Finding a balance between good and evil...

[KBinSATX]

A couple of months back I finally convinced DH that we will be too tired, exhausted, confused during the first 6 weeks to have family come 'help' with the baby.
Sorry but I am 33 years old, this is my first baby and I am not having it as part of a dog-and-pony-show. If they want to see babies they can make their own...
I think after he got used to the idea he agreed. In fact now he is actually even more vehement about it than I am.
My only rule was no visitors during the first 6 weeks (that includes my as well as his family) but he even told his mom not to bother to make the trip to see us in the hospital. I actually wouldn't mind if they stopped by. DS will be in teh room with me but we will still be stuck there for a day anyway. And at least I don't have to worry about entertaining them at the house.
So now I am feeling a little bit bad for being such an evil DIL.
Is anybody else telling people to stay away?

[Sydnee]

I'm actually quite the opposite. :lol I love having visitors over when I have had my kids. I don't feel the need to entertain anyone, they are my family. PLus, they know how long to stay (or not to stay, lol). I love being surrounded by my family. :love

[NYCVeg]

We're actually doing the opposite as well! My mom is coming to stay (NOT with us--in a hotel) for several weeks to take care of ME and help around the apartment. Dh's parents and sister and my sisters will all come visit within a week of the baby being born to meet-and-greet her; and, dh's mom and sister--both teachers--will probably come for a longer stay (again, not with us in our one-bedroom apt) once the school year is over. Like Sydnee, I do not feel ANY need to entertain them, nor do I expect/want them to "take care of" the baby, unless I explicitly ask for help. And until they start lactating, "help" is pretty much limited to diaper changes anyway. :lol When my sister had her first, the whole family came by frequently over the first few weeks to help her with cleaning, shopping, etc. We did what she wanted/needed us to do.

I think it's totally fair to ask people not to visit you at home if you want some time to babymoon and you think you will be overwhelmed. Personally, though, I probably would invite people to visit in the hospital (as long as you're gonna be there anyway) even if I wanted a babymoon at home. Or, designate one weekend as "visitor time" when people can stop by, bring you food, whatever. My family and my ILs are SO excited about the new baby and just dying to meet her--I would find it a little strange that they didn't get to see her AT ALL for the first 6 weeks.

[KBinSATX]

LOL So I am the only unfriendly mom-to-be! :D

Nobody 'stops by' here. My PILs are 5 hours away. My own family lives in Europe. When they come, they come to stay.

That means cooking, endless chit-chat. I am determined to make breastfeeding work for me as well. So every 2 hours I breastfeed fro 45 minutes then sleep in between. Doesn't seem ideal to try and also entertain a bunch of people.

DH is taking 3 weeks off to really help with everything which is of course much appreciated.

[NYCVeg]

LOL So I am the only unfriendly mom-to-be! :D

Nobody 'stops by' here. My PILs are 5 hours away. My own family lives in Europe. When they come, they come to stay.

Well, sort of the same for me. My parents/sisters are a 4-hour drive and my in-laws/SIL are a 5-hour drive. My mom will take the train to vist for the day, but no one else is willing to endure 7 hours of travel without spending the night. :lol That's we have the "no one stays with us" rule. (We live in a small one-bedroom apartment--I would probably jump out the window if we had houseguests in addition to me, dh, dog--and soon-to-be baby, of course.) This is my ILs first grandchild--the very first among the entire family, in fact--so it would seem particularly mean to keep them away. OTOH, if we feel overwhelmed, I have no problem telling people that we need some quiet time to ourselves.

For your PILs, I might invite them to the hospital or for a weekend (where they don't stay in your house). Your parents are much trickier. My sister's ILs live in Eastern Europe, and when they come, it's for 1-2 weeks, staying with sis and BIL. This is obviously much more stressful than just a weekend or "drop-bys", so I can understand wanting to put it off until you're more settled.

[cicerosum]

Quite frankly, as a first time mom, I don't think that's such a bad idea. I remember when I had my first and I just wanted to spend time with her, get to know her, enjoy finally being a mom! And the people that came to "help," well, they "helped" but they also took the baby every chance they got. Even when I said "GIVE HER TO ME!" it was like, "no, you go rest" or whatever. I really appreciated that they cooked, but resented that I hardly got to hold MY brand new baby. So I don't blame you.

Now, when people come over to "help" they know they'll have to baby sit my other three kids, so that really separates the wheat from the chaff, ;)

[ozzyemm]

NAK-- popping in from jan ddc-

We didn't want visitors while I was in labor. I am a doula and have seen the difference the influx of visitors has made to the length of a delivery. I told my family and friends that we wouldn't be telling anyone we were in labor until the baby came. Even when we thought we were having a scheduled c-sec., we only told our parents the day, but not the time, and that they couldn't call us.

We ended up going into labor the day of my scheduled c-sec., and calling VERY select ppl when we needed them to bring my diabetic test strips.

I do not have a rule about not seeing the baby for a set length of time. My rule is no sick ppl, and kids need to wash hands before holding DS.

Sit down w/ DH and figure out what each of you is comfortable with. Hash everything out, and THEN tell ppl ;). We had to figure that one out :lol

[L'lee]

I understand where you're coming from, I am personally not having any visitors for at least 2 weeks (probably more like 4) after the birth, mostly because (1) our families live WAAAY across the country and would visit for probably a week when they come out here, and (2) DH is going to be off from work for the first two weeks. My mom wants to come visit soon after the birth, maybe a month afterwards, and she will stay at a hotel, by her choice. My sister says that mom was VERY helpful after her daughter was born, and was good about doing things to help my sis instead of demanding baby time. My MIL is happy to space her visit so that they are not here at the same time, so I feel pretty lucky about that. She will be helpful, too, I'm sure. I think if this was the first grandchild for either of them, it might be harder to keep them away. :)

I also think weekend visits might be a nice idea for your ILs (depending on whether they will be helpful - if they expect you to entertain them, FORGET it!), that might be a nice compromise for your situation, also you might want to shorten the time, 6 weeks sounds long IMHO, but of course that's up to you!

[Unreal]

Gah! No, you aren't the only one!!!

I don't want anyone family-wise here :lol

My parents live downstairs and I'm sure will come up to visit once or twice, but they can't do the stairs often, so if we want to see them, we'll all mosey downstairs...
when we are ready :wink

My IL's are 700 miles away. They came out when ds2 was 2 weeks old and drove me INSANE. No. I do NOT want them here this time around. Nope. NOT at ALL.
They can't cook for us (dietary restrictions they won't/can't follow--it is apparently too hard to read a label)
They can't clean for us (can't figure out that out how we clean with vinegar and baking soda instead of bleach and every other brand name thing)
They didn't lift a finger to help when I had laundry to do while they were here then, so I wouldn't expect help with that this time either....

Not that I harbor any resentment towards them for their behavior or anything :lol

What I would LOVE is if my bestest friend in the whole wide world could come out and stay with us for a week or two.
She is AWESOME with the kids and can read my mind :love
Of course, she lives 3 hours away and works a trillion hours a week and hardly gets any vacation time :( :(

[KBinSATX]

My parents are planning to fly in in the Fall. I convinced them that it will be more fun because they can take the baby out in a stroller and it won't be so hot here.
I actually told DH he should invite his parents while I am in the hospital that way they can come visit and see baby and then spend time with him at home, visit again the next day and then travel back home.
But he said he wanted to stay at the hospital with me and just give them the house keys so I am not the only one developing anti-social tendencies...
BTW: It's the 6th grand child for my parents and the 5th for his parents. DH and I are in our 30s (eek actually DH just truned 40!!!) and our siblings were much faster than we were... ;)

[radicalmama]

The yoga studio I go to espouses a policy of mother and baby at home or close to home and no more than nine feet from each other for the first six weeks.

My midwife will post a sign on the door that says something like, "Family resting. Please don't leave without making sure the family is fed, the dishes are done, and the laundry is clean, folded, and put away. The new family needs time to get to know eachother. They are happy to see you, but please leave soon!"

[ChattyCat]

I don't want any visitors in the hospital or at home for the first week or two. I have created an enormous amount of tension among my ILs. They are completely dumbfounded that I would want to keep them away from THEIR grandbaby. Umm, I'm sorry, but aren't I the one having my abdomen cut open??? I realize that they want to see the new baby, but everyone seems to have forgotten that the only reason we're in the hospital is because babies do not want to fit through my pelvis. I really don't want people seeing me all doped up, with a urine bag hanging off the bed, not having showered, with copious amounts of blood coming out of me, while feeling like crap, and trying to bf a newborn and getting the staff to leave me alone too. They seriously have their feelings hurt. Granted, my parents are totally cool with not coming to visit for about a month or so, and staying in a hotel when they come. I am so sick of my ILs feeling like they are entitled to see us frequently just since they live across town. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lilmissimpatient@c]

I'm an evil daughter in law - I made that stipulation to DH's side of the family only.

His parents have hated me from day one, and have made our lives generally as unpleasant as they possibly could (they tried very hard to ruin our wedding, and have told me on more than one occasion I should abort this baby), and I told them that I DO NOT want them at the hospital, or at my home until I feel ready to have them.

I don't want them at the hospital because I want that time to bond with the people I love, and who love us, and they just don't fit the description.

And I don't want them at my house right away because they are the people who expect everything to be perfect, along with a huge homecooked meal, and to be not only entertained, but waited on hand and foot, and I'm sorry, but i'll have better things to do with my time :lol

[SpudinPhilly]

Hey, I understand why some of you choose not to have any visitors right off the bat. And it helps give me some ideas too - so thanks for the sharing!

Here's our deal: as our families are spread across the globe, and we have no extended family nearby, nor a grand network of friends out here, sage help from our mothers (this will be the 1st grandchild on both sides of our families) will be welcome. Mine will be staying with us for 3 months (and it would be good for her too as it will be a break from the house renovations back at her home which are really stressing her out in a bad way), and Dad will come soon after the baby's born for a week or two - we have a spare room and bathroom for them which will help.

I plan on having the baby with us in our bedroom the first few months most of the time anyhow (if co-sleeping works out for us; or I could put the crib in there), as it will be convenient for breastfeeding and will give us some privacy/bonding time. After reading some of the posts I might also state to the family visiting that our bedroom will be strictly off limits unless the door is open. I think they will respect that.

My hubbie's Mum will visit as soon as my Mum leaves, and I know she will be very helpful - she's also much more fit than my poor Mum so the 5 storey walk-up (we're on the 5th floor of a very old building so it feels like you're climbing a mountain each time) we live in won't be such a burden (I've already reminded my Mum with every phone call to climb the stairs in their building so that she can "train" her body). Hopefully I won't need to entertain as much. My Mum is the better cook of the two, so another good reason to have Mum home that long :)

As for the actual birth, I might have to rethink and outline who can come to the birth center, as the doula above mentioned that might stress me out while I should be concentrating on relaxing and letting that baby pop out as smoothly and quickly as possible. Now I have to figure out how to break it everyone who would like to pop by for the actual birth. I'm not even liking the idea of my Mum being there, although I might ok with it once the time comes. But, maybe I can convince her to stay home and if she can prepare a welcome home meal for us for after the birth. Might help her to take her mind off the stress of worrying for her baby! And I know if the baby is late and Dad's here already he would gladly wait it out at home, as he's too squeemish when it comes to blood and pain.

Also, I think I will have a BBQ at our place to welcome the baby for any friends in our town who want to pop by - that way Dad can be in charge of the grill (maybe the last weekend of his stay with us) and Mum of the rest of the stuff :) And hubbie, me and baby can relax and smile.

And another good reason to have our Mum's help us out those few months, it will save us on having to hire any help (i.e. doula, cleaners, cook, shopping, etc.). I would like to be able to offer the same sort of help to our own child should it need it one day, and so I will try to welcome any help offered with open arms of gratitude.

[busybusymomma]

I think it really depends on family dynamics and how close your family is distance-wise. My close family lives nearby, some of them will be present at the birth and the rest are welcome to pop in when they want to visit. We haven't had any issues though, they don't make a mess and they don't overstay their welcome. My MIL/SIL and mom are likely to help around the house in addition to begging a moment with the baby.

I'm very reluctant to let baby out of my sight at first, but I try to make sure my parents/MIL/brother get to meet/hold baby- I'd appreciate the same thing when I'm a grandma someday. ;) On the other hand, I went to church when ds was three days old and kept him in the sling. Everyone got to peek at him but no one held him but me. :moon

[busybusymomma]

PS- when learning to breastfeed dd, I just sat on my own couch and while I didnt really want to intentionally flash someone I figured if they saw more than they wanted it was their fault for coming by while I'm learning to bf. :wink It made me a tad nervous with people I wasn't as close to, but I think it also prepared me for NIP in a way. I realize it's different for different mamas though.

[KBinSATX]

Family Dynamics... I think my own parents would actually stress me out much more than DH's! Like 3 months with my Mom would drive me crazy!!! Heck I left a country/countinent to get a break from them... :D
MIL is nice. She is going to use her serger to turn my onesies into little shirts so they will fit over the CDs. :) FIL can be more annoying but it's not like I can just have her leave him at home...
I am telling DH to invite them to come down for a couple of days when DS is born so they can see him right at the hospital, etc.
Being a new mom I just really want to have some space to figure out how we are going to do things without having to worry about other people.

[nitareality]

I asked that DH's family stay away for the first 3 weeks. Even then, we made it clear that the visit wasn't to be seen as us "hosting guests" and that there wouldn't be and housecleaning or appetizer making by us. :lol Actually, what I did was have DH's mom "teach" DH how to give DS a bath, while I went and took a shower. :innocent That way she got to feel very involved, taught a valuable skill to DH that I didn't have the patience to do, and I got to feel like things were still on my terms. It also filled up time because idle chit chat is not my forte. Having a spring baby is also nice because you can get out of the confines of your house and go for a walk. I could not/would not host guests overnight, unless they are the kind of guests who will cook and clean for you, with your first baby.

I think you're on the right track...you'll be happy you knew to keep your privacy beforehand, IMO.

[Marylizah]

I agree that it totally depends on family dynamics. In our case, our families are very physically distant-- a 4 hour plane trip for the ILs, and a 12 hour plane trip for my folks. But I'm very close to my parents, and my mom will be coming over to help me when her school year ends, probably 2.5 - 3 weeks after the birth. She'll be staying with us in our 1 bedroom, 1 bath, less than 250 sq ft apartment with the understanding on both sides that if it gets too intense she'll go to a hotel. All in all I think she'll be staying in France about 6 weeks, although when my father joins her they'll move to a hotel for a week, then they'll spend about 10 days in Germany before coming back to Paris.

I personally am really looking forward to spending that time with my mother, it means a lot to me. I know I can count on her help, support and love, even though she won't be able to run errands for me (pesky language barrier!).

As for the in-laws, we've agreed that they won't come visit until August. This'll give us time between family visits. And they aren't allowed to stay in our apartment, mainly for space reasons. However, my ILs may not actually leave-- they may move here at some point and help take care of the baby when I need to go back to work. We'll see!

While it's OUR baby, I think that since we both feel very far away from our families we're thrilled to think that baby will get some good quality time with his/her grandparents.

[zaksma]

I have been trying to figure out how to deal with this same situation myself. When i was in llabor with Zachary, everybody and their brother was at the hospital. This is was okay until FIL showed up and that man just pushes me to the edge (Mr. why-don't-you-have-an-abortion-since-you-aren't-married-this-is-embarrassing-for-the-family) and he was in the room about 5 minutes before my bp went through the room and Zachary's heart rate dropped and the room was cleared during the rest of my labor. Then after I had them, there were 7894859865326 people waiting to see us and we didn't get to really enjoy those first few hours together.

With Alden, my mom and MIL were the only people there while I was laboring- though my mom didn't show up until right beore I actually began pushing. Zachary had stayed with her the night before so she was occupying him a while before they came to the hospital because we were afraid I would have a long labor and he would be stir crazy being there too long. So it was nice to only have our moms and Zachary there right after Alden was born. But the next day was horrible- my FIL (he's long divorced from my MIL, btw) came down from VA with his wife and my BIL and his fiancee which was okay. Except they took DH out to breakfast and kept him away from the hospital until almost lunchtime. Then they wouldn't leave the damn hospital- I was sitting there in the bed just tired and wanting a nap and they wouldn't freakin' leave. Get the hint people- when I am sitting here with my eyes closing your tails need to leave! Plus, they kept trying to take the baby away from me- hello, this my kid- not yours- don't take him out of my hand again or say in your whiney voice "but I want to hold my grandson."

Okay, that became a big rant on my part, didn't it? Anyway, this time, I am putting a stop to that crap. If you come to the hospital, be prepared to stay fior less than 30 minutes and you don't get to hold the baby unless I offer. And when I get home, you are invited when I invite you- not when you invite yourself. My dh travels for work so he is going to be home for a week and I am not going to share MY family time with people outside of my immediate family and I certainly don't want an audience while I am trying to get the hang of bfing.

Anyway, my point in all of this ranting is this: it is your (and dh) decision on who you want to come and see you. There will never be another 1st week in the life of your child and you should be able to enjoy the way YOU want to- not the way that others expect you to.

[LuckyMommaToo]

Well, I agree with you to a point. I'm a pretty private person, and my doula stressed to me how important family bonding time was. My mom said she would wait three days before coming (she's a four-hour plane trip away), but she ended up flying out the same day he was born. We didn't call anyone until he was born.

In your case, I'd probably go three or four weeks rather than six. I was super emotional when DH went back to work and was glad to have support. Also, I was surprised how proud I was of my little guy, and I was really happy to show him off and have everyone ooh and aah.

Good luck!
-Erin

[RiverSky]

A couple of months back I finally convinced DH that we will be too tired, exhausted, confused during the first 6 weeks to have family come 'help' with the baby.

If my sister or daughter or son told me that I couldn't see their new baby for 6 weeks, I'd be devastated. Babies change so much in the first 6 weeks, it's amazing.

I can totally understand that you are not interested in hosting for the first 6 weeks, that's fine, some people don't like hosting ever.

[unlike myself, we had a huge party to celebrate my daughter's first week (yes, 7 days after my c-section) with over 40 guests and we made it a huge potluck with tables full of food...which we bought or made ourselves.]

When I had both of my babies, I was so incredibly in love with them that I was dying to show them off. All of our family members agreed that they were both the most beautiful babies, ever. :lol

Do you think you could perhaps offer a small compromise? Perhaps tell your family that they may visit, but they need to bring dinner or order delivery so that you don't overstress yourselves, and they need to stay in a hotel and it can only be for say, 2 or 3 days tops and they can't spend the entire day at your house, just a couple/few hours each day.

Now that you have already told everyone that they may not visit at all...chances are that they'd welcome a visit even with really strict rules over not seeing the child at all for 6 weeks.

I also want to say how great it is that your DH is taking 3 weeks off...how wonderful. My DH did the same, 3 weeks (for the first child, we couldn't afford it for the second) and it was so much easier for him to feed us and take care of diapers and such (since I had c-sections) while I rested and recuperated. But you know, I was out shopping for baby clothes with my first baby when he was a week old, just walking slowly. ;)

I know you said that your DH is actually running with this line of thinking further than you would have yourself so he's going to have a big say too, but if you want visitors in the hospital (at least one or two of the most important ones, too many might be overwhelming...then again, when else do you have nurses and doctors and dieticians and lactation nurses at your beck and call, at the push of a button?), then tell him that.

Congratulations! Enjoy your baby, no matter what!

[Mamabeakley]

I am thinking about not inviting my mom to my birth this time and feeling guilty about it. She was absolutely fabulous for both my labor & birth and the 10 days she stayed with us afterwards last time. She arrived just as my water broke (7 hours into a 22 hour labor), 'hosted' the midwives while DH was my hands-on support, held DS while I had membranes manually extracted and a small tear stitched and 2 injections to stop me from hemorraging (my home-birth was wonderful except for this messy 3rd stage, btw - and we're having another home-birth, no question about it), and kept house while DH & I adjusted to the HUGE change of being responsible for a third person, together.

However, since I am expecting a shorter labor this time, I think it may stress me out to be waiting for her to arrive (she has about a 4 hour drive). I still want her to come, but maybe AFTER the baby is actually born rather than before.

My cousin-in-law had a homebirth last week. She is living with my PIL, so she's not trying to manage a household on her own - but she does have a two year old and no partner. She is starting a college course tomorrow. I feel kinda inadequate when I compare us - but comparisons are odious. She had a nine-hour labor and no hemorraghing.

I guess my point to the OP is that how you feel about having family around may depend somewhat on what your birth experience is like as well as all the other factors folks have already talked about. I lost a lot of blood at DS's birth. I NEEDED to rest and it was a huge help to have people visit who followed the orders on that midwife's sign. If I don't hemmoragh with this birth (which is certainly one of my goals!) I expect I'll be a lot more chipper post-partum this time.

Good luck!

[KBinSATX]

There is no way I can have my own family stay at a hotel. They would fly in from Europe and don't speak any English. That means not only will they not be willing to leave the house without me, I will also have to be translator between them and Dh for their 2 week stay.
I'd really rather have MIL over for a few days. She is very sweet and doesn't try to lecture me (like my Mom would). Thinking about it I think I will talk to DH about having his parents spend a few days.

[RiverSky]

There is no way I can have my own family stay at a hotel. They would fly in from Europe and don't speak any English. That means not only will they not be willing to leave the house without me, I will also have to be translator between them and Dh for their 2 week stay.

Oh yeah, that is a different story, there is no way in the world I would have wanted anyone staying for two weeks in the first month. Mind you, for my second child's birth, I had my mother fly in from another country and watch my first child while I was in the hospital, then she was there for another 4 or 5 days once I got home. That was extremely helpful, since then DH was able to focus on me and stay with me in the hospital without either of us worrying about our toddler.

In that case, yes, asking them to wait 6 weeks is perfectly reasonable, if that is what you want. It's not like they are a drive away and would be itching to stop by.


I'd really rather have MIL over for a few days. She is very sweet and doesn't try to lecture me (like my Mom would). Thinking about it I think I will talk to DH about having his parents spend a few days.

My mother was very helpful when she did come over and I was in bed resting, she would make me delicious meals and bring them to me on a tray and she cleaned up afterwards. She also doted on the baby and certainly, the more loved a baby is, the better for the baby, right? I'm lucky though, no lectures from my mother on child-rearing. :thumb

[Ksenia]

We asked people to stay away, including our parents. We just didn't know what to expect and wanted to protect our space. As it turned out we were happy to have visitors, but I still didn't regret setting boundaries. If we were having breastfeeding problems or health issues or whatever, it wouldn't have been fun having visitors. You can always change your mind afterwards!