my mistakes...and moving forward

[littlehawksmom]

I understand that we are all human and every one makes mistakes. My almost 3 yr ds really pushes my buttons.
I mealn REALLY. And I have had some bad moments that I so regret. I have done everything in my power to discuss those bad times with ds and say how I lost my temper, etc and I am sorryand I love him and I just need to be more patient,etc. I also try to brainstorm with him on how I could have released my emotion in a better way. I know he is young (although he speaks so well I sometimes expect too much from him and that is probably a huge part of the problem), so really I just talk to him and try to model things like deep breathing, etc. I realize that freaking out first then trying to model good things is probably counter productive...
Don't get me wrong, we generally have a good relationship that has been built on trust and love, but there have been times when mommy has made mistakes. And I realize that my buttons are MY buttons and it is my job to choose my reactions. Most of our yucky interactions come from me getting fired up when he hurts me or worse, his baby sister.
Anyway, we (dh and I-so glad we can agree) have decided/learned that we should respond with love. It seems like 'rewarding' bad behavior, but that is just our baggage,KWIM? And we have always tried to do that-with a few attempts at very ineffective, upsetting punishments and some things that we took personally for some reason-like if we didn't stop x behavior-nip it in the bud-then we might be bad parents or some silly thing like that.
I don't really know where I am going with this.... I just hope all is not lost-I mean that my bad interactions (yelling, being nasty, getting rough-all those things I thought I would never do) will just be in the past and there will be forgivness and positve change. I guess I am just looking for someone to reassure me that ds is not too scarred and that I can do this! This new baby and toddler thing is hard! Sorry if this post is confusing-thatr would just reflect my tired self. I am doing my best to take care of myself as I have found that this creates the setting for positivity.

I have another question about reversing a child centered environment (I mean that things are usually smooth with ds as long as we are playing with him, but when I need to get things done, that is where it gets tough and I do try to get him to help me), but I guess that is a different post.
Thanks for any insight or reassurance.....

[Suzetta]

It seems like 'rewarding' bad behavior, but that is just our baggage,KWIM? And we have always tried to do that-with a few attempts at very ineffective, upsetting punishments and some things that we took personally for some reason-like if we didn't stop x behavior-nip it in the bud-then we might be bad parents or some silly thing like that.

First of all, I am going to say that you sound like a wonderful parent...both you and your dh. It takes a strong person to be able to question themselves, admit mistakes and try to become a better parent. By doing this, you are teaching your child that everyone grows and learns.

Secondly, regarding the part I put in quote, I try to see myself as being compassionate to my children. In doing so, I am not being ineffective or rewarding them. Rather, I am able to look beyond their actions, and see into their feelings. Clearly a 2 yo who is fussing in the checkout lane because her mom tells her she can't have a candy bar needs to "learn" more appropriate behavior, but it is my responsibility to understand that this impulsiveness is a trait of a 2 yo. It wouldn't make sense to come down hard on her, punish or yell at her, thus just making her feel worse! I don't care about what others think, I choose to be compassionate with her, and offer her my love and affection as she comes to realize that no means no. A hug and a kiss go much farther towards diffusing the situation than yanking it out of her hand, yelling at her and punishing her!

[Soundhunter]

Peggy O'Mara, founder and editor of Mothering magazine, mother of this website, spanked and used mostly non-GD parenting tactics with her first two children, she didn't discover GD until her third child. After this change with her third, she did implement changes in their lives and they all blossomed from them, from how she writes about her children they all sound like wonderful, positive healthy people. I have no doubts that your family can grow, heal, learn, and move on from this chapter together. :D

[Piglet68]

My stepmom is a relationship counsellor and she told me once that what distinguishes long-lasting, "good" marriages from bad ones is that in the former, the number of positive interactions outweigh the negative ones.

I try to remind myself of this when I've sunk so low as a parent that I figure I've ruined my child for life. Most of the time, I think I do a pretty admirable job of sticking to my principles (though I always feel there is room for improvement), so when I have screwed up I try to remind myself that the positive interactions far outweigh the negative ones.

And as for what you wrote here:

Anyway, we (dh and I-so glad we can agree) have decided/learned that we should respond with love. It seems like 'rewarding' bad behavior, but that is just our baggage,KWIM? And we have always tried to do that-with a few attempts at very ineffective, upsetting punishments and some things that we took personally for some reason-like if we didn't stop x behavior-nip it in the bud-then we might be bad parents or some silly thing like that.

I could have written that myself when we went through 3 year old DD hitting her baby brother last summer. I've SO been there. And I can tell you that now, at age 3.5, the "responding with love" thing has made all the difference between a chaotic, stressful household and a peaceful one. :thumb