Depressed

[ellymay]

OMG I am feeling so depressed and so lonely here lately actually for the
past month or so and it is really bothering me......I am just feeling like dh
doesn't love this child......with ds he was always rubbing my stomach and
worring about me picking anything up and now he NEVER touches my stomach
unless I go to him and put his hand on there and then he acts uninterested and he sees me carrying a huge basket of laudry and he could care less about or getting up to help me and this is just really bothersome bc this
is my last pg (99% sure) and I want to enjoy it but I want to enjoy it with
him and he just doesn't even seem to care....I have been making it a point
to spend less time on the net during the day to get everything done so
that I can sit with him and spend time with him at night to see if he will
atleast act interested in the pg and it hasn't worked at all and anyways
I am just feeling really depressed I have tried everything I know to make
myself feel better but nothing is working all I am doing is occuping my time
so I dont' think about it but it doesn't make the lonlieness go away :bawl ......
sorry this is kind of a vent but I just needed to get it out thanks for listening
even though I am not on here much anymore but I do ck in on yall just don't spend alot of time posting anymore........

[Ksenia]

I can relate Ellymay. Dh seems totally uninterested in this PG and never touches my belly or talks about the baby or the birth. Occasionally in the first trimester he would give me stern lectures about my nutrition when I couldn't eat - thanks :irked: . Because caring for our 27 mo ds takes such a toll on us, we just don't seem to have enough time and energy to really connect. This is our last baby too. I wish that dh was more nurturing and protective of me right now. He doesn't seem to care about how exhausting it is to haul ds around, do all the housework, etc. I don't think that dh recognizes how much work (physical and emotional) is involved in being pregnant. I often have to listen to him whining about being tired and his array of physical discomforts from his athletic endeavours :rolleyes . I know that dh will adore the new baby, etc. but family life has been really hard on our marriage :( . Sometimes I think I need a totally innocent (non-sexual) "affair" with a guy who just pampers me and asks how I'm doing and tells me how fab my whale-like body looks, etc. :nut

[Unreal]

oh :( :(
I was wondering where you were :(

:Hug
:Hug

I say ditch the housework and join the rest of us MDC addicts here all day ;)
We love you lots and will shower you with attention
And we'll definitely tell you to put down the laundry basket!!!

:love


I'm sorry your dh isn't being supportive
Mine was like that last time around. I was so mad
I was single during when I was pg with ds1
I thought everything was supposed to be so different with a dh around
:flipped :flipped :flipped

dh is much better this time--with wanting to feel the baby and whatnot, but I still never get a helping hand unless I specifically ask (which I never do..cause I'm stubborn like that)

I have a feeling it has nothing to do with you or the baby....but with where your dh is in his head right now.
Could it be that he is freaked a bit about how you (as a family) are going to adjust to 3 kids? or is bitter about 'losing' you to another baby, when he was just getting you back?

I know both of those were issues with my dh...he was totally unprepared for losing me to the pregnancy and then the baby. We weren't out of touch, exactly, but we certainly weren't in synch.
And I know he has a 'I'm the bread-winner' mentality and sometimes gets freaked over the never-ending financial responsibility that goes with a family...

If only they knew what it was like having the never ending responsibility of mommy-hood!!!
If he just had ONE day of mommy-guilt, I think he would have a break-down :lol

anyhow--I'm serious about being here if you need.
And about showering you with attention :) :)

:love

[*GreenMama*]

I was worrying DH wasn't into the whole pregnancy thing until he finally perked up yesterday. Baby kicked him in the ear and he's all into it now. I'm sure things will get better. Have you shared your concerns with him yet? Men can be pretty dense, maybe he just needs to know how you feel?

Good Luck!

[ellymay]

Ksenia - IKWYM about the innocent affair thing if I could bring myself to do it sometimes I think I would but I just can't and would never. Just last night he
was complaining that his back hurt which he does all the time so I say bc I
am totally annoyed with him that alot more than just my back hurts whether
I am laying down or not....well that just p'd him off but ya know I listen to his
crap about being sore or his back hurting all the time and I never complain about
what hurts me which is a whole lot more than just my back and ya know what
he has the nerve to say well yours will go away once that baby comes out.....
Not only did that p me off but "that baby" WTF he won't even say her name
and he has only said her name maybe 2 times since we found out she was a she.

Lauren - I just can't get into being on here as much right now I mean I am trying
to potty train ds before Briana gets here and I am not having a whole lot of luck
wtih that which is very frustrating to me and the fact that dh doesn't even try
and help me. I was feeling like I was spending more time on here and less time
straightening up and spending qualitly time with the kids so IDK I may start coming
on more but as of right now I just feel I need someone to say they love me and
want me around and my kids all do that..........
Yeah I don't ask dh for help anymore bc the other day I asked him to come help
me with the dishes and he wouldn't and that offended me that I can't even ask
for help and get it. Last night I was asking him to start helping me with the kids
anymore and of course he throws that he is the only one that works around here
in my face and I said ya know I may not get paid but I work a whole lot harder in
1 day than you ever do at your work and I don't get off ever my hrs last 24/7
but anyways he was saying so he should have to work and do half of my work
OMG I didn't know I was being watched on what I did and how much work I did
and I certainly didn't know that helping me with OUR kids was 1/2 of my work I
mean if that was half wow I really must not be doing anything.....roll eyes.....
IDK if the financial responsibilitly thing is an issue with him or not I mean I have
said definatly when all the kids are in school I will get a part time job bc I don't
wanna sit here all day with nothing to do and no kids here but I mean it isn't like
that is going to bring in any extra money for bills or anything. Even if I got a full
time job it still wouldn't do anything but pay for the day care to have the kids
in while I worked and I have even showed dh this on paper that it wouldn't matter
if I worked or not and yet he still brings it up.
I told him last night that there is no way he could do what I do all day and night
I mean he doesn't have his sleep disturbed and he doesn't have to bust his butt
all day to get the house cleaned just to have someone wake up and mess the
house up again and not one thank you or anything......Anyways......I am
just so depressed right now and I hope I start feeling better soon or things
between dh and I are just going to get worse.

CindyCaz - I have tried talking to him about the not touching my belly or anything
and he just gets offended and mad at me so I give up on trying to talk to him.
He doesn't care how I feel unfortunatly atleast that is how I see it.

[Unreal]

aww man

You asked for help and he wouldn't????
That is low :angry :angry :angry
:(


I have a lot of problems with dh not realizing/recognizing how much work it is to be at home with the kids. He just doesn't get it and doesn't think the house needs to be cleaned or anything :irked:

One of my dear dear friends
who I always envision as having this perfect relationship with her VERY helpful husband
told me one point, just shy of losing it (they have 4 kids whom she homeschools)
She made two time tables--for every 10 minutes of the day and night.

They each filled it out.
He had NO clue how little free time she had or how much she did during the day.

Even my dh--he stayed home with the kids for 9 months while I was a wohm. He was going CRAZY at home with them--and that was with sitting in front of the computer the whole time never doing anything WITH the kids
and as soon as I got home, he was off duty.
So I got my job, the kids, and the housework
:irked: :irked:

I wish I could do more than send :Hug
and I wish I knew some magic fix for things with your dh



on a side note, about potty training...
with ds1, *nothing* worked until we started taking him to sit every 15 minutes (set a watch to beep). We (me and his daycare provider at the time :love) did that for about a week then stretched it out to every 20 minutes
then every 30 minutes
then every 45 minutes
then every hour

Basically, we had to teach him to know what it felt like to have an empty bladder vs a full one.
He was a few months shy of 4 when he finally potty trained.

As it warms up, it might get easier too--since you can let ds run around nekkid ;)

Hopefully the process isn't too stressful for either of you :hug

[ellymay]

Yes it was very low for him to do that and I just let him have it too bc I said that
isn't fair that I am not even allowed to ask for help.
Dh goes crazy even after only being up for 30 min so he has to see how much I deal
with all day and night long but he acts like it is no big deal I mean if it was up to
him dd would never be at school on time bc he is so dang lazy.

About the potty training he knows what to do and how to go he just doesn't want to although (knock on wood) this is his 2nd day in underware and has only had
1 accendent so he is getting there but now I am trying to figure out how to keep
him dry at night bc he still wakes up soaking wet(his pull up that is)and I try and
keep him from drinking much before bed and get him to go to the potty before
bed but he still wakes up wet so IDK what to do about that.

[mamacatsbaby]

Big hugs mama. :hug :Hug :hug Haven't read any of the other posts. Gotta run out the door. Be back later!

[mamacatsbaby]

Oh mama, I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time with DH. I certainly hope that things can open up and you guys will be able to talk more about what you each are feeling. :hug Good luck with the PL :fingersx: . Won't that be awesome when DS gets there! :thumb If you need more venting, like Unreal said, we'll listen anytime! :wink Please take extra loving care of yourself mama. :hug

[SpudinPhilly]

BIG hugs to you! Poor you - sounds like you've been having no breaks - except yayee for the day-time potty training! I cannot imagine how stressful it might be as we're expecting our first. My husband likes to joke about me getting up by noon (haha, very funny!!), and lounging around and then taking cat naps - and then I have to keep reminding him that "taking the piss" (he's British) isn't funny and the joke's getting tired already. If it wasn't for my Domestic Goddess duties (besides being a freelance yoga teacher p/t), he would live in a pig stie and no food on the table. He doesn't mean harm by it, and just needs to be reminded how I'm feeling and that I'm sensitive, as men in general aren't mind readers (as much as we would love to think they are). So, it may sound like nagging, but if he cannot read your mind, he needs this gentle reminding once in a while.

How about trying "going on strike" one weekend when he's around and see how he handles your job. That would be the aggresive way of getting yoru message across I suppose. Or how about using that time table thhat the other Momma posted about home-schooling and use that as a way to juggle looking after the family/home and sharing responsibilities?

Sounds like marriage counceling might be another good option for you though (that's what I would do if nothing else gets through), unless you have time to do some side reading which could help a lot - it's a book with some very easy to use ideas - it's a good way to get your message across without putting the other on the defensive/offensive, and even it he hasn't a clue how to use the ideas themselves, you needn't worry about teaching him - you can set an example:
Nonviolent Communication, by Rosenberg

The book is pretty small and it's easy reading.

This author also has one for communicating with children too, which I plan on getting.

... you can order it with www.abebooks.com 2nd hand I think, if not amazon.

Also, as far as potty training, try getting some info from EC (Elimination Communication) websites, for ideas how to transition your child even through the nights.

[ellymay]

We've tried couseling and it just didn't help anything really bc I talked the whole time
and he would just sit there in silence......We dont' do much on the weekends anyways
and we aren't usually together he is at his moms with his son and I am at my moms with the other 2 so weekends are kind of out......

Do yall think that it could be that this is going to be HIS first dd (biological)? I have
been thinking and maybe he is just scared this time bc he has had 2 sons and now
all the sudden he is going to have a dd. Do yall think that could be a reason for him
acting the way he is? He wouldn't admit it I don't think one way or the other but I
thought I would ask and see what yall thought.

[mamacatsbaby]

Hmmm, that's a good question ellymay. I'm sure that could certainly be an issue for him. Especially since he's so used to having sons. I think a lot of men tend to get even more so freaked out by the idea of having a daughter. They worry about how to relate to her, the possibilities of her getting taken advantage of out in the world, etc. So maybe this isn't the only thing going on with him but maybe it's a big part of it? Hmm...

Maybe you guys need a way to reconnect? Is there any way that the two of you could get away together for a day or two for some alone time before the babe comes? Does your DH usually not express how he's feeling to you verbally? Hmm...

[Rowenta]

Men are all about the here and NOW. To him the baby isn't here yet, he will cross that bridge when he gets there. If you look at my post, i have much experience with this. My husband reacts to every child diffferently. With the 1st he was all involved and such, but with the 2nd (and then 3rd, etc...) he is more involved with the kids he CAN do something with and sort of leaves it to me to take care of this one.
Now having said all that, My husband is MUCH more bonded with this one because we have been on the verge of losing him since 15 weeks. I have been on bedrest ever since and he has had to take a particular interrest in our well being. I think that has helped us BOTH bond. Now we are having to talk about issues pertaining to a premature birth...buriel if he doesn't make it ....etc....
My husband never rubbed my belly before (but did get big ole eyes as the boobs grew, lol) but he has been alot lately. Not just when I am sitting there, but when he is hugging me and such. I am now having some balancing issues with my inner ear, so I can barely walk and run into things all the time......I have noticed that he is *rubbing* more when he is helping me to walk across the room.
Alot of it might be he feels helpless as to what to do. He might be feeling the added pressures of fatherhood (although my hubby got over that lONG ago, lol) and doesn't want to burden you with that. See if he can come to a doc appointment or u/s appointment with you (even if you have to beg). This will help it seem more *real* (as if our bellys were real enough, lol) to him. Also joining him on where the baby will sleep (nurserys don't exhist for us anymore) and what kind of diapers to use will help him bond better.

good luck! and don't be depressed!!!

kristi