Trying to write, so sad

[mackenziesmama]

Today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my labor and I'm trying to write the birth story. I am so sad. The birth ended with my second unwanted, semi-forced surgical delivery.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I just want someone to listen to me. I feel so, so, so bad and can't stop crying.

Please if you can think of something to help, I'd love to hear from you.

I'm sorry to bother you, I just want to let it out. Thank you.

[Lucky Charm]

Oh, Mama :Hug

I am sorry you are so upset. I had birth trauma from my first, and it took my third with a midwife before I could really move on.

I wont ramble, because there are so many better qualified members who could better help you work through your grief. I just didn't want to read and not post. I wish there was something I could do.

[saritabeth]

I am so sorry you are hurting. I had a surgical delivery with my first and it did take some doing to heal and move on. I found myself feeling very sad around my dd's first birthday...I had just wanted something very different for myself and for her. Keep talking about your birth experiences...keep writing. Cry...get it out!

I also found for myself that recieving massage/body work on my abdomal area was very healing and made me feel 'whole' again. I also found that I needed to forgive my body and 'make up' because I did feel very failed by my body.

Im sure you and your baby and your body all did your very very best. Im sorry it didn't unfold the way you wanted. Be gentle with yourself...and happy first birthday to your little one!!

[dlm194]

A couple weeks ago my dh was playing the soundtrack to the movie Fightclub in his car. There is this 1 song where Brad Pitt sort of chants a whole bunch of lines about how "you are not your XYZ..."

You are not your BMW
You are not your mocha latte
You are not your job

Those aren't exact song quotes, but you get the picture. You are not defined by what you own or what you do.

You are NOT your surgical birth.

I'm sorry that this is causing you so much pain! We are listening if you want to write your story. From your siggy, it appears that you are AP/NFL in every other aspect. Celebrate that. Be gentle with yourself. I know it's hard to accept a birth that hasn't gone the way you wanted, especially when you were forced into it.

<<<hugs>>>

[rootzdawta]

I don't really have anything to say but I wanted to send you a :Hug and re-iterate what someone said before: you are not your c/s . . . it doesn't define you or make you less than.

Peace and blessings. :)

[Breathless Wonder]

I just wanted to send you a :hug.

I'm sorry that you were unable to have the birth you wanted, and sorry that it is still having a negative impact on you.

Wishing you healing and peace.

[mandib50]

:hug ohh mama :( what really helped me was to cry and to grieve and then to cry some more. is there a support group near you who could offer help? like a VBAC support group? the one i know of it didn't matter if you were planning a VBAC or not they were there to help you grieve your loss. do you have any friends you could share your pain with?

i'm so sorry mama.

[MommytoTwo]

I'm so sorry... I have had 2 unwanted c/s as well...

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

[LadyMarmalade]

Hugs to you!

A traumatic birth takes a long time to recover from. Actually, I don't think I'll ever be completely healed emotionally. The thing which helped me most was his brother's peaceful birth 3 years afterwards.

[BookGoddess]

I had as unnatural a birth as one could have topped off with a C-Section and my daughter ending up in the NICU for a few days. But if I had to give birth to DD through my nose I would have done it. I really wanted a natural, unmedicated birth too but in the end what matters most is that a healthy child is born. Emotionally, I felt fine after my c-section. I was a bit upset that I didn't get the experience I wanted but the circumstances of my labor were such I think a section was the right thing to do. But I guess everyone is different. You definitely have a right to feel bad about not having it go the way you wanted. Try to keep in mind the end result (a healthy baby) and don't get down on yourself about something out of your control. It just wasn't meant to be a vaginal delivery for you.

I hope you feel better soon. :hug

[JanetF]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It's very common unfortunately. Sorry bookgoddess but a healthy baby is not the only goal of labour and birth. A healthy baby needs a healthy mother who is physically, emotionally and spiritually intact to care for him or her and obviously mackenziesmama was none of those after a forced surgical birth. Birth and the baby are very separate.

Mackenziesmama I wish you support and healing in your own way. :hug You might find this helpful:
http://www.joyousbirth.info/articles/dealingtraumaticbirth.html

[because]

How about checking for an ICAN (http://www.ican-online.org/) chapter near you?

:Hug

[BookGoddess]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It's very common unfortunately. Sorry bookgoddess but a healthy baby is not the only goal of labour and birth. A healthy baby needs a healthy mother who is physically, emotionally and spiritually intact to care for him or her and obviously mackenziesmama was none of those after a forced surgical birth. Birth and the baby are very separate.

I didn't say a healthy baby doesn't need a healthy mother. :) I was merely pointing out it's normal to feel sad about not having the birth one expected but a healthy baby is the outcome that most women I know want from a birth be it a section or a vaginal delivery. I should add that even an unmedicated natural birth doesn't always turn out exactly as one imagines either. We can plan as much as we want for our labor and delivery but sometimes the circumstances turn on us and we don't get what we want. Not trying to start an argument but I wanted to clarify what I posted earlier.

[busybusymomma]

Nothing to add, but I wanted to send :Hug your way mackenziesmama.

[damyen's mommy]

I just didn't want to read without sending you a big :Hug. I'm sorry it was so traumatic for you.

[Lizajoy]

Dearest,

My love goes out to you. May I suggest that you think of all the POSITIVE things you, as a conscience and loving mother, have been able to do FOR you baby?

Most babies do not have the benefits of co-sleeping, breastfeeding, being continually held in loving arms...how fortunate your children (present and future) are to have such a wonderful mom...

No matter how hard we try, how well we plan, how late we lie awake at night with the "what if's" we can't give our children everything we would like to. We give them what we can, and believe it or not, if it's the best we can do, it's usually enough.

Celebrate what you have been able to do for your children.

Love,

Lizajoy

[Susannah M]

Hugs to you - I know in the past it has really helped me to work through my grief if I can take the time to write out what I am feeling. Is this something that you have tried? I have not had a similar experience, but a close friend of mine did and I know that three years after the birth of her first child she is trying to work through some of the issues she has had since then so she will be able to work through the birth of her second child and be more "available" to this new baby. . . again, hugs to you.
-Susannah

[mamachandi]

Today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my labor and I'm trying to write the birth story. I am so sad. The birth ended with my second unwanted, semi-forced surgical delivery.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I just want someone to listen to me. I feel so, so, so bad and can't stop crying.

Please if you can think of something to help, I'd love to hear from you.

I'm sorry to bother you, I just want to let it out. Thank you.
I just wanted to send :throb your way and hope you heal in whatever way you need to.

[RockStarMom]

Most babies do not have the benefits of co-sleeping, breastfeeding, being continually held in loving arms...how fortunate your children (present and future) are to have such a wonderful mom...
So true! Your children are so lucky. I admire you so much for educating yourself and wanting to do what's best for your babies, and I'm so sorry things didn't go according to plan. I hope you feel better. :heartbeat

[coobabysmom]

Mama-

You certainly have a right to grieve your birth experience... (((((((((((((many hugs)))))))))))))))) to you.

[stellimamo]

Hang in there. I had my C/S in May and I'm still crying and processing. But I didn't allow myself to greive until recently because I thought I was selfish because my baby was alive and so many others aren't. I don't know the pain will ever go away.

I saw the C/S awareness ribbon on th ICAn site. I plan on getting one and displaying it proudly. Maybe, just maybe that will help the grieving process.

[emdeecee_sierra]

:Hug oh, mama, I feel for you and my heart goes out to you! It is ok to cry, to grieve, to rage about what was done to you! It is ok to feel this way! My first was a "surgical birth" and I've come to grips with the fact that I will never be over that. I had something stolen from myself and my baby. I will always regret that I will always be sad about it. Time takes some of the edge off the hurt. But on each of my DC#1's birthdays, I am always sad. Always weepy (in private, I try my hardest not to let anyone else see my pain, I don't want to ruin or taint his birthday!) and always looking at the clock, (I am tearing up right as I type) sick to my stomach at how many hours it was between them cutting him from my body and me being able/"allowed" to hold him, to SEE him, even. I don't know if hearing this will make you feel any better, but please know you are not alone in your feelings of upset and loss; they are legitimate and worthy, valid, to-be-expected feelings.

[odenata]

You're not alone - hugs, mama.

I found that writing out my birth story was very theraputic, although incredibly hard to do. I also did birth trauma counseling (I'm lucky that I have good people in my area for this).

I would encourage joining the ICAN online support group (http://www.ican-online.org/community/emailsupport.php), which I have found really helpful (also lots of women who could give great advice about having a hba2c!).

Let yourself grieve what you lost. It's important. I think sometimes women feel selfish or guilty for feeling sad about a birth that resulted in a healthy child, like they don't a "right" to feel sad about what they lost. For me, I genuinely grieve that I missed those first few moments of bonding with my child, that it was harder to do everything those first few weeks while recovering from surgery.

I hope you find a path to healing that works for you.

[mackenziesmama]

Oh mamas, thank you so much for your many words of advice and encouragement. I am very greatful for everything everyone has said. I have printed out all of the posts and read them frequently.

I finally did write her birth story, it is long-8 typed pages, so I don't know if I can post it on here or if its too long/boring. It was helpful to get it all out.

I also talked to the midwife who helped me during this pregnancy and will deliver my next baby at home. (Our intent was to have a hb with dd, but due to a temporary medical condition, midwife did not feel comfortable doing hb but did provide supplemental prenatal care during pregnancy). Midwife suggested that I try to grieve my loss, similar to the greiving process of when a person dies. I know, it's hardly comparable, but I was robbed of something I really, really wanted.

My new question is this...a very dear friend of mine is pregnant with second child and is planning a repeat c/s due to all hospitals within a 75 mile radius having vbac bans. How can I support her decision when I tried everything I possibly could to avoid my surgeries? I know that a woman has a right to choose and all that, but this is such a delicate subject for me. It certainly won't interfere with our friendship, but it is hard to see someone sign up for something that still causes me a lot of pain.

Thank you again mamas. I wish that I could give everyone a hug to let you all know how appreciative I am.

[2 in August]

Hi,
I just wanted to say that I had a very scary birth/postpartum experience. As much as I wanted to have another baby, I was still scared to death to go through it all again and my "baby" is 4yo. I just got pg (a surprise) and I'm having a lot of anxiety about being pg/labor/delivery/postpartum.

So I don't have any great advice, I just wanted you to know you're not alone in grieving/worrying.

[Cyneburh]

Hi Mackenziesmama!

I had a traumatic birth experience also and though it didn't end in a ceserean, it was pretty bad. I had many people tell me that they'd prefer a cesearean any day over what the hospital did to me. I can tell you that simply having a healthy baby is not enough and it's hard when those around you are telling you to get over it and move on. I can't tell you how often my husband told me I was holding a grudge and needed to get over it. :irked:

But I can also tell you that it does get better. My second pregnancy and birth were amazing. That is what helped my healing more then anything else. I tood a lot of time before I was pregnant and made a list of "birth wishes". Not a birth plan persay but a list of things that I wanted differently. They didn't even depend on outcome, they depended on how I was treated emotionally during the process. Things like... if my labor wasn't progressing but there was no distress on either the part of me or the baby, then my caretakers were to simply let it go. If it slowed down or stopped, let it. I was going to birth in the position *I* wanted and if that was difficult on the midwife/OB, they weren't pregnant, they could move. It was basically a bunch of empowering things that I felt would have made the experience go better. Each item touched on things that had gone wrong emotionally during the birth or where I'd felt that I'd been overuled with no good medical reason.

I also typed up my birth story and shared it with my midwife. I had a lot of nervousness going into the birth and as the midwife heard my story, she understood exactly why. With my permission, this story was put into my file with her so that it could be taken into account during the birth of my son (#2).

My second birth was a homebirth and because we weren't doing anything to get labor "regular" or "active" my son arrived after 3 days of supposedly prodromal labor with no "active" labor. The midwife was called when I was crowning. :D It was wonderful.

My pregnancy now is so different. I'm only 8 weeks or so along but I don't have those feelings of dread that I had at the start of pg#2. I'm also much more empowered.

Healing will come. You're on the right track. But birthdays are still hard. We schedule dd's birthday on the saturday nearest so that I don't have to listen to mil talk about what a happy day that was.

(hitting post so I don't lose the post with my son crawling on my lap and keyboard)