Bi Mommas? Do your kids know?

[pinkmilk]

Hey you guys...lets get some other conversations going around being bi and parenting and such...
So who's kids know...how'd you tell them, is it an issue?
My older boys remember me dating women before i married their Dad. It seems my kids don't differentiate between sexes when it comes to love and relationships but lately I've had to unschool their thinking a little because of things they hear from friends at school. If I were to date a woman now i would likely keep it a secret. I'm not sure why...I guess I'd have to explore this more.

Of course I raised them and will raise my little two to know that boys can love boys and girls can love girls. And that some people have a choice if they want to love a man or a woman. And that this is called being bisexual. That it's a wonderful way to be; being able to love whoever you want.

[Susannah M]

:bump:

[pinkmilk]

What does that mean???????????????????????

[bjorker]

Oh, I am :( :( :( !

I posted a big ol' reply to this last night, and it's not here! I must have pressed the 'preview' button and thought I had submitted it...

sigh...

Hopefully I'll get the oomf to re-write it soon, but I utterly hate doing that. Sorry mama.

[Lizzardbits]

I think of myself as bi, and for a while, my son had 2 moms (and a bio dad). after we broke up, i went back to his bio dad, and 3 was made into 4 when daughter came along.

It just so happens that i fell in love with a wonderful person, who happens to be a man. (now i have to convince him that we need to live in a duplex and have my best-friend in the other half and she agreed that she'd be in heaven, :D:D:D )

will i tell my kids? :thumb you're darn tootin' i will! I feel that it is important that they know that they can fall in love :heartbeat with a person no matter what sex they happen to be, and you can add age, religion, race, creed, music choice, favorite color, earthling or martian, eye color, toe tapping, finger licking, what-ever-you choose-to be HUMAN BEING

The hardest part, for me, is that it is hard to be accepted on either side. I LOVED going to the gay bar in the city where my ex-gal and i lived. but if i were to take my fiance' there...well I know that most of the people wouldn't be happy about it. *sigh* i miss that bar... oh well.

would i be in a gay pride parade? :thumb Yup, in a heartbeat! But alas, there aren't many near me that i have found.

[pinkmilk]

If I were to leave my dh and start a relationship with a woman then definately I would tell my kids but if I were to have a relationship outside of my marriage while still being married that's where I feel confused...being viewed by others as lesbian or queer or whathaveyou is fine by me but I don't think I could deal with being a cheater(even though I don't view it as such). I think it would be very hard on the boys too. They already get bugged enough cuz I'm a clown!!(really...I am a prof. clown). And it's too much to expect a child to keep a secret...they should be able to talk freely about their life....knowbody should have to feel like their life is a secret but it better be me keeping the secret instead of my kids...know what I mean???

[Sharlla]

Not yet, but I think when I have a GF move in with us, he's going to find out :lol I don't plan on hiding it from him, I'm just planning on waiting until the time comes. I don't know what will be more difficult to explain, homosexuality/bisexuality or polyamoury.

[Pynki]

I haven't told the boys (7, 5, and 2 1/2) but we don't hide it either. We (my dh and I ) talk about my attraction to women. What I like about women, how I miss women. Things like that. We joke that one day our boys will go to school and says, "My mommy likes girls." Probably not, but it's not impossible. It's not a secret. Just like dh and I being together isn't a secret. It's just a fact of our life as a family. If they asked questions (which they haven't) I'd answer them. If I heard any anti-gay talk I'd tell them why that's wrong in our family (and the world at large), but it just hasn't come up.

Warm Squishy Feelings..
Dyan

[max_4477]

Well, I'm Bi, my partner is gay, and we're both out in the family.

[tara]

My boy is only 4, but we have so many queer families around us that it's just normal to him. He understands already that some people love their opposite gender and some people love their same gender and some people love both. He knows his daddy is transgendered. I do not hide who I am and as he gets older we will certainly talk about my bisexuality (and my lesbian past) at some point. He's a curious kid. He asks a lot of questions.

But, my partner and I are both really comfortable talking about our attractions to other people. And, I wouldn't hesitate to talk about being attracted to women in front of him (in an age-appropriate way, of course). I know that not everyone has this comfort level or these values, and I can see how it would be a bigger deal if you had to sit down and have a serious conversation about it or something.

[ok4now]

Does anybody have a girfriend who has kids from a hetro relationship but those kids hate them

[pinkmilk]

Ummm...your question is unclear. Hate who? Your girlfriends kids hate you?

[ok4now]

Yes she has 2 kids. one boy and one girl. the boy and i get along great, but the girl hates me no matter what i do.

[zjande]

My dd is 14 now & recalls the days that I was dating women before I settled into the monogamy thing with my male partner. She even marches in the Dyke March with me in SanFrancisco every year.

One thing that I've made a habit of during my kid's lifetimes is, instead of saying things like "when you grow up & get married", or "maybe her husband is at work..." or whatever, is to say "when you grow up & marry your girlfriend or boyfriend.." or "maybe her husband or wife is at work..." .... you get the picture. I just try to keep it fresh in their minds that people MIGHT be dating/married to *either gender* & we should never assume. I even went so far as to pretend my Barbie or Ken was always gay when I played with my dd years ago. ;)

[maigheach]

Couldn't deal with my kids knowing, especially since I've been at the curious stage for over 20 years, and have never gone any further than that. My sister tells me that they would love me anyway, but.... to me, nothing is worth losing my kids over.

roxanne

[bjorker]

One thing that I've made a habit of during my kid's lifetimes is, instead of saying things like "when you grow up & get married", or "maybe her husband is at work..." or whatever, is to say "when you grow up & marry your girlfriend or boyfriend.." or "maybe her husband or wife is at work..." .... you get the picture. I just try to keep it fresh in their minds that people MIGHT be dating/married to *either gender* & we should never assume. I even went so far as to pretend my Barbie or Ken was always gay when I played with my dd years ago. ;)

That exactly what I do. Well, dd is only 13 mos, but even when other people are talking about her "in the future" which has happened already several times (just happened yesterday!), I always correct them if they immediately say "her boyfriend" or "her husband". I usually get rolled eyes and sarcastic comments, but that stuff is important to me! Why else do people grow up confused? Because heterosexuality is considered "the norm" and everything else isn't. I try really hard not to put any ideas in dd's head (well, there again she's only 13 mos, but might as well start now) and let her grow up exactly who she is. We're like that in all facets of life, at least as far as I can realise. She wears very gender neutral clothing, has all kinds of toys, not just "girly" stuff... I think my job is only to shape her into a thinking, caring individual, not to try and shape her interests/sense of self/etc.

Anyway, to keep this on topic... :p
I plan to be very open with dd, in an age-appropriate way.
I had a gf over 3 years ago who had a then-9 & 10 year old son. He was perfectly aware that she was bi & poly and I never saw any issues with that whatsoever. He was also aware that some people have a negative opinion over such things, and dealt with that wonderfully as well. I think it's better to be open with them from the get-go and to teach them to think for themselves when faced with any possible adversity over the topic. Though for those who didn't do that, doing it now rather than later is also probably a better idea. I say this as someone who hasn't really been there, so take that with however many grains of salt you need to. Still, I've always been very open with everyone (err, except my parents...whole 'nother issue...), and that has served me well. No suprises or feeling like I'm hiding pieces of myself. Plus knowing that I am surrounding myself with accepting people.

About the parents... if dd is going to be aware of exactly who I am, then I suppose my parents are going to need to know sooner or later. That's fine, I'll deal with it, being open & honest with my daughter is more important to me.

That's my 2 cents anyway.

[eamama]

DS will only know if I enter into a relationship with a woman. I don't really feel the need to explain it ahead of time. :) It's a here-and-now approach I suppose.

When I told him someone could have two mommies a few months ago, he just laughed and said "Awwww. That's silly" and left it at that. He's still so young, so it probably didn't mean much to him anyway! Ahahaha

[UmmBnB]

Yes and no. Ds (5yo) knows that both dh and I have attractions to both men and women but he doesn't know that we ever act on these attractions.

If either or both of us were ever to enter into a committed relationship with another then we'd explain it to him, or them if dd was at an age where she needed to know. I'm not sure how but I'm sure we'd figure it out.

[Dechen]

One thing that I've made a habit of during my kid's lifetimes is, instead of saying things like "when you grow up & get married", or "maybe her husband is at work..." or whatever, is to say "when you grow up & marry your girlfriend or boyfriend.." or "maybe her husband or wife is at work..." .... you get the picture.

I do this too. I don't know when I'll discuss MY sexuality with her, but I'm making it clear from the start that there are different ways to love and live your life. I also say "if you get married" instead of "when." Not everyone wants to get married.

[dawnadelle]

Yes, my kids know.

My 15 year old DD and I are able to discuss sexuality on many levels, including my own bisexual orientation.

My almost 4 year old daughter has been afforded the opportunity to see 'Mommy' in a relationship with a girlfriend, although it was weird to her at first seeing me hugging/kissing another woman and asking "Mommy - what you doing?" simply because it was new to her. Then exclaiming to 'Daddy' - "Mommy kiss Yanna' a lots and lots and then says "Will you marry me!', and Yanna' says "No! I no marry you!"'. This just kinda' indicates to me that she is at least thinking in terms of 'Marriage does not necessarily equal man + woman'.

My 7 year old son - clueless beyond the discussion he overhears. It's just by default of his age and the timing of my relationships.

[Innocuous1]

I want to add my two cents to this thread. First principles, shielding your child from overt sexuality is always good, hidng your displays of affection for people you love is probably almost always bad.

I think it's always important for the adults in a relationship regardless of their genders or numbers to privately agree on what 'the need to know' is and what the 'best interests' are as far as kids are concerned. I think sometimes this important step gets flubbed because of the insecurities of the adults.

[Pynki]

I dunno. I'm a really openly affectionate person. Lots of hugging and kissing. Me hugging and kissing some one be they my husband or my girl friend is how I show my affection. It's not a matter of "need to know" for my kids, it's a who I am for me. I'm not going to shield my children from who I am.

[Greenie]

Well, my Mom is a lesbian (probably bi.. but says lesbian) and we've known about it for a long time. I'm okay with it. I don't see why not.

[sunnmama]

My 15 year old DD and I are able to discuss sexuality on many levels, including my own bisexual orientation.
ships.

This is what I expect to happen with dd. Once she becomes sexually mature, I will share much more of my sexuality with dd.

It hasn't come up.....but if she asked me, I would answer honestly at any age. She has many examples of same-sex relationship in her life, and she doesn't "assume" that marriage or love means man-woman. She, herself, is planning on marrying a women, lol.