Advice needed re: doula problems

[Marylizah]

Hello mamas,

I'm looking for people help me figure out what choice to make wrt having a doula present for the birth...

To give y'all some context, doulas are very, very new in France, they've really only been present for about three years here. DH and I have met with two women who both seem to be lovely and caring people. There is one who was trained in the US with whom I think I would be more comfortable, but they are both great.

However, my birth clinic (which I chose for it's very woman-positive attitude towards birthing and it's atmosphere of support) is apparently very anti-doula. I met for the first time with a midwife at the clinic yesterday for my 6 month check-up. I mentioned that I was considering hiring a doula, and the midwife was very taken aback. She explained to me that in this clinic there had been negative experiences with doulas, and that the midwives felt that doulas took away from their role, especially the emotional support part, which is why these midwives love working at this particular clinic. She told me that she didn't want to influence my decision, but that having a doula may cause some tension in the delivery room.

Well, then last evening we met with one of the doulas who explained that the National Order of Midwives in France had sent out a directive to all midwives working in maternity wards and birth clinics and told them to refuse to allow doulas in the delivery rooms, etc.

So now I'm feeling like instead of making things easier for me, having a doula might end up being a source of stress and conflict-- while all I want is a supportive, loving atmosphere in which to give birth.

I guess I'm trying to figure out whether to have a doula, midwives be damned, and risk being treated poorly because of that choice, or not having a doula and really working hard with DH to prepare because while I'm sure I'll have a lovely midwife (or two, depending on shift changes), she won't be able to be with me the whole time.

Can anyone help me get some perspective on this issue?? Thanks in advance... :( :(

[Unreal]

well...

what if it wasn't a doula, but your best-friend you wanted there. Would the midwife still have a problem with her being there?
What if your friend was very knowledgeable about birth--maybe even to the point of considering entering midwifery school?
Would your midwife be concerned about your friend 'over-stepping' her boundaries?

I would hope the answers to all of those would be no, since you should have who you want at your birth. You should have the people you find supportive, be it your dh, your best friend, or a doula with whom you've formed a relationship.

We had a doula at ds2's birth. Her job wasn't to interfere with the midwives, but to take pressure off of dh. I wanted to have a support team in place, but didn't want to put that kind of pressure on dh. It was his first birth, and I didn't want him to have to stand there and be stoic while I was in more pain than he'd ever seen me in.
Our doula was also a calm voice for us in the chaos.
She was the one who reminded the midwives that we needed to get the tub filled for me--and she started the water while the midwife focused on me (there were two midwives present)
She was priceless at the birth.

Having said all that, we are not going to have a doula this time.
We are having a homebirth in a home with limited space :lol
and feel much closer to our midwife :love
I'm in a place with this babe where I'm not so stressed about labor
Dh knows better what to expect (although we still have to have some sit-down time to work out details of HOW I'll need him to help me keep relaxed)

If you have a good relationship with your doula--and she is someone who you think will be there for you like a good friend would be--then I would suggest presenting the issue to the midwife that way.
That she is there for you so that your dh can feel free to react however he reacts..if that makes sense?

:Hug

[Ksenia]

Sounds like a turf war. You might want to clarify exactly what duties you want from your doula - being really specific (get food for dh, rub your back, etc.) - and go through point by point with your MWs to see if they are prepared to perform those services. If they are not willing to perform those duties then it seems that a doula would be justified. If not, then your MWs are probably used to playing more of a support role than some MWs are used to.

Personally, with my dh and two MWs at my last homebirth, I definitely did not want to involve a doula - too many bodies. As it turned out even that many people was too many for me, though perhaps dh could have used a bit more support as he was really being there for me. But I know that doulas can play a really important role when medical staff are really busy and looking after multiple patients.

Good luck!

[*GreenMama*]

Here's another couple of questions: Does your midwife mind if you call her up at 11pm crying because you feel insecure about being a good mom? Will she listen to your questions on which type of detergent to use on baby's first outfit? Will she proofread your list of what you want to bring in your hospital bag when you just know you've forgotten something vital?

If you're really wanting someone who'll be there for you emotionally before, during, and after the birth you might consider the doula anyhow, unless your midwives really do provide that kind of emotional support. I don't know any midwife around here who actually wants to hear from you if its not a medical issue.

And you don't necessarily have to call her a doula to the midwife. Say she's a friend as long as the doula knows in advance! Whatever you choose, good luck!

:)

[Marylizah]

Thanks for the replies! I've been thinking this over all weekend. Here are some answers to questions you all asked.

The midwife was clear that if I had told her I wanted my mother, sister or a friend it would not be a problem, so it really is a turf-war issue. I can't pretend that the doula would be a friend since there are only about 50 doulas in all of France, and the two I met with have both worked in this clinic. They would be recognized for who they are. (This leads me to wonder if the "negative" experiences were with one or both of these women, but the midwife refused to give me any names...)

I do think that the atmosphere of this clinic is much, much more supportive than almost any other in France. I do NOT think that the midwifes would appreciate me calling at 11pm, needing reassurance about being a good mom :), or asking many non-medical questions. That said, I hope to have other resources to draw from, including la leche league for all breast-feeding issues and my mom for lots of other things.

I'm annoyed that I have to make this choice, but in the interest of preventing potential conflict (I cannot give birth and break up catfights in the delivery room, lol,) I'm thinking I'm going to skip the doula.

Plus that's a pretty sizeable chunk of money that we could put towards something else, like the combined washer / dryer that would make cloth-diapering sooooo much easier.... :)

[L'lee]

It sounds like you're making a very good decision based on your situation, and who needs the stress of worrying over whether the doula and midwife will get along?? Good luck!