What do you do when you think you're going to lose it?

[umsami]

OK... 75% of the time, I can handle it. I'm a good parent... I'm a gentle disciplinarian, etc. But I'm finding more and more that if my younger child (4 months) is crying when my older child (28 or so months) is acting up, I lose it. That's when I yell. That's when I'm tempted to spank him. It's totally not fair to him that I hold him to a different standard when his brother is crying. But I do. So, what I'm trying to do is ignore the crying... and deal with my elder son... or stop the crying (feed, change diapers, whatever) before I deal with him. Problem is, he knows that when his brother cries, it's a great time to act up.

What do you do?

How do you keep from losing it?

[aira]

There was a thread recently about 1 minute wisdom... I'll see if I can find it. Be right back...

OK, One minute Wisdom:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=386295

And a thread about yelling with some excellent posts:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=379888

:hug Hope this helps!

[Mountaingirl3]

If the baby is crying, that gets me, too! If possible, I tell the older child, "Please be patient. I will be right with you." Then, I deal with the baby first. I make it a little game to sound like a telephone voice when you're on hold. "You are important to me. Your patience is appreciated. All of the mommies in this house are helping another child. They will be with you as soon as possible." etc.

When one of the kids really pushes my buttons, I try a reminder word. I try to look at them and say that word in my mind before I do anything or say anything out loud.

For my baby, it's just "Baby". When I start to lose it, I look at how little he is and just think "Baby". Sometimes over and over, like a mantra.

For my 3 year old, it's "Hug". She usually just wants reassurance that I love her even though I'm stressed. She usually melts right into a hug if I can just reach out to her.

For my 5 year old, it's "Listen". She needs me to stop and listen. I need to stop and listen instead of rushing around until I lose it.

Also, there's a great picture book called Harriot, You'll Drive Me Wild! by Mem Fox. The mom doesn't like to yell and tries really hard not to, but finally she's pushed to the limit and she yells and yells. Then, she is sorry and her daughter is sorry and they laugh together and fix it.

[richella]

There's a Bach flower essence for when you are afraid of losing control. I think it's cherry plum. I have had good experiences with flower essences.

[L&IsMama]

I lock myself in the bathroom for a minute and turn the exhaust fan on to drown out kid noise. :bag: Seriously,there's times where that's really all that helps. I know that's a little difficult with an infant,though. I like a PP's advice on reminder words,though! I try to remind myself they ARE still babies in a way,but trust me,I understand what you are going thru. :Hug

[angela&avery]

I AM SO WITH YOU!! I think of all things this is the hardest, my ds has always done this as well, when dd is crying he starts freaking out. They are 2 and 4 and it is still happening. It happened yesterday, as good a day we had, and I still yelled. I dunno what to do, but I did write down many of the quotes to put on the fridge and Im doing a bunch of reading and trying really hard to change my responses. :wink

[WuWei]

Here is a link about self-care and delegating. http://www.mothering.com/discussion...hlight=delegate

Here is an article from "The Natural Child Project": 22 Alternatives to Losing It: http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/22_alternatives.html

Here are a couple more articles about alternatives to punishment and positive discipline: http://www.awareparenting.com/twenty.htm

http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/pdguide.html


HTH, Pat

[WuWei]

Here is a post of mine about helping the older child 'feel right so he acts right':

1. Fill love tank. See "The Five Love Languages for Children". The author suggests that the five are: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, affirmation, quality time. We generally value all; but there is usually a primary 'love language' and each adult or child feels more full of love, or empty of love, if their love language isn't being "spoken" to them consistently, daily.

2. Eye contact when speaking with child.

3. Validation of feelings as has been suggested. The "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids will Talk" discusses pratical communication skills for increasing the dialogue effectiveness.

4. "Siblings Without Rivalry" helps discuss what one pp was saying about allowing the "ugly" feelings about a new sibling to be voiced and validated. This helps the child work through them so that he can move away from carrying them alone. And then he can gain perspective once these are not such a heavy burden.

5. "The Explosive Child" discusses 'picking your battles'. Basically, it has a "Basket" criteria of degrees of battle. Basket "A" is safety issues. These are critical to health and worth making an issue over. Basket "C" are little things that won't matter tomorrow, next week or next month. These are ignored and dealt with without creating an issue/battle or power struggle.

Basket "B" are the important but negotiable items which need buy-in. Most things are here. But the issue is to determine 'Is this critical to the family's happiness *today* to create a power struggle?' What other ways can this issue be tackled together as a team?

6. Food intolerances: dairy causes aggression in our son. We see his behavior change about one hour after consumption and lasts 1-6 hours depending on quantity consumed. Also, high fructose corn syrup (not sugar), artificial colors: red and yellow. See "The Feingold Diet" on-line.

7. 'Meet the underlying needs' is my mantra. I was glad to see so many posters suggesting the focus on working to solve the need, rather than focusing on eliminating the behavior.


HTH, Pat

[Piglet68]

If DH is around I tell him I need him to come and deal with the kids while I take a few minutes to cool off. If I'm by myself I try to take some deep breaths and remind myself that I will feel guilty if I shoot my mouth off the way I'm tempted to in that moment.

[umsami]

Such great advice Moms... thanks!!

It's weird... when I'm with my 2 year old alone... I think, oh... he's still just a little guy. Still needs his Mommy, etc. (Of course, I still need my Mommy at 37 :)) But when I compare him to his brother, he seems so much older. LOL I think I need to use a reminder word that reminds me that he's still a baby/young'un as well.


OK... I have to go get him some more water & apple slices before he'll let me play with my computer some more... BRB

[writermommy]

We love the book "Harriet You'll Drive Me Wild". Yesterday was story book dress up day and my 5 year old chose that book to use. The story is a great reminder for mommy and tells kids that mommies are human too, get angry and feel sorry after.

Also, mine are a little older (7, 5 and 3). They love the movie Cheaper by the Dozen. In that movie, the boys are fighting and mom says, "Mom's losing it!" not in a yelling way, but in a funny way. I've done that a few times when they fight. We all get a big laugh out of it. It diffuses the situation and calms us all down.

[dharmamama]

I tell my kids, "I'm turning into a great big puddle of slug slime! Please help!" (slugs are a big funny in our house) and usually they either start laughing or at least know to tone it down a bit.

Namaste!

[4Marmalade]

I am going to follow this thread. I have always told my dh that I can handle things so well throughout most of the day but the moment baby dd starts crying I lose all sense of focus. Poor ds :( . There's just something about my baby crying that takes all of me and leaves ds with nothing. Funny, how I am a great multi-tasker with everything else in life :innocent . I like the reminder words. Even if it just gives me a moment to regroup.

[WuWei]

Bumping.

Pat

[CaraboosMama]

One thing that really helps me in the moment (and I have a 30 mth old and a 6 mth old so I know where you are coming from!) is a mantra from the book "Mommy Mantras" : This is temporary!

We are in the middle of a lot of stress (job change for dh, cross country move, extended family health issues, etc) on top of the two kiddos - I have posted this mantra in a few places where I will see it & now it immediately comes to mind when I feel overwhelmed.

Take a huge breath & remember that this feeling, situation, phase, etc. IS temporary!

hope this helps:wink

[scoutycat]

I give myself a time out, if possible. I say "argh, I'm *so* frustrated!! I need a time out! I'll be back in a minute. " or whatever I'm feeling, and I go regroup. If I can't do that, sometimes I ask dcs for help, ie. " I'm so tired, frustrated, overwhelmed etc.! I can't stand this! I need help! Can anyone help me? What am I going to do? " Dd1 especially seems to like the importance of this role, and it really switches the whole dynamic around - jen

[lnitti]

when dd is driving me nuts, I try to do something funny.

Maybe I'll growl and she'll get a kick out of it and laugh and it will totally lighten the mood.

Or we'll do "hey hey hey hey", when I chase her down saying that. She loves it and I can get her to do what I need her to do. This all started one day when she didn't want to wash her hands after pottying. She even asks me to do it.

[katallen]

I don't know if this will help, but I found that I felt like spanking a lot when dd was 2 and then that feeling seemed to go away when she was around 3 even though things got harder. I think it is because before they hit the age of 2 things are really so easy and they are still so distractable and we just view them as babies but as they enter 2 our expectations of them change and they start into really hardcore testing. They are also more independent and it makes for a hard match especially if the expectations are to high for the child.

I found that during this time self talk worked and using my self control even when I barely had any. I also made sure to sleep when dd slept when I was prone to losing my temper and I made sure to eat regular meals and snacks to keep my blood sugar even. When I did have a chance to I would read while dd napped but unless your two nap together that may not be possible. There are a lot of great books on tape though that you can play in the background if you like to listen to books many libraries have some that you can borrow and if your local one doesn't they may be able to do an interlibrary loan.

[WuWei]

Bumping.

Pat

[Magnoliamama]

If the baby is crying, that gets me, too! If possible, I tell the older child, "Please be patient. I will be right with you." Then, I deal with the baby first. I make it a little game to sound like a telephone voice when you're on hold. "You are important to me. Your patience is appreciated. All of the mommies in this house are helping another child. They will be with you as soon as possible." etc.

When one of the kids really pushes my buttons, I try a reminder word. I try to look at them and say that word in my mind before I do anything or say anything out loud.

For my baby, it's just "Baby". When I start to lose it, I look at how little he is and just think "Baby". Sometimes over and over, like a mantra.

For my 3 year old, it's "Hug". She usually just wants reassurance that I love her even though I'm stressed. She usually melts right into a hug if I can just reach out to her.

For my 5 year old, it's "Listen". She needs me to stop and listen. I need to stop and listen instead of rushing around until I lose it.

Also, there's a great picture book called Harriot, You'll Drive Me Wild! by Mem Fox. The mom doesn't like to yell and tries really hard not to, but finally she's pushed to the limit and she yells and yells. Then, she is sorry and her daughter is sorry and they laugh together and fix it.


This is lovely! What a great response! Thank you so much for your wisdom.

[WuWei]

Bumping.

Pat

[WuWei]

Bumping.


Pat

[hippiemum21580]

I can soooo very much relate! As a single mom who also does in home childcare and has an open-door policy for all teh kids in the complex my house is always filled with the controlled chaos and din of children. Most of teh time this is hwo I function best. I am such a type-A multi tasker! LOL But there are days when i get frustrated and I hate having to put teh needs of my youngest on hold whenhe is hungry or needing to be snuggled just to break up yet another physical fight.... I have a multitude of things I do to chill out when i feel frazzled and I use them depending on what will be most convenient at the time.
Rescue Remedy...I always have a bottle of it in this house and it is great to diffuse the stress when I am ready to scream.
A hot bath with lavender oil or if time does not permit I dab a drop right under my nose and breathe deeply...
A mantra...whatever suits me in teh moment wether it be " Thsi hoem is a safe haven filled with love" or simply "peace" over and over
a few relaxing yoga poses
my tae bo dvd workout
a walk outdoors with the children. They get to run free in the grass and thus give ME physical space and burn energy.
Sometimes veering off of my original pathway works wonders. Maybe I am stressed cuz dinner needs to be started and laundry needs to be put into the dryer and my toddler is acting up.....but maybe he is acting up cuz he is being ignored and is bored. So, I plop my self down on the floor for an impromptu tickle attack or story time and inevitably within a few minutes we are all MUCH happier and then I get the time i need to complete my tasks. I think ALOT of the time that my kids are getting to me is because they are lacking something simple like a nap, a snack, (I get cranky with low blood sugar too!) or attention. Easy fixes and less stress than battling with them! Look for the trigger first.

[Kitty_boo]

Okay, I only have one child, but I always seem to lose it in our local supermarket. There is something about that place that just gets to me. I usually try and do my big weekly shop alone, but when I run out of something I have to go in and it usually ends in me losing it.

We watch this TV show called 'Poko' and they have this little chant they say when the boy is upset and angry. It goes
'Hug a monkey'
hug him tight'
Hug him till you feel alright'
(The boy has a toy monkey, thought I would just mention that) :)

I imagine he is my monkey and I hug him while saying it. It makes him giggle and it makes me feel better for some reason.

[LoveChild421]

I don't have the 2nd child to contend with but I usually just leave the room and put myself in "time out" until I calm down. I feel like its better for ds to have a tantrum by himself and for me not to engage in it by yelling and egging him on.

[LoveChild421]

Rescue Remedy...I always have a bottle of it in this house and it is great to diffuse the stress when I am ready to scream.
A hot bath with lavender oil or if time does not permit I dab a drop right under my nose and breathe deeply...


I use both of those on myself and ds, they really work. I rub his feet with lavender essential oil before bedtime and he is usually relaxed and doesn't fight sleep if I do. I always give him a little Rescue Remedy if he's acting frazzled or tantruming. I definately use it myself too.

[Motherwolf]

I am glad to hear other moms expressing these feelings. I do feel alone and guilty when I yell at my ds (2.5). I know he is a spirited boy. And he always wants something when ds (9 months) is nursing or needs his diaper changed. But, I am really trying to curb my anger. I just kind of boil up inside and the steam has to come out, and unfortunately it comes out directed towards my husband and my son. It doesn't happen all the time, but mainly when I have lack of sleep (ha-ha, which is all the time, right?) I don't get any time out with other women, or even with my husband. I have had one date with my husband for our 5 year anniversary, since b4 second son was born. And I went to this women's group that will be meeting once a month. This group will serve on many levels supporting each other. I find myself wanting to support others, but find it hard somehow to accept support. How odd is that? I brush it off, like I do compliments. Becoming conscious of these actions isn't really the hard part, but consciously re-acting is. I don't want to re-act to a situation, but find myself doing so. I want to be able to take a deep breath... and somehow let these feelings escape out of my mind and body, and calm myself. Yoga of the brain and emotion. It is all much harder evolving this part of yourelf sometimes, when we've gotten ourselves into the habit.
Thanks for the post!

[homeschoolingmama]

I talk for them.
If I am getting frustrated with the baby (1 month) I talk for her. I will say something like.."Oh mom..I hurt so much. My tummy hurts. Please rock me and cuddle me. I need you" When you do something like that it helps you calm down.
When my 3 or 4 yr olds are upset I do the same thing. Usually it is when they are in bed. I will leave the room and speak for them. I will say something like.."I am crying because I am so tired and I don't know how else to vent. Mom, I need a hug and some calming words. Can you please help me??" This calms me down fairly quickly and I go back in to hug her/them. It seems silly but it helps put things into perspective.