I'm so upset and hurt right now!

[dkenagy]

My mother, my 2 children (20 mo and 34 mo), myself, my sister, BIL, and their 2 kids (10mo and 3.5 yo) were all eating lunch together today at a local Mexican joint. We were in the "party" room and it started getting really crowded and loud. We had been at the restaurant for about an hour and a half and most of us were still eating. Presley, the 20 mo, had eaten her fill and was ready for her nap and tired of sitting in the high chair. I got her out, but quickly realized that it would be nearly impossible to fix myself a fajita while holding her (she's very grabby and was fighting a little by this time...) My Mom offered to hold her and I first declined, explaining that she was too tired and fussy, but my Mom insisted. I passed her across my older DD to my mother. She was sitting with my Mom for about 2 minutes when I saw my mother SPANK her. SHE SPANKED MY DAUGHTER!!!!! I could not believe it! My mom has always been domineering and thinks that she is the end-all be-all to everyone. I was LIVID and the following "conversation" ensued:

Me: WHY did you SPANK her??!
Mom: I TOLD her to sit still.
Me: What?! DO NOT SPANK MY CHILDREN!
Mom: I didn't spank her. I popped her leg.
Me: Which is the same thing! I am sitting right here; you do NOT have the right to spank my children.
Mom: Excuse me? (Giving me the "eye of terror" as we called it when we were kids)
Me: I am the mother and *I* make the rules. Give me my child.
Mom: No, she's fine. I'll hold her. (My poor DD is crying like she is scared.. because she IS!)
I looked at my sister and BIL who are wide-eyed, but trying to look away... they are still in that "whatever Mom says is golden" mindset. I look back at Presley and she is trying to lean toward me, but my mom is still holding her. She leans too far and bumps her head on my other DD's chair. Now she is wailing and I jump up to grab, nay SNATCH her from my mother. The poor, sweet baby is nearly inconsolable and I am tearing up, too. My older DD is scared and making this weird whimpering noise. I was so mad I was shaking as I gathered up my things and my children and made my way to the cashier. I just wanted to run far, far away and save my children from that hurt! We were spanked as children and I remember very clearly the humiliation and pain and I NEVER want my children to be subjected to that. and now my poor baby has been spanked. She was spanked. I was literally 2 feet away and I couldn't protect her in time. I just want to cry and cry for my sweet baby.
The worst part of the whole ordeal was that this afternoon after her nap, Presley asked for Nana. It hurt me to hear her asking for this person that I feel has taken something very special away from her. My children do love Nana... she's not an evil person... but now I don't want them to be around her at all.
I'm so sad. For myself and for my poor baby girl.
I needed to spill this here where I know people will understand! (My sister... well, almost everybody I know... they are all spankers.)
Darci

[MissRubyandKen]

:Hug What a nightmare! :( I'm so sorry this happened to dd, dd, and you. I hope your mom will take to heart what you said and never do anything like that again. Maybe remind your mother how much your children love her and let her know it is NEVER her 'right' or 'duty' to hit your children, rather it is for her to enjoy them as YOU raise and discipline as YOU see fit.

[Jasmyn's Mum]

I'm sorry you all had to go through that. FWIW, I think you made an impact on your Mother by standing up to her for your child and telling her that you won't tolerate that. Maybe this is a good opportunity to tell your Mom how it made you feel when you were spanked. Just a thought. I also think that your dd asking for her grandma is her way of saying that she forgives her :hug

[crescentaluna]

Hugs of sympathy to you, mama, but even more importantly CONGRATULATIONS! for standing up to your mom, standing up for your little one - for letting your mama bear roar. I bet you knocked mom's socks off, and gave your family something to think about. I don't know you but I'm very proud of you!

[CelticMomma]

You have just described my worst fears. :hug I'm so sorry for what you're all going through. It's a shock, I'm sure. It sounds like you handled yourself bravely and powerfully. I admire your strength leaving when you did.

Good luck getting through this. I'm sure it's a nightmare you will relive over and over in your dreams. I hope you find some peace about it...

[irinam]

Sympathy and hugs from me too. I join pp's in congratulating you for standing up for your child be it even to your own mother.

It also showed your DD that you will protect her no matter what. And may be her asking for Nana was her way of asking you to forgive just as she has forgiven Nana?

FWIW, I woud be livid too, but would have made a spectical of myself while at it :o

You handled it good mama. Circumstances were not in your favor (to put it lightly), but you did good

[tealee]

:throb YOU ARE A HERO!

You stood up to injustice instead of ignoring the situation. You protected your little one from any further spankings from your mom (who would go against you after this?) When you think about this event, be proud. You are a Moma Bear.

[Marsupialmom]

You are awsome.... You stood up to your mom, that is hard to do.

Before you visit again and a firm talk with her. You will not hit, pop, or physically dicipline my children again.

[underthebluerug]

SHE SPANKED YOUR 20-MONTH-OLD?! :eek :hopmad :cuss :firedevil

I am FURIOUS for you. Give me five minutes with your mom to tell her a few things. I'm not scared of her. :angry

I know that when it comes down to RL circumstances, forfeiting an offending grandparent's visits with one's kids is not that easy. But that woman owes you AND your dd a BIG apology, and I don't know if I'd be letting her anywhere near my kids again until I got it. Good luck. When it really counted for your dd, you were there for her.

:Hug to you, mama. I'm so sorry this happened. But FWIW, YOU ROAR. :clap

[akkimmie]

:Hug Good job, you DID protect your dd, actions speak louder than words! How empowering, for you and your girls, to stand up for your belief system :thumb

[goosysmom]

:love

Oh mama! How I feel for you....I went through the same exact thing just a short time ago....how it hurt me and scared my daughter I can't get that image out of my mind here and there when she asks about her Nana. And my mom made light of it...

Good for you for standing up......I hope she will honor what you ask of her. I know mine won't and that's what hurts. She just laughs off my reactions as I'm being over the top....but I am not going to hijack this to explain.....maybe when I cool down about today I'll post my own thread.....

Three cheers for you mama and hugs for your dd (mine is 21mo)

[phathui5]

Oh my gosh. That must have been horrible for you. How wonderful though that you stood up to your mother and made it clear that you dd is not to be hit. If you haven't already, I think that it would be good for you to sit down and have a conversation with your mother without the children there and see that she understands that if she wants to see your children, she can never hurt them. And I would be very firm about the fact that you are going to enforce her not seeing them if she isn't in total agreement with you about the fact that they will not be hit or hurt.

[Jish]

My stepsister (our parents married when we were both adults so we were never raised together) and I had our first children five days apart. We parent very differently -- they are very mainstream, left the baby with my mom and stepdad when the baby was only 7 weeks old. My mom and stepdad spanked my her starting when she was an older baby -- before a year old, and heck, her parents probably spanked her too. My mom thought it was her grandparently right to discipline her grandchildren the way she wanted, rather than the way I wanted. I told her that she was never to spank my child. She told me that she would do it if she wanted, and I told her that it would be the last time she saw us if I ever found out she spanked him. She knew I was dead serious and has never spanked my kids, though she and stepdad think we are doing it "wrong" by not spanking and continue to spank their other grandchildren when they have them.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Your parents had their time to raise you as they saw fit. Just because they are the grandparents, that doesn't give them the right to decide how your children will be disciplined. If that had happened to me, it would be a while before I got together with my mother again. Would that be the equivelent of giving a grandparent a time out? :lol Do what you have to do to get your point across because it definitely isn't her right to decide to spank your baby. :angry

[flyingspaghettimama]

I am so sorry. Your story was very sad, it brought tears to my eyes.

Particularly the part when your daughter asked for Nana - because that's what makes children children. They will love everyone unequivocally, even if that person is abusive. It's the adults who destroy that trust and teach them that sometimes the ones you love hurt you physically (and boy howdy, doesn't THAT show up later in adult relationships). The adult child who feels scared of their parents, the abused wife who goes back to the husband again and again.

I think you are very wise to show your daughter that there's another way, and that you will protect her. Even if she asks for Nana, if Nana can't admit her wrong-headedness and promise to never do it again (and mean it), then I would continue to keep her away. Otherwise, will your daughter really know how wrong it is?

I think you rock! Many people would be too frightened to tell off mom. It sounds like your mom used a lot of fear and intimidation instead of love with you as a child - good for you for not letting that "eye" get to you as an adult.

[aira]

First of all, :hug :hug :hug

Your mom is my grandmother's twin, I think.

I feel your pain. DS is never alone with my grandmother, because she cannot be trusted. And she will lie until she's blue in the face because she thinks she's righteous.

Fortunately for my DS, she and I got into this over a cat, before I had a child. Basically, and I'm leaving quite a bit regarding her prevarication out here, when she did finally admit to hitting my cat (regularly), the only thing that got my point across was to tell her that, according to her logic, I would have to hit her because she wasn't learning her lesson not to hit the cat - since we hit in order to make someone learn their lesson.

She didn't speak to me for months. But I believe she stopped hitting my cat.

And when she ever starts with "that voice" that means something is escalating I take DS right out of her presence. He loves her dearly, though. Knows nothing about that side of her.



BTW, I hope you left the place and stuck your mom with the bill. It's plausible to say that you couldn't stop at the cashier since your DC were in such distress. I also would never leave DC alone with her - ever - and it would be many a moon before she saw us at all. I know what you mean, though, about DC asking for Nana. It's so impossible to explain to little ones about this stuff. It's just outside their thinking. Hopefully, your kids will never really know what that "eye" means.

Here's some more :hug :hug :hug

[mollyeilis]

"the only thing that got my point across was to tell her that, according to her logic, I would have to hit her because she wasn't learning her lesson not to hit the cat - since we hit in order to make someone learn their lesson."

oh that's good...her brain must have been squeezed a bit, by that logic... :down


To the OP, good for you for standing up to your mom!

[jenniey]

It is the casual-ness with which this is done that bothers me so much. Like it is just normal to whack somebody who isn't listening to you. Someone I know does the same thing. She CONSTANTLY uses her body to DISCIPLINE MY children. (We have limited and supervised visits with her now...) It started out small like what you are talking about. But it has turned worse and worse despite my "teachings." If my son hits her with a book, she hits him back with the book. She taught them something called "knuckle sandwiches" where she "playfully" punches them in the mouth. I have been punched so many times because of this. If one of them pulls the cat's tail, she pulls their hair. No matter how many times I have told her to stop, she persists. Sometimes it seems like she is a five year old.
And yes, it hurts me to no end that my dear children still ask for her at least once a week.
I could probably write a book on this subject; your post really hit a nerve for me as well as for others from what I have read here.
You did a good and brave thing standing up to your mom; I hope it is the last time you have to.