Rainbow]

i use the bon-bon comment to, but couple it with soap operas instead of JS. Most get i'm joking since we are tv free. lol.

My husband always speaks for me- he tells everyone he'd go crazy with my job and that i'm a saint [we have 3 kids 4 and under ] and he goes to work to unwind and relax. :lol

[CalebsMama05]

i use the bon-bon comment to, but couple it with soap operas instead of JS. Most get i'm joking since we are tv free. lol.

My husband always speaks for me- he tells everyone he'd go crazy with my job and that i'm a saint [we have 3 kids 4 and under ] and he goes to work to unwind and relax. :lol
lol that's what my husband says.

[Slabobbin]

*I* am raising the future. *I* am actually shaping and molding another human being. *I* will affect what they are for the rest of their lives.

*They* just go to work outside of the home everyday.

That's how I look at it. :)

[CalebsMama05]

yeah but the way *they* look at it *they* are *contributing* because *they* are bringing in money. according to *them* *we* (SAHM's) bring in no money so what we do is worth *less* it still bothers me sometimes that the act of raising a child is of so little notice. shame.

[CalebsMama05]

yeah but the way *they* look at it *they* are *contributing* because *they* are bringing in money. according to *them* *we* (SAHM's) bring in no money so what we do is worth *less* it still bothers me sometimes that the act of raising a child is of so little notice. shame.
they in that post is the people that think of sahm's as less btw. not working mothers in general. :)

[Rainbow]

I think though that people who work outside of home are shaping the future as well... I'm very very proud of the working women of the world. I don't want to say they are ''just'' anything, as I don't want anyone to say I am ''just'' anything.

We may shaping individuals, they are shaping the economy, the working class, the standards of business. ALL have their place and value. The working women of today are paving the way in the workforce in a way that might open up more opportunities for my daughters.. and for that I'm thankful as well.

ETA- did we cross post or did I just miss that last post/ lol. I hear you... but I still feel that way. Even people who think what we do is less I don't want to demean in return... I just hope they see one day that it isn't all fun and games and bon bons. :lol Although there are a lot of fun and games to be had in a day. :heartbeat

[suziek]

Rainbow,

I have to say I agree with you. If mothers didn't work, who would have done my biopsy, who would clean my dcs teeth, who would have taught me to read when I was a child, who would be driving the buses, delivering the babies, bringing us the music we love?

I am happy with the choice I've made--with the choice I have been able to make. But without working moms the world would stop, I'm sure of it.

[OakBerry]

I usually pipe in with something like, oh I don't *just* stay home. I eat bon bons and watch a lot of Jerry Springer, too.

:D

I like this response! :thumb
Really though, I go nuts when some describes me as "just staying home".
I tell them I'm at home taking care of my son, thank you.
And the other thing that makes me nuts is the "so you're still not working?" :angry This usually from people who know me fairly well, and have just "applauded" mothers for staying home to raise their kids in a different conversation. I swear people are brain dead sometimes.

[wsgrl84]

I love the responses in this thread! :lol

I wanna say I support every mom out there who has to/chooses to be a SAHM. I know its hard work and not everyone knows that. It doesn't matter what anyone else says! :heartbeat

[Tori Gollihugh]

*I* am raising the future. *I* am actually shaping and molding another human being. *I* will affect what they are for the rest of their lives.

*They* just go to work outside of the home everyday.

That's how I look at it. :)


This is definitely good information to point out and hopefully guide *them* to a more complete understanding. I would add the fear that BRAVE NEW WORLD would certain come to pass more completely and sooner if not for the SAHMs and SAHHSMs!!!! How do you influence/create an individual? By participating in their lives, being someone to respect and admire, teaching, and so much more. Every SAHM I admire does all and more - and their children are TRUE individuals!

[ilovecoffee]

I know how that feels.


My SIL has a 6 month old son and they ( her and her BF) both work 40-50 hours a week. She is always telling me how hard she has it and she has no time for anything and she doesn't get to rest until her son goes to bed at night.

On top of everything, her mother MIL is over there 5 out of 7 night a week helping them out with the baby, SIL has never taking the baby shopping with her, shr has never taking a day off of work when he is sick, MIL takes times off her job to stay home with him if he has a fever. MIL will go over at night take care of him while SIL gets her rest and the baby's daddy is home to , usually in the back room working on something .

Anyways, SIL is thinking about staying home, quitting her job this month. She has been telling me for the past 2 months that 'it will be much easier when I stay home all the time' , "i will be able to get more done" " I don't see what is so hard about staying home all day'

She also asks me to keep her son when he is sick or do errands for her cause she *has* to work and I am at *home*.

Whenever she says that I feel like crap. I know I shouldn't let that bother me but it does. I stay at home, and I am always on the go with my 18 month old. I clean the house ( she has a cleaning lasy come every week, paid for by MIL) and I jsut about do everything else.

I keep telling my self that people have no clue what somehting is like until they try it. If my SIL ends up staying at home, I know she will have more respect for SAHMS. And I am sure your friend will if she ever becomes a SAHM.

**sorry so long**

[blessed]

I think the lure of motherhood is very interesting.

It's very common that women who have been absolutely ambitious, selflessly driven, pursuing career interests to the sacrifice of so many other areas of life, will turn to fulltime motherhood after having kids. Nothing else in life was able to draw their interest away, but the magnitude of the experience of parenting a child competely surplants all of that hard driven carreer energy.

My SIL has been extremely ambitious and successful her entire life. She has an MBA from a presitigious university, and was an executive who jetted all over the world leading a very exciting and fulfilling professional life. Like many, she had no intention of leaving her position when she took her maternity leave. That was three years and two kids ago, and she finds the job of motherhood to be every bit as interesting and stimulating and fulfilling as her career ever was.

I think that speaks to the amazing depths of the experience of parenthood.

[Kristine233]

Came across this not long ago. We were starting a girl scout troop for our area and it was relayed back to me because I missed the first parent meeting. 4 mamas were there and the rep from the council said they need 2 moms to be leader and co-leader (officially, we all share the job). Two moms worked and two moms didnt, the two that worked said "We cant, we work" When this was relayed back to the rest of us SAHMs (who have been doing most of troop stuff now) we just burst out laughing. I mean, come on... I work harder now as a SAHM than I ever did as a WOHM. Not saying WOH is not hard, just that our jobs are JUST as hard.

I seriously just try to ignore it an dif pressured go into detail about what my day ACTUALLY entails.. thats usually enough to make heads spin, lmao.

[4cornersmamma]

You ladies are wonderful!

It makes me feel good to read your posts.

Thanks!

[4cornersmamma]

Yes I "just stay home" so instead of being able to leave work and take a break I'm there all the time! On call, 24/7

just call me:
boss
teacher
artist
police woman
doctor
maid
CEO
head chef
laundress
receptionist
activity coordinator
ect. . .

The reason people don't give it a name is because it is too big of a job to have yet one designation. So it becomes this inadaquate phrase "she just stays home".

:blush

[Kristine233]

Yes I "just stay home" so instead of being able to leave work and take a break I'm there all the time! On call, 24/7

just call me:
boss
teacher
artist
police woman
doctor
maid
CEO
head chef
laundress
receptionist
activity coordinator
ect. . .

The reason people don't give it a name is because it is too big of a job to have yet one designation. So it becomes this inadaquate phrase "she just stays home".

:blush

Exactly!! I want someone to make up business cards for SAHMs, lol.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Yes I "just stay home" so instead of being able to leave work and take a break I'm there all the time! On call, 24/7

just call me:
boss
teacher
artist
police woman
doctor
maid
CEO
head chef
laundress
receptionist
activity coordinator
ect. . .

The reason people don't give it a name is because it is too big of a job to have yet one designation. So it becomes this inadaquate phrase "she just stays home".

:blush

:D :clap

[mamawanabe]

I think though that people who work outside of home are shaping the future as well... I'm very very proud of the working women of the world. I don't want to say they are ''just'' anything, as I don't want anyone to say I am ''just'' anything.

We may shaping individuals, they are shaping the economy, the working class, the standards of business. ALL have their place and value. The working women of today are paving the way in the workforce in a way that might open up more opportunities for my daughters.. and for that I'm thankful as well.

ETA- did we cross post or did I just miss that last post/ lol. I hear you... but I still feel that way. Even people who think what we do is less I don't want to demean in return... I just hope they see one day that it isn't all fun and games and bon bons. :lol Although there are a lot of fun and games to be had in a day. :heartbeat

I love this post. It is so demeaning to note that a mother "just stays home" and it is just as demeaning to remark that a mother (or person) "just works for money." It is like we can't not think hirerarcally (sp?). DIFFERENT, not better worse right wrong good not so good etc.

It is like our brains are wired wrong.

[churchofdisco]

i think i am pretty lucky in that almost all of my friends are SAHM's themselves. personally, i believe that ALL moms are working moms, we just work in different places- but be that as it may, it does sting a bit when old highschool friends find their way to me and while catching up on what is new with each other, it always seems like they think that because i don't have an outside the home, bringing in money job that i consequently don't really "do" anything and with a 12 month old and one more due any day now (and ESPECIALLY this summer when my dh leaves for iraq) i sure as heck will have PLENTY to do.

[Slabobbin]

Luckily I've never had anyone say that to me. I'm not sure how I would respond but I know I wouldn't be happy.

[Jenlaana]

I was a single mom through most of my son's childhood, and all of the "baby stuff" seemed like such a chore. :( I was always so busy with other things that honestly the first 8 years of my son's life were a blur. :( I was busy with school, my "career", divorce, bills, and my single life, etc etc. I barely remember most of his firsts, and I really see it reflected now. It makes me so sad thinking about everything that I missed and will never get back. Perhaps I am being a bit hard on myself, but I feel like I was so busy with *MY* life that I was a negligent mother to my son. How many times did I let him cry for "just one more minute" because I had something that *I* needed to do. :( I think thats just the mindset of many working parents. Life doesn't become about the child, the child is just added to the family. If you see it that way, then taking work out of the equasion DOES seem like it would make things easier. Its those that understand that life is about raising our children first and everything else second that understand how important and difficult it can be.

Our babies are only babies once, and they grow up so very fast. I count my blessings every day that I can stay home with my little girl. I get frustrated with her so much less when I can give her my full attention. For those moms who think that we "just stay home", what are they missing out on for working elsewhere?

Honestly I think there is a mindset, in the USA, about the standard "welfare mom who has lots of kids so she can get more government money and lets their kids run ragged while they watch soaps and live in filth" concept. Its hard to take your thoughts from that "stay at home mom" to a child focused house managing hard at work raising kids kind of mom. Honestly, being a stay at home mom COULD be the easiest job in the world... if you (forgive my french) half assed it. Being a great mom, an involved mom, is VERY difficult at times. I don't regret staying home with my daughter this time around, but there have been times when I had wished I could sneak out to work for a day or something, to just get a break from it all. I was an administrative assistant in a high stress, commercial real estate office, and it was MUCH easier than what I do now... albeit a thousand times less rewarding. One smile from my beautiful babe and it is all worth it. :)

[MistyMM]

I think WOHM and SAHM is equally challenging, but I do have to say i get more sleep as a sahm. as a wohm i got up for work at 130am every am to arrive at job at 4am. i worked until 1230pm (with one nursing break, baby was brought to me) then got home at 130pm to unschool/be sole care person for lunch, dinner, housecleaning, etc until kids went to bed at 11pm. I did this for 4 mos beforre resigning. Both ways are tough in their own was, and there is no "just" about either route.

on an aside,why if mom works outside the home, is she still expected to care for the house etc, but when dad does, hes only expected to rest his feet from a hard day when he gets home?

Misty

[DoubleOven]

:tiphat:

[jillybeans]

I get a lot of trouble from my SIL, who works out of the home. She's always saying how great it is to work and "support" her family. When I asked her what specifically she doesn't like about staying at home she said, and I quote, "I couldn't stand to be around my kids all day." Maybe that's why her kids are wild. I think we are the most valuable profession there is! I mean, without us, where would the world be?

[CerridwenLorelei]

day ..
A friend of mine and I sometimes get together for tea,, she too doesn't work out of the home. But Her schedule makes ME dizzy.
We would like to get together more often but when we have tea we both have planners that we pull out and go over dates to find one that we are both free on.

Dh was there one night and said we made his spin ROFL!

[greenwoman2006]

I try to remind myself that people like that are missing out. Some people just do not get the same satisfaction and joy out of their children, grandchildren, or even great-grandchildren. Some people are chasing other forms of fullfillment and gratification, but really, I know that for me, having children and giving as much of myself as I can to my family and home brings me the ultimate satisfaction. Otherwise, why did I have my son? We couldn't wait to have him, and yes, he has required more of my dh and I than i ever could have imagined, but he's given us so much love and joy that we can't wait to have another one!

I think of this often when one of our ds grandma's is off playing golf every day and stops in to visit once every couple of months, and the other grandma (who lives much further) makes it a point to visit him nearly every other week, and always comments on how much he's grown and developed over just a few weeks...

I don't begrudge his other grandma her well-deserved time for herself; she did her job raising her children. But I know that for her, she just doesn't get the same satisfaction out of spending time with her grandchildren that his other grandma craves and needs. I have friends who feel differently towards their children than I do, and it's hard because I no longer relate to them the way I did before I had children. It's been a tough realization and I try to surround myself with as many other positive people as I can who genuinely take pleasure out of being with their kids most of the time.
Sorry this is so long....


I don't understand people that wouldn't try to stay at home with their children, but I don't think that I am in any place to judge them. But it does irritate me as well if they judge me. I notice that people that are moms of little ones are the ones that REALLY understand what I am going through and how I am spending my days. They remember, or are still going through it!

[courtenay_e]

:lol I was a teacher and a nanny before I had children. My husband and I got married four months after his brother and our sister in law. The four of us were sitting at a table one day before we were married, talking to the guys' parents (now my in-laws). So, my SIL says, "I can't WAIT till I have kids, so I can quit work and stay home all day and do nothing!" I was extremely rude, I suppose, but it caught me totally on my funny bone...I snorted my pop through my nose, I laughed so hard. She is now such a completely miserable stay at home mom that her husband is seriously considering LOSING money to send her to a part time job and her kids to daycare. She doesn't pay attention to her kids (literally puts them in a play yard in front of the telly all day, lets them CIO, doesn't talk to them (oldest still doesn't use complete sentences and he's four)), so it'll probably actually benefit these particular kids. She doesn't keep her house clean, doesn't cook dinners...I suppose she is what gives the rest of us a bad name. Thing is? She's not happy no matter where she is. That's the saddest part. She's not happy, she used having children to escape the workforce, and now she'll use the workforce to escape the poor kids. *sigh*

She just doesn't understand how I keep it all together. Like I have FUN scrubbing toilets? But, you know what? I think it's a heck of a lot more fun than spending all day in pantyhose, pushing paper. I get the jelly covered kisses to go with the toilet brush. And that is the world to me.

[Pariah]

"I couldn't stand to be around my kids all day."

That is heartbreaking to hear. I can barely put my son down, I can't imagine wanting to be away from him. He's a lot of work and requires all my attention, but I love it. All his little smiles are totally worth it.

[nicole lisa]

hmmm...I find as my son gets older this is by far the easiest gig I've ever had. And I love it.

When he was a babe it was much more work - getting a shower in was impossible and forget eating. I just sat on the couch and nursed and nursed and changed diapers and baby danced the colicky guy. All that was hard.

But now that he's 5.5 there are days I feel guilty that BF goes to a desk job every day and has to deal with all the politics (he's the director of his department) and I get up later, hang out in PJs, maybe run some errands all the while hanging out with a great friend (DS). We have great conversations and go for lunch, to the museum, movies etc. I really do feel that I am "just" staying home and I'm cool with that. I don't mind being judged for it - it's pretty slack.

Anyone else feel the same way?

[KayleeZoo]

Yep, it used to hurt my feelings a lot. Especially when I only had one child and my life was pretty darn cushy :lol Then dd #2 came along when dd #1 was 33mos old, and my "just staying home" job got a hell of a lot harder. Then when I was "just staying home" with 3 kids under 5, I couldn't imagine anyone WOH who did more than I did in a 24 hr period. And I do think of my job as a full-time mommy as way more valuable than anything I personally could do outside of the home, so I'm okay with hearing that statement now. I *know* what I do in a day's time, that's all that really matters. :)