feeling engaged? or like things are on hold?

[bananahands]

I'm early into my second year as a SAHM, and have been thinking a little lately about myself. During the first year, it was easy to let go of personal needs and plans because of the lack of time and sheer exhaustion. Those demands haven't disappeared, of course, but I guess I'm getting better at functioning because I'm starting to remember things that I used to want to do for myself (exercise, reading, taking up new hobbies, etc.).

I'm curious to know if any of you have been able to re-engage in non-baby and non-husband ways. Have you managed to finally do something you always said you would? What was it? Was it worth the effort to devote the few quiet moments you might find to add something new to your life?

I guess I'm dealing with the reality of certain things being on hold. I think that's OK for me right now while the kids are young, but I worry that I might get so caught up in being a SAHM that I'll forget about my own lifelong to-do list. I don't want all the responsibility to turn into an excuse, you know?

[sahm1]

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I have been a SAHM for 3 years now and many things have been put "on hold" for now. I am finally starting to be ok with it b/c I know raising my DD is the most important thing in the world right now and you can't get back this time with them :)

I put going back to school and finding a carrer on hold but you do not have to give up everything you like to do just b/c you are a mom. You still need to find time to exerice or read if that is what you enjoy to avoid burn out.

[Jenlaana]

this is my biggest fear about being a stay at home mom. With my first husband, I did it, and then he left me and I was still without my education and career and all of my life long "to do's" were so far from doable that I gave up completely But somehow I found the courage to do it again because my husband now is very encouraging about promising that we will make time to do what I want to do with our lives, and not just what we are doing at the moment.

I hope every day that I've made the right decision. But for me, this is the second time around, with my new baby coming 10 yrs after my first.

[earthmama369]

I'm just starting to find little ways to engage as "me" and not solely as "wife" or "mother," but my major goals -- going back for my PhD, starting my own editing/proofreading business at home -- are still on hold. Even the little things still tend to be tangled up in my other roles. I just started an evening tai chi class -- two hours out, by myself, once a week while dd gets some quality solo time with dh. But the tai chi class is also my "childbirth prep. class" this time around. As a SAHM, I finally have the focus and time to really spend on gardening, which I love doing and never had enough time for as a FT student and employee, but it's still also a learning and play activity for my daughter, not something I do to get alone time.

That's part of why we decided to have our children so close together, actually. I'm ok with taking this time out from my other goals -- because being here to enjoy my children's early years, and to be here for them, was also a major goal -- but I want to do it all at once, and when I go back to school, I want to be able to focus on that more than I could with really young children. I will probably start that editing business (slowly) while ds is still pretty young if the personality dynamics work out, but starting it now, at 5 months pregnant, isn't the best idea. Intellectually I know that even though my gut is saying "go go go."

[zannster]

Yes, I feel as though things are on hold. I don't even know what [large goals] I want to do; I guess I should give it more serious thought. I don't have much interest in going to work, and I'm not currently interested enough in my previous field to go back to school (which would mean a PhD). I see the benefit -that PP mentioned- of having children close together and getting the labor-intensive years done soon, but I'm starting to think that I really don't have the energy to do that. I'm having a hard enough time with one. So this "on hold" bit could last quite a while.

That said, I do go to the gym several times a week, leaving my son at the child care there (usually for 45 minutes). He really didn't like that in the beginning, so I wasn't able to go, but now he seems to like it more. We go out together a lot (including to the coffee shop), and I anticipate that it will be more fun when the weather warms up and when he is old enough to really participate in more activities (he's now almost 13 mos). We haven't used babysitters much, and we may try that a little more as he gets older - so that DH and I can get some time alone together.

It's good that you brought this up. I should start thinking of things I hope to do someday - some of which may include children, and others won't.

[annethcz]

IME, it's not just the first year of parenting that is so time intensive- the first few years can be very intense. When you're in the midst of parenting babies/toddlers it can seem impossible to believe that it might be possible to resume any semblance of your former life. But it happens, and before you know it, your kids are children and so much more self-sufficient. So, yes, you can just wait it out.

But I've also found that the longer I'm a parent, the better I am at it. I was far more overwhelmed as a parent of one newborn than I am now with 4 children. When my oldest was born, I felt like I couldn't get anything done. By the time my 4th child came along, we just added him into the mix and went on with our family life. Experience is HUGE. And even though I still have a toddler (my youngest is now 2), I'm much better at living my life while incorporating my children. I go out more often, I participate in more outside my home, I follow more of my own interests now. Through trial and error, I've figured out to meet my needs and the needs of my children at the same time. Of course I don't get to do everything I want to do. But I'm doing enough with my life to keep my happy and content. And I know that as my children grow, and the season of my life in which I'm parenting small children grows to a close, that I will be able to further pursue other interests.

[OakBerry]

My ds is 3.5, and I've been out of work since my 9th month of pregnancy.
For 2.5 years, I was completely engaged in ds. Now that he's 3.5, he's a bit more independent, and is really happy in preschool. I have started to focus back on myself a bit. I've started going to the gym on a regular basis, taking some classes here and there. I am even thinking about going back to work next fall.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I've done things a little differently, so my perspective may not be useful.
I got my education (PhD) and had a long career before I had babies. My first was born at 38. So I didn't feel like I had "missed" anything in life.
In fact, my dad retired at 40, so I felt like I was "retired" too, when I got pregnant and left my career.
Little did I know that having kids was more work than any job I'd ever had! :lol
But I guess what I am saying is that I don't feel like there is really anything to go back to--or that I still want to do in my life.
I enjoy having that feeling lifted off of my shoulders.
I think that this feeling makes each and every day more enjoyable. Yes, I am still burned out, and still have tough days. But overall, I feel like I am where I should be at this point in time.
So anyway, that's my situation. But as my dd gets closer to school age (she is weeks away from 4).
I will say this--as the kids get a little older, I am enjoying a little more time doing stuff like scrapbook or read the newspaper.

[chrfath]

Interesting thread. I have been thinking about this alot lately. About having some time for me. Just a bit of a break every once in awhile.

I don't feel like anything is on hold. I love being with the kids and don't plan to go back to work. BUT, I do know I need some time for me. I need to be a person other than just "mom". I love being a mom don't get me wrong. But, I crave even just an hour a week with noone interupting me. :irked: I know it will get easier as my DD gets older, but we still have a long wait on that.

[jkpmomtoboys]

I've done things a little differently, so my perspective may not be useful.
I got my education (PhD) and had a long career before I had babies. My first was born at 38. So I didn't feel like I had "missed" anything in life.


My perspective is similar--I had my first at 29, after having practiced law for several years. We had travelled widely, etc... So I didn't feel like I had missed anything when I had ds1.

At the same time, there are still plenty of things I want to do. I found that when ds1 was 4 and ds2 was 1, I was able to get back into a number of things that, while not working, were good for me career-wise and that helped me feel like I was engaged as me and not on hold indefinitely.

For some people, all it takes is scrapbooking and they feel like they're engaged. Others (like me) need a little bit more. What you need to do to feel engaged will determine when you can start doing it...you definitely don't have to wait!

[turtlemama77]

I'm also into my second year of being a sahm. I don't know what it is about this time in my life, but I feel myself getting the teaching bug (I was a 5th and 6th grade teacher before dd) more often than I used to. I'm not ready to go back now, by any means, and with another baby on the way it's not something I plan to do for a few years at least.

I found myself thinking the other day about what I used to do before dd was born. Isn't it crazy that I forgot about that stuff? I used to do a lot of writing, reading, watching movies, seeing friends, I was busy with teaching...sometimes I can't believe how drastically my life has changed. I do feel like some things are on hold, like my career. Other things I just plain forgot about in the fog of sleep depravation and other baby stuff. It's only been in the last month or so that I've felt like I want to pursue some of the things I used to do.

So I've been trying to write when dd naps. I've been trying to do some reading before I go to bed. dh and I just talked about renting movies more often. I think it will all happen eventually. My big goals, those are more vague. I might go back to school. I might get my middle school certification. I want to do some more traveling eventually. Overall I'm trying not to stress about it because the babies aren't babies forever.

[Storm Bride]

I'm in my third year as a SAHM, but only my first by myself. DH was unemployed (due to immigration issues) until dd was two.

I don't feel as though anything's on hold. I've never really had any goals or hobbies (although I would like to do a bit of furniture refinishing - not feasible with small children around), so there's really nothing that I'm waiting to do. Whenever I have a newborn (I'm on my third), I find it hard to find enough time to read, but that's about it. I spent 10 years trying to have my second baby...infertility and three miscarriages got in the way. So - I guess you could say this was my goal, so I'm good. :)

[MamaDimstam]

I'm another one of those who did things a bit backwards. I had the big career and the big bucks until I had dd, at 33, then ds, at 35. Mine are 18 months apart, so the first few years were really a fog of bf'ing, laundry, bad meals, and diapering. Me? Who was THAT? Now that they are both in KG though (and I'm still a SAHM) I'm finding that the fog is lifting. I'm finding it much easier to shift some focus back on me, and I'm doing things that are only for me now. Not the biggies, like going back to school or work, because I'm really enjoying home life, but little things (mind you for me they are big) like rediscovering my artistic side, finding creative ways to bring more beauty into our lives. I'm enjoying the slowness...the bottom line is that I don't know where exactly I'm headed, but I'm not in a rush to get there so I'm not really feeling an on-hold sense anymore.

How was that for rambling?? :lol

[Jenlaana]

See this drives me NUTS....

I got pregnant with my son when I was 17 (pretty much every woman in my extended family has had a life of graduate high school, get married, have kids, support hubby, get an unimportant job that supports your family, make family your life's goal, etc). While this might be great for some, it was WAAAY too early for me, and I didn't realize it until afterwards. I ended up having a lot of conflicted emotions when my friends went off to college or out partying and I was struggling as a stay at home mom and then a couple years after as a single parent. I felt like I had missed something so crucial. I got remarried when my son was 8 (and I was 27), and my new husband wanted children. It was part of the "deal" as he definitely wanted kids, and if I did not, then we weren't going to get married, simple as that. So I decided that I loved him enough to start a family (again). I love my daughter and enjoy being with her, but there's still that nagging feeling of "so much left to do" and a little bit of frustration at starting over. My son, at 10 yrs old now, can be dragged along just about anywhere I want to go, and babysitters for him are easy to come by since he practically cares for himself. But with a 3 month old baby and another one planned, I'm back to feeling unable to do so many things for another 8-10 years.

My husband, on the other hand, spent the entirity of his twenties partying, going to college, getting his career in order and traveling to Cuba/South America. Now he just doesn't understand why I would have any fear about missing out on things, or why in the world I would want to do anything other than live the "american dream". We have been married 2 years, have a 3 month old baby, are in the process of closing on a beautiful home, and my husband has a career that will likely sustain us through retirement.

I pray that my children will not have their own children before they experience life, because feeling like things are left undone is a very terrible way to feel, and it makes it so much more difficult to enjoy the day in front of you. I had planned to join the Peace Corps, backpack through Ireland researching my ancestors, get my doctorate, and just experience life on a more international level. As it is, I don't even have my associates degree and the farthest I've ever been is Cozumel, where I went on my honeymoon.

I envy those of you who have done everything in the "right order" so very much. I wish I had the forethought that you all do. :(

[mama729]

.

[calynde]

I love this thread...and I soooooo relate! :)

I'm in my 3rd year of SAHM'ing and I initially wanted to have my kids close together. But my ds didn't sleep well at all (for 2 years!), and the exhaustion of it all pretty much bowled me over!!!! The fact that I'm living in Europe now means that I have to re-evaluate what I'm able to do anyway (in terms of career etc) and that extra "barrier" makes it even harder to imagine where I'll be in the future...

Now we're trying for our 2nd...which will make them 4 years apart. On the one hand I feel so incredibly lucky to be a SAHM in the middle of Europe, learning new languages and experiencing new things. But another part of me wonders what it would be like to have started a career (I moved here directly after I finished university...so no "real" job yet). If for nothing else, just to know that it's not all it's cracked up to be!!! :mischief

At any rate, this is my job for now. My plan is to wait until I reach a point of needing to do something else and simply evaluating whatever options I have left at that time of my life. :thumb

[teacup]

It's so weird that you posted this thread because I was going to post a similar topic today.

It took me a year to realize I feel in limbo. I work at home (and did before el bebe), but because I care for her in the day and my SO cares for her in the evenings, I feel on hold. I am starting to return to things ("a life", my SO and I mused the other day; we both had plans last week to do something on our own for fun) I had left (joined the gym the other day), but I feel like a major portion of my life is hacked out and waiting in the wings. The evenings, weekends. Time with my SO.

I don't tend to "go out" a lot with friends. I am a small-circle person who likes to eat out or have coffee and taaaaaalk with friends. That I miss. A lot.

And solitude. My solitude is waiting. It's there. I hope I don't get scared of it. What if I become like my mother, who fears being in the house alone (simply because she is alone, not because of fear of invasion)?

And my relationship with myself is gone for now, too. I talk a lot but am an introvert. I need time alone, in rather largish chunks, to get any sort of reflecting accomplished, and get in touch with my true thoughts and feelings. (Sheesh. Do I sound like a cheeseball or what?)

Shit. Now I'm crying. Anyone else feel like doing that when they think of how they miss themselves or SO?

[streetkitty]

It's so weird that you posted this thread because I was going to post a similar topic today.

It took me a year to realize I feel in limbo. I work at home (and did before el bebe), but because I care for her in the day and my SO cares for her in the evenings, I feel on hold. I am starting to return to things ("a life", my SO and I mused the other day; we both had plans last week to do something on our own for fun) I had left (joined the gym the other day), but I feel like a major portion of my life is hacked out and waiting in the wings. The evenings, weekends. Time with my SO.

I don't tend to "go out" a lot with friends. I am a small-circle person who likes to eat out or have coffee and taaaaaalk with friends. That I miss. A lot.

And solitude. My solitude is waiting. It's there. I hope I don't get scared of it. What if I become like my mother, who fears being in the house alone (simply because she is alone, not because of fear of invasion)?

And my relationship with myself is gone for now, too. I talk a lot but am an introvert. I need time alone, in rather largish chunks, to get any sort of reflecting accomplished, and get in touch with my true thoughts and feelings. (Sheesh. Do I sound like a cheeseball or what?)

Shit. Now I'm crying. Anyone else feel like doing that when they think of how they miss themselves or SO?

so totally know what you mean...I try to enjoy every moment but sometimes the nostalgia creeps in...I will have my own life again...it's not that far away...until then-I'll keep on limbo-ing w/big ideas in my head!

traci

[joy11]

I finally decided to get a mommy's helper on a regular basis - that has turned out great! This way, I have time for myself but I can still spend some time with dd any time. I'm so much happier now that I can pursue my personal interests even just for a few hours a week. Though, most of the time, I'm just so burned out SAHM-ing, I just use those times to just chill and not really do anything much ... :lol


I have thought so many times about how nice it would be to be able to afford a mommy's helper, and that if we could, then I could see having another child as a possiblity. But, since we can't, I am definitely stopping at one. I simply can NOT take the total lack of personal time, the sleep depravation and the physical and emotional strain and fatigue of it all. It is just bearable with one. I don't know how you all do it with more than one. I am forever in awe. I guess I'm just not cut out for it or something, but I do love being a mom and am so glad that I get to SAHM, as I would have it no other way. I would have panic attacks leaving DS with someone, even family or friends. That is why I daydream about a mommy's helper. Just somebody around who can help me carry him around all day and hold him while I take a shower or make something to eat. :lol When my mom comes to visit, it is so wonderful as she is like the best mommy's helper ever. :bouncy But, then I want to cry for two days after she leaves and near depression sets in. :( I have to have things planned out of the house the day she leaves to curb the effects of the lonliness and feeling trapped and ineffective as a person.

Things are better now that after I get DS to sleep, he sleeps a few hours before I come to bed and I have that time to eat, clean, do stuff. It has made a world of difference for me, but I am still chained to the house in case he wakes up, as only I can get him to sleep, unfortunately. So, can't even go out for a walk alone.

I always considered myself to be a patient person with great self-sacrificing abilities, and worked with children for years, but boy did I have no idea what mom's sacrifice!! Of course it's worth it, but Holy Cow! At this point, I just look forward to being able to lift my arms and shoulders again without pain, for crying out loud. :nut

[muse]

Interesting thread, and I can so relate. I've been an "accidental" SAHM for over 4 yrs now. Accidental because I always meant to work PT but it just hasn't worked out that way. Before DD was born I really felt in limbo, and constantly struggled with wanting to be doing something else. I have to say the second time around I am a bit more at peace with what my role is right now. I see the impermanence of it and can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel since we don't plan on more children. On the other hand I am even more aware of the importance of meeting my own needs this time, and make sure Dh gives me "time off" at the weekends. Last week I had coffee with a friend and talked for 2 hrs straight and it felt amazing! It also felt ridiculous to be so excited by that and realise I have rarely done that in 4 whole years! How did that happen?!

Another thought is that I don't see this as "limbo" so much as a transition phase which is totally transforming me, so that when I go back to my work and to my life as a musician, I will bring so much more to both. I feel like parenthood has matured me in ways nothing else could have. I've had to put off the PHD I long to do, etc etc, but when I get to it I will probably get so much more out of it, KWIM?

I REALLY recommend a book called Matrenal Desire by Daphne de Marneffe which has really helped me clarify my thoughts on all of this.

[Copper]

I had a "girls night out" a few Fridays ago with some friends, one has no kids, one has two kids but works fulltime. We all need a break and have been making a point of trying to go out to eat once a month just us girls. We went out to eat and our dinners are like 3 hours long! I felt so darn refreshed by the time I got home I couldn't even sleep!! Dd and dh did "crafts" together.

I have to say though the other day dd was talking and referenced "the night you went out with your friends" and man, that really sounded weird!!! :lol

Over the last year we have also been making a point of having these same people and kids/and/spouses, taking turns once a month at one another's house for pizza, beer and games. When it is the couple's turn with no kids, my mother-in-law watchs dd for a few hours, it is such a nice break to talk to adults!!! :)