Its just because you're at home...

[Jenlaana]

My daughter is 3 months old and I've been home for about 5 months now over all. We decided that I would stay home until our daughter is 2 yrs old atleast because we just feel that until then she belongs at home with me. I have some emotional concerns that I wanted to talk to my husband about, and had been holding off and holding off, hoping not to unload on him incase I was just having a bad day. After putting it off for about a week I decided to bare my soul and tell him how I feel... basically that I wish he would take more responsibility for his daughter so that I didn't feel like I was the parent and he was just my 'helper' when it was convenient. Plus just a general feeling of being an extention of our daughter or used for him to get off and nothing more (sorry if thats too graphic but at most I've gotten quickies every now and then and it has started to feel more like my 'wifely duty' than the highly anticipated act of love that it always has been in the past). I think my concerns are pretty real, and I'm getting more and more unhappy with my life and wanted to let him know before it blew up.

I was in tears telling him how I felt tonight... and after listening to it all, all he said was "I think you're just driving yourself nuts because you're home...I don't think anything is wrong at all, and you're just overanalyzing things" I am so crushed. :( I can't even sleep because I'm so hurt by him saying that. :( I don't feel like I should ever talk to him...I mean how will I get him to take me serious if he writes off my needs as "self inflicted overanalyzed imaginary feelings"? I don't know what to do... I just want to cry..and remind him that if I ever don't feel loved and appreciated I'm out the door...but how can I do that when its no longer true? We have a baby now, so those words, which rang so true before this point, seem hallow as I know it would take something very extreme for me to ever break up what is now our family. :(

Thank you for listening. I don't think there's any real answer to my dilema, but I just needed to vent. :(

[RiverSky]

Awww, I'm so sorry for your sadness. :hug
We went through a short period similar to yours years ago and my DH wrote it off lightly when I told him about it. I was crushed and so upset. A few days later, I got him to sit down and have a serious discussion and was very clear about how hurt I'd been, how my feelings WERE very valid and that I was totally offended by his cavalier attitude toward them...and he totally backtracked, said he didn't mean it at all, he just thought I'd get over it, etc. I think it's also because he has trouble talking about feelings and couldn't handle getting that deep into it at the moment.

Anyway, I think my point is that after we had an emotional discussion about it, I made it very clear to him that it was not acceptable and I did not want to live my life like that...and he totally, absolutely learned his lesson.

Your baby is only 3 months old and both of you have gone through so much change that I'm certain that neither of you have figured it all out yet.

I swore I couldn't stay home for more than 6 months, because I thought it would drive me crazy. Even a week or two after my first baby was born, I kept worrying about my job, the company I had worked for, that I had forgotten to tell them something, I hoped they have remembered to do such-and-such, and it took many, many months before I just couldn't even care less any more.

Take a deep breath, it will pass, but definitely, have a nice talk (and perhaps cry) with your DH and tell him clearly how you feel, make sure he understands and listen to his feelings, too. It may be hard for him to articulate them.

As for your private time, he may be rushing because he feels that you are not as into it as he wants you to be, or because you are rushed due to the baby, or if you are nursing, that you will be needed in a moment and he's trying not to be a "bother". I'm sure you two will find your rhythm again, it just might take a while. :)

[frannyfresh]

My DH was similar and it could about 9months or so for him to feel confortable and confident enough to take on more "responsibities" w/ DD. He still waits for me to change her diaper but it is only becasue she is such a squirmer that he is afraid of exerting the force neccessary to get the job done. I hope you work things out with your DH, maybe he just needs time.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Hang in there--I think men and women really do parent differently. I've seen so many of my friends who are mothers doing the lion's share of the work and I see this in my own home as well.
Tonight is a perfect example--it is a rare event when we go out--so tonight we are out with my parents and my dh (dumb husband) spends his whole evening talking to my dad while I am wiping hands and faces, feeding the toddlers and managing tempers by finger games, etc.
Any attempt to get him involved results in a half-a$$ response on his part--example, leans over to help ds with a straw and spills half the milk down his shirt; ds then starts crying because he is now wet and cold with wet milk all down and inside his shirt. DH just looks to me to get him out of the mess that he has created. UGH.
And we've been married for 10 years, together over 15 and waited until we had been married 8 years to have kids.
And my dh is a very responsible business leader and a good overall man. He put me through my PhD. But I'll swear, he is CLUELESS about the kids and what it takes to really focus on their needs.
You are new to this, take your time and maybe write your feelings down (when you have a free minute, which may be impossible now)--if nothing else, it will help to diffuse the immediate stress/anxiety/anger/resentment/whatever feelings you have until you both have the hang of parenting and can really talk about it.
I think that a lot of men look to the mothers of their children to guide them through parenting. At least that seems to be my observation. They seem to forget that no one gave us a manual either!!!

[Lucky Charm]

You know, your post made me teary eyed! I so get what you are saying.

I'll be honest, I went back to work because of many of the same things you are feeling and for the same reasons. I do not regret it, but I can tell you that my husband does. Every day.

He feels that if he were a better husband, more appreciative and supportive of my efforts at home, then I would still be there. And he might be right. But we'll never know.

Keep talking to him. And if need be there is always counseling....a wonderful un biased third party could help alot (it did us).

Good luck :hug

[zannster]

We've been going through the same thing. Your whole first paragraph applies to us too, with minor detail changes (like my son is now a little over a year old). My concerns go largely unheard, yet he complains about how little sex he gets. Sometimes my thinking gets all black and white...like how can I go on like this? How can I have any more children with this person? What's going to become of our relationship? Then there are days when the little one is a good mood, I'm in a good mood, and everything seems okay for now. I think more talks are in order before we'll really get everything straightened out. Some compromise is necessary. Good luck to you!

[Jenlaana]

Thank you so much for all of the warm responses. I do have a lot of good days where I just appreciate what I have and try really hard not to think about the negative stuff, but sometimes it just boils over. I did finally have a chance to talk to my husband after just not saying more than 5 words for 24 hours because I was afraid I would say something really nasty that I couldn't take back. He seemed sincerely sad that he hurt my feelings and I think he really wants me to be happy. I know that he loves me, I think that we just sort of forgot about eachother with everything going on. Although he was the one that wanted a baby (was a hard concept for me to handle due to some old wounds and a rough time raising my son alone for 7 yrs), I realize now that he had no idea how much work it would be, even though I told him a hundred times. He's trying to adjust, but after not having to concern himself with anyone other than himself for the past 32 years, I understand it being an adjustment (not that he was a spoiled child or anything :rolleyes )

No clue what to do about the other issue. It was always an issue to some degree, but every second we spent together was TOGETHER, cuddling and watching TV, romantic dinners, etc, so I didn't mind the rest so much. Thats just not an issue I can get him to discuss with me though. In that we may actually need a therapist or something. I'm hoping that things will work themselves out with time.

I totally hear you on the half hearted attempts at assistance though. I'm hoping that will get better with time too. I ask him to take care of her for a little while so I can have a break (I've been sick a lot the past 2 weeks) but the second she puts anything near her mouth he swears she's hungry and drops her on my lap and then runs off before finding out if its true or not...usually not because I've learned not to give her to him until right after I feed her. And while I hold her or play with her almost all the time when I have her, I give her to him and he puts her in her playpen or swing or whatever, and then lets her cry for a moment before he picks her up (I really think he does it because he knows I will jump up and go get her and then he gets out of it)

wow, what a rant. didnt realize I had so much to get off my chest. I do love my husband. I just wish we could communicate better than we do. :(