What do you do when another child pesters continually???

[rebeccalizzie]

Okay, I am at my wit's end here. My DD's best friend does *not* take no for an answer. Today's example is a perfect one--it's DD's birthday. She is having two friends spend the night. When she originally invited them, I said 7 PM. A (the best friend) asked if she could come over earlier. i said no, we eat dinner late and I didn't want to mess with extra kids for dinner. Today, she called and asked if she could come over early. I said no. Two hours later, she called and asked if DD needed help "setting up". I said no, we were fine. 5 minutes ago (it's 6:30 here) she called *AGAIN* and asked if she could come now.

I gave up and said fine, which I now regret just because I reinforced her notion that if she pesters long enough she'll get her way. If I had said no one more time she would have probably come at least close to on time, but at least she'll only be about 20 minutes early now.

WWYD? I don't know her parents that well--I like them, they are nice people, but they have three other kids, one of whom has serious medical needs. I don't think they know every single time their 10 year old is on the phone, and I don't honestly think they should need to monitor her every time she picks up the phone. They have better things to do. To be honest, I think I should say something directly to the child, but I just don't know how. This is just the latest example--she tends to be very rude in an unthinking kind of way--I think she is a great kid, and I really like her, but she does stuff like this a lot.

[~member~]

Are giving her a reason for you saying , No?
It sounds like this is an on-going issue with the two of you, so maybe it is a miscommunication type thing. I guess I would ask afterwards if she understood what you were saying, kwim? Or if she needs further explanation.

[srain]

What if you'd shown your firmness the second time she'd called? Perhaps said, "Like I said yesterday, the party starts at 7 and we do not want any guests to arrive before then. If I had changed my mind, I would have had my daughter let you know." Have you tried to be that clear (or even more so) when she's tried to pull this before?

If that didn't work, I would say right to her that you don't appreciate her nagging, and that it makes you/ your family want to spend LESS time with her when she does that.

And never give in!

(Take it as a compliment, at least- sounds like she really wants to be around you guys, perhaps because of the reduced one-on-one attentino at home-)

[LovemyBoo]

I agree you need to be a little more direct with her and explain why. Maybe she just wanted to get out of her house.

I, personally, would've told her everything she needed to know the second time, then let her talk to the answering machine. Thank you, caller ID.

[rebeccalizzie]

I think it will be best to address this kind of thing the next time it happens, so I appreciate the ideas on how to say it! All three times when she called, she talked to my DD, not me. The last time, DD actually said "my mom already said no, she's going to get mad if I keep bugging her" and apparently A begged her and said she wanted to see her. Next time instead of letting DD relay the message, I think I'll take the phone myself and explain that we really want to see her, but we already agreed on a time that was best for us. She and DD really love spending time together, so I know that's the main reason she was pestering--her house is a tad crazy but her family is very close knit. I do think she gets plenty of attention at home.

This child just frustrates me sometimes, and I really like her so I don't want to create a relationship where I resent her. She's only 10, and she's a nice kid!

[E.V. Lowi]

There is a book that may be of interest to you called "Odd Girl Out" I loaned my only copy a few years ago and never got it back. I can't remember the name of the author, but it is a very informative book about the many different forms of covert bullying that take place with girls. The behavior of the child that you are describing sounds just like a particular type of bully that was profiled in depth. You are not the only one that is having trouble standing up to this aggressive behavior; think of the trouble that your dd is having with her, especially when they are out of earshot!

These types of bullies seem so "nice" but are relentless in their demands, and can be very manipulative. Please consider this carefully and take extra care to be sensitive to, and help your dd articulate her own feelings about this person. It may surprise you that your dd could be feeling bullied - uncomfortable with the pressure from this child and can't speak out about it. Your awareness and understanding of this possibility could provide a huge relief for your child. Please consider it.

[moonrosebud]

<<There is a book that may be of interest to you called "Odd Girl Out" >>

The author is Rachel Simmons...available on Amazon and has some detailed positive reviews.

It is worth noting, as E.V.Lowi has mentioned, that if you are having issues dealing with this child, your daughter probably is too.

Also, it may be that because one of her siblings has "serious medical needs", she has developed this behavior in order to cope for herself and to get what she wants. All the more reason to arm yourself with as much understanding as you can!

[rebeccalizzie]

Wow, thanks both of you. I didn't even think of that--DD loves this girl so it didn't occur to me that maybe she feels manipulated sometimes, but it's certainly possible. DD has always been too "nice" (as in, lets people walk all over her), it's something we've worked on for years but it's just part of her personality.

I'll definitely try to get the book, and I should probably also feel out DD and see how she feels. I agree that she has probably become a bit manipulative to try to fulfill her own needs, I know her family is very loving but of course I don't know the exact dynamics.

[EnviroBecca]

I agree that you need to be firm about what you've decided and to explain that you don't like the nagging...but have you tried acknowledging her feelings? "Hey, I can tell you're very excited about coming over. Sounds like you can hardly wait! Yeah! We're really not going to be ready until 7:00 though. We're looking forward to seeing you. Only half an hour to go!" Then, although she hasn't gotten her way, she feels you've heard and understood her. I've had some success with this tactic on a very enthusiastic girl in my Brownie troop. I save the "I don't like it when you nag" discussions for times when she's not in the middle of it--she is more able to think about her behavior and how she might change it when she's not so excited.

[srain]

All three times when she called, she talked to my DD, not me.
Sounds like it's your daughter's problem to deal with, then. If she doesn't mind saying the same thing over and over again, there's not a problem. If she does, you can help her come up with possible solutions.

[moonrosebud]

<<Sounds like it's your daughter's problem to deal with, then. If she doesn't mind saying the same thing over and over again, there's not a problem. If she does, you can help her come up with possible solutions.>>

She's 10 years old, right?
Sounds like Mamma should help.
What's a ten-year-old to do?


<<DD has always been too "nice" (as in, lets people walk all over her), it's something we've worked on for years but it's just part of her personality.>>

Maybe part of your personality too? It's mine! Our kids are part of us and they also learn by example...

[Itlbokay]

Does your Dd enjoy this girl's company when they are together?

We know a boy with similar telephone behavior as you described. My boys have tried playing with him, it just doesn't work. He would come over with gameboy in hand and a backpack full of other electronic games, and whatever new fad, card game. Then he wants to control what they do, what they play and my boys do not enjoy it. They really gave it a go though, they tried to be polite hosts, but they finally stopped trying. Even though it is less often, he still calls, and while he is a child and I feel bad, I don't encourage my boys to feel obligated to play with him. I wouldn't want a peer pushed on me that I didn't particularly feel fond of either.

So, I guess if she doesn't know how to back down on the phone, but is polite and easygoing with your Dd...maybe like others said...being very direct on the phone with her is best.

And then don't answer it when you've already told her no and she keeps calling back anyway.

[rebeccalizzie]

moonrosebud, yup that's my personality too. I've really worked on being more assertive, and I'm trying to help DD learn a bit earlier than I did! I talked to her about whether A often talks her into things she doesn't want to do, and she said yeah, all the time. So last night we did some role playing to try to give DD the confidence to say no, and the knowledge of what to say. We're going to keep practicing a bit...I explained that when you never learn to say no to your friends, it makes it really hard to say no to anything you aren't comfortable with later, like drugs and alcohol. She agreed with me there, and she does want to work on it...so hopefully this will help.

She absolutely loves playing with this girl, so it isn't really an option to cut off the friendship. So we'll use this as a learning experience, hopefully!

[Itlbokay]

She absolutely loves playing with this girl, so it isn't really an option to cut off the friendship. So we'll use this as a learning experience, hopefully!

And a worthwhile one at that, especially if they have a really strong friendship :)

Good luck!