Choices

[mamadawg]

I need some help with choices. I have 28 month old twins and so far things have been going very well for us. It seems, though, that we're hitting a bit of a rough patch and my girls are becoming more willful. I've always used choices as a method for getting them to do things (like if we're in the grocery store and I need for them to stop grabbing things off the shelves). But I'm getting a little overwhelmed with two 2 year olds and my patience is wearing a little thin.

I'm having a hard time with giving them choices that aren't completely messed up (in my mind). For example, we were in a restaurant the other night and one my dds wouldn't stop jumping on the chair. So I told her that she had a choice: she could sit down in her chair like everyone else in the restaurant or she could jump up and down and someone would yell at us. :o That just didn't sit well with me. But I'm finding that my bag of trick with choices is really limited.

Can someone point me to some resources on this? I've been searching on the CNVC website and the Natural Child Project website and I can't find much. I'm also pretty tired & frazzled so it's entirely possible I've come across what I'm looking for and I totally missed it.

I seem to remember there being a list somewhere of communicating with your child using choices. Does anyone know what I'm talking about??

[mamadawg]

Shameless bump.

I also wanted to say that I'm using choices because they are the only thing that work effectively on my girls most of the time. I'm very laid back and I don't believe in using force or coercion with them (although, I guess the way I've been using choices is a form of coercion...) and giving them a choice is the best way to make things peaceful for all of us when they really ought to be doing something they don't want to be doing.

Generally I'm a very laid back mama, but there are times when I need them to do something that they don't necessarily want to do. So I guess I'm looking for help on that. I haven't ever felt the need to "discipline" them, so all of this is pretty new to me.

I'd appreciate any guidance. TIA.

[TripMom]

Hi mama -

I like the idea of giving limited choices - like you did. I would have changed the 2nd choice you offered to leaving the restaurant - either permanently or step outside for awhile with another parent until kid settles down (if possible?).

That to me would have been more effective -- albeit more of a pain to implement - but more likely more effective with DD. The "choice" that someone may "yell" at her if she continues isn't really a choice - you described a potential consequence - and one that likely would not really register with her or be a deterrent to her of any kind - its mom that would have to absorb that right?

PS - I totally get the extra issues you deal with having multiples! Believe me, my name ain't Tripmom for nothing!

[DevaMajka]

Yeah, I think choices should be real choices. Ones that are both acceptable to you. Dc is free to choose either one.
So maybe, sit still, or we can walk around the restaurant once, then come back and try again.
But I also think that its a good thing to tell dc what the natural consequences will be (that is, not enforced by you) and if you really believed that someone might come over and yell, that is one.
And telling them how their actions affect others. It may or may not help in the moment, but I think its a great thing to do for the long term.

I don't have much helpful advice. I hope you get some :)

[mamadawg]

Yeah, I think choices should be real choices. Ones that are both acceptable to you. Dc is free to choose either one.
So maybe, sit still, or we can walk around the restaurant once, then come back and try again.
But I also think that its a good thing to tell dc what the natural consequences will be (that is, not enforced by you) and if you really believed that someone might come over and yell, that is one.
And telling them how their actions affect others. It may or may not help in the moment, but I think its a great thing to do for the long term.

I don't have much helpful advice. I hope you get some :)

Thank you so much for this. I know it's basic common sense to many, but I really needed to be reminded of this. This is very helpful and I'll keep it in mind for next time.

TripMom, I didn't even think of walking away for a while with her. Duh. Thanks for the reminder. I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be out with three of the same age! I think I'd be permanently insane. :lol

[tara]

Hey, dawg. :love: I think in the moment it can be very difficult to come up with logical, reasonable, fair choices. I've certainly rattled off stuff that was none of the above, and I have but one child. But, it gets easier with practice, for sure.

I try (in my best mama moments) to find choices that honor the impulse (as in, "I see you want to jump. Chairs are for sitting. You can sit in your chair or we can take a quick jumping break in the hallway/bathroom/outside/whatever"). If you have taken a zillion jumping breaks and you really need to eat your dinner, maybe, "It's time to eat and I'm hungry. You can sit in your chair or in my lap." Not that you can eat with a 2 year old in your lap. :lol

I have often felt like my choice-giving was fairly coercive (like, when I say, "You can get into your carseat by yourself or with my help" or "You can walk with your own two feet or I can carry you"), but it helps me to remember to be playful whenever possible. It's way more fun to say, "Do you want to slither into your carseat like a snake or climb like a sloth?". Give your girls a year, though, and they'll stop you in your tracks with something like, "I want to sit right here like a Jackson". :lol

[mamadawg]

Thanks, tara. :love:

I agree--it's really hard for me to come up with choices in the moment. That's why I came up with that messed up version in my OP. I really should have used a :bag: smilie, because that's how I feel about it. I think it's a really good idea to offer a choice that is like a break from whatever they're doing. Not a time-out, because I'd be with them (like going for a walk around the restaurant), but more of a way for them to come back to the present moment and be mindful of what they're doing.

I try to be playful and it works the majority of the time. I've realized that it takes the same amount of time to work with them than it does to struggle with them. Dp is currently learning that and he's really amazed at how that works.

Give your girls a year, though, and they'll stop you in your tracks with something like, "I want to sit right here like a Jackson".

:laugh: I love that! What a smart, charming boy you've got there. :love

[tara]

I've realized that it takes the same amount of time to work with them than it does to struggle with them That is a heck of a good point right there.