How do you think strangers would snap 'judge' your parenting???

[Suzetta]

I love coming to this website...but I must admit that I have started to become paranoid about how others percieve me as a parent when I read so many judgemental posts.

My two children are wonderful, but like normal children they have fits, temper tantrums, as well as wonderfully loving and sweet moments.

Some days, I go out and they get such admiring looks by folks who walk past, and I can very smugly say to myself that they must think that I am a wonderful mom, with such wonderful children.

Then there are the off days....when one is fussy or demanding, and I find myself challenged to meet their needs while getting my errands done. I am sure that I have had my share of smug looks from know it alls who are sure that I am the worst parent.


Today I saw a child just throwing the worst tantrum I have ever seen. The kid was purple faced, and screaming. I found myself feeling bad for both the child and the parent, to be in such a terrible frame of mind. It makes me sad to think that maybe others were looking at the situation thinking the child was a brat, or the mom was handling her terribly etc.

I don't know where I am going with this post, other than I really think that as parents we need to think twice about judging how others parent their children. There's no one way to eat a Reese's, and there is certainly no one way to love your child.

[StephandOwen]

Well.... I had a bad moment today so I'm sure if anyone saw it they probably thought I was a horrible parent :innocent We were at the store and my DS was walking nicely (he uses a harness, which he loves, and he usually walks nicely). All of a sudden he decided to stop and sit in the middle of the aisle (no particular reason that I know of, it wasn't even a cool toy aisle :lol ). I told him he needed to move over to the side so other people can get through. He gave me that look. The one that says "MAKE ME!". As he's almost getting stepped on I tell him again, he needs to move over, and I take his hand to help him get up. He refuses. Plants his butt on the floor and refuses to move an inch. So in one swoop I pick him up. As soon as my hands touch him he arches his back, screaming bloody murder like I'm hurting him, thrashing his arms and legs, face turning red :demon :hide: :bag: We were almost at the fish tanks so I just carried him there (a few steps) and set him on the floor and told him if he needed more sitting time then he could watch the fish as long as he needed to (there was noone else trying to walk through over there). Of course, being the lovely little creature he is, he gives me the look of death and takes off running, just daring me to make him look at those fish :rolleyes :lol Gotta love him.

I've always wondered what other parents think of me. But somedays I'm sure they'd think the worst. Really, I'm just trying to get through the day (and I have never spanked or yelled at and belittled him so I have to say I'm not doing too bad a job!). However, some people see the harness and think I'm a horrible parent anyway :irked:

[busybusymomma]

I dunno what people think about me really. :shrug Sometimes I used the sling for ds and dd was so good walking next to me and we probably looked all crunchy and AP... sometimes I used the stroller for ds and dd runs around misbehaving and we look all crazy and grumpy. :shrug

We had a lot of bad times in public this summer when my dh was letting ds drink Coke- my ds canNOT handle that caffeine and sugar and it was hell for awhile. Thankfully dh finally goes along with my only occasional sip rule even if he doesn't agree with it. Whew.

So anyway, I dunno what people think! :wink I don't look crunchy I don't think, and if ds isn't walking with me he rides in the stroller... he didn't like to be worn anymore after 18 months or so and I can't carry him now anyway because of the pubic separation.

[TinkerBelle]

I do not care a bit what people think of me. If they can do better they can come live a day in my life. Knock themselves out.

I never ever say anything to a parent of a child having a tantrum. For one thing, it is just RUDE, and for another, how does criticism help anything? Also, you do not know if the child is disabled in some way (autism, etc.).

[TortelliniMama]

Before ds was born, I worked with kids with autism. No matter how talented/experienced/skilled/knowledgeable my colleagues and I were, there were going to be tantrums (so, a lot like dealing with typical kids in that way :lol). We didn't look at each other during work and think, "Oh, (child) is having a tantrum with (teacher). (Teacher) must not be doing a good job." Instead we tended to pay more attention to how we were reacting to the children. The important things were to be calm, in control of yourself, and using techniques that were likely to help the child calm down and (hopefully) make repeated tantrums less likely in the future. (ETA: And we didn't just go up and criticize each other if we weren't reacting in this way. We might offer to cover for that teacher a few minutes later, so she could get a break, or do something else to lower her stress level, and if she were our assistant, we were responsible for offering constructive criticism and help in improving her skills. Not stuff that I'd expect/accept from a stranger in Target.)

So even today, when I'm out with ds and he's having a hard time, I tend to assume people are more likely to view my parenting positively if I'm dealing with a situation in (what I view as) an appropriate way, no matter what ds is doing. I'm sure that there are people who don't view it that way, but they've never dared to come over and offer advice/criticism (maybe I put out "Nothing to see here, step along" vibes? ;)). Besides, my reactions are what *I'm* concerned with the most. I can't directly change ds's behavior, only my own.

[Rainbow Brite]

I do not care a bit what people think of me. If they can do better they can come live a day in my life. Knock themselves out.

I never ever say anything to a parent of a child having a tantrum. For one thing, it is just RUDE, and for another, how does criticism help anything? Also, you do not know if the child is disabled in some way (autism, etc.).


I don't care either. If dd becomes upset, I tune everything else out and just focus on her. I haven't seen many tantrums either, but I would like to say something helpful to the parent and child - like "it can be hard being a toddler" or something, but I'm not sure I would. Just something to say hey kids are kids, and it's normal so the parents don't get too upset and worried what ppl are thinking.

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I don't give a rat's @ss if strangers judge my parenting. Chances are, they let their babies CIO and spank them for every minor thing (I live in a very mainstream town) so I doubt they're better parents than I am.

People probably think I'm too lenient with my kids because I don't spank them, but I'm not. If they're having tantrums in public it's usually my fault anyway--for taking them out when they're tired, or when they're a little hungry, etc. I'm not saying kids don't have random meltdowns because they do, but usually the meltdown can be avoided. DD's had a meltdown in the appliance store today because she was tired and people were glaring at us, but I HAD to be there. I had to buy a washing machine today so it will be delivered Mon and they were going to close in an hour.

[Kristine233]

Oh boy! I HATE going out in public with all three kiddos because chances are theres gonna be a fight, lol. My oldest 2 have been at each other's throats lately with it being too cold to play outside and too much energy. While they are noramlly good kiddos its been trying lately. But because I am basically single parenting (DH is an over the road trucker) I have to venture out.

I try not to care what people think of me and ignore the *looks* I get when my kids are getting anxious, but its sooo hard! I ignore the best I can and avoid eye contact with anyone but my children. Childish I know but I dont want to invite the comments.

Knowing how *I* feel out in public also makes me aware of how other parents feel. How many times have we seen other parents dealing with the exact same issues we have and looking rather stressed out? Everyone around them giving the smug look. I go out of my way to acknowledge these other parents. Moms dealing with a cranky kid in the checkout line and looking frazzled.. thats the line I choose to stand in. Give them a smile of "knowing" and let her know I have children myself and go onto make silly faces and interact (sidetracking) with her little one so she can finish up her checkout. Just give the mom chasing her child down the isle a sincere smile. Make friendly small talk with the mama next to me. 99% of the time I can see a sigh of almost relief come over these moms... "someone gets it!"

[Storm Bride]

There have been times, especially with ds1, when I'm sure people thought I was a terrible parent - there have been times when I thought I was a terrible parent. I had no patience a lot of the time (something about severe sleep deprivation, an emotionally abusive husband, a stressful job and failing health) and would get so frustrated with my poor little guy. I yelled at him more than he deserved and was really unreasonable at times. But, I also spent every second I could with him, sang to him, read to him, held him, comforted him, took him out for walks and picnics, to the Aquarium, held his hair while he puked when he was sick, etc. Despite the number of things that I regret doing, I think I've done okay, overall.

I don't like the idea that people thought I was a horrible mom. On the other hand...some guy yelled at me from his balcony to "take it easy on the kid" one day. (I was yelling at ds1, because he was dawdling...imagine - a 5-year-old dawdling.) Since I didn't notice him offering me any help with the 40lbs of groceries I was carrying home, or offering any constructive criticism, I don't really care what he thought. It's easy to be a perfect parent from your balcony.

Most days, people seem to think I'm a good mom. I've got three happy, healthy kids and get a lot of positive feedback. Overall, I don't think my lapses have hurt them too much...I hope not. I know I don't judge based on scenes in grocery stores, anymore - I never know what's going on behind the scenes, and I know I was actually at my worst in public, because I was always trying to get things done, so we could get home. (I will admit to cringing when I see a grocery cart filled with nothing but junk - but maybe they're having a party?)

[Storm Bride]

Just give the mom chasing her child down the isle a sincere smile. Make friendly small talk with the mama next to me. 99% of the time I can see a sigh of almost relief come over these moms... "someone gets it!"
Oh, does that strike a chord. I was going through the express aisle with ds1 when he was about 2 or 2.5. I was wearing hiking boots (the only boots I owned...I have weird feet), and a backpack full of laundry, because we'd just come from the Laundromat. As I was almost done, ds1 took off through the store, and I had to leave all my purchases and my purse to chase him. He had enough headstart that we circled the entire store! A couple of people were giving me the "can't she control that kid?" look, and I was just mortified that everybody in the express lane had to wait for me. When we got back, I said "sorry" to everyone behind me. And, the man two spaces back said, "boy - he's got a lot of energy. You must have so much fun with him". It wasn't sarcastic or anything - just an acknowledgement of the delightful spirit that little kids have.

I wanted to kiss that man - I really did. DS1 and I had a lovely walk home, looking at the flowers, and singing songs.

[Jenifer76]

What a great story (referring to the post above this one).

[Kristine233]

Oh, does that strike a chord. I was going through the express aisle with ds1 when he was about 2 or 2.5. I was wearing hiking boots (the only boots I owned...I have weird feet), and a backpack full of laundry, because we'd just come from the Laundromat. As I was almost done, ds1 took off through the store, and I had to leave all my purchases and my purse to chase him. He had enough headstart that we circled the entire store! A couple of people were giving me the "can't she control that kid?" look, and I was just mortified that everybody in the express lane had to wait for me. When we got back, I said "sorry" to everyone behind me. And, the man two spaces back said, "boy - he's got a lot of energy. You must have so much fun with him". It wasn't sarcastic or anything - just an acknowledgement of the delightful spirit that little kids have.

I wanted to kiss that man - I really did. DS1 and I had a lovely walk home, looking at the flowers, and singing songs.
Dont ya love it?! DS has done that to me a few times. Once was in the parking lot and he took off running, I was frantic because I had the 2 other kiddos and I didnt want to just leave them standing there but couldnt let DS run into the street so I told my oldest to walk her sister to the door and wait (20 feet from us) and I took off after DS. He is FAST. I was so paniced that he was going to veer into the road and then felt awful about him getting away from me.. and so on and so on. A man in a truck pulled up next to me when I had caught DS and he said "Looks like you are going to have a track star there" and gave a real smile. I felt 100 times better after that simple comment from a complete stranger. Weird the effect simple things can have on us eh?

[aussiemum]

Oh honestly! Strangers who want to snap judge my public parenting can just go get stuffed!!! :lol

I don't worry about it, to be honest. What counts to me is how my kids feel at the end of the day, & by now I think they are used to my 'parenting style'. So when I say to them 'Yes, I agree that the Lego set is beautiful, but we are here to buy a gift for your friend's birthday & nothing else. Let's go now, we have 15 minutes to finish this shopping job.' & insist that they come along..... I don't see that as being a "bad parent". Now that the youngest is 5 instead of 2, it's sooo much easier of course. They know that I am not going to give in & buy anything extra, so now they don't even try the tantrum thing.

At the pool, for example, I'll say to the kids, you have 10 minutes & then we need to go. At three minutes (give or take), I'll let them know. When time is up, then they must get out of the pool (I give them time to complete 'one last flip' & such, of course. But only one!), otherwise I will come in & get them. Apparently this is horribly embarassing if you are above a certain age. :) I don't have to get in the pool to fish them out much anymore......

I'm just thinking of those as examples where I don't really worry about what other people think of my parenting practices..... not setting up some sort of ideal!! We do what works for our family, & we are secure in that. And you should be secure in that too, mama! Don't worry about what other people think, & the rest will follow.... ;)

[boomingranny]

oh I don't know, probably think "what the hell is that weird woman doing? Why is she barking like a dog or singing so loud, or look pissed off?".

[mamalisa]

Anyone seeing a snapshot moment of my life could think that I am a hell-beast or Mary Poppins, depending on the moment. I've never had someone say anything negative to me, so overall I must look "ok". I always try to give a sympathetic smile to any parent that looks like they are having a rough time.

[Kincaid]

I have a very cooperative, sunny, and easy going little one (who's now 18 months). He will sit on my lap through a 45 minute group meditation session without fidgeting. No kidding. He always touches gently, smiles at people, he's just "easy".

All I have to do is dress him cute, brush my own hair, and folks think I am supermom.

I really can't take credit, but it sure makes me look good ;)

[Circledancer]

LOL...........I have LOVED reading all of these!!

My kiddos are older now, and we don't have too many fights in the stores. We don't go to alot of stores......but when we do, I remind them of the rules when we go in, and what the may lose if they decide to push their sweet Mama!

BUT.....when my precious Victor was 5 he decided to show his little @ss at the public pool! Of course there is a NO RUNNING sign posted every couple of feet: and it was time to go, and he starts screaming and running!! The pool is loaded with people, a good 45-55 people......and I have 4 other little ones wide eyed and waiting.

Two (incrediably beautiful, I might add!) humongeous African American men steps in front of my little.......running like the wind....white boy and blocks him like a football! And says: "Little man, you turn around right now and go back to your Mama!" And lo and behold......that's is what my little bugger did!

I fell in love with those men that day!! And to this day I realize that sometimes a kind word, a helpful hand, and a smile makes the world of a difference in all of our parenting hurdles!!

Peace,
Kelly

[busybusymomma]

Two (incrediably beautiful, I might add!) humongeous African American men steps in front of my little.......running like the wind....white boy and blocks him like a football! And says: "Little man, you turn around right now and go back to your Mama!" And lo and behold......that's is what my little bugger did!


:lol That's a great story! :)

[Jokerama]

It seems that with the general public I can't win. If I feel like this is a time I need to loosen up and give in to want DS needs (wants) then according to those around me I am spoiling him. If I carry him out of a store screaming because it was time to go, I gave him fair warning, and we cant buy everything- then the general public says things like "aww poor baby, you can come home with me"

So I give up!

[marybethorama]

My 4 yo threw a tantrum the other day because I wouldn't buy him a box of Little Debbies. We had gone to the store to get sugar for cupcakes :lol

I got him out of the store without too much screaming but once we got home, he refused to come inside and stood outside screaming. I can only imagine what people must have thought.

Oh well.

[ToniaStarr]

Oh boy, I KNOW how some may snap judge my parentin cuz many people will tell me so. I suppse becuase I look younger than I am. I am 26 with a 9 month old, 2 year old, and 5 year old and I look about 18.....so you can just imagine.....
The fact that I gentle discipline,. nurse on demand, etc.... makes it look to an ignorant person that I am young and clueless and all that jazz. Had enough people shake thier heads and give me that pity look. As if I haven't a clue. I don't let it bother me so much anymore. I figure if they have issues with what they see just cuz my child has a tantrum or something, they must not have kids of thier own. So, who really cares? I know I am doing alright by my kids. And DH knows that. So, just let it roll of me liek water on a duck.