You're "creating a bad habit"??????

[RachelW]

:confused: :shrug I previously posted about how much my 6 m.o. "needed" to nurse for hunger at night. And, outside of these boards, I have asked a slew of other mamas the same question. One thing that quite a few have told me is that if I nurse her every time she cries, that I am "enforcing a bad habit" and that she will always need the breast to go back to sleep. Now, I don't want her to CIO, but if the boob is my constant go-to solution to any peep, am I really "creating a bad habit"?

[sadkitty]

NO! You're creating a "positive sleep association" NOT a bad habit. Trust me no child has ever had to use the patch or gum to get off the breastmilk :wink .

Nursing and co-sleeping let your child know that you can be trusted, that they are loved and that their needs willbe met.
CIO creates a sleep association of fear, lonliness, and mistrust.

Which would you choose for yourself?

BTW...My almost 1 y.o. still "needs" to nurse at night. Sometimes he will let me or DH pat him back to sleep, but when he's hungry he lets me know!

[minkajane]

IMO, it depends on the kid. It does seem like if they get nursed every single time they make a peep, it can create a bad habit. If your DD is hungry, by all means nurse her. But if she's just fussy, try some other soothing first. With my DS, all I have to do when he wakes up is lay him on my chest and he pops his thumb in his mouth and falls back to sleep within 5 seconds. At six months, most babes won't have to nurse more than once or twice a night, if even that much. Try cuddling and patting her back first. If she tries to find the boob or displays obvious hunger signs, go ahead and nurse.

Good luck!

[alexsam]

I don't know about "bad", but it can become a "habit" (like some people can't sleep without a certain pillow or a child can't sleep without a favorite toy- it can become a "cue" to relax and sleep). Meaning, I don't think that nursing is bad (and clearly it is never bad to nurse for hunger) in any situation. However, always nursing to sleep can become difficult when your child ONLY associates sleep with nursing. Right now, I am trying to get my 18 month old toddler to sleep without nursing and it's hard because the nursing/sleep association is so strong. He wakes frequently and can't seem to relax and sleep without nursing and so finding other ways of comforting (and finding a way for Dad to help or occasionally put dc to bed) can be helpful and lead to more sleep later with older babies and toddlers. I wouldn't stress it, though. If it doesn't bother you, than it is not a problem! Also, things change. She may really need to nurse now but in a few months might not. There are some good ideas in the "No Cry Sleep Solution" by E. Pantley if you are looking for more info. Also, Dr. Sears talks about this some in his Breastfeeding book...

[boongirl]

From: http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/comfortnursing.html

Your baby's desire to nurse to sleep is very normal and not a bad habit you've fostered. Don't be afraid to nurse your baby to sleep or fear that you are perpetuating a bad habit. Baby often will seek the breast when sleepy or over-stimulated because it's a comforting and familiar place to him. To associate the breast with wanting to relax enough to go to sleep makes perfect sense. As adults, we also do things to relax ourselves so we can go to sleep: we read, watch TV, get something warm to drink or a snack, deep breathe, get all snug under the covers, etc. Nursing does the same thing for your baby.

I would be good money that you are going to hear those moms you write about talking more and more about how their children are waking them up at night and they are spending a lot of time either coaxing them back to sleep or listening to their cries and teaching their babes that mamma does not care to respond to them after dark. If the comments make you feel bad, you can stop talking about it to those moms. Or, read the Kelly Mom website, link above. It is a great resource about breastfeeding. It will empower you to be able to stand for your convictions with pride. And, you will know for sure that your baby is having its needs met.


And, yes, breastfed babies do wake up more and nightnurse more. So what? They are getting their needs met fully as opposed to those babes who are being forced back to sleep by crying. My babe night nursed every two hours until she was 15 mos old. It did bug me sometimes but then I would look at her and marvel at how wondrous she is and I stopped letting it bug me. At around that age, I started talking to her at night and soothing her back to sleep. It started working more and more and she nursed less and less and woke up less and less until around 24 mos she was sleeping 12 hours straight. And, ya know what, I look back and think, why did it bug me, it was such a short time? Time flies and so will this feeling that you have that you are being woken up a lot.


And, I think a lot of babes, mine included, need to suck more than they need to nurse. I used a pacifier on mine from the time she was a colicky 4 week old until she was around 2. When she woke up at night, that was my first act - put pacifier back in mouth. Many times and more and more as she aged, she would go back to sleep. And, by the time she was sleeping through the night, she did not need the pacifier anymore. The hardest thing to stop was nursing to sleep first thing at night and nursing to wake up in the am. They were hard periods - about one week each - for both of us. But, there was no crying and lots of loving and, at 28 mos, she did it! Now, at 32 mos, she can go to sleep on her own. See - a frequently night nursed baby can learn to sleep on her own!


And a good retort is to say "How can loving her be a bad habit?"

[Talula Fairie]

From: http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/comfortnursing.html



I would be good money that you are going to hear those moms you write about talking more and more about how their children are waking them up at night and they are spending a lot of time either coaxing them back to sleep or listening to their cries and teaching their babes that mamma does not care to respond to them after dark. If the comments make you feel bad, you can stop talking about it to those moms. Or, read the Kelly Mom website, link above. It is a great resource about breastfeeding. It will empower you to be able to stand for your convictions with pride. And, you will know for sure that your baby is having its needs met.


And, yes, breastfed babies do wake up more and nightnurse more. So what? They are getting their needs met fully as opposed to those babes who are being forced back to sleep by crying. My babe night nursed every two hours until she was 15 mos old. It did bug me sometimes but then I would look at her and marvel at how wondrous she is and I stopped letting it bug me. At around that age, I started talking to her at night and soothing her back to sleep. It started working more and more and she nursed less and less and woke up less and less until around 24 mos she was sleeping 12 hours straight. And, ya know what, I look back and think, why did it bug me, it was such a short time? Time flies and so will this feeling that you have that you are being woken up a lot.

I was going to say the same thing, but you said it so much better than I could. Babies sleep through the night/nightwean when they're ready. There is NOTHING wrong with nursing at night, and you're not creating a bad habit at all. Unless of course teaching your baby that you're there for them and love them is a bad habit....

[boongirl]

I've been thinking about this all day. I cannot imagine why mother's say things like "you are creating a bad habit" to each other. I had a mom tell me my then 6 month old was crying just to manipulate me into picking her up. This was in a mom's group. Then, she told me that babies need to cry themselves to sleep and "they still love you in the morning." You know what I did? I left the group and found friends who also co-sleep and are doing extended nursing and I am all the better for it.

[turtlemama77]

Maybe I'm way off here, but I kind of tihnk that the "bad habit" crowd is jealous. I don't know exactly what they might be jealous of, maybe how close we AP mamas are to our babies/children? Jealous because nursing to sleep is so peaceful and easy (haha, well...most of the time...I have quite the active nurser sometimes)?

Like I said, maybe I'm way off, but if someone is telling you that you're creating a bad habit by doing something, there must be something going on with them. Go ahead and nurse your baby. Your baby will go to sleep on when she's ready developmentally. She will find other ways to soothe when she's ready. She will sleep through the night when she's ready. No worries!

[RootBeerFloat]

The fundamental thing wrong with the "bad habit" idea is that it's based on an erroneous cultural assumption that babies shoudn't need thier moms to soothe them when they need it. Millions of babies go to sleep every night at their mom's breast and I'm not sure that even one 12 year old does. The problem is that we western women are really brought up to believe that our babies should be relatively convenient to us and that they should stop needing us at some point and be more independent. That is a crock. Healthy babies need their moms. The question is, are you prepared to be available to her for as long as she needs you to be?

It may be true of dd that if she always falls asleep at your breast, that she will need to do it for a long time. Like someone said earlier, it depends on the baby. Again, it's not bad for her to fall asleep on your breast, unless you beleive it to be. She may need to do it until she's 2 or older, or she may just stop needing it at 6 months. If you're ready to go down the road of truly meeting all of her needs for as long as it takes, keep nursing her to sleep every time.

If not, I think that Elizabeth Pantley's suggestion in the No Cry Sleep Solution (which, if you're worried about sleep at all, I highly recommend--the earlier you start, the better) is a good one. She says to put your child to sleep in different ways. For example, Ally falls asleep nursing, bouncing on an exercise ball, in a babywearing sling, in the car, and, at that age, in a swing. So one night you do one thing, the next night something else--mix it up so that the message that dd is getting is that she can fall asleep when she's tired, not I need this breast in order to sleep. It's alot of work, but it will help in the long run. That's my biggest advice for you, is to take the LONG view on sleep and be consistent for months. Babies hit many sleep bumps along the road, so choose a path and stick to it. It will help her learn to sleep without CIO, gently and over time, as her body was meant to do.

[Mrs.Peanut]

Rachel, you can't spoil a baby with love. And fulfilling your baby's need is showing your love. I agree with pretty much everything that everyone here has said. I have four children from 15 to 3, all nursed on demand for as long as they wanted. None of them are nursing now. The day will come (far too soon) that baby won't want to nurse any more.

Bottom line - listen to your heart and you'll do what's right. Forget about what anyone else says. No one else knows your baby like you do.

Nicole

[kchoffmann]

I cannot imagine why mother's say things like "you are creating a bad habit" to each other.
That's what I feel too. We live in a culture so full of fear, we have to be careful not to get caught up in it. I used to have the same questions the OP has - how could one not living with these sorts of comments? We did go through times where DS went to sleep with DH rather than me, but we actually moved back and forth between these alternative ways and nursing a lot, depending on what DS needed at the time. Today my 2.5 year old is self-weaned (as of two months ago) and I sing him to sleep every night in my arms. I'm sure this will change at some point too when he seems to need something else. Having gotten this far with one child, it helps me really trust that following my instincts as a parent is only good. It's all worth it - he's a happy, confident, independent, loving, very attached little guy. I'm so glad I didn't make choices out of fear.

[Vicitoria]

I think it goes both ways. I wasn't able to breast feed but still fed on demand. There were a lot of times that the only way we could get our son back to sleep during the night was to give him a bottle. We put him in his own crib and for the most part he did fine without it. But, there were times that he needed a bottle for whatever reason. I've always used the bottle like many use a breast and at almost 19 months I can say it made no difference. We are co-sleeping again very happily because we have just moved. When we first got here, out son was understandibly freaked out and often drank half a qt of milk at night. Now we are settled in our own place and he drinks much, much less and sleeps at a much longer stretch. The other thing people seem to ignore is actual thirst. Not necessarily hunger, but thirst. My son drink water-apple juice all day along with milk. The other night we decided to start just giving him that at night instead of milk and it was no problem. My husband and I go through almost a quart of water a night because of actual thirst. Why should a baby be any different? Our old house had forced air heat and it was very dry. So is our new apartment. The liquid, in any form or delivery is justified and most likely necessary.

When we did get our son into his crib about a year ago he did OK without the middle of the night bottles and I remember thinking that the pediatrician was right, it wasn't necessary but looking back now I would question it. Everyone goes through necessary phases. I remember talking to people who told me it was a bad habit but then when I listened to their routine I realized they were putting an extra feeding in around 11-12. We would all go to bed around 9 so the timings were differnet but the hours between feeding were the same. Trust your instincts. Like someone said. No child had ever needed the patch to get off breast milk.

[Attached Mama]

IMO, it depends on the kid. It does seem like if they get nursed every single time they make a peep, it can create a bad habit. If your DD is hungry, by all means nurse her. But if she's just fussy, try some other soothing first....Try cuddling and patting her back first. If she tries to find the boob or displays obvious hunger signs, go ahead and nurse.

Good luck!

My DD is 6 mo and often just needs a bit of cuddles, patting or shh.. sounds and is immed back to sleep. If she's hungry tho she will continue to squirm and will reach for me. So I know... Last night she nursed every 2 hours all night. Most times it's less but it ebbs and flows. I think she must be going thru a growth spurt.

[mezzaluna]

it's a habit, but i think it's a matter of opinion whether it's a *bad* habit. i know my ds thinks it's a great habit :lol - i'm not always so keen on it, but hey...

actually, i've gotten so used to nursing him and falling asleep that as he's starting to fall asleep a touch more often on his own i find it hard to fall asleep without nursing him! once i even tried to get him to latch on while asleep so that i could fall asleep... unfortunately for me, he was in deep sleep and that was a no go... oh well! so the habit has been going both ways...

[rianna]

I have people do that to me all the time....... strangers, mothers, MIL'S, and its crazy! How can sleeping next to your baby and nursing them when they need to be comforted a bad thing!!!!!????? I dont understand but oh well. I live out here in bible land and lots of people dont understand my ways.....


Totaly off topis here but...

I do daycare for a gym and one of the ther instructors has 4 kids including 8 month old twins..... she put her boys into a playpen and said... you are just going to have to let them cry! I tried but I am no good at that.... holding my baby and having 2 boys scream forever... it was sad. All I could think is how glad I am that I dont let my baby CIO or that all her needs are fullfilled when she needs me.

[mamatosaskia]

Hi,

I have a 20 month old dd. I nurse on demand during the day, but have been able to get her to sleep without nursing. This was something that happened gradually over time. You don't see many adults nursing to sleep still, something taht I often reminded myself when I too was doubting my choices. If you are happy with the way things are, trust that you are doing the right thing.

j

[3littlebirds]

i love this thread! every time i begin to get tired of nursing my son every time he wakes, i'm reminded why i do what i do. when i search my heart, i know what i'm doing is right for us. parenting decisions are sooo personal. i try to not compare or judge (!) what other parents do. i've always nursed on request but it may not work for other moms.

honestly, i don't mind the nighttime nursing once i'm in bed with our son. sometimes i just get frustrated when he wakes before then -- the only private time i have with my husband. but, like others have said, it's a limited time in our lives. i'm sure some day i'll really miss being such a source of comfort for my little one.

[monkeybum]

I got so tired of people telling me I was creating a "bad habit" by nursing DS to sleep. DS would only ever nurse to sleep from birth. Yeah, it was hard when, at around 6 months I was the only one who could get him to sleep, but I treasured those moments and still do. It forced me to slow down and spend time with my son.

If it's such a bad habit, how come:

1. DS (now 2) started daycare at 11 months, and, after having never fallen asleep other than at my breast his entire life, he fell asleep on his own his VERY FIRST day at daycare, (without my breast by the way - or bottle or soother) and has fallen asleep on his own every single day there in the past year. He clearly *can* fall asleep on his own and has never had a problem with it.

2. Friends who used a bottle or pacifier for bed (b/c they thought the breast was a "bad habit") have children who still need it to fall asleep at daycare, and often have a fit if the paci can't be found at nap time. (They all had to go through major "weaning" excercises to get their children off the bottle or paci for naptime, I did not).

3. Between DS's 1st and 2nd birthday, all my non-b/f friends' (you know, the ones with the "good" habits? :lol ) children went through long phases where they refused to go to bed, having hour long tantrums, while most nights my DS would tell me he was tired and wanted to go to bed, (he learned baby signing at 14 months and was quite verbal by 18) and was asleep at my breast with no fuss in a few minutes. This is still our routine after 2 years. (I don't have to spend an hour doing "book/bath/bedtime" routines; I just whip out my breast and it's off to la-la-land DS goes! lol :lol )

4. I have never had to worry as much as my non-b/f friends about what DS eats as I know he's still nourished at my breast at night.

I do admit that doing it again, I would probably prefer it if DH could give DS a bottle now and then, (expressed bm) and I did hit a point when DS was about 6 months that I wished he could fall asleep without me - I wanted some time to myself! But now, I would not give up those moments for the world - they go by so fast. Now, DS (2 yrs) will often nurse then roll over and go to sleep off my breast. But I'm so glad we still have that connection at bedtime. :throb

Kathy.