How do you tell 6Yr old daddy has cancer?

[mumof4]

I really hope i am posting in right spot! My x husband and i have a 6 year old daughter together. I am not in a different relationship with 2 more children. Just tonight my x husband phoned to inform me that he would not be able to see dd (Emily) for a while as he has been diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma. He has left it up to me to tell her and told me to do so gently. I asked him to tell her with me. My opinion of this all is that we be upfront and straightforward with all of this. I do not know alot about his form of cancer, the outlook or lifespan, what stage he is in ect. I am very concerned about just what to tell her or how much is necessary to tellher about what is wrong with her dad and why she isnt going to be going there for a while(about 6 mos) He simply doesnt want her there as she may contaminate hime and his immune system is so weak, I understand where he is coming from but I am so hurt for dd in all this. Any one have any suggestions or can anyone relate to this?

[mthomas]

oh geez mama. I am so sorry. For x, for you and very much for DD. I've never had any experiance w/something like this so take what you want and discard the rest. She's old enough to understand being sick, so maybe you could let her know he's sick...but not cold sick. On one level you want her to be somewhat prepared if things get bad, but on the other hand you don't wnat her to worry incessantly abt her daddy, kwim? That's a big burden for a little back to carry. Abt her not being able to see him you can tell her that the kind of sick he has makes him very vulnreble to germs and he needs his time away from others to get all better. Maybe you can just really really stress that she can still talk to daddy on the phone and draw him pictures and mail them (that could be a fun little ritual actually) and find new fun ways to be in contact with him.
I agree that he should be there when you tell her. I'm sure it's really scary and he's going thru a WHOLE lot right now, but he's still her daddy and he might be able to make it a little less scary for her if he can reassure her of all the things you'll be telling her. give him a bit of time, he may decide that he wants to be there too.

I found this website it may be helpful - I didnt dig too much b/c apparently non hodgkins is kind of an umbrella term for abt 30 diff kinds of lymphatic cancers.
http://www.patientcenters.com/lymphoma/

hth

[zoe398]

I've been in a very similiar situation. My DH is my 8 y/o's step-father. When she was nearly 6, he was diagnosed with cancer. I try not to remember much of that time and celebrate the life we've been given now, but from what I do remember- we just let her know that he would be very sick for awhile and that she would need to keep her hands washed if she wanted to come near him. His outlook was good and we let her know that. She's a VERY laidback girl, so she never asked alot of questions. I guess we got kinda lucky in that respect. I'm sure there is literature of some sort to help your family with this. Blessings and healing energy to you and your family in this tough time.

[MamaBug]

:hug No words of wisdom to offer but offering support.

You may just tell her he is very sick and that to get better he needs alot of rest. I would be as honest as you can with her. I would also post this in the Parenting forums as some ppl may know of good books to open discussions with her

[MsChatsAlot]

Find out as much info as you can so you can simplify the information and will be prepared for her questions. She may hear what you say and then process it and ask more questions over time.

I tend to handle issues like these in a simplified honest way.

I'd also talk to her dad and say that she will likely want to call him after and he should be prepared to talk to her about it. If he insists that you tell her, fine, but he will have to discuss it with her afterward too. She will likely need to talk to him just to know for herself that he is still alive and okay.

Hugs for all of you.

[maya44]

Call a cancer center and see if they have any advice/info about tellling children...many do.

I also think that it is your job (and it is a hard one in your circumstances) to make sure she still feels connected to her dad through cards/small gifts etc.. This would be a good time to talk to her as positively about him as you can reminding her how much he loves her and is sad that he can't be with her more and would if he could etc....

[homeschoolmommyof1]

:Hug Sorry to hear that.

Well, I was diagnosed one day before my son turned 7 with cancer...it was my second time around but this time a different one.
We just told him that mommy is sick and going to sleep a lot and will be somewhat week. We explained what a "port" is and that momma will have one so it will be easier for the doc to give me my medicine.
We did not go into all the details with him- we kept it simple but we always kept the conversation open, he could always come and ask questions.

Good luck

[OakBerry]

Hi,
I have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I have a low grade type and have not needed any chemo yet, but am in a clinical trial involving immunotherapy.
There are about 30 different subtypes of Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma so you really need to find out what your ex's diagnosis is. Some types of this cancer are agressive and fast growing, some not, some highly curable, while others are not curable, but you may still be able to survive a long period of time with chemo and other types of treatments. The treatments and prognosis vary from type to type.

I would do this before addressing this issue with your dd, so you can give her the most accurate answer to her most likely question "Is Daddy going to die". Also, from what you describe, his immune system being weak, it sounds like he is going through some chemotherapy or possibly a bone marrow transplant right now?

I will go and get some of my favorite links for you. I'm sorry you have to break this news to dd. I have a 3.5 year old son and have not really told him what is going on yet. He knows mama goes to the doctor and the hospital alot, but I look and feel pretty healthy, so he does not think I'm "sick". As he gets older, I will give him more info.

[OakBerry]

I have not read this book but it has been recommended to me:

When a Parent has Cancer by Wendy Harpham
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060187093/102-0811092-6988158?v=glance&n=283155

Some general links about Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NHL) :

Link to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's site: http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/all_mat_detail.adp?item_id=381980&sort_order=5&cat_id=

Link to the American Cancer Society's site: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/lrn/lrn_0.asp

[Susannah M]

I think that in a situation like this, it is good to give someone information, knowing that each one of us is ready for different levels of information at different times. Pay attention to your DD, she will likely let you know by the questions she asks what exactly she is ready to know. Good luck to you.
-Susannah

[mumof4]

Thankyou for all the resources and your imput. I have withheld from telling dd right now till i get more info on his condition. He has started his first of 23 cycles of chemo and is getting blood transfusions which is why his immune system is soo low. I donnot think his prognosis is good considering the way he was talking however i didnt come out and ask nor did he offer any answers that way. I think i will talk to him later on in the week see how his first round of chemo went and get some more info.

Thanks millions

Jodie

[Susannah M]

Good luck, Jodie. My thoughts are with you and yours.
-Susannah