Do you think of yourself as a friend to dc?

[mykdsmomy]

I am wondering if this is all part of the gd spectrum or not. I remember as I was growing up my mom telling me on more than one occasion that she is NOT my friend, she is my mother. Do you all strive to be your child's "friend" or is there a distinct line between parent and child? I wanted to ask this question in this forum because I wanted to see what the gd parents think? I hope that makes sense :)

[captain crunchy]

Well, our daughter is only 8 months nearly, so take it for what it is worth!

I do want to be my daughter's friend. I don't mean the kind you see on Jerry Springer where I am buying her pot at 14 and taking her to clubs where she hooks up with random men type friend.

I mean more of the relationship where she feels she can talk openly to me without judgement or punishment, where she feels comfortable coming to me if she has questions about life or her body or boys (or girls) and where she knows I will not lecture her or judge or punish her for her feelings and beliefs and wants and dreams... I want her to feel safe coming to me with problems and feel secure in knowing that I will help her if she is in trouble or needs advice or help...

... on the flip side, I want her to know she is welcome to her privacy too and that I don't feel entitled to know every aspect of her life because I am her mother.

That having been said, I do think peer relationships are important, so I don't want her to feel like I have to be her best friend or even be offended if I weren't the most important person to her... I don't want a situation where she feels pressured to *be there for me* as my friend because I have always been her mother and have no other identity other than that ya know? I have seen situations where 30 year old women live with their mothers (who are still healthy and such) because they don't want their mom to be alone and as a result, are not free to pursue any kind of life for themselves... I don't want to put that on my daughter at all.

[maya44]

Nope. Friendship just does not cut it. I think I owe her ALOT more than I would owe a friend. And I think she owes me alot less than she would owe a friend.

There are characteristics that make up a fiendship that I hope to include in ther parent-child relationship, but to me the relationships are simply different.

[royaloakmi]

I am not my children's friend; I am their mother.

As they grow, I believe that part of my role is to set and help them explore age appropriate boundaries. I don't think that is part of a role of a friend.

However, I hope that our attachment will endure and develop as they age so that we continue to have an open relationship that is filled with love, free of judgement and mutally respectful. Those ARE qualities of friendship I suppose.

I hope if I do my job right (or even partially right), they will develop into human beings that are capable of making and maintaining nurturing relationships with many other people - people who can be their friends.

[allgirls]

I am their mother, their biggest advocate, the one who loves them no matter what, unconditionally even if we have totally different views, ideas, talents and nothing in common. It's a totally different relationship that includes friendship as part of the deal but encompasses so much more.

and I do not expect them to be my friend though..I have other people who take care of that need for me. But I would like to share common interests and talk about things in a friendly way.

I think that's kind of a problem with my oldest dd..she treats me like I am one of her friends and I am not. I am her mother. I find it really hard to be interested in what Fifty Cent is saying in his latest rap song. I try to get interested. I really do but I really don't like "fitty" or "G-Unit" though I love Eminem :o

That's what friends are..people you choose to be with because you have things in common with them. While I am iterested in my children's life I do not have a lot in common with them. I encourage them to make those relationships with their peers.

[captain crunchy]

Weird. I read through the responses and I wonder what kind of friends some of you have. My (close) friends would die for me, they listen to me, I listen to them, they help me, I help them, they are there for me to advise me, I am there to advise them when they want it. They would loan me money or the shirt off their back, and I the same. They don't judge me, or lecture me, are honest with me and support me -- but would also feel comfortable and honest enough to tell me when they disagree....oh and so much more...

So I guess I can't understand when some people say "I am not their friend!!" with such, I don't know, distain or something...as if it is so much *lesser* than a mother... there were tons of times in my life I was closer to my friends than my mother... and still am in some respects -- partly probably because my mom wa sin the "I am not your friend I am your mother" camp... which closed off a lot of communication (imo)...

[Llyra]

To me, friendship is a more limited relationship. If one of my friends backstabbed or betrayed me in some serious way, or if I and one of my friends completely stopped enjoying each other's company, I would probably drop the friendship. Friends grow apart, for instance. To me, friendship is a mutual thing, and when it's no longer mutual then it's over.

My relationship with my family is not conditional like that. They are my family for the rest of my life, and no matter what passes between us they will always be my family.

And as unconditional as my relationship to my family is, my relationship to my own child is ten times as unconditional.

That to me is the essential difference.

Also, I know there are plenty of times where I will have to go against my daughter's wishes, do something that is good for her but that she will not necessarily like or welcome. I wouldn't do that to a friend-- it's not my job to shape my friends' characters or teach my friends how to function in civilized society. In other words, it's not my job to discipline my friends. It is my job to discipline my child.

That's another big difference.

Also, my friends may be my friends for the rest of my life. But my relationship with my child will change so much-- parenting is a long process of gradually letting go.

I would hope that when my daughter is an independent adult, we will have a relationship very like friendship. But not while she's still a child.

[Jish]

My mother was always much more of a friend to me. In my dysfunctional family, there was almost a reversal of rolls with me as much more of the parenting roll than my mother. I found it really hard to take her seriously as a parent when she wanted to go from friend to parent. It was alright when I was a kid, I guess, but I would have preferred a less dysfunctional family dynamic.

When my mom got married (My dh and I were engaged at the time and in our mid 20's) she decided that she wanted to fill the mothering roll again. It has caused a huge rift in our relationship that has taken more than 10 years to begin to heal and we have a long way to go.

I personally hope that my children will see me as a friend and a parent. I believe that it is my job to guide them as they grow into adults, and that may sometimes mean that I will be much more of a parent, but at the same time I want them to know that I am always there for them no matter what they need or the choices they make. Love should be unconditional in a parent/child relationship.

[maya44]

To me, friendship is a more limited relationship. If one of my friends backstabbed or betrayed me in some serious way, or if I and one of my friends completely stopped enjoying each other's company, I would probably drop the friendship. Friends grow apart, for instance. To me, friendship is a mutual thing, and when it's no longer mutual then it's over.

My relationship with my family is not conditional like that. They are my family for the rest of my life, and no matter what passes between us they will always be my family.

And as unconditional as my relationship to my family is, my relationship to my own child is ten times as unconditional.

That to me is the essential difference.

Also, I know there are plenty of times where I will have to go against my daughter's wishes, do something that is good for her but that she will not necessarily like or welcome. I wouldn't do that to a friend-- it's not my job to shape my friends' characters or teach my friends how to function in civilized society. In other words, it's not my job to discipline my friends. It is my job to discipline my child.

That's another big difference.

Also, my friends may be my friends for the rest of my life. But my relationship with my child will change so much-- parenting is a long process of gradually letting go.

I would hope that when my daughter is an independent adult, we will have a relationship very like friendship. But not while she's still a child.

WONDERFULLY, WONDERFULLY, WONDERFULLY PUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is why those of us who do not think the parent-child relationship) is a "friendship" do not consider it so.

CaptainCrunch said her friends would die for her. I am willing to die for my children but I never would want them to do the same.

Of course your friends should support you and listen to you, but if they stop you may choose to move on. My children, when they are children, do not have the job of doing these things. And even if they did, I would not love them any less if they failed in these tasks.

I do not disdain the idea of "friendship" its just that with my children it is a totally and completely inadequate concept for what our my duties as well as my feelings for them.

[Piglet68]

:yeah:

[johub]

I also do not intend to be my child's friend. Being a Mother is so much more, although it incorporates all of the good qualities of a friend it is so much above and beyond what a friend is.

[captain crunchy]

I don't understand why it has to be an either/or situation...either I am her mother or her friend -- is there no room for both?

I strive to be both to our daughter...if I am *just* her friend, then there are some issues such as the pp's pointed out... but being *only* her mother seems to create a dynamic of inequality to me...a trump card if you will. I don't want to pull that trump card... the whole... "because I said so.. I am your mother!"

[Llyra]

Well honestly, even after everything I said in my other post, I think it boils down to one thing, and that's a thing that we have major, major ideological differences about here. We're never gonna agree, no matter how many times we hash it out in one thread after another. I'm gonna say my piece, though. Don't ask me why-- maybe I'm just a sucker for punishment.

I do not believe that I have any right to be an authority over my friend. If my friend embarked on something truly dangerous or truly morally wrong, I would of course endeavor to convince him/her to stop the course of action. Friends do that for each other. But at some point, if the friend persisted, I would have to say, "okay, fine, it's your life." Any power I have over my friend's behavior is the result of our mutual respect and regard for one another-- in the end I have no power over her behavior.

I do believe that I have the right and responsiblity to be an authority in my child's life, and if my child (while still a child) intended something dangerous or morally wrong, I would do everything in my power to stop that child. I would of course try to draw on our mutual respect and trust to influence my child, but if that didn't work, and I judged the moral or physical danger to be serious enough, I wouldn't hesitate to invoke the power of my authority as an adult and a parent. This includes, where absolutely necessary and where no other option will serve, the use of coercion or force.

Parenting to me is a hierchical relationship. A benevolent one, to be sure, and one with room for individuality and mutual respect and negotiation, but still a hierarchy. In the end, she is dependent on me, and that gives me an authority that really doesn't disturb me at all. I am not afraid that I will abuse that power, and I do not fear that my child will be emotionally damaged in any way because of my willingness to assume an authoritate position when I deem it necessary for her well-being.

Friendship is based on "liking" each other-- on mutual regard, on enjoying one another's company, etc. I do of course hope for that kind of positive connection with my child. If that's what you mean when you talk about being a friend as well as a parent, well sure. But what I mean when I say I don't want to be her friend, is that she's not always going to "like" me or like what I say or do. That doesn't bother me. It's my responsiblity to teach her what she needs to know to be a happy, successful, productive, ethical adult. It is not my responsibility to make sure she always likes me.

In other words, I may someday find myself saying "because I said so," and I have no ideological problem with that.

[captain crunchy]

I don't always like my friends. True friendship ebbs and flows. There have been times where my friends and I haven't always agreed, and times when we have been so angry with eachother that we needed a break of sorts. I have a very close friend who shares hardly any similar interests with me anymore, but we have been best friends for 15 years and she is family to me... I don't need to like the same bands she likes to be her best friend.

In as much as you don't agree with me, I feel the same and that is okay. I don't strive to be a "benevolent ruler" . Just because someone is dependent on me, doesn't give me control to decide for them what is "morally right". Loving and providing and protecting someone doesn't give someone authority. My husband supports our family financially. In a way I am very "dependent" on him financially, and even emotionally to a degree because he is my best friend and number one supporter --- he has no control over me.

It amazes me sometimes the level of control parents *think* they have over their children to stop them from doing things that are "wrong." Some day, sooner than anyone realizes, that toddler that you can control is going to become a teenager that you can't.

I would rather already have a solid 14 or so years under our belts of consensual living and a relationship that doesn't have a dynamic of control where our child (ren) know our relationship is based on mutual respect, and not force.

ETA: ... and I never understood the idea that we can "make" ethical adults by control.

[johub]

I don't always like my friends. True friendship ebbs and flows..

Yeah, I will always be a mom to my child. It will not ebb or flow. And my love will never subside.
Friendship isnt always like that.

And as for either/or. Well, I just think that the two relationships overlap in some ways but are not the same and there are many things about friendship that I do not wish to model in my relationships with my children, the above quote is one example.
I do always strive to keep our mother/child relationship on friendly terms, but we are more than friends.

[The4OfUs]

To me, being a mother includes *aspects* of being a friend, but it's much more than that.

Call me a bad friend :lol , but I wouldn't die for my friends...I would throw myself in front of a bullet for my child or my husband, though.

I want to have the closeness and trust of a 'friendship' with my children, but I do not want to burden them with my own personal issues...that's not a boundary I'm comfortable crossing. Not to say that I wouldn't let them know if I was sad, or mad, or whatever, but I wouldn't feel comfortable "dumping" on them like I do my peers if I have something going on I need to work through.

I feel like I "owe" my child more than I do my friends, and also because of my core beliefs (which a PP mentioned I don't think we'll all ever agree on), I also feel more responsible for my children's well being than I do my friends.

So yeah, there will hopefully be similarities between the relationships I have with my friends and the ones I have with my children, but to me being their mother is so much more than that...some of it better, some of it worse...but in the end, much deeper and more special than any friendship could ever be.

[irinam]

If the question is "are you ONLY a friend" to your dc, then no, I am not ONLY a friend. If the question is " are you a friend to your dc among other things" then yes I consider myself their friend as well as many other things I am to them and they are to me. I would like to believe they think that too.

I also think the definition of friendship differs greatly. Some people call casual aquintences (sp?) friends. I don't. Friends also come in different shapes and sizes. I can have a 10yo friend. I can have a 70yo friend. Would our friendship be different? You bet. Similary my friendship with my kids.

With some friends we (among other things) go partying and drinking. Would I do it with my kids? No. Would I do it with a 10yo friend? No.

With some friends we ski black diamond in Taho. Would I do it with a 70yo friend? Probably not (though depends!) Would I go with my kids? DS yes. DD not yet.

So in short, I don't think being their mother excludes me from being their friend.

[JillChristina]

So in short, I don't think being their mother excludes me from being their friend.

:yeah:

I know I am my dd's friend because she tells me I am. :love But that doesn't mean I take my role as her mother any more lightly. I'm sure our friendship will wax and wane but I'll always be her mom. Hopefully when all is said and done, I will get to be mother and friend to my children.

Jill

[Soundhunter]

I consider Emma my buddy, we spend all day every day together, so, we are buddies.

But, she is not in the same realm as my friends, for many reasons listed beautifully by others, but I'll add something.

I talk to my FRIENDS about personal problems and issues that I will not talk to Emma about. I talk to my friends about my sex life, my occasional marital struggles, money worries etc. Everyone that I know, young and old, is really discomforted when their parents discuss their own personal problems this deeply with them, which to me, illustrates another difference. I don't think children want to be considered friends by their parents, if it means leaning on their children the way they lean on their friends. I don't lean on Emma when I'm emotionally troubled, I think it would be really poor mothering to do so, for that, I go to my friends. Friends are there to be burdened on when needed, our children are not.

To me, there is a difference. Me and Emma are buddies, I am her mother, she is my daughter, we really enjoy each other's company, have lots of inside jokes and other friendly type things, but we do not lean on each other the way friends do. (maya, guess you where kinda saying this too) Emma does lean on me this way now while she is little, and our relationship is a model for her about human relationships in general can be including friendships, but once she is older, I expect that she will want to lean on her friends with things she would not want to lean on me for. Already, she is stoked when she can corner one of our family friends all to herself and have them as "her" friend, and she behaves much differently with them than with us!

Also, there is no question in my mind that family and friends are different categories of relationships. I'm basing this on the healthy, close families of multiple generations that I know (not my own). Emil and I are modelling our family on the healthy, balanced, happy families that we know, none of which are radical consensual living non coercive families, all of which are very close, loving, good people whose lifestyles and family values we have respect enough for to want to emulate as much as this works with our own personal family dynamics. And in these families we choose to model, the members do not consider their friends to be on par, or of higher value than their parents, the opposite would be true (other than a normal phase in the teenage years) I don't think being friends with children is a necessary part of having a close loving and healthy family.

[irinam]

Rachel, I totally see what you are saying, however I could not help but smile because sometimes I *do* lean on DS emotionaly, just like he leans on me and we help each other! I think not seeing me as a martyr, but as a human actually helps him open up to me when he needs a shoulder to lean on.

Yes, I would "save" some issues for other friends (like if I had a sex issue I needed to discuss, I would probably call on my best girlfriend that is similar in age to me and not onother gender, age-group friend - because that is what *I* am comfortable with), but I don't think there is anything wrong with your kids helping you emotionally.

[The4OfUs]

Rachel, I totally see what you are saying, however I could not help but smile because sometimes I *do* lean on DS emotionaly, just like he leans on me and we help each other! I think not seeing me as a martyr, but as a human actually helps him open up to me when he needs a shoulder to lean on.
I was another who said I wouldn't 'burden' my children with my problems...not because I'm a martyr, but because I don't think a child should have to worry about the complexities and depth of adult issues...as I said before, I wouldn't shield my children form my emotions, I have no problem letting them know if I'm sad, mad, worried, whatever, but I woulnd't 'dump' on them with all the details, and look for support from them like I would with a friend.

If I gave them a brief age appropriate explanation about what was going on with me, and they gave me a hug and said they were sorry or they hoped I felt better soon, that would be wonderful...and if they didn't want to discuss it with me any further, that would be fine, too....I wouldn't expect them to support me that way. I would, however, be a little hurt if I poured my heart out to a friend and they 'brushed me off'.

It makes me think of my mom, when she had breast cancer when I was 14. We talked, and I gave her hugs and support, and I knew how hard it was on her, and we talked about both of us being scared, but she didn't 'dump' on me like she did with her sister and my dad....and I honestly thank her for it - I don't know if I could have handled her fallign apart in front of me, which I knew she did with others. She didn't hide the basic facts from me, or her basic emotions, but she didn't put more 'on' me than she thought I could handle at my age...and I am glad she didn't. My mom and I are now about as close as any mother-daughter I know, closer to the friendships I have with my other friends, as adults, so clearly she did something right in her discretion when I was younger.

[irinam]

I agree donosmommy04 and I too say in my post that ANY friendship should be age approppriate.

But OP's question did not specify kids to be certain age either and as I said what that what I do with my 5.5 yers old is different then what I do with my 18.5 year old. I do not see me responding to his desire to help me emotionally as "burdening " him. Neither in me helping him emotionally is "burdening" me.

Like he physically helps us move the furniture for example. It will not be age appropriate for my 5 years old. But trust me, just fine with my 18 year old. And I don't see it as "burdening" nim.

I will not expect him just to move EVERYTHING and me and DH sit back and watch. Similary I do not expect him to get me through ALL of my emotional issues without me doing most of it myself, DH's help, other friends, etc.

By the way,a question for those who answered "no friendship" - do you see yourself being friends with different age group? If so, how much older/younger? Hope you don't mind answering :)

[The4OfUs]

I agree donosmommy04 and I too say in my post that ANY friendship should be age approppriate.

But OP's question did not specify kids to be certain age either and as I said what that what I do with my 5.5 yers old is different then what I do with my 18.5 year old. I do not see me responding to his desire to help me emotionally as "burdening " him. Neither in me helping him emotionally is "burdening" me.

Like he physically helps us move the furniture for example. It will not be age appropriate for my 5 years old. But trust me, just fine with my 18 year old. And I don't see it as "burdening" nim.

I will not expect him just to move EVERYTHING and me and DH sit back and watch. Similary I do not expect him to get me through ALL of my emotional issues without me doing most of it myself, DH's help, other friends, etc.

By the way,a question for those who answered "no friendship" - do you see yourself being friends with different age group? If so, how much older/younger? Hope you don't mind answering :)
You know, irinam, I think we may be getting into another case of 'we're probably saying the same thing, just with different words' :thumb Someone on that non-negotiable thread said only those of us who share 90% similarity would debate over that 10% fervently :lol

I know I don't quite fit into your question above, but just for the record....

My youngest friend is 5 years younger than me...my oldest friend is 23 years older than me (and not a family member). In general, with people I come into contact with IRL, I have more in common with people older than me than younger than me, so it's easier to build friendships with them...however, age is not a determining factor...I just go my "fit"!

[irinam]

You know, irinam, I think we may be getting into another case of 'we're probably saying the same thing, just with different words' :thumb Someone on that non-negotiable thread said only those of us who share 90% similarity would debate over that 10% fervently :lol


You are right :) But isn't fun to argue :wink

In line with my own question, this would make me a friend of DS who is "only" 17 years older :lol

[Emzachsmama]

At this point, no I am not my dc's friend...I am their mother. When they are adults, then we can be friends. For now it is important that they know although there are LOTS of times when we do fun things together like friends do, ultimately I am their mom not a friend.

[Nurturing Mama]

I'm with Captain Crunchy. I feel like I'm my son's mother as well as his friend.

I think it all depends on how we define "friend", though. There are different types of friends. I have close adult friends, casual adult friends, family member friends, my husband, my child, mentors, etc. All are friends in different capacities.

Dictionary.com has five definitions for "friend":

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.


The first three definitions are indicative of my relationship with my son.

I am definitely more than a friend to my son, though. I am also his mother. Being a friend to him is a part of our relationship.


Carrie

[papayapetunia]

I think my relationship with my daughter has elements of friendship. We are a lot closer than I was with my mother, and she talks to me about things I would never have felt comfortable talking to my mother about. I think it's not that I'm her "friend," but that I'm "friendly" with her. Although, she does tell me that I'm her best friend in the whole world. And we do have inside jokes together like we're friends.

I have always seen myself as my daughter's guide in life. I'm here to show her how to be a grown-up and to be her own person. (Of course, I don't teach her how to be a grown-up right away. It's in little steps throughout 25 years or so.) I think I believe in sort of a compromise between friend and authority figure. I was raised when Tough Love was really big (in the eighties). Parents were told that they should never be their child's friend; they should demand absolute respect. I think that created a lot of cold relationships between parents and their children.

[Attila the Honey]

To me it's all just labels. There probably isn't a word that could adequately describe the relationship I have with my dd, but I hope 'friendship' is one of them.

When I think of a friend I think of someone that supports me and vice versa, I think of someone that can tell me his/her problems without judgement. I hope to be that for my dd. I want her to grow up knowing there is nothing she can't tell me and there is no problem we can't work on together.

When I think of the people I know who have said, 'I am not his friend, I am his FATHER (MOTHER)', to me those people usually seem to be saying it in a disrespectful way - the subtext seems to be, "I am not here to make him feel good/to have fun, but to keep him in line!". I think that is exactly what I want to distance myself from when I say that yes, I want to be my dd's friend.

However, friend or not all relationships are unique and have unique boundaries. I mean, even my friends who are my peers do not all have the same relationship with me. That's why just because I won't cross certain boundaries iwth my dd (complain about my marriage, tell her about my financial problems etc.) I don't automatically consider our relationship not to include friendship.

[UmmBnB]

No intention of being my kids friend. I'm their mother - very different thing. I've yet to see the parent as friend dynamic turn out responsible, mature, want-to-be-around kids. Not to say it never works, I've just not seen it in my world.

[MissRubyandKen]

I honestly could not imagine spending as much time as I do with my children with anyone I didn't consider my friend.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
Of course my children fit into this definition! :thumb

I agree donosmommy04 and I too say in my post that ANY friendship should be age approppriate.
:thumb I wouldn't talk about certain things with ANY child! Does NOT mean they aren't or can't be my friend.

And of course my relationship with my children goes above and beyond being their friend. In what other relationship do you conceive a body and spirit into being, carry them in your wound, birth them, and become responsible for their very life. I am STILL their friend.

[maya44]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your kids helping you emotionally.


I do. I just don't think this is really their job and I think it place too great a burden on them to be expected to do this. Though if they do so inadvertently, great. But it is not something I think a parent should be relying upon.

[irinam]

I do. I just don't think this is really their job and I think it place too great a burden on them to be expected to do this. Though if they do so inadvertently, great. But it is not something I think a parent should be relying upon.
And I think so too.

I also think it's not my friends "job" to do it either. Nor do I "expect" them to do this. Just like anything, if such courtesy is extended - great. If not, I will survive :wink

As with any relationship, I do not expect anything and do not assign jobs to anybody in any relationship. All I can expect is what I do myself be it with friends, DC or DH.

Sorry, don't mean to try to convince you other than you believe, just comparing my thoughts with yours.

[maya44]

And I think so too.

I also think it's not my friends "job" to do it either. Nor do I "expect" them to do this. Just like anything, if such courtesy is extended - great. If not, I will survive :wink

As with any relationship, I do not expect anything and do not assign jobs to anybody in any relationship. All I can expect is what I do myself be it with friends, DC or DH.

Sorry, don't mean to try to convince you other than you believe, just comparing my thoughts with yours.


Really, you don't expect your friends to provide support for you? OK.

But is this not something that you hope for in the relationship? You would not like for them to make an active attempt to provide emotional support for you?

I do. I think most people do of their friends.

But I like I said I do not expect it from my children. More importantly, I don't really feel that I want them actively attempting to provide emotional support for me.

I think that wanting this from them or them regularly actively trying to do so is not healthy for them when they are young. (Later on, when they are adults, its fine).

So no, I really don't think the "friends" model works at all for a parent-child relationship.

[mykdsmomy]

Wow, and I was worried no one would respond :lol Thank you, mamas for all the great responses.....that's why I love this board....I love to read everyone's views and it really helps to process through questions and concerns you have on different topics....:)
I agree and yet had never thought about how being a parent encompasses so much more than just friendship.....it doesnt have to be a "to be or not to be" issue.....
I think there are days when my dd11 feels like my "buddy" but then there are times when I know she doesnt like me much because of boudaries or whatever that dh and I have to set......My hope is later in life when she is an adult, we can take our relationship to a new level and have more of a "Friendship"....I hope that makes sense :)

[Fuamami]

I don't always like my friends. True friendship ebbs and flows. There have been times where my friends and I haven't always agreed, and times when we have been so angry with eachother that we needed a break of sorts. I have a very close friend who shares hardly any similar interests with me anymore, but we have been best friends for 15 years and she is family to me... I don't need to like the same bands she likes to be her best friend.

In as much as you don't agree with me, I feel the same and that is okay. I don't strive to be a "benevolent ruler" . Just because someone is dependent on me, doesn't give me control to decide for them what is "morally right". Loving and providing and protecting someone doesn't give someone authority. My husband supports our family financially. In a way I am very "dependent" on him financially, and even emotionally to a degree because he is my best friend and number one supporter --- he has no control over me.

It amazes me sometimes the level of control parents *think* they have over their children to stop them from doing things that are "wrong." Some day, sooner than anyone realizes, that toddler that you can control is going to become a teenager that you can't.

I would rather already have a solid 14 or so years under our belts of consensual living and a relationship that doesn't have a dynamic of control where our child (ren) know our relationship is based on mutual respect, and not force.

ETA: ... and I never understood the idea that we can "make" ethical adults by control.

Well, yeah, but what if your dd decided she didn't like you anymore? Would you "break up" with her?

It's just a different relationship, whether you live consensually or not. Here's how I feel about my children. If they grew up to be white supremacist ax murderers, I'd still love them. If they told me they hated me and tried to kill me, I'd still love them. Can you imagine if I told a friend I felt like that about them? They'd probably get a restraining order.

[wildmonkeys]

I hope that we have a true friendship when they are adults, but for now I am comfortable with having our interactions be very different from the very unconditional friendship my parents and I share.

That being said - when my kids need a friend - I think part of my role as a mama is being able to be a friend, ykwim?

BJ
Barney & Ben

[SunRayeMomi]

CaptainCrunch said her friends would die for her. I am willing to die for my children but I never would want them to do the same.
I was going to say this same thing until I kept reading and saw you already did. :lol

To me it's all just labels. There probably isn't a word that could adequately describe the relationship I have with my dd, but I hope 'friendship' is one of them.

:clap


My daughter is a very close friend of mine. But I mean that in a sense whereas I totally and completely enjoy her company (most of the time). Now, I think that myabe that is part luck and part my parenting, because I know plenty of great mamas with challenging children that probably couldn't agree with something like this. But in the sense that I love her company, she is truly a great friend of mine.

That said, I am also very good "friends" with my own mother. The same couldn't have ever been said during my teens where I fervently disliked her, but now that we are both mothers with common ground, I would say we are more friends now than anything. I truly respect my mother for raising me (she made me who am I, to some extent), but I no longer look at her as more of a mother than a friend. No, she is more friend than mother now. But I am a very independent soul.

My DD too is very independent, and for being a preschooler has so much personality and flair that sometimes I forget she's not "one of the gals". :lol But even the "friendship" that I share with my own mother differs GREATLY from the relationship I have with her. And it all boils down to age.

I've always had friends of all ages. And so does dd. Some of her best friends are "big girl friends" - they are my friends, but hers as well. But honestly, to describe the many types and levels a relationship has is nearly impossible. It's what makes each friendship unique, and irreplaceable.

So am I her friend? Yeah, sure! But I think everyone put it more eloquently than I could, so I will just say that there are many different definitions of what it is to be a friend.


~~~~~~~~~~~~
ETA: I just asked Raye if she was my "best friend" and she looked at me funny then said "No. I'm your baby!" :shrug Be still my broken heart.