"You're ok!"

[riversong]

I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if this has already been discussed.

Why do so many parents say "You're ok!" to their dc every time they get hurt? Much of the time the parents don't wait to see if their child really seems hurt. They just jump in and tell them that they're fine. My mom really made me aware of this when she told me a story about a neighbor's child falling off a chair onto the sidewalk. She was bawling after hitting her head and her mom kept insisting loudly that she was fine. Are parents afraid of letting their kids express their pain or fear? Most of the time my dd falls or gets bumped, she's just scared and not hurt, but she needs to express it with 30 seconds of crying. Then she really is ok. I sometimes catch myself starting to say "You're ok," and then I stop myself. I find that it's so much more helpful and respectful to say "That was scary" or just hold her for a few minutes without saying anything.

Does the "you're ok" thing bug anyone else?

[Storm Bride]

Sometimes, it bugs me. But, sometimes, it seems as though it's meant more to reassure the child than to dismiss their feelings. I find myself saying it while I look dd over for bumps/scratches sometimes. If I notice that I'm saying it, I switch to "are you okay", in more-or-less the same soothing tone. I'm certainly not trying to invalidate her feelings...more trying to help her through the "freaked out" stage. It is scary when you hurt yourself.

Mind you...dh sometimes says it to me, and I don't mind it...what he usually really is "you're going to be okay". It's not a dismissal, just a way of offering support.

[Fuamami]

Does the "you're ok" thing bug anyone else?

YES! YES! YES!

I think it's far more respectful to ask, "Are you okay?" I mean, what if your friend or dh or someone else stubbed their toe and said, "Ouch!" Can you imagine telling them, "You're okay, you don't need to cry, you're just fine!"

AND, I think the result of this is that kids feel that they have to play up their injuries lots, lots more in order to get the love and reassurance they need. I have a friend like this, and she's always complaining about her dd being a "drama queen". I want to say, "Well, if you'd let her have some genuine emotions, maybe she wouldn't have to resort to drama!"

[bu's mama]

Yes!

I know part of this stems from never really been taken seriously as a child.

I try not to jump in anymore when dd gets hurt (she's 3.5). I've never really jumped in, but was always available if she needed me. Now if something happens & she's wailing, I ask are you hurt or jsut scared. 95% of the time she says just scared, I comfort her & in a minute or two she's on her way.

I think a lot of the response stems from not taking children seriously.

[Fuamami]

Mind you...dh sometimes says it to me, and I don't mind it...what he usually really is "you're going to be okay". It's not a dismissal, just a way of offering support.

Yeah, this is different. I'm assuming the OP meant the trying-to-get-you-to-stop-crying-and-making-a-scene kind of "You're okay." Am I right?

[bu's mama]

I think that was a record...4 posts in 2 minutes!

[Storm Bride]

Yeah, this is different. I'm assuming the OP meant the trying-to-get-you-to-stop-crying-and-making-a-scene kind of "You're okay." Am I right?
I'm sure you're right. That's what I meant when I said that sometimes it bothers me. It really depends on what it looks like the parent is trying to do, kwim?

[woobysma]

It bugs me sometimes, too, but so does the frantic rush that some parents do to their dc at every little bump or fall. I try to wait and let ds tell ME if he's hurt. Sometimes he'll fall and be fine, sometimes he'll actually be hurt and sometimes he'll fall and scare himself. I wait and follow his lead as to how I should react.
Often, when we're with family or friends, he'll fall and an adult will rush over and actually scare him more by their reaction. I try to use "you're OK" as a reassurance if he is actually OK and just got a little freaked out or scared.
I hate it when parents use it as a dismissal "OH, You're OK :eyesroll "

[johub]

I think there is a difference between a dismissive "You're Ok" such as the falling on the sidewalk and bumping her head thing. And an encouraging/empowering "You're ok" such as when it is truly a light fall or you know that your child is just looking to you for encouragement.
I think of times when my a child falls and doesnt know I have seen them fall, and they happily get up and go on, but if they catch me looking them it is all tears.
Now my kids go about their day and whenthey have a small fall they get up and say "I Okay Mama!" because I think that these words can be used in an empowering way. It might be short for "I know your knee hurts this second, but see how you can still use it, and it isnt even scraped! You sure are strong, you will be just fine."
And it can also be short for "I am not in the mood to handle this so just be quiet". Which I am sure is what we all have seen and object to.

I dont think parents are afraid of letting their kids express their pain or fear.
When I use it I am basically telling my kids that I think they are strong and resilient and arent goign to be stopped by a few small knocks. And I use these words to encourage them to go on with what they are doing.
If they are really hurt I am also still there to kiss any bumps or bruises, real or imagined. (my dd ALWAYS tells me her finger hurts and I kiss it a thousand times a day)
But if my child fell while playing across the room/playground whatever and they are trying to decide if they can continue playing or if they need to come to me for reassurance, I sometimes tell them that they are OK and they dont need me for this one.
Joline

[Storm Bride]

Johub: Thanks. You said what I meant. :thumb

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think it can mean lots of things to different parent/child pairs. So while you, a bystander, hear "don't cry", the child might be hearing the parent saying it to be reassuring. Its one of those areas that its really easy to jump to a conclusion on, but not necessarily get it right!

I also think it might depend on the age of a child, as to what the motivation is and whether it is OK or not. I know that I've been saying it more to my 6 YO DS lately, though the phrase I've been trying to use is "You are OK, there is no need to cry." He really is OK and I can tell that, but he carries on like he's broken every bone in his body when he stubs his toe or something. I wouldn't really care, but he is also starting to get teased alot by his schoolmates for crying and I'm trying to break a cycle with him. I know that I probably shouldn't buy into the "boys shouldn't cry" stereotype, but he has started to say how unhappy he is that he doesn't seem to fit in with the boys in class, and this is one clear thing that makes him stand out.

[JamesMama]

I say "It's okay" but thats more of a "It's okay, mama's here. Mama's got you." rather than dismissing his feelings.

But if it is a light fall and I do KNOW he is perfectly fine I will say "Awww, darn it! That was a crash! You're okay" or something like that. :lol

But I do hate it when I see a child fall and it really looks like it hurt and the parents shout across the room "You're okay" or something rather than checking on their kids or helping calm them down.

[celestialdreamer]

I say "It's okay" but thats more of a "It's okay, mama's here. Mama's got you." rather than dismissing his feelings.

But if it is a light fall and I do KNOW he is perfectly fine I will say "Awww, darn it! That was a crash! You're okay" or something like that. :lol

But I do hate it when I see a child fall and it really looks like it hurt and the parents shout across the room "You're okay" or something rather than checking on their kids or helping calm them down.

:yeah: When I first read this I thought the OP meant just saying it in general. When it looks like my dd might possibly really be hurt, or if she comes to me crying and I don't know why, I wouldn't say 'you're okay'. I do say it if she just has a minor bonk and looks to me to see my reaction or if she's crying from teething or something as kind of a reassurance (NOT to just make her be quiet).

[riversong]

I'm assuming the OP meant the trying-to-get-you-to-stop-crying-and-making-a-scene kind of "You're okay." Am I right?

Yes, that's what I meant. I guess you can say "You're ok" with different intentions behind it. I'm mostly thinking about people saying it dismissively to toddlers.

I can picture myself saying it in a reassuring way to one of my 1st grade students who cries frequently over little problems on the playground. I feel for you, Evan&Anna's mom, not wanting your son to get picked on for crying.

[The4OfUs]

I guess I fall into the "are you OK?" category, when it is more than just a little bonk (when it's a small bonk, I usually just say, "oops! careful!" or something like that)....but if he really hurts himself and comes to me for kisses and hugs, I'll say into his ear "It's all right" or "it's OK", as a PP said, meaning more "it's OK to cry, it will be ok in a little bit, I'm here for you".

DS, has picked up on me asking him if he's OK when he falls, cause now sometimes he plays a game where he "booms" (sit/falls onto his butt) and then turns to me and says, "K!", and I say, "I'm glad you're OK!" :lol

[Lizzo]

I often wonder this. However everytime I come to this conclusion. When DS falls, I wait to see his reaction, sometimes he's cool, sometimes he's stunned and then cries and sometimes he cries immediatley. I pick him up the second he cries. And I "inspect" him for wounds, although almost always it sound worse than it was. I hold him and reassure him 'It's OK, sweet baby. that must have hurt/scared you/ that sounded scary'. I never tell him not to cry, I let him cry, I hold him, if he wants to nurse, he does. Usually after a breif cuddle, he's back crawling around.
I think it depends where the "you're OK" is coming from.
I know that I am reassuring him, DS knows I am reassuring him, not downplaying, not brushing off. As long as we both know, then that's fine by us! :thumb

[TortelliniMama]

I'll say, "I think you're going to be okay," as a reassurance sometimes when ds is crying as a result of a fall or whatever, or "Are you okay?" if ds hasn't quite made up his own mind about it yet. :) "You're okay," does bug me, because it's frequently used in a way that totally dismisses that the child might have a different perspective on the situation than the parent. It might have hurt more than it looked like it did, or the child might be crying because he/she was scared by whatever happened. When I've heard it used, it's generally seemed like a way of saying, "I don't see any reason you should be crying, so don't." I can see how it could have a different meaning within a specific parent-child relationship, and it certainly sounds like some PPs use it in a way that's comforting rather than telling a child to just be quiet and happy, but I've never personally seen it used in a way that didn't seem dismissive of the child (since, if the child doesn't stop crying, the parent either says to stop crying or just ignores the child).

Oh, and, "It's okay," feels different to me, because it seems more like you're reassuring the child that you and he/she are capable of handling the situation, even if it's hard/painful right now.

[Piglet68]

This was one of the very first issues that got me thinking about GD.

When I was little and would hurt myself, my Dad would try to make me feel better by cracking jokes to make me laugh. Like if I bumped my head on the coffee table he'd say in a comic voice "Oh look! You broke the coffee table!". It wasn't funny and it made me feel very dismissmed and invalidated. All I wanted was some hugs. So validating is really important to me.

Johub raised the scenario of kids who fall and, if no parent is around, simply get up and go on with it, but if the parent is there then they dissolve into tears. The general interpretation of this (and I don't think this is johub's, btw) is that the child is actually just fine and is only playing up their emotions to get a response from the adult. This then seems to pressure the adult into telling the child they are okay, to teach them some sort of lesson about being...well, I dunno..."sucky" is the word that comes to mind. Maybe even a "sissy". After all, we don't seem to look kindly on a child who would cry only when mama is around to see the fall, but doesn't cry when they are unobserved.

I think it's just fine if my kid wants to play it up a bit. I know when I'm stressed out, little bumps and bruises can dissolve me into tears. Ditto when I'm tired. So maybe when my kid bawls after falling, it may not be that the child was really all that hurt, but I'm gonna give them hugs anyways and I'm not going to tell them they are fine or okay. I will ask them if they are okay. I'll give encouragement, too. But I won't say "oh, you're okay!".

[It's me!]

I haven't gotten to read all the posts, but I wanted to say....don't judge the parents too harshly. :o I have been known to say that to my son when he was younger. YOu see, my son was totally freaked out by blood. Even a small scratch that wasn't really bleeding, but looked red...he saw blood. And he would FREAK OUT! I often (while inspecting him) would say "it's okay baby, your okay" ect. It wasn't good enough to say "it will be okay" or "are you okay?" because that didn't cut it for him. He HAD to have Mama tell him he was okay, so he knew he was okay (and not dying LOL). I would also tell him if it was bleeding or not (didn't lie and tell him it wasn't when he was) but if it was bleeding, I tried desprately not to let him see it and I would tell him exactly how much or little it was so he could still know but not totally freak. If he saw the blood or if I didn't tell him he was okay, it would be hard for me to even look him over because he would be in such a state of panick.

He's 8 now and stuff doesn't bother him nearly as much, and I didn't have this with my DD. :thumb

[lilyka]

I say it sometimes. Often my chidlren cry because they fell. not because they are hurt. telling them they are OK reassures them that indeed there is not blood, no petruding bones, no cracked heads. . .i do check first to make sure they are OK.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I often catch myself immediately saying, "you're okay" after a fall or a bump or something. It didn't feel right to me to automatically say that. I thought about it for a while and realized that I was saying it to reassure MYSELF. I am anxious when she gets hurt.

[alegna]

It bugs me as an automatic response. I understand the reasoning behind it, but I think it's often faulty. On really minor stuff, I often don't say anything- or a plain- oops! you fell didn't you? When I'm not sure if she's hurt I go for the- bump! you fell down, are you okay? Then if she IS hurt I try to put it in words for her (only 18 months...) Ouch! you hit your head didn't you? I bet that hurts, would you like a hug?

-Angela

[angela&avery]

I say it all the time!! ..... While Im holding, hugging and saying other things. "Oh, honey, you're ok, that was scary, huh?...... that must have hurt..." etc etc....

I have a hard enough time controlling my anger impulses and yelling, which is getting better and better, i cant see analysing saying, "you're ok" to my dc. I love them, im reassuring them, it works for us, and thats all that matters.

[Fuamami]

I think it's just fine if my kid wants to play it up a bit. I know when I'm stressed out, little bumps and bruises can dissolve me into tears. Ditto when I'm tired. So maybe when my kid bawls after falling, it may not be that the child was really all that hurt, but I'm gonna give them hugs anyways and I'm not going to tell them they are fine or okay.

Yeah, I agree. Sometimes kids just see their moms, they feel a little stressed, and they want some love.

My SIL almost NEVER comforts her children. When her son, who is 4.5, hurts himself and cries, she says, "Oh, you're fine, that didn't hurt." And if it looks like it really probably did hurt, she says, "You're okay, stop crying, you'll be fine." I think this is much different than the mothers here who are saying, "You're okay," to reassure their children that they are.

[blessed]

Sure, I do it too. When baby falls or what have you, one of the first things she does is look over at me with this questioning look, like 'gosh, what just happened? Am I okay, mom?'

If it was clearly just a startle, I reassure her and she is comforted by knowing that I'm watching out for her. If it looks like a genuine booboo, I check her over and soothe her.

Usually my language is a bit different when I think she's really in some pain. Instead of 'I saw that! You're okay! Don't worry!', I'll say 'Gee, I think you're okay. What do you think?' Sometimes she'll say 'No!' and point to her injured spot, looking for more comforting. When she's adequately recovered she'll nod yes - she's okay - and go on her way.

I see my hubby do this dismissive thing that some of you mention, so I know what you mean. For example, last night while changing her into pajamas he forgot to unzip the collar of her pullover. It was too tight to slide over her head, plus the zipper was scraping her chin while he was trying to pull it off.

She started screaming and I rushed over and saw what the problem was. My response in that type of situation is complete empathy and apology: 'oh honey! I'm so sorry! I didn't unzip your shirt and it was scratching your chin! I'm going to be very, very careful so that never happens again. Are you okay?'

Papa however does his usual 'distraction' technique: 'look! Look! See the dolly!' :duh Puhleeze, like she's buying that? I told him 'honey, you have to apologize to her. You hurt her. She's not stupid, she's knows what just happened.' (In fact, she was actually crying out 'zipper! zipper!' when he was pulling on her shirt). But he just doesn't get it :( .

[Yooper]

I do not really like that phrase. When dd falls or hurts herself I say the same that I would to anyone that fell or hurt themselves. "Are you OK?" If it is obviousy painful or serious I skip even that and just ask how I can help or where is hurts. We have friends that have a dc about a year younger than ours that we are with a great deal. They get sort of mad at me when I ask their dc if she is OK after a fall. They do not want her "milking" them and they want their dc to suck it up. I cannot seem to help myself. it is an automatic response to anyone that I see that has an accident. I have not found dd to be more "milky" than other children. In fact, it still seems validating to her. She likes to be able to say "yes, I'm OK." And if she wants to "milk" (which is quite rare) it I am totally OK with that. Sometimes I feel a need to "milk" it too:)

[captain crunchy]

Oh man I have to say I cannot stand it when parents do that!! I do try to put it in perspective when I observe that the parent is really using shorthand for "I'm here, it will be all right" ... but I really don't care for the "you're okay" bit at all. My husband does that occasionally and it irks me -- I know he is not being dismissive, but rather trying to soothe our daughter so I try not to be too judgemental about it with him.

I usually say "what happened? Are you all right?" as I think most parents can decipher the "my toy isn't performing the way I want it to" cry from the "holy crap I split my head open" cry... so in the former -- I may say something like "aw, what happened? Are you all right? Do you need mama's help?" then attempt to help her and soothe her if she desires...

Of course with the more serious cries, I of course check her over to make sure nothing is seriously wrong then I hold her and tell her "mama's here...that hurt didn't it" or whatever...and empathize. Sometimes when she stops crying I will ask her "do you feel better honey?" or something...


Our daughter is still too young yet, but I remember reading somewhere a mama (maybe it was here?) who says to her verbal children who are crying --- "does your body hurt or are your feelings hurt?" in a gentle way to determine (immediately) what is going on...because some injuries are internal (head injuries, bruises that haven't showed up yet etc) and it helps determine the course of action. Of course along with getting hurt physically (a scraped knee etc) sometimes the child's feelings are hurt too and of course that is worthy of addressing... but I like the idea of giving it a name when the child comes to you crying and not saying anything right away.

[johub]

"does your body hurt or are your feelings hurt?" in a gentle way to determine (immediately) what is going on...because some injuries are internal (head injuries, bruises that haven't showed up yet etc) and it helps determine the course of action. Of course along with getting hurt physically (a scraped knee etc) sometimes the child's feelings are hurt too and of course that is worthy of addressing... but I like the idea of giving it a name when the child comes to you crying and not saying anything right away.

I do something like this. I usually ask "Are you hurt or are you scared?" (that is of course if I saw them hurt themselves, if they are crying with no apparent hurt I ask more like, "are you angry? Are you sad?" That type of thing.
And now that my youngest are 2y4m they answer pretty clearly. "Im scared" or "I hurt my elmo" (elbow)
Joline

[CelticMomma]

I say it sometimes. Often my chidlren cry because they fell. not because they are hurt. telling them they are OK reassures them that indeed there is not blood, no petruding bones, no cracked heads. . .i do check first to make sure they are OK.

:thumb I have the same experience with my four year old. She is so terrified of blood that if she falls, she gets this frightened look on her face while she waits for me to find the blood. She won't look at her injured area for fear she'd see it. So, I automatically asses her and reasure "You're okay!" as if to say "There's no blood". Maybe that's what I really should say. I'll have to think about that.

[TortelliniMama]

:thumb I have the same experience with my four year old. She is so terrified of blood that if she falls, she gets this frightened look on her face while she waits for me to find the blood. She won't look at her injured area for fear she'd see it. So, I automatically asses her and reasure "You're okay!" as if to say "There's no blood". Maybe that's what I really should say. I'll have to think about that.
Even though I'm one of the people who frequently end up wincing at "You're okay" (as I generally see it used IRL), I see a big difference between using it informationally, like you are, and using it to try to persuade a child to not be upset because you don't see any reason for her to be, which is how I see it used IRL. Plus, depending on your dd, I could see it being difficult for her to always hear the "no" in "There's no blood." Just the mention of blood could conceivably upset her further, depending on how worried about it she is.

[CelticMomma]

Plus, depending on your dd, I could see it being difficult for her to always hear the "no" in "There's no blood." Just the mention of blood could conceivably upset her further, depending on how worried about it she is.

Funny you posted this. I've been thinking about it all day. Why DO I say "You're okay"? It's because anything else involves the use of the word BLOOD which would be doubly upsetting.

I do think I use the phrase fairly frequently. When she bangs herself up, as she is wont to do because she's a four year old and extremely silly, I find myself calling out "You're okay!" as I'm running to her. I still don't know if she's broken a bone or is bruised or hurt in some other way, but because there's no artery that has sprung a hefty leak, "You're okay!" springs out of my mouth.

I wonder if people observe me and think I'm squelching her feelings? It certainly could happen. Without knowing how upset my daughter is if she sees a droplet of blood, that would be an easy conclusion to come to.

Anyway, that's *my* reason for using the phrase, and I think I'll probably keep using it. It does help her feel better. But, I also think I'll listen to myself and make sure I use it wisely after thinking about this. :)

[Storm Bride]

It's funny. After posting in this thread, I started thinking about it, and I actually use "you're okay" very rarely. I tend to say "it's okay"...very subtle difference, I think. But, I'm glad I say "it's okay", as I think it carries more of a "the situation is fixable" vibe than a "you're over-reacting vibe". Either way, the comment is said soothingly, while I hug her, pat her hair, dry her tears, etc...dd is always welcome to sob into my shoulder over the day-to-day obstacles and heartbreaks that life carries with it. Who am I to tell her that dropping her apple is no big deal? I've collapsed in tears over dropping a spoon!...(straw that broke the camel's back syndrome).

[Hazelnut]

I think it has its place as a reassurance, as pps have mentioned, and I've used it. But it seems to be used automatically so often with such invalidating consequences, that I catch myself saying it a lot and try to come up with something, anything, alternative.
Once when another toddler pushed my toddler right off a mat, he landed on his back on the floor and wasn't crying, but looked hurt and shocked. Naturally I ran over and was comforting him, and she said "oh you're OK." Seeing someone else saying "you're OK" to my child when he clearly wasn't not only infuriated me, but really exposed how dismissive it can be.

[cheery]

while we're having fun talking about what ALL Those Other Parents do,
what about those who actually tell kids not to cry. Well if it's their own kids then I feel sorry for the kids but what if they are telling MY KID not to cry. I get realy bent out of shape on this one. Recently I have moved next door to a friend of mine and we and our kids interact a lot. She is a very gentle person but has never heard of GD and she does all theusual things that we all throw fits about/ and she was telling my dd, 'dont cry i dont like to see you cry' finally i had to say very sweetly, oh it is good to express ... it is really a challenge to 'correct' someone IRL who is dealing with your kid in ways that you think your kid is not old enough to filter out.

[writermommy]

This was one of the very first issues that got me thinking about GD.



Johub raised the scenario of kids who fall and, if no parent is around, simply get up and go on with it, but if the parent is there then they dissolve into tears. The general interpretation of this (and I don't think this is johub's, btw) is that the child is actually just fine and is only playing up their emotions to get a response from the adult. This then seems to pressure the adult into telling the child they are okay, to teach them some sort of lesson about being...well, I dunno..."sucky" is the word that comes to mind. Maybe even a "sissy". After all, we don't seem to look kindly on a child who would cry only when mama is around to see the fall, but doesn't cry when they are unobserved.




I look at this a little differently. From my own observations, I think some children cry when mom is looking as a reaction to mom's reaction. Like if mom sees the baby fall and gets upset/scared/nervous. The child sees moms expression, senses her fear and begins to cry. Not in a manipulative or attention getting way, but because her reaction is scary or over the top. If this situation happens every time the child falls, the child's reaction can become habitual. OTOH, if mom is not looking or very calm in her reaction, the child would be less likely to cry.

I have a friend who does this with her dd. For every very slight injury, she becomes unglued and makes a HUGE deal out of it. I mean a tiny scrape gets a bandage about 5 times the size of the scrape. Her dd screams and cries at every little bump and she is getting way to old for it. (5th grade!!) The drama from a single scrape can last an hour. Knowing her from birth, the reaction seems habitual and often forced, rather than genuine. Definitely feeding off mom's reaction.

If mine fall, I hug them and check to see that they are, in fact, OK. If not, we tend to the injury with ice, bandaids whatever. If there is no injury, I'll hug them and say "It'll be all right." or "That was scary, wasn't it?" or even "It's ok" to calm them while I am cuddling or hugging them. For the most part, my youngest brushes herself off and tells me "I'm ok mommy" and continues playing. I think she learned that from a calm, yet reassuring reaction from dh and I over her three years of life.

Oh, and we NEVER tell our children not to cry. If they are crying, there's a reason for it. Being scared is as valid a reason as being injured. I don't like when parents do that. I'm sure most mean well, but it feels disrespectful to my child. I wouldn't want them to grow up thinking it's not healthy to express feelings.

[Orion'smommy]

The book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, addresses the specific issue of saying, "It's okay" to children. In Chapter 1 the author explains that to communicate with a child a parent needs to:

1. Listen with full attention.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word—“Oh”…”Mmm”…”I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name.
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

Although my son is only 4 months old I try to use these techniques to develop good habits in communication. When he cries for hunger, I try not to say, “It’s okay.” Instead I will tell him, “I understand you are hungry, mommy is about to feed you.”

I found the book to be extremely helpful already; I would highly recommend it to all!

[jenniey]

"I hurt my elmo" (elbow)
laughup
... i once spent about 10 minutes trying to find an old tickle me elmo doll in our house because the then 17 month old kept saying, "i taint find me elmo." thank goodness his older bro was there to explain it to me. please don't ask why he was so concerned with not knowing his shoulder from his elbow.

[Momtotwo2004]

This is something that we don't say with our children. Our reasoning is that *we* don't know if they're ok! We're not them. And the reassuring aspect of it is not reassuring to me. I can reassure with comments like, "Mom's with you." We prefer to ask them if they're ok or empathize with them instead.

My mother will often tell my 19 month old "You're ok. Stop crying. There's no need to cry." Now, this is done in a gentle tone without any outright dissmissiveness to it. But regardless, it IS dissmissive and tells DD how to feel. When she does this, I gently speak up and say, "It's ok to cry. You're feeling sad (hurt, angry, etc.)" My mom still doesn't get it.

A great story related to this is when a friends 2-year old fell off his chair. He was crying but not physically hurt. Just frightened, possibly embarrassed, etc. I went to him and scooped him up when no one else responded. He was getting only, "You're ok. Get up." When I held him, another mom said, "He's fine! He's not even hurt!" I responded, "But he's frightened and that's just as upsetting as physical pain." I honestly saw a light go on in her eyes and after a second she said, "You're right!" What a great moment.