GD and food?

[sanguine_speed]

I'm really struggling with what to do about food as it pertains to my children in many aspects. Specifically, there are my questions and concerns:

-what boundaries must be "enforced" when it comes to my kids consuming foods that I consider inappropriate? How do I decide how much of what is acceptable and do I make it a clear rule, or is it always open for discussion? Without consistency, I'm finding my 4yo is confused about limits, or constantly gets upset when I impose a seemingly different rule this time (but really my decision depends on circumstances, which I try to convey to her still-developing sense of reason).

-I do not want to have a large list of forbidden foods, because I know that isn't the most effective tactic. However, some things just must be forbidden right now. My daughter has some behaviours that I feel are attributable to food additives. If I am to try and test this hypothesis, I must remove these additives and this results in restricting my child's diet in a serious way. All I'm left to do is try and explain?

-what about dinner time? My children really prefer component meals and will rarely eat food that is 'mixed up'. But, then they only eat their favourite component and will not eat the others. They want more of the same component. I want to give them as much autonomy as possible, and I know that if I prefered a certain food and really didn't want the others, I'd probably have more of the same. Then again, I have more knowledge about food and nutrients than my small children and can make an informed choice. They are not capable of being fully aware of the consequences of their choices when it comes to food. So to me, that means there must be limits.

How do these issues get resolved in a GD household???


I will add that we do a lot of talking about healthy, nourishing food, as well as describing the components of our bodies and how food helps our bodies grow, etc. I have also tried explaining about less healthy choices. We own and read "Eat Healthy, Feel Great" from the Sears series. (which we edit because we don't eat meat or drink milk).

[johub]

I'm really struggling with what to do about food as it pertains to my children in many aspects. Specifically, there are my questions and concerns:

-what boundaries must be "enforced" when it comes to my kids consuming foods that I consider inappropriate? How do I decide how much of what is acceptable and do I make it a clear rule, or is it always open for discussion? Without consistency, I'm finding my 4yo is confused about limits, or constantly gets upset when I impose a seemingly different rule this time (but really my decision depends on circumstances, which I try to convey to her still-developing sense of reason).

-I do not want to have a large list of forbidden foods, because I know that isn't the most effective tactic. However, some things just must be forbidden right now. My daughter has some behaviours that I feel are attributable to food additives. If I am to try and test this hypothesis, I must remove these additives and this results in restricting my child's diet in a serious way. All I'm left to do is try and explain?

I think the best thing to do in this situation is to simply not have those things around at all. Remove them from everybody's diet so that the temptation is not around and you can minimize your limts and explanations. (or at least keep these things from being consumed in her presence).
Just by doing this you may find that your "forbidden" list seems much smaller to your dc.


-what about dinner time? My children really prefer component meals and will rarely eat food that is 'mixed up'. But, then they only eat their favourite component and will not eat the others. They want more of the same component. I want to give them as much autonomy as possible, and I know that if I prefered a certain food and really didn't want the others, I'd probably have more of the same. Then again, I have more knowledge about food and nutrients than my small children and can make an informed choice. They are not capable of being fully aware of the consequences of their choices when it comes to food. So to me, that means there must be limits.

How do these issues get resolved in a GD household???

My children eat in just this way. Especially my 3 year old, he doesnt even want his food touching. What I do is I will delay a second helping of the preferred food until at least a bite or two is eaten of a less preferred (but not disliked) food. I dont make my kids eat what they dont like. But if they sometimes eat x, but today they have x and y and only want y. I will tell them that they may have more y after they have 2 bites of x. (or whatever).
Then if I feel some nutrient component is lacking, I make up for it in another meal. I might also contrive to offer something I want them to eat alone at a snack (so there isnt any preferred food competing).
I firmly believe that kids diets and food choices average out throughout the week if we just offer a variety of healthy foods, over a span of a week (but not per meal or per day) their diets will be balanced. And I find this to be true for my kids. They might reject vegetables tuesday but crave celery and cucumber slices on wednesday. THey may not eat any meat on wednesday but ask for seconds on friday.

[The4OfUs]

I agree with taking a look at an entire week as opposed to day by day.

I'm also a firm believer in the parents being responsible for what is available to the child (i.e., not a short order cook), but the child deciding what and how much of what is available to eat.

When it comes to food, I do not engage in battles, because it is one area that I believe can cause huge problems down the road.

I offer several different items at every meal, making sure one of them is one I know DS likes, and then he gets to decide how much of what he eats. If he wants 3 helpings of rice, 4 kernels of corn and 1 bite of chicken, OK by me. Half a bell pepper and a cup of milk? Fine. I know it will all balance out over the course of a week, because I know what I offer him is almost all very good for him (we do junk food sometimes though, I won't deny it).

As DS gets older, if he decides he doesn't want what we're having, he'll be welcome to make himself cereal or a sandwich, but I will always have at least one food at each meal that he likes.


I also agree with not having the foods available to anyone if you're testing your reaction theory, because it's not fair to let everyone else eat whatever it is but not that one person, because then I almost guarantee that will be the only thing that one person wants. If it's not in the house, it isn't an option.

Good luck!

[sanguine_speed]

I was refering to non-approved foods outside the home such as at friends' houses or while out and about.

I also agree in allowing the child to have whatever and providing only healthy alternatives, but what if the child only eats vegetables every night? Yay veggies, but...>? If you then only provide the food that your child needs but he doesn't want it, then what?


It is very possible that a child will never choose a food that contains an essential vitamin/mineral. Particularly, I'm concerned about iron. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of...but that choice is never made. SO then what???

[sanguine_speed]

II offer several different items at every meal, making sure one of them is one I know DS likes,Good luck!


The thing is, my child "likes" things one day, then doesn't the next. It's not a matter of feeling repulsed or ill by the foods, but a matter of prefering something else that day. So, hummus was a favourite and a reasonable supply of iron, but now it's a no-go, even when we make it together and pair it with favourite veggies.

[The4OfUs]

I was refering to non-approved foods outside the home such as at friends' houses or while out and about.

I also agree in allowing the child to have whatever and providing only healthy alternatives, but what if the child only eats vegetables every night? Yay veggies, but...>? If you then only provide the food that your child needs but he doesn't want it, then what?


It is very possible that a child will never choose a food that contains an essential vitamin/mineral. Particularly, I'm concerned about iron. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of...but that choice is never made. SO then what???
well, you might not like what I have to say about this then, either, but here goes anyway :o .

Out and about, or at other people's houses, I wouldn't worry about it as much, necessarily, especially if it's just occasional - I think there's something to be said for lettign your child be like the others, sometimes, if it's just something that you wouldn't serve. But then again, as I said, I'm not real concerned about it occasionally. For us, it doesn't happen very often, and if he gets twinkies and hot dogs at a friends house every once in a while, I won't sweat it...BUT if you have serious concerns about reactions and confirm them at home, or if you are out and about a lot, I would then pack fun foods that were OK every time you go out, and be sure to offer some to the other kids around, too...actually, I always bring food for DS when we go out, no matter where we are going - food I know is good for him and that he likes, in case he doesn't like whatever is where we are (but not because I'm worried about him getting junk - sometimes he doesn't like the junk anyway, so I like to have good stuff ready for him if that happens).

As far as missing one essential mineral/vitamin, if you can't get your kid to willingly eat it, I'd supplement...it's still not worth the battle for me - forcing them to eat it isn't goign to help, and if they won't do it on their own, I think that's exactly what supplements are for. Or, you could try sneaky ways of putting it in a smoothie or something....I've heard of lots of different ways to hide things in smoothies.

One thing that does cross my mind is that DS wasn't interested in meat for a while (I know you said you don't eat meat, but it's just to give a suggestion)....for some reason one time we just had the meat on his plate, not the starch or veggie, and he chowed it down. But, if we put the meat on the plate with the other stuff, he won't eat it (or won't eat much). So, what we do is give him his meat first, he can eat as much of it as he wants (or not), and then after 5 min or so we'll give him the rest of his food (regardless of how much meat he has eaten), and he eats whatever from there, too...soooo, you could try serving the iron-rich foods alone first (but NOT in an "if you don't eat this, you won't get anything else" way) and give that a few minutes...then serve the rest.

Hope this was more what you were looking for..... :Peace

[sanguine_speed]

One thing that does cross my mind is that DS wasn't interested in meat for a while (I know you said you don't eat meat, but it's just to give a suggestion)....for some reason one time we just had the meat on his plate, not the starch or veggie, and he chowed it down. But, if we put the meat on the plate with the other stuff, he won't eat it (or won't eat much). So, what we do is give him his meat first, he can eat as much of it as he wants (or not), and then after 5 min or so we'll give him the rest of his food (regardless of how much meat he has eaten), and he eats whatever from there, too...soooo, you could try serving the iron-rich foods alone first (but NOT in an "if you don't eat this, you won't get anything else" way) and give that a few minutes...then serve the rest.

Hope this was more what you were looking for..... :Peace

I will definitely try this.

I've found some success in gently placing foods near dd with the phrase: "this is here if you would like to eat it, but if you don't want to, that's fine". Sometimes she eats the food she originally protested.

Tonight I'll try this. It could be fun--maybe a four course dinner with fancy napkins and wine glasses for our water, etc.

[The4OfUs]

Tonight I'll try this. It could be fun--maybe a four course dinner with fancy napkins and wine glasses for our water, etc.
That's the spirit!!! Good luck!! :hug Let me know how it turns out - that does sound like fun...maybe we'll have to have a fancy night here too, soon!

[Llyra]

I think that with food, there's a divison of responsibility. The parent decides what to buy and what to serve. The child decides which of the available choices to eat, and how much.

I too go through all kinds of internal frustration about what DD eats, but I really think that ANY kind of pressure tactics, even gentle coaxing, only backfire on me. So I try really hard to just let it go. I only keep good foods in the house, even though that means DH and I have to go without our favorite treats (well, actually, we keep a secret stash and eat them after DD goes to bed, and we'll keep that up until she's old enough to be aware of what we're doing) and let DD pick what she wants from among those foods. When I see that there are certain essential nutrients she's missing, I resort to supplements (DD also doesn't get much iron, except for what's in her cereal) because it's just not worth agonizing over.

At other people's homes, I just relax and go with the flow. We mostly spend our days at home, and a visit is a treat, and if DD eats junk for one afternoon it's not that big a deal. As she gets older, we'll talk about moderation but she's just a toddler now.

When there's something I really want her to try, and I offer it at the beginning of a meal when she's really hungry, and sometimes she'll be hungry enough to give it a shot. If she doesn't want it, I just matter of factly take it away and offer her something else.

In the case of intolerances or allergies, though, at someone else's house, I guess I'd have to be firm and say, "not for Julia."

It's the rare toddler or preschooler that eats what we'd consider a truly balanced diet, but they mostly seem to grow up just fine, and many of them broaden their dietery horizons as they get older, especially if their families provide a good example. I say don't sweat it.

[johub]

As for eating "forbidden" things when out, I would start trying to limit outings during meal times or snack times. Or if there is a situation where children will be together for a snack, try to negotiate with the other moms ahead of time so that the food offered is not a forbidden one.

And as for if they just wont eat some nutrient over a long period of time, I also agree. Give a supplement, and keep offering the foods. It isn't the best way to get the nutrient, but it is better than creating a power struggle. And if you dont try to push, it will likely be that much sooner that she will decide to eat these foods on her own.

And if my kids eat only veggies for dinner, maybe I would offer only fruits for lunch and only grains for breakfast! :shrug

[TortelliniMama]

So, what we do is give him his meat first, he can eat as much of it as he wants (or not), and then after 5 min or so we'll give him the rest of his food (regardless of how much meat he has eaten), and he eats whatever from there, too...soooo, you could try serving the iron-rich foods alone first (but NOT in an "if you don't eat this, you won't get anything else" way) and give that a few minutes...then serve the rest.
We've done something similar to this. Rather than making the desired food a reward for taking a bite of other food, we just say that the desired food isn't "ready" yet. Then we just wait a couple of minutes before a bite of the desired food is offered. It's not dependent on whether or not he's eaten any of the other food. Instead, it's just a delay to give him a chance to consider trying some of the other. Of course, ds so far has been too young to realize, "It is too ready! It's sitting right there!" For an older child, you could just time dinner preparations so that not everything is ready at once. Goodness knows that happens to me all the time when I'm actually trying to have everything ready at once. :lol

Or you could start having "hors d'oeuvres" before dinner, with the less favorite foods served then, when everyone's getting really hungry. Like I said, I wouldn't make getting the rest of dinner contingent on eating any hors d'oeuvres, but having them there without any competition combined with almost-dinnertime hunger might make them more appealing.

[writermommy]

Whatever they don't eat at meals, I try to make up in snacks. My youngest daughter doesn't always eat vegetables for dinner. So I offer her raw veggies during the day for snacks. This way, she gets what she needs and I don't need to stress at meal times. My oldest daughter is a vegetarian and I get concerned that she doesn't get enough protein. I offer her foods rich in protein for snacks. Since the other 2 eat meat, this is only a problem with the oldest.

My middle child has sensitivities to artificial colors and flavors. She gets tummy aches and has major ADD-like behaviors when she eats this junk. I don't buy any foods with these ingredients. When we are out, we are usually with close friends or family. They are aware of her sensitivities and cooperate by not offering these foods when she is over. I also will bring healthier snacks with us that she likes and can eat without getting sick.

[sanguine_speed]

What about foods that are healthy in moderation, but really shouldn't be eaten in large quantities? Whole wheat bread comes to mind--it has its place in her diet, but if I gave her free choice that's all she would eat. I don't think I should keep it out of the house, but there need to be limits. Even carrots can be toxic in high amounts, as can most things really...I really just can't accept that my child should eat whatever she wants and that I should be able to control that by keeping only healthy foods in the house. I ultimately think that this is a case of safety and an adult decision. Thanks for allowing me to discuss this issue and clarify my own sentiments. I believe that the food my child eats directly impacts her health and wellbeing right now and for years to come. I also believe that she does not have the capacity to make an informed decision on what food she eats. I therefore must impose some restrictions on her eating above and beyond only keeping 'healthy' foods in the house.
Thanks again!!!!!

[nwaddellr]

We go with the "Sorry, X is all gone. If you're still hungry, you can have Y" when I'm worried my DS will eat too much of something that's not all that appropriate. We also do the offer later bit (especially at lunch with dessert - I won't get it out until I'm done with everything else and DS has eaten at least something).

For meals, I refuse to short-order cook, but I give options for every meal but dinner. As in, would you like a bagel and cream cheese or cereal for breakfast. Dinner is what we're having, although we will offer DS a piece of bread and butter if he wants it so he eats something for dinner.

[maya44]

What about foods that are healthy in moderation, but really shouldn't be eaten in large quantities? Whole wheat bread comes to mind--it has its place in her diet, but if I gave her free choice that's all she would eat. I don't think I should keep it out of the house, but there need to be limits. Even carrots can be toxic in high amounts, as can most things really...I really just can't accept that my child should eat whatever she wants and that I should be able to control that by keeping only healthy foods in the house. I ultimately think that this is a case of safety and an adult decision. Thanks for allowing me to discuss this issue and clarify my own sentiments. I believe that the food my child eats directly impacts her health and wellbeing right now and for years to come. I also believe that she does not have the capacity to make an informed decision on what food she eats. I therefore must impose some restrictions on her eating above and beyond only keeping 'healthy' foods in the house.
Thanks again!!!!!


Try reading "How to get your kid to eat, but not too much" By Ellyn Satter. She really discussed what is an appropriate adult decision "What is served" and what is a child's decision "how much (if any) to eat"

She might make you feel better about allowing your dd to eat a lot of bread and how to work out the feeding relationship.

[johub]

What about foods that are healthy in moderation, but really shouldn't be eaten in large quantities? Whole wheat bread comes to mind--it has its place in her diet, but if I gave her free choice that's all she would eat. I don't think I should keep it out of the house, but there need to be limits. Even carrots can be toxic in high amounts, as can most things really...I really just can't accept that my child should eat whatever she wants and that I should be able to control that by keeping only healthy foods in the house. I ultimately think that this is a case of safety and an adult decision. Thanks for allowing me to discuss this issue and clarify my own sentiments. I believe that the food my child eats directly impacts her health and wellbeing right now and for years to come. I also believe that she does not have the capacity to make an informed decision on what food she eats. I therefore must impose some restrictions on her eating above and beyond only keeping 'healthy' foods in the house.
Thanks again!!!!!

Well unlike some moms here I also control what I offer my children. THey do not have free reign over the kitchen. SO I simply dont offer the same thing repeatedly.
So if all my kids choose to eat out of their breakfast selection is the whole wheat toast, and they have seconds. Then I probably wont be offering anythign with bread the rest of the day, and I would offer different choices for breakfast the next day.
Parents control not only what they buy, but also what they prepare and offer for meals and snacks.
My kids love carrots, and might eat a handful of baby carrots each day. But I do not offer them carrots at every meal just because they like them.
So if you are offering a meal wiht 4 different items, and your child chooses only one item and eats all of it and asks for more, I would offer more but not a limitless amount. "Yes you can have more carrots, but if you are still hungry you will have to eat somethign else off your plate"
I am a BIG believer in variety, so even if my kids would like to eat whole wheat bread at every meal, I am not offering it at every meal. THey can choose of the healthy foods I have selected for that meal.
You choose what you purchase AND offer, and your child chooses what to eat and how much.
Joline

[heartmama]

We keep healthy foods in the house, and he is free to eat whatever he wants of that, whenever he is hungry. I make suggestions and he is usually agreeable. Sometimes I might put a strong emphasis on something being necessary in greater or lesser amounts in his diet. I don't outright forbid or limit him though. I suppose the extent of my real control is over what comes into the house. Once it is here I think he needs to rely on himself to make good choices. Overall he is very agreeable and this approach has worked well for us.

I also agree with a vitamin supplement. Thare so many out there, from chewables to gummy bears. Even if your children ate the diet you would ideally prefer, the nutritional value of modern foods is low enough to warrant a daily vitamin.

[The4OfUs]

What about foods that are healthy in moderation, but really shouldn't be eaten in large quantities? Whole wheat bread comes to mind--it has its place in her diet, but if I gave her free choice that's all she would eat. I don't think I should keep it out of the house, but there need to be limits. Even carrots can be toxic in high amounts, as can most things really...I really just can't accept that my child should eat whatever she wants and that I should be able to control that by keeping only healthy foods in the house. I ultimately think that this is a case of safety and an adult decision. Thanks for allowing me to discuss this issue and clarify my own sentiments. I believe that the food my child eats directly impacts her health and wellbeing right now and for years to come. I also believe that she does not have the capacity to make an informed decision on what food she eats. I therefore must impose some restrictions on her eating above and beyond only keeping 'healthy' foods in the house.
Thanks again!!!!!
As Joline said, I don't give DS 'free reign' either - I am the one who offers, and he is the one who decides from what I offer, what to eat. I just always make sure to offer a variety and *at least* one food he likes at each meal...I'm no short order cook either...though if he doesn't want anything I offer, I give him ONE alternative (like a PBJ OR hummus and veggies) AND, if he finishes all that's available of one thing, I tell him ithat's all there is, he can have some of whatever else is out. I just don't worry if it's a lot of one thing and none of another at any one given meal...I look at a whole week for my variety and content, as we said before.

But I also agree with what Joline that if DS decides to only eat whole wheat bread at breakfast, and a whole wheat pita at lunch, you can bet I'm not offering him anything whole wheat at dinner :lol

Oh, and for the record, using this method, I have never had him resist or protest about food. That's my goal - no food battles.

[sanguine_speed]

But I also agree with what Joline that if DS decides to only eat whole wheat bread at breakfast, and a whole wheat pita at lunch, you can bet I'm not offering him anything whole wheat at dinner :lol

Oh, and for the record, using this method, I have never had him resist or protest about food. That's my goal - no food battles.


That's precisely my problem; my child is old enough to know that the whole wheat bread is stored in the fridge. I can't lie to her, and actually I don't like the many suggestions here that tell me to do so (tell her it's not ready, tell her it's all gone) anyway.
So, it's in the house, and she knows where it is. If she asks for it and I say no, then I am controling what she eats. But it would not be reasonable to handle this by not keeping the food in the house, because it's appropriate to serve it sometimes. Just because it's not "served" at dinner does not mean she will not ask for it.

If she asks, and I say "no", then I'm exercising my power over her and disallowing her from choosing what she eats.

I would like to hear from others who have preschoolers on this.

[boongirl]

Try reading "How to get your kid to eat, but not too much" By Ellyn Satter. She really discussed what is an appropriate adult decision "What is served" and what is a child's decision "how much (if any) to eat"

She might make you feel better about allowing your dd to eat a lot of bread and how to work out the feeding relationship.

Ellyn also has another book called Child of Mine. They are both widely available. You could find them used or at a library very easily. I had to get them both due to my dd's eating/neck issues but I was very pleased to see how very GD they are. I very nearly no food issues with my nearly 3 year old and almost never struggle or fight with her over food. She eats a healthy diet, over the course of a week, not a day, and she eats a variety of foods. She is still picky, and occasionally we have junk, but overall I know those two books have helped her to be a healthy eater.

They are easy to read, too!

And, she has a website. Ellyn Satter (http://www.ellynsatter.com/)

[boongirl]

-what boundaries must be "enforced" when it comes to my kids consuming foods that I consider inappropriate? How do I decide how much of what is acceptable and do I make it a clear rule, or is it always open for discussion?

I will add that the way Ms. Satter addresses these issues in her books is to say that it is up to the parent to choose the food and how much of it go give to the child. It is up to the child to decide when to eat and how much. The key is putting something at each meal that you know your child will like and eat. That may vary from day to day so you may have to ask your child, would you like beans or peas, knowing he will most likely pick one. Then, you put out the food and it is up to him to eat what he chooses. You do not prepare different meals from everyone else. But, if you know for sure that your children are not going to eat foods all combined together, then prepare them separately for your child. Example: I just make a huge pot of minestrone soup. My nearly 3 year old will not eat soup. So, I separated some of the beans (which she loves) aside while cooking and put that in the fridge for her. She got a bowl of beans with parmesan cheese for dinner while dh and I had our soup with parmesan cheese. I also set aside some of the carrots for her to eat raw since I know she will not eat them cooked. (There are carrots in the soup) She also had some of the wheat bread we all had with dinner. See? She got a healthy dinner but I did not have to prepare a different meal.

As for deciding what is acceptable and how much of it to eat, well again it is up to you to make that decision. For example, my child loves Goldfish crackers. She would eat a whole box if allowed. So, I only buy them once in a while. I give her a handful or so once or twice a day and I don't worry that she is eating relatively a lot of that because I only buy them once in a while. And, I think of her nutrition over the course of a week, not a day. The philosophy behind the last sentence comes from Satter's books. She says that little ones eat a lot one day and not so much for the next day or two or maybe they eat a lot three days in a row.......They just don't eat as regularly as we adults do so why should we regulate their meals the same way we do ours?

Anyway, read the books. Child of mine came first, I think, but they are both awesome! They are must haves for every GD healthy eating family.

[johub]

If she asks for it and I say no, then I am controling what she eats. But it would not be reasonable to handle this by not keeping the food in the house, because it's appropriate to serve it sometimes. Just because it's not "served" at dinner does not mean she will not ask for it.

If she asks, and I say "no", then I'm exercising my power over her and disallowing her from choosing what she eats.

I would like to hear from others who have preschoolers on this.

I seriously dont lie. My child knows fully well when we have something and do not have it. And it doesnt stop me from telling him "no more".
I dont have to lie. I just tell him no.
He would eat cheese slices all day long if I let him. But after 2 I tell him that he may not have any more cheese because too much is not good for his body would he like an apple instead.
Yes that is controlling what choices are availible.
I have no problem with this.
I think the key is either to accept that it is well and good to share control and accept i, or to make the decision to let go and truly trust your child to have full control.
I dont think you can control without controlling. Even if you are choosing what you purchase, that STILL is exercising power over her and disallowing her from choosing what she eats. (because she knows you buy food at the store and you could buy some if you wanted to, but she cant because she doesnt drive or have access to money)

Good luck,
Joline

[Niamh]

I'm not sure how well my approach will be accepted here, but we stumbled onto it by accident.

My dad was moving and offered us his small office fridge. We took it, not knowing what we'd do with it. Fast forward 10 months, and my 18 month old daughter is snacking. Having already discussed how we wanted to handle eating in our house (no "eat a bite of this or you're not done", allowing the child to eat as much/little of what was offered as they wanted, only offering what we were comfortable with them eating, etc), we decided to experiment a bit with the fridge. So we stuck it in the kitchen and put her sippy cups and some snacks in it.

We had an idea that for the first few days, it would be a huge mess as she experimented with her power, and we were right. We only stuck easily cleaned up snacks in there (tortillas, carrots, etc) and didn't get angry as she rearranged the shelves and where items were on the shelves for the 99th time. After a few days, the fridge was normal and she trusts that it is her space.

I only put snacks in there that I am comfortable with her having. No ice cream, no cookies, etc. She always has a water cup and a milk cup in there, but the juice cup is only in there at my discretion. I also decide what is in there. Right now it's chicken, orange slices, carrots, a tortilla and cheese slices. It rotates and I only put in as much as I am comfortable with her eating. (I only have 6 small slices of cheese in right now.) Also, leftovers from the night before sometimes find their way in there.

It's amazing how much your children will regulate themselves if given healthy choices from the beginning. For example, my SIL saw how well this was working for us and tried it with her children. They have a very controlling parenting approach. It was a disaster. Her kids went crazy because they weren't used to the freedom and she didn't ease into it. Food was everywhere. They were gorging. And she put cookies in the fridge. After two days she declared our child a freak of nature and said we were just lucky our parenting style had worked up until now.

About visiting/eating out. Visiting, I always take options and let her pick from what's offered. Like a PP said, I don't think once in awhile will hurt her, but she also has no allergies/sensitivities. If she did, it would be something that I would regulate. If she wanted something that everyone else was having, I'd tell her why that wasn't an option and find another appealing option (although nothing is as appealing as what you can't have). If you're going on a sensitivity-hunting expedition, it would be smart to limit visits that offer your sensitivity-suspects until you have it figured out.

Eating out, we always make sure there's a side that she can enjoy (rice, pasta, etc) and she gets her own small meal. If she doesn't eat it, it comes home and goes in her fridge.

HTH!

Edit: I forgot about meals. Meals are pretty relaxed. We put the food out, put a little of everything on her plate, and let her eat what she wants. She's not hungry? She doesn't have to eat. She wants fifths? Fine. The interesting thing about this is that if she's not hungry at dinner, she's not been snacking all day. And if she's starving at dinner, she's been snacking all day. She really does eat what she needs, when she needs it. She eats like a toddler hitting growth spurts and then staying steady for awhile.

Supplement if you're worried.

[captain crunchy]

We don't plan on having "food rules" , as we strive to be consensual in that matter too -- Of course, the exception is if our daughter was seriously allergic to something (like peanuts for instance), we couldn't give that as an option knowing it would send her to the emergency room. Food sensitivities are another matter. I feel that *most* children are very good regulators if they are allowed to be (I said most).

To a certain age we will be making her food choices simply because she cannot verbalize to what what she may want at the grocery store and such. Also, finances are an issue too, so when she does get older, we will have to explain that we have a budget and literally don't have the money to spend $200 a week and so forth --

Barring those things, she is free to eat anything we have in the home except for illegal substances like wine or beer.... we will give her input on what we buy, and I will make her foods she prefers at meals -- provided it is agreeable for the whole family (my husband and I are pretty easy about food)...

Consensual living doesn't mean the child gets everything they want at all times no matter how anyone else feels or thinks. That is where mutually agreeable solutions come in. Solutions that meet the needs and hopefully the wants of all parties involved. We shop mainly at healthfood stores so even the "junk" there is healthier than what most people eat on a daily basis (most of the snack foods don't contain artificial colors or preservatives, or partially hydrogenated oils etc) ... and we would be willing to purchase those foods if our daughter requested -- again, provided we could come to a mutually agreeable solution -- (for example, purchasing $50 worth of snack foods when our food budget for the week is $75 would not be agreeable, feesible, or healthy at all for my husband, myself or our daughter)

I don't see it as an issue. I know people can "what if" all day long and that is inevitably going to happen, but as it stands now, we are really easy about food. No "one more bites" no "you don't get dessert until you eat", no "I already made dinner and if you don't want it you get no food until the next meal", no "you didn't eat your snack so you can't have another one later" ... none of that...

[mollyeilis]

Niamh, that is an amazing idea! Thank you!

We've gone really slow with DS and food, because I am doing everything in my power to keep him from the environmental and food-based allergies and sensitivities that I and DH have. So there's stuff in the fridge that he doesn't yet get, and when he has gotten into the fridge, he just wants to throw all the condiment bottles onto the floor, which I do not appreciate.

So the ice tray with foods idea doesn't work for us, since i'm not willing to go through the process of his tearing apart the fridge.

But THIS idea would work, him having his own fridge! Very very cool. Thanks.

[4evermom]

In my experience with ds (4.5) and not limiting foods, he will not eat an exclusive diet for more than a couple of days. If we haven't had ice cream in a while, he may eat a lot the first day. The second day, he will ask for it a lot, but not actually eat much. He still doesn't like to eat multiple foods at a meal so I just put cut up fruit, or whatever I think would balance out his diet, near him when I think he may be ready for a snack. But if he asks for wheat bread for the third time, I give it to him and know he will likely want something different tomorrow.

[loraxc]

We are actually very, very noncoercive about food, although some might say we are not in that there are many foods that DD does not currently know to exist. (She is two.) That's not because we buy them and hide them, though. We didn't buy cookies or ice cream or potato chips before she was born, and we don't buy them now either.

Anyway, I do cook special meals for her, I guess, but that's because we often eat very odd, spicy, or challenging food that I could not reasonably expect a 2yo to eat. I offer her options--quesadilla or bean soup? Carrots or broccoli? Apple or banana? Would you like some toast? She also can ask for something and we will give it to her; she usually knows about what we have on hand. We just put it on her tray, and then she then eats as much or as little as she chooses, and ask for more or to get down or whatever. She actually eats remarkably well (she loves legumes, whole grains, and fruits and veggies) and although we have given her sweets on occasion, she is uninterested in them. She didn't want her chocolate birthday cake, actually! Time will tell, of course...

The only problem we have run into so far with this is that on occasion, she hardly eats anything at dinner time, out of distraction, and then wakes up and asks for food in the middle of the night. :( This is aggravating to us. We have handled it by being slightly more proactive about encouraging her to eat at dinner, but so much less so than most people do that I don't even think most people would perceive it as anything at all, if that makes sense. (Basically we just offer a few more times and offer a few more options. This is out of the norm since we normally completely follow her lead.)

I certainly hope to continue in this vein as she gets older, but I'm a little nervous about this streak of luck so far. ;)