*SIGH* My mom.....

[goosysmom]

Ok, I want to start off by saying that I love my mother.....she is a wonderful selfless person in most things so does, esp with her work...She works with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and just today helped put a child molester/pedophile behind bars for 55 years.....With that said....

I was at her house yesterday visiting with DD while DH had some buddies over doing their gaming thing (do they ever outgrow this??)..We had a nice visit, went to a Once Upon a Child bc I wanted to get some crib sheets bc I put up dd's crib (she's 21 months) and set it up as the toddler bed it turns into so she can use it to sit and play on with her babies and toys....gets her up off the floor and she loves it....Mom spoiled her with some toys there and that's fine, that's what grandparents do....

However, I was coming into the family room and I heard her saying NO really lound and then a smack and rationalized that no, I didn't hear that and ran to get the phone....I come back out to the room and DD is on my mom's lap and my mom said NO NO NO and smacked her hand IN FRONT OF ME...and dd saw me and got up and ran to me crying (she wasn't crying before she saw me though...thought it was a game I spose) bc the look on my face must've been something else....I had a huge flashback to my mom doing the same to my sister and I when we were little, along with visions of the wooden spoon with the hole in it that never got used, just pointed at....and my heart broke....for me and my dd..

It just took about a week and a half to convince DH that it wasn't right to do that (need to update that post...) and listen to what I had to say about it and the whys and hows of how I want things like that handled....

I sat down with dd on my lap and asked my mother what she had done and she told her that she was hitting her (i had heard much laughter from dd earlier and when she gets over excited she does wave her hands around and hits and we are trying to get her to do it less but she's 21 months old...) and my dd doesn't hit hit....she pats and if you laugh at it she continues to do it bc she thinks you think it's funny and then it becomes a game......and my mother said, NO, she was hitting and I replied that then it was the first time she's ever done it and it's pretty strange that out of laughter comes her hitting you out of nowhere.....She said I whatever and that I was being too sensitive.....and got up....

I took dd down to the basement with me so she could play with some of my old toys while I rooted around for old wool sweaters and then brought her back up..went to the bathroom and then I heard a smack again.....I called DH and he came to get us..I didn't tell him why, just that the visit was done (we have one car right now).....and told my mom to say bye and that I'd talk to her later....

She's called twice today and I just can't bring myself to talk to her right now I'm so mad and hurt and *sigh* I told her how I felt but she didn't listen....I don't want DD to grow up thinking that ever time she touches grandma in any way she's gonna get a big ol hand smack so her cute hands are red....it's not right....but I don't want to keep her from her bc she is grandma....

She's a smoker too and I have asked that she please smoke upstairs or in the garage when we are there so DD doesn't get lungs full of smoke and then come home smelling like it (I've never left her there without being there) and she did for a bit but now she thinks it's ok if she's not right next to her, like in the kitchen and dd is 10 feet away..I tell her it's all the same.....she just says whatever.....

I don't know what to do.....I love my mom but I can't have her smacking my dd's hands all the time and thinking it's ok to smoke a few feet away from her since she's not a baby anymore....

Thanks for listening.....and any advice...

Gianna

[alegna]

:hug to you and your dd. That said- anyone who hits my kids is not going to be around them for a LONG time- grandma or not. And then when they are allowed around again it will be under CONSTANT supervision. If you take your dd back over there- you are telling her that she deserves to be hit. Don't do that to her. Show her that she is worth more than that. No one deserves to be hit. Tell her that and tell your mom that.

-Angela

[laralou]

I would tell her no matter what your dd does to her, she cannot hit your child... ever. Period. Your dd is a baby. I don't care if your dd was in a full-on throw-down tantrum beating the stew out of your mother, she is an adult and can get up and leave the room. Be clear that you don't allow spanking and if she has a problem with it she can choose not to deal with your dd without supervision.

I wouldn't allow her to smoke at all in the house while your dd is present either. She can go outside. My mil sits on the porch every time she visits to smoke and doesn't smoke in her own home when we go there.

Be straight up and tell her what is allowed and not allowed around your dd. Don't get into the explaining and justifying game. YOu don't owe anyone an explanation for your parenting decisions. It is hard to stand up to our parents, but we owe it to our kids.

[mamagirl]

:Hug What a tough situation! Maybe you need to limit visits with Grandma to your house only for a time. It distresses me that she even smokes in the house at all when you and dd are visiting.

She sounds like a wonderful woman, but dd is yours and that means you make the rules that everyone else abides by when it comes to her. Have you ever explained your feelings about having your hands smacked when you were a child? Does she know how being threatened by the wodden spoon impacted you? If it wasn't harmless, you'd be the one to know since you were on the receiving end of it.

My SIL does this to her boys and it makes me sick to see the fear when she holds up the spoon. As far as I know she doesn't use it on them, but that just goes to show how powerful the threat of violence is upon little ones.

Your mom needs to know that you perceive her smacking your dd as an act of violence. I mean, that's what it is, right? I have been very clear about that when it comes to ds. Don't mince words. My parents never hit, but my grandma did. She says the classic "Well you turned out ok" to which I countered : "No, I didn't. I spent years afraid of you and scared you would hurt me and I never understood why. If you ever swat at my ds you will not be allowed to touch him until you can control yourself. If you need help with discipline call on me." or something like that!

Childrearing can be a point of contention between female family members, especially if one is doing things differently than her family has done them!

Sorry for ramblin', and HTH! I think you are doing a wonderful thing by not hitting your dd! :thumb

[cmb123]

Hitting and smoking are 2 of my non-negotiables. If she refuses to stop either, then for me, the visits would stop. Period.

[Attila the Honey]

To me this isn't an issue that needs a long heart to heart talk. The rule is NO HITTING. I don't care why someone feels hitting is necessary, I don't care if the hitter feels I am spoiling my dd, I don't care about any of it. I am the mom and that's the rule.

The way I would approach it is to just say that, that bluntly. If she protests with "But.." repeat, "No hitting. This is non negotiable."

I am all for exchanging ideas and seeing other points of view, but I can't stomach it when it comes to ppl rationalizing inflicting pain on babies and children.

When it comes to smoking, if she can't be bothered to leave the room I would bundle up dd (even if it's 20 below zero) and say, "Come on, gma is smoking so we are gonna play in the garage until she is done, call me when you are done Mom". as much as that would be a pain in the butt, hopefully she'd realize you are dead serious about no smoking around your dd, even if it means taking her out in the cold to get away from it, and she would be unselfish enough to offer to leave instead of you.

And, whatever you do, don't let gma babysit (at least not until she is able to take you seriously on these 2 issues). :(

[mamaduck]

No, I wouldn't do any explaining. There is no hitting babies and children, period. Non-negotiable. You don't have to explain why. Its your choice. You don't need a defense -- any attempt to argue your position will make it seem like she has a right to do if she can beat your arguments.

Also -- I would not take my child into a smoking household. Whether she takes it outside or not. Presumably she smokes indoors when she is alone and her furniture and rugs are saturated with it. I would not take my children to her house. Period. She would be welcome to visit at my house or meet me somewhere nuetral.

Neither of these positions need to be a judgement of her character. But they are choices she makes that puts a barrier between herself and her grandchildren. You needn't make a big fuss about it.... just set some limits and stick to them.

[Jish]

My step sister and I had our oldest children 5 days apart. My step sister is very mainstream and left her dd with my mom and her dh at a very young age. When we got together once they had my niece with them and I saw them spank her for something stupid that I can't even remember. I told my mother that I didn't want her to spank my child. Her reply was that when he was in her care, she could discipline him any way she wanted and she would spank him if necessary.

My simple response was that if that was her attitude she would never be left alone with my child. She laughed said that she was the grandma and if she were in charge, then she could spank. I told her that if she ever spanked or physically disciplined my child in anyway, it would be the last time she saw him.

She and her dh continue to spank my two nieces for what I consider to be minor things (i'm guessing that the parents do also,) but she has never once spanked or physically disciplined any of my kids. I think she understands that she chose to raise her children one way, but now it's my turn to decide how my children are raised and I won't allow them to spend time with people who can't respect that we don't spank.

It still drives me crazy when they try to discipline them when I'm right there. My stepdad (I was 25 before my mom and he got together so he isn't a father figure for me in any way) will get the kids wound up, and then when he is finished playing he expects the kids to just wind down in a second -- that doesn't happen. :irked: He will be what I consider to be verbally harsh at times -- he has a really loud voice anyway and he has unrealistic expectations. He wants them to be more like adults when he isn't in play mode. Sometimes I just have to let that slide off (though if it has bothered my kids I'll pull them aside and talk to them about it) but I can't accept anyone else feeling like they get to choose the discipline style just because they are the grandparent.

[mpeel]

My mother knows my feelings on hitting. She does not agree with them at all. She spanked Beth once. She did not see her unsupervised for a long time and knew exactly why. She threatened Samantha one time. I reminded her she would not see them if she even threatened again. I explained that I am their mother. If I don't want them spanked, she has to honor my decision or she won't see them. Often, when I pick them up, I get long descriptions of stuff they have done and what is she to do. I ignore her. As long as she is respectful to them and not hitting I am fine. The issues she has with them now are difference in tolerance. They are things I let the girls do and mom does not want them doing.

Prior to the spanking incident, mom and I had long conversations about spanking and why I would not do it and she disagreed but supposedly would not do it. But, she made it clear she felt I was making the wrong decision. Now, she is fussing again as I have moved completely away from punishments. She is dumbfounded.