PLEASE HELP!! Ds is getting on my very last nerve.

[mumto2]

OK, I really need some advise from all you experienced momas.

Ds 8 has adhd and is gifted. After several fiascos at several different schools, I am homeschooling him. I am a teacher so that makes it a bit easier.

The problem we are having right now is that it is SO HARD for me to get anything done with ds. He will make a great big noisy fuss if we as much as need to pop out and pick up milk. If it's not his idea, he will make the situation all unpleasant. Like with the milk, he will slam the door, mutter under his breath and have the longest face on all the while. It makes no difference to him that he actually wants the milk, he just doesn't want to get it. I'm all into the natural consequences, so with the milk example, we might not get it but then we have the whole tirade when he wants the drink. When we talk about the incident later, ds is very sorry, starts crying and pretty much relies the whole event again.

For some reason this really pushes my buttons. We do alot for ds, he takes classes he is interested in to interact with other kids, does all the sports he likes and has plenty of attention during the day. It just really hurts me to see him playing the 'poor me I never get anything' role.

Also, and I think this is the crux of it for me, bedtime and sleeping are a disaster time. He just will not stay in bed, tries to engage us in conversations that always end up with him crying about how unsatisfactory some part of his life is. We have tried just letting him stay up reading as long as he stays in his room but he is in and out and calling out and I JUST NEED A BREAK!! This child is 8 years old!!! Not a toddler or preschooler.
I love my son so dearly, but after 8 years, is it so wrong to want maybe an hour to myself in the evening where I am not going to be drawn into these self defeating questions?

I also have a 5 year old dd who is also gifted, but not adhd, and a wonderful dh who is hugely supportive but sheesh, I just can't do the every waking moment thing........ what do you think?

[MissRubyandKen]

then we have the whole tirade when he wants the drink.
Also, and I think this is the crux of it for me, bedtime and sleeping are a disaster time. He just will not stay in bed, tries to engage us in conversations that always end up with him crying about how unsatisfactory some part of his life is.
If you don't mind my asking (if so you can of course ignore me :shy ) what medication do you have your son on? Has his prescription recently changed or been increased? How long has he been on medication and what behaviors led him to be diagnosed with adhd?
I ask because some of these things might fall into normal side effects of the drug your ds is taking. Taking a stimulant is not conducive to sleep. Sadly some children who are medicated for adhd wind up being prescribed Zoloft or something similar for sleeping difficulties. It sounds to me as though at nightime his mind is still revved and going and full of overwhelming emotions and thoughts he wants to share with you. Some of the side effects of stimulant drugs can actually be much worse than the behavior the child is being medicated for. You may want to check with your doctor about this if you haven't already.

[ambdkf]

We have a similar dynamic with my 8 yo. What helps her is a two pronged approach. First, we validate, validate, validate - even when it's hard, even when to me I think ('you have no idea what a tough life is :lol ) I just repeat back and really empathize with how she is feeling. It is very real and very true to her in that moment. I’ve found this to be the only thing that allows her to process the feelings and move through it. The second piece is that *I* focus on joy, joy everywhere and gratitude. Each night we talk about the things we are grateful for from the day. I've found that when we always focus on the joy and being grateful that she is able to get there.

She is also on a constitutional homeopathic remedy that helps too but the biggest difference is the validating and me being positive and joy focused. She just naturally follows along.

[mamaduck]

Would he stay in his bed at night if he could listen to books on tape? You could get them from the library in order to keep them "fresh" and prevent him from loosing interest.

I get the same kind of grief from my 9 yo about errands. I find it helpful to warn him way ahead of time. The previous day if at all possible. He is also more receptive to written plans -- so if I write out the order of events for the day, he is enthusiastic about keeping to the schedule. Even if involves a trip to get milk. And he likes checking things off a list.

And I am not at all above reminding him of the ways in which we help each other through the day. For instance, I will point out that he expects me to take him to swim practice and sit and wait for an hour while he is there. So then I ask, is it not reasonable to expect his cooperation with something on my agenda? Particularly if it is something necessary. And when it comes right down to it, I will stay home and NOT take him to practice if he has been giving me grief all day. I mean honestly, why should I??? As you say -- this is not a toddler or preschooler we are talking about. Its a great big boy -- bordering on adolescence. And I don't FEEL LIKE doing favors for people who treat me like crap all day, and dissmiss my concerns and priorities at every turn. And I believe that 8 or 9 years old is plenty big enough to begin learning this sort of lesson. Just because I am mom does not mean that he can take me for granted at every turn. Its not necessary to be mean. But there have been a handful of events or activities that I have found myself too worn thin to take him to, and I am honest about how I got that way!

[mumto2]

Thanks MissRubyandKen - ds has been taking short acting dexedrine since August.

We took him to the psychiatrist because he was having negative self thoughts, mainly at bedtime of course. He would strip off all his clothes and lie on th efloor because he didn't think he deserved to have a warm bed to sleep in. He would say that he might die that night because he didn't deserve to live. As soon as he started with the dying bit, we knew something was wrong. We just don't talk like that at all. I was actually expecting the doc to say it was anxiety or depression but apparantly the emotional outbursts are the impulsive component of adhd.

He is actually taking less now than he was before christmas because I thought he was very flat. The doc suggested sleeping tablets on our last visit but I just can't bring myself to give him something during the day and something at night too. He also suggested ds could try another non-stimulant medication but that has a (rare) side effect of suicidal thoughts but since we brought ds there because of his thoughts, I'm not about to give him something that might increase said thoughts.

ambdfk - thanks for your input. I have tried being exceptionally joyful, perhaps that is something I need to persist with. Deep breath.

mamaduck - what a fantastic idea, I'm running out right now to get some from the library. He might even nod off if the light is off. I am also quite at peace with not catering to his every whim, I just want the general tone of the house to change from him being demanding, whining, never satisfied and from me being on the edge ready to explode or burst into tears.