Playdate dilemna WWYD?

[MamaBug]

Ok I am going to try and make a VERY long story short.

A boy in my ds ( age 5) class said some inappropriate things to him ( that he wanted to kiss a little girl in the class on the lips and on the privates) he then threatened ds by saying " If you tell anyone I will get my BB gun and shoot you dead" Ds was very nervous telling me because he was afraid this boy would kill him. I went to the teacher who said that both the dirty talk and the threat have happened before with this child and that she would take care of it. Ds also tells me that this boy and another boy make fun of him for anything remotely about love, like a love note in his lunch, a pink frosted haart cake for snack, a hug from me, a book he is reading, ANYTHING. He says they laugh and make fun of him so he is VERY conscious of anything that might set them off. Today ds came home and said that this boy hates ME because I said he could not ever sleep over, I in fact told ds some weeks ago that this boys mother said that he has never be TO a sleepover so we would have to wait and see. I feel as if this child is bullying my ds and my ds is unwilling to take a stand, which is NOT like him.

Now my dh and I are torn over whether or not to let ds go to this childs house anymore, after all the hoopla died down his mother has said they would like to still have playdates. I certainly believe that my child needs to make his own choices and learn that you don't have to be friends with everyone, and that you should keep away from people like this boy who are unkind. On the other hand I do not like what this boy taught him or that he was threatened. I told ds that if I let him have playdates with this boy that he HAS to tell me anything bad he says or does to him or else he will no longer be allowed on any playdates. I don't know what else to do. Should I just be honest and tell the mother (who btw went NUTS on me when I told the teacher about this incident and not her first) that for now we want to hold off on playdates, or what? I am stuck with this woman for the next 12 years!!!! HELP!!!

[Attached Mama]

OMG - I would stay as far away as possible! that is NOT normal for a 5 year old to be saying things about kissing on the privates etc. Sounds to me like something is very wrong. I mean even if a 5 year old is seeing people naked they don't have the hormones and shouldn't have the exposure to things to make them know about that kind of stuff.

If it were me I would be VERY concerned that the kid is seeing porn at home, being allowed or made to watch someone do it or quite likely even worse. That is not normal joking for a child that age KWIM?

I would not allow my son to be friends with him. I know it's nice to teach kids about what kind of people they want to be friends with by letting them make decisions, but IMO this is a case where your son is feeling very threatened, has been threatened by violence (does this 5 year old really have a bb gun?) and is being exposed to things that are not appropriate for a 5 year old.

IMHO I think your son needs you to protect him in this case and to keep him away from this child - to let him know that it is ok to stay away. I would even go so far as to speak with the school principal - tell him your son is being sexually harrassed and there is a threat of violence (whether any of it is just talk or a real threat shouldn't matter) and request that your son be put in a different kindergarten class.

As for the woman, I would simply explain that your son is very disturbed by the kind of things he is hearing and it is nothing personal against her. She will still probably be offended tho, but who is more important - her or your son? I feel sorry for her as she must be really hurting knowing her son is saying things like that and probably wondering why. That is really scary.

[Llyra]

I agree. At that age, I would not allow my child to play with that child anymore, and I would insist that the school take action, document the incident, and inform you of what action was taken.

[MamaBug]

See that is what my gut tells me to do. This other boy is actually a year old then my ds, so he is almost 7 ( he repeated kindergarden because he was not socially ready to go ahead), but I am pretty sure as you said hormones are not in play yet, but maybe I am wrong.

Thankfully no the boy does not own any guns in his home, during his mothers tirade against me where I defended telling the teacher first, she told me they do not own weapons nor has her child ever even seen one. Funny thing is that both my boys have shot BBguns with my dh, and we own several hunting rilfes and handguns ( all locked away from sight) and neither of my boys has EVER threatened to use these guns on ppl.

And that is the other thing, even though this was discussed with the teacher and the parent another friend of mine said that I should have a formal complaint made at the school to have it on file in the event that this is a pattern that continues in the ensuing years.

I did ask my ds if I could move him to the afternoon session and he said, no mommy then I won't know anyone. I do not want to do that to him, there are alot of other really nice kids in his class. Unfortunately alot of kids are attracted to the trouble makers, iykwim

[3_opihi]

I agree with the previous posters. The teacher should have, by law, reported and documented that little comment. If she didn't, you really need to go higher up and talk to the principal -not just for the sake of your ds, and anyone else who is being bullied -- but also for the little boy. I can see if he said something like that--- sometimes little kids experiment---but the fact that he threatened to hurt the little boy if he told, major red flag. Also, the way the mom sounds a little off. I think most parents would be very concerned, mortified, alarmed. But it sounds like she got angry at you for not telling her first? Another major red flag.

I think its probably best to not allow ds on playdates with this boy for now. Probably some stuff is going down with his parents that you don't need your kid exposed too, and sadly neither does the little boy :( I hope he gets the help it sounds like he needs and I hope that everything works out for you guys. He sounds like he is pretty angry about something, hurting inside and not knowing how to deal with it, and taking it out on other kids. Hugs all around.

[MamaBug]

The other thing is that this childs dad is working from home on occasion and I don't know what the deal is with that kwim?

I agree the mother is off. She got VERY mad at me because I didn't tell her before I told the teacher. She spent 99% of our conversation focusing on what she felt I did wrong instead of what her child did. NOT what I was expecting at all and when I talked to her again yesterday I told her that. I also made her understand that even though I made a different choice then she would have I still did nothing wrong and she needs to focus on her ds.

I honestly may just blame my dh, god love him he would let me, and say that for right now he would rather that they boys only play at school. I mean I thought about letting the boy only come here, but again I am not on top of them 100% of the time and if I don't let my ds go there she will ask questions and honestly I am just done trying to defend my choices.

[3_opihi]

Aggh!! WARNING FLAGS! WARNING FLAGS!! Seriously, this needs to be reported. For this little boys sake. :hug

[USAmma]

I would not let my 5yo, or my 15yo for that matter, go to the house of that child. Those threats and talk need to be taken seriously by the school. If you feel your child is being bullied and they are not doing anything about it, would you be willing to move your child to another class?

Even if you have guns in your home, your ds is being taught the proper way to handle them and respect them. Certainly making threats to shoot someone is NOt appropriate at all. I feel bad for your ds that he's being teased and bullied like that. :(

[philomom]

Sorry, I would give this family the steer clear. I don't need that kind of stuff in my life and neither does your son.

[EnviroBecca]

Anybody who would threaten your child with physical harm is not an appropriate playmate even AT school. I would not allow any future playdates and would encourage him to avoid this boy at school. (However, I would not say, "If I find out you've been playing with him, you'll be in trouble," or anything like that. Just explain that he is not a good choice of friend.) His not actually owning a gun is irrelevant; the important thing is that he threatened and frightened your son.

The talk of kissing the girl's privates alarms me less. I disagree that kids don't think of such things unless they're molested or seeing porn; they know that kissing is a giggly subject and privates are a giggly subject, so why not put the two together to be extra-shocking? I think the boy purposely thought up something he knew would shock your son so he would want to tell, then threatened him with harm if he told, in order to mess with his mind and feel powerful. Not a good friend!

Teaming up with another boy to tease your son is another sign that he's not a good friend. This, as well as the threat, should be reported to the school, and the teacher should do something to try to stop it.

Try not to worry about the other mom's opinion at all. This may not be her fault, but you've done nothing wrong in taking it seriously.

[MamaBug]

I cannot do anything about him talking to him at school and if I did move him to another class it would be harder for my ds then just leaving it as is and talking about finding better friends. We have had 3 playdates this week with children that I think are wonderful and I am encouraging him to go with them during class time.

I volunteer with the teacher on Fridays and I plan to talk to her then about trying her best to keep them apart as to where they sit during snack/circle/work time. I also plan to discuss this with the principal after I once again discuss it with the teacher.

I am not really that worried about this other woman. I realize that my choices have to be what is best for my child. I am going to tell her that my dh is not comfortable with my son having playdates with her ds at this point, and that maybe after some time has passed and such we can re talk about it. I am also requesting that this boy not be in my ds class next year. The thing that sucks is that all the classes have lunch and recess together and you KNOW crap happens then too. So there is really no getting away from this kid 100% unless we home school which while tempting is just not an option right now.