Big Ol' Vent (OT)

[Pam_and_Abigail]

Ok. I am going crazy. Seriously.
I don't want to tell my Doc, but I think I amsuffering PPD. He was convinced I was going to, and I don't want to admit he was right. And I don't want to go on Prozac, the only "safe" drug.


Abby has been fussier lately. She's 4 1/2 months, and I think it's bc she wants to do more than she can, i.e. pick up blocks without dropping them. All her toys frustrtae her this week. Plus, she's sick again, and they're calling it "reactive airway disease". We've got an inhaler, antibiotics, and she just finished her prednisone. Plus, I'm pretty sure there's a tooth about to come out. Plus, she's sick of breastfeeding. She cries and fusses almost every feeding, and the last few days, has been eating less. She'd rather eat what mommy and daddy eat. She's particularly drawn to jello. When she sees us eat, she opens and closes her mouth, sticks her tongue out, licks her lips, does all kinds of cute things. Or she cries. We had decided to wait till 6 months for solids, but that may not happen.
Okay, so she's got a good list of reasons for being fussy. Also, before she got sick, the doc suggested she might have reflux.

I just have a hard time handling it when she cries. AP is driving me over the edge. DH wants to let her CIO, but I can't quite bring myslef to. I've been reading the Baby Book this week, but it's just pointing out all the places I feel I am failing. I've almost completely given up on EC. She cries when I try to potty her, and I have never witnessed a cue. I WANT to do it though. And when I put her to sleep in the crib next to our bed, I feel bad bc she's not sleeping with us. It just doesn't work. I suppose I'm a prefectionist, and that it extends to mothering, but I am going to snap.
As far as babywearing, my "sling-from-a-bedsheet" is just not comfy. I can't afford to buy a maya wrap, and I can't find rings to make one. Even if I had one, there's nothing I can do when she's in the sling, so we might as well sit on the floor. She naps alone during the day, but I have to creep around doing housework so I don't wake her.
When she is awake, we sit on the floor and play, but she usually gets frustrated with everything. And nursing her doesn't comfort her everytime like it used to. She took a few steps the other night, with daddy's help, and she can pretty much sit on her own, though I can't leave her, bc she does fall sometimes.
I feel hurt that she doesn't seem to want to nurse. We started giving her water in a sippy cup, which she loves, and yesterday, we played "mealtime" I got out a small bowl and a baby spoon, ad spoonfed her water. She wore a lot of it, but it was fun for her. We did the same with breastmilk, which she liked. I've tried to find different positions to feed her in, but nothing seems to work. Bc I have so many food allergies, I wanted to wait, but we might not be able to. She's sending lots of signals that she's ready. I just hope she doesn't give up bf'ing completely. Could this be a temporary strike?
I want to continue AP, and maybe not give up on EC. I want to continue bf'ing. How can I deal with her when she cries and fusses without going bonkers?

Ok, I know this was completely organized, but if you got this far, thanks for listening. To make it not so off topic, she's on the verge of putgrowing almost all her diapers, including her Sandy's :-(, and I don't know if I'll be able to buy anymore Sandy's :-(.

[BowNessMonster]

(((((((PAM)))))))

I was in denial for the longest time about ppd, until i finally snapped at about 6.5 months. Just keep talking to other mamas, even if it's only online! We've all btdt, mayeb not ppd but at least these stages of baby's development.

What really helped me was getting out, even once a week, to a baby and mama group. All of us tired new mamas commiserating really helped me.

[Aurora]

:hug Pam :hug

I suffered from PPD after the birth of my dd. I too was in denial. Kendall gave you terrific advice. What saved me was getting dressed and out of the house.Just go outside, take a little walk, wander around a store. I am sending lots of love and prayers your way.

[Oceanone]

So sorry Pam, for all you are going through. When ds was born I had lots of ideas about how we would do things. Like, I wanted to carry him around all the time but he didn't want to be held, except to nurse, then he only wanted to be nursed at night, he only wanted to be in his infernal bouncy chair etc. We had trouble nursing, trouble sleeping. I felt like he didn't want me around. I just decided to forget the books and do what is working for us. I think AP'ing is largely responding to the baby's needs and if that means things are not done "by the book" then so be it. So, if yours is happy in the crib by you, fine. You are there if that changes.

Later on, for the record, my ds could not get enough of being held, he wanted to be carried everywhere and he still loves it today. I guess I am saying don't be too hard on yourself and take it bit by bit. It sounds like you are doing a great job with a sick baby and that you are there for her.

If you are feeling really bad, can I encourage you to indeed try to talk to your doc or a friend/ family member.

Back on topic, if money is tight, you can always sell those too small Sandy's and get a pile of prefolds and still keep cloth diapering her. Or if you feel you need the break switch to disposables until you and the babe feel up to it again. Same with the EC'ing. From her point of view & yours, everything seems harder when you are sick:(

[Kermit]

Being a fellow perfectionist, I know how hard it can be to not try to do everything by the book. But there is a book out there for every parenting style and a not everything in one book or one philosophy is going to fit your needs and your baby's needs perfectly. You need to figure out what is best for your baby and works for you. Trying to follow what was best for someone else's babies and worked for them is going to put an unecessary burden on you and create more stress and only hurt both of you. Do what is logical and safe first, and what seems only natural. If she loves the bouncy seat, go with it. And don't feel guilty. Maybe she has a need for the sensory input she receives from that activity! It's not like you are sitting her in front of a TV all day. KWIM? Not all babies want or need to be worn all day. I happen to have the perfect baby for APing right now. But DD did not want to cosleep or be held all the time. She did better sleeping in her bassinett and being put on the floor in in her bouncy seat. I say, raise your child according to their needs. :){{{{Pam}}}}}

[Cynthia Mosher]

I'm gonna move this over to the PPD board so that it gets the attention it deserves. Diapering mama's please do continue to post to it and offer your support and a\dvice, especially those of you who have suffered from PPD.

Love,
~Cynthia

[thepeanutone]

:hug
Pam, I'm so sorry you feel this way! Don't you just hate it when doctors diagnose you before you've shown ONE SYMPTOM???

I went through a "down" spell right after ds started sleeping through the night - I swear, I started coming out of my sleep-deprived coma and started to realize that I needed some kind of a life again. Here's my advice:

1. Don't sweat it about the AP stuff - the only person who is going to shake a finger at you is Dr. Sears. The rest of us know you aren't doing anything to make your baby unhappy, and that's what counts! Put The Baby Book down for a while - why read something that makes you feel bad? Take a cue from Dr. Spock, who said something like "Trust your own parenting skills. You know more than you think you do."
2. Take good care of yourself. I got more stupid things wrong with me around 3 and 4 mos postpartum because I wasn't paying attention to myself. Take a bath. Cut your nails (especially your toenails!). Take your vitamins. GET ENOUGH SLEEP!!! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE HOUSEWORK!!! NAP WHEN BABY NAPS!!! A clean house is nice, but a sane mommy is better.
3. If she's working on a tooth, that might make breastfeeding uncomfortable. Do what you can to get through this, but know that her mouth might just hurt.

And get more help if you need it, including prozac or whatever.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[Electra375]

I am so sorry you are suffering. That being said, I second what thepeanutone wrote, especially taking care of yourself. With my first child, I suffered PPD big time and with the second I did not. There were quite a few differences, but a very big one was taking care of my needs first. If I need a shower, I took one (after I knew he was fed). If I needed to eat, I ate, etc. Baby #2 was a very fussy baby, colic, allergic to the dairy in my diet (no dairy there now), etc. I had to take time for my needs or I would have gone crazy. I would hear him fussing when he was sleeping, he fussed so much that if I didn't hear him, my brain still hear it.

My #2 is a sling baby, have you looked at consignment shops for a sling? E-bay isn't worth your time, they still go for almost list price. A larger receiving blanket, might work better than a sheet for a hip sling.

I am surprised that your little one is so interested in food at such a young age, but you know best. Trust you instincts, choose the least allergic foods first. My#1 ate solids early, he was ready in my opinion.

Have you gotten out with other mommy baby couples? I have found great support from other mothers with La Leche League groups http://www.lalecheleague.org their website will direct you to local groups with phone numbers. I was actually driving 35 miles to a LLL meeting until a group started in the town I live in. Our hospital has a BF support group and discussions can range from BF, feeding solids, to mother care, your hospital might have a group. And local churches and towns themselves sometimes have playgroups, you'll just have to ask around on this one. Sometimes one of the OB/GYN offices might have a mommy baby group.

I hope you get the support you need. PPD can be made worst by seasonal depression (SADD), I think that is one factor with what happen with my first, he was a fall baby. Try and get out in the day light, in the morning is best for a little while, bundle up baby and go for a walk.

If you live in a larger metropolis, you might even find a PPD support group.

[QueeTheBean]

I've been there, too!

The Baby Book had the same effect on me with DS#1--I felt bad if I wasn't carrying him around all the time, etc--lots of the same things you said. I love Dr. Sears, but I learned that I couldn't do all the things he suggests every day--sometimes, it was all I could do to nurse him and hold him, everything else got put by the wayside. It sounds trite, but it is true: do the best you can. By my #2 DS, I just try to do what I think he needs, and I think that’s all DR. Sears is trying to say, anyway.

Sleep is key, still, for me. If I have slept, I can handle anything! Getting out was also important. I joined a MOMS Club (see www.momsclub.org to see if there is one near you). There was something to do on their calendar every day. Sometimes, I'd be the only one at the park or the mall, or whatever, but at least I was going somewhere and didn't have to think about it! I met some nice moms there, too.

Indulge yourself with a cup of tea, a hot shower or bath, or 20 minutes reading a trashy novel from the library--nothing that costs any money and it will do you a world of good. Ask DH to take her for 1/2 hour and lose yourself. He may want to let her cio bc. he is concerned for you and thinks it will help you all? 4-1/2 months is a bit young for that, anyway--I think even Dr. Ferber says that!!

Also--IT DOES get easier--after the 6 month mark, things turn a corner & I think it all starts to get better.

IMHO, I would concentrate on priorities--breastfeeding probably #1--if other things have to slide, that's ok, they can be restarted when you get bfeeding back on track. She may just be going thru a jag & will start up again shortly.

Crib next to your bed is ok--don't feel bad. My #1 DS like to be in bed with us, but #2 DS slept better that way---I couldn't believe it. At least you are near her and she senses that!

All that said, if you don't start feeling better soon, why not go talk to someone? Even the thought of arranging an appt. is probably pretty overwhelming, but if nothing else is working, maybe it's just what you need??

My 2 cents, anyway.

Good luck and you are not alone

[Tracy]

You know I posted a little something about ppd in a thread on tribes...

Here is the deal, my friend whom I love and cherish and is just a beautiful and smart and holistic genius with her husband who is a talented smart chiro to start, nutritionist, much more has just written a book all about this subject. the subject being post partnum and recovery and nutrition etc....

And just before I had my ds she told me you really should take our vitamins after you have the baby. I agreed and man, she wasn't kidding. The way I realized that they were doing something was when I didn't take the vitamins...and you know how those first weeks are, you can barely shower with a new baby let alone remember to take your vitamins...anyway, when I skipped a few days I saw a pattern...my post partnum blues were stronger. the vitamins really evened out those roller coaster hormones! and by the way, I t hink those hormones are worse for us over 40..whoops, you might not have known that about me... oh, welll it is just my opinion....

Evidently, and I think some of you know about this already, but ppd has something to do with an important oil. this is the oil that while we are pregnant the baby just about rips from every pore of our body and it is connected to the depression. The vitamnis and oils have that oil...

anyway, you might want to go to the website and check it out
I'm still taking it as I'm still nursing...

If you want the name of the website pm me and I'll give it to you.

PS I have told my friend she absolutely needs to start advertising on mothering dot com because I believe moms here would totally understand and appreciate their product... and lo and behold she emailed me on friday that they are finally getting it togehter and will be advertising here soon. His book is coming out now.

[Foobar]

:hug

I agree with everyone on the
a)take care of yourself
b)do what things you can. Don't worry if you can't EC. Do what you can!

Your dd sounds like she is very ahead of the curve on physical skills. She may not be too happy with other things. My dd wanted food at 4 months. We started 2 weeks later with cereal and she gobbled it down. She knew just what to do!

If you can't co-sleep/ EC, or other AP things, IT'S OK!!! Try to let it go. The key to being a good mom isn't matching what a book says. Trust me, when I gave up bf, I cried and cried overing having to, but it doesn't make me less of a mom to have done it.

Please don't let stubborness prevent you from getting help. If you really start feeling like this is PPD, consider seeing a different doctor. Don't let it just hide on you..ok?

Please keep posting!!!!

[Kam]

Hi there, Pam.

First of all, here's a cyberhug for you. :hug I'm really sorry you are feeling so frustrated and down. Mothering is really hard work, isn't it? So many of us have been there, as you can see, and understand what you're feeling.

It sounds as though you are doing a great job, though. I know how much pressure Dr. S can seem to be delivering sometimes, but I really think he just wants us to think outside the box a little. It doesn't mean you have to follow his guidelines to the letter at all. Your baby's the expert, and it sounds as though you are listening carefully already. :wink Don't feel bad about letting the EC and the close co-sleeping go for a bit, or forever. Those aren't necessary ingredients to a happy baby, and Abby may just prefer other methods right now.

We had a really hard time with breastfeeding when Meg was Abby's age (she's nine months now). She would scream when I tried to feed her in a chair, and pull away from the breast, push me away, and so forth. I was so frustrated and worried at the same time. Turns out, she wanted to be fed lying down in a quiet, dark, warm room so as to get all my attention and not be distracted herself. :rolleyes I also realize, with hindsight, that she was teething. Have you tried feeding in lots of different situations to see if there's a position or place she'd prefer? That might help.

From all that I've read and seen with other moms, I would be really surprised if Abby was truly sick of breastfeeding. Teething and being distracted make it hard for them at this age, but I would bet it's the last thing she'd want to give up. Hang with it and keep posting here and the ppd and breastfeeding boards. I agree wholeheartedly with djschrader--it does get better around six months for some reason. Have you tried any food to see if that's what she wants, or if she just wants to copy you and play with your 'toys'? I always give Meg lots of bowls and cups when I eat. Your play feeding idea is a good one--just try not to give her too much water. It will interfere with her appetite if her tummy's full of water.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping to hear from you whenever you can post. Don't be afraid to ask for help from a doc or psychologist or even a good friend (sometimes they are the best counselors!)--we all need help and support from time to time!

warmly,
Kam, mama to Meg who still prefers to eat lying down
:o

[TigerTail]

actually, peanut, i just reread the ap book by the sears' & i was glad i did- sometimes i forget just where it all began (for me; i was reading his books when my 16 yr old dd was a 'fussy baby'). i was reminded that he really wouldn't be shaking his finger (altho' i really think they must have backs of iron to sling as much as he says; after an hour of slinging, criminy! mine hurts. but the baby is happy then!); he is all for 'whatever works for your family' (i was feeling guilty about the family bed thing not working so great.)
my max was born in august too, pam, and sometimes (ok, too often) i've felt what you are feeling. it's not so easy, esp when they're sick (max has had paraflu that brought us to the er at vandy- we thought he was going to die! wouldn't nurse for days, labored breathing- he's better some now). i feel like i haven't slept in days. sometimes i think about getting treated for depression (tho' what the other mamas have said about sleep and vitamins seems to be true for me- if i have both, i'm not nearly so wrteched.)

i hope things smooth out for you- it will get easier.

suse

[mama2girls]

Everyone has such wonderful advice for you! Just remember most of all, the experts do not live in your house! Only you can decide what's best for your family.

Lots of :love~

[Pam_and_Abigail]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I did start going to LLL last month, but they only have one meeting a month. I also go to a drop-in family clinic almost every week. And yesterday, I actually went away and left dd with dh. I went to visit my Grammie in the hospital (Leukemia). Apparently, she cried for 2 hours straight, no matter what he did. He eventually rocked her to sleep.
I have been taking my vitamins every day. Showering takes longer. I have to struggle to get one, and when I do, dd is usually crying when I get out.

As far as a sling, it seems like if I was carrying dd, there's nothing I can really do with her there, unless I'm going for a walk, or shopping. There is no chore or household task I can seem to do.

I think we'll start solids before 6 months. And I am going to talk to the nurse at the clinic about ppd.

Thank you everyone.

[Pam_and_Abigail]

Ok, today was a bad day. The nurse is going to get me info on a PPD support group in town, but till then I think I'm gonna scream. All I wanted to do was go to the library and look for "The Mother of all Baby Books" by Ann Douglas. Up until a few eeks ago, Abby was an angel. She hardly ever cried. I guess teething and being sick and getting older has changed all that. She wouldn't stay in her stroller, and I was trying to keep her from crying in the qiuet library, and I couldn't get my card out. I ended up leaving in tears, frustrated and mad. I have had enough. I have decided the perfect number of kids to have is one less than we have now. DD is an only child. I really thought I wanted motherhood so babdly, and now it's too late to change my mind. I felt like leaving her in the bathroom. Now I just feel guilty for feeling this way.

Sorry, I just had to let it out.

[mama2girls]

Oh, Pam, I know how you feel. It's so hard when they are little and you are not used to it and everything seems to collapse all at once.

Are you going to see a dr. or therapist? Prozac is NOT the only safe med, if you end up needing to go that route. Perhaps a dr. can hook you up with another mom with ppd in your area to talk to.

Please try to remember all the important things you are doing each day, like feeding and caring for your dd, even if you feel like you can't get anything else done. I remember those feelings well. You don't have to do it all, all of the time! And you don't have to even put up a good front if you don't want to.