I don't like my Hebamme! (vent) - advice needed

[Hollycrand]

I am currently taking a birth prep class, paid for by the Krankenkasse (and so we're obliged to be present at all classes or pay 12EUR per missed class).
The Hebamme giving the class is also a Hebamme at the same clinic I'm giving birth at, though I've chosen my wonderful AP-friendly midwife to be my 'Beleghebamme' (she's present by my side for the entire birth - something not too common around here). I've even asked this Beleghebamme (Sabine is her name) to be my Postpartum Hebamme, which is breaking a bit with the 'norm', as most mums to be ask their Hebamme from the birth prep class (because most of them give birth at places where there's one Hebamme on duty for 4-5 women and so are lucky to have someone helping them, if at all).

ANYWAYS, Alba (the Hebamme doing the birth prep class) has given us some advice I haven't agreed with (like telling us we need to go swimming now with a tampon soaked in olive oil to avoid us getting infections).
Yesterday we did an excercise on our backs, and I cannot lie on my back these days. I get searing pain in the lower back, and need to be on my side.
We did an excercise on the back...rolling our torso back and forth in clockwork motions, which just caused me pain and I said so.
She then made out to suggest that I was doing the exercise all wrong.
We then had to put some sort of deflated ball (which seems VERY comfortable) under our lower backs and do the same motions. I couldn't do this, as the pain in my back was too great. She told me the ball wasn't positioned correctly, and that I needed to move it lower down. But my back pain was just too great, and so I stopped. She told me that 'of course it hurts if we don't do it correctly'...She also mentioned that it's a common exercise for Ruckbuildung (post partum fitness class)...so I am asking myself why are we doing this in a birth prep class?
So yesterday for the entire day (the class was in the morning) I had extreme back pains.
She's half-Irish, and so often speaks to me in English, so it's not like we have a language problem.
We also have fundamental differences in our attitudes towards birth, raising children, etc. (she's NOT at all AP supportive).
I am so disappointed, because I thought midwives were supposed to be supportive of pregnant and young mothers...not judgemental...and definitely not trying to push them to do something that hurts.
The rest of the things we do in the class are okay (kegels, massage to one another, discussion of what to expect, etc.) but I really would like to say something to someone.
Should I mention something to the Hebamme praxis (She's affiliated with a Hebamme praxis near my house, which is why I'm taking the birth prep class there)...or would it be better to ask the krankenkasse if I could change classes?
My Beleghebamme Sabine gives birth prep classes in another place, 30 minutes away, and from 20.30 to 22.30 in the evening, which cuts into my dd's bedtime, so I would be almost always late and stressed. But I'm thinking, perhaps...if I made an effort...?

What would you do in my situation? Knowing the German system as you do, and knowing how 'customer-friendly' most places are (ha ha)? I mean, does anyone know if it's possible to change birth prep classes just like that?

[Vicitoria]

Oh sweetie you are my German-system hero and I'm sorry you are going through this! I don't know any of the technicalities and thought you would have the answer to any question I'd ever had. But, I will tell you this - the back thing. Just don't do it. My midwife in the US never made me do anything I didn't want to do even during labor she was 100% supportive. I can say I wasn't always thrilled with the pre-natal care but that's because it was a free standing birth center so the mid-wives were often busy with a labor going on or tired from being on call so they weren't exactly perky all the time. But, the actual birth and after care was tops.

Do you think you will be doing the same exercises in the next classes or was it just a one time thing for them to show you how? My pre-natal classes were taught by different nurses from the birth center and the exercise lady and I just didn't get along. It was only one class though. If everything else is OK, stick with what you have. If you are that upset that you need to change, change. Really. My friend changed practices in her 39th week! It wouldn't hurt to make a few calls or ask around and see what your possibilites are. Being AP in such a traditional society can be difficult. I'm sorry I can't help you any more but I do send you a great big HUG1111 :hug

It's all going to be OK!

[behr]

Hollycrand, sorry you're going through this!
I would call or go to the Krankenkasse and tell them about your experience and ask if you can't attend another class if that is what you wish. There should be classes like that all over the place. Dh and I did a weekend one which was super nice together-time and a great way to meet other couples. We didn't do this till 3 weeks before birth.
I wouldn't make too many waves about the lady at the hospital since that might stir up some bad karma for the birth. Hold off until after your dc is born. THen I think it would be nice to tell someone about the back exercise experience. That sounds like it could do some damage to someone someday actually.
Sounds like you lucked out in Sabine though!!
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, don't let anyone spoil it for you!
Beate

[Vicitoria]

I second the back thing. I didn't think it was good in general for a woman in her 3rd tri-mester to be flat on her back. Maybe that's just for sleeping but I think it would be a general guideline.

I hope you are having a better day. More hugs and positive thoughts.

Sorry don't have time to find the icon.

[newbelly2006]

Yikes, Holly, I'm sorry. The back exercise is ridiculous. I can't be on my back at all--even for ultrasounds--and everyone has been quite respectful of that. If the hebamme is not respecting that, and she doesn't agree with many of your parenting choices, then I would say it's just straight out a bad fit. You don't want her in the week following birth there to give you advice, you're going to be hormonal enough no sense adding stress to what is supposed to be a good thing. i wish I could speak in more detail about the course, but we're only taking a weekend course next weekend (provided I make it that far as I've been on bedrest for PTL since last Monday!)

I would call your krankenkasse, explain the situation and see if there is a chance you can switch classes. Then I would definately request someone else at the praxis to be your postnatal hebamme. A good friend of mine had a hebamme who just didn't jibe with her personality and style and she said it was really stressful and awful every time she came over.

The hebamme is supposed to be a help, not a stress. Customer service or nto, don't let yourself get pushed into a situation where you can already see the train-wreck coming.

Good luck navigating the political and unfriendly waters.

Paula

[Dulcealegria]

Ohh Holly I also feel sorry what you are passing through.

Do not do the back pain excercise. Tell your krankenkasse that you are not feeling well, so that you cannot go.
I did not know that you have to pay in case you do not attend to the classes, maybe you can say that you already did it qith your first dd. I wouldnt stress myself to go to your beleghebbame since you already know what this vorbereitungkurs is about.

About Hebammes I am really disapointed. I already got a beleghebamme, and I thought she will be really AP and she really help me, but for my surprise (my own experience, can be that you have another) is that hebammes are only for bringing the baby. Before my ds was born, I told her please help me I want to read, to have everything I need, but in reality she only let me do what I though I need to do. I do not know if you can understand me.She did not suggest anything, just what I thought will be good, she will said it was good and what I said it was bad it was bad. She did not even help me to find a kinderartzs, she said she knew about one near my house...THanks and she is also a mother.
On the borth she was very good, but know that I know a little bit more about giving birth, I would have like her to give me more time and relax words...I think I was needing them.
on the postpartum know that I found my way, I see that I would not like her so near me. When I told her my baby is too often, she said maybe tried your finger if you do not want the pacifier. But she did not explain me it is normal that he wants to breastfeed all the time, she did not change my position or change me really to breastfeed and I really had sore nipples for a time. I feel she did not really help me giving me practical tips and showing me the Mothering way we like.
By talking with other mothers I have seen that it is difficult one that shows you the AP way. Maybe some of the other mothers in this forum have positive experiences, that will me very happy for them. But next time I will also have a beleghebamme and a woman from La Liga de la Leche or stillberatin. Also I will try to choose more my beleghebamme but it is difficult sincer there are not many.

GOOD LUCK and if you want to vent more or simply talk send me a message so I can call you.

Big hug and when is your baby due?

[Hollycrand]

Thank you for all the nice responses.
Vicitoria, I almost cried when I read your longer post on this thread. Thanks for the compliment!

Just an update: I contacted the Krankenkasse, who (in typical German style) told me that it was too late for me to change anything, and that the only thing I could do would be to change Vorbereitungskurs within the hebammepraxis. I didn't have any luck there either, as all the other classes were full (though the woman on the phone was nice and I explained to her my 'complaint' about the back exercise).
So, I am to continue with the same Hebamme (but she's ONLY the Hebamme giving the birth prep class - my Beleghebamme is doing everything else - pre-natal checks, birth, and post partum visits), and don't have to do anything I don't want to. Oh well.

I agree with you, Maria, that usually Beleghebamme are there only to help the baby come into the world, and that often the midwives can be non-commital in terms of what to do, pediatricians, etc.
I believe that this is why it's important to 'shop around' if possible (even to meet the midwife doing the birth prep class if possible) so that you can get a taste of what she is like.
With Sabine, my Beleghebamme, I met her when I was pregnant with #1, and wasn't really AP-oriented. I had only originally agreed to BF for more than 6 mo because dh wanted his children to have 'the best' (he wasn't BFd). So, I met with Sabine, who oriented me to a drug-free childbirth, using either 'Hocker' or a waterbirth, going to a homeopathic pediatrician...VERY AP. I thought...this midwife is REALLY a bit too alternative for me. While she didn't push me at all to use HER methods, I gradually began to shift my train of thought and consider all that she had to offer. It turns out that AP-style is/was MY style, and so we ended up getting along wonderfully.
She encourages women who do end up birthing in a clinic/hospital to have an 'Ambulant birth' (where you go home several hours after a healthy birth), which is what we'll try this time because I don't want to leave dd for too long.
But Sabine is the ONLY midwife I know about who is AP-oriented (aside from another homebirthing midwife that Sabine knows very well in the area). Most of the others tend to be a mixture of attitudes - many of them not very supportive of natural birth or baby carrying - much less co-sleeping, EBFing and the like.
It was really just chance that I happened upon this midwife.

But I'm SO GLAD I don't have to have Alba as my midwife outside the birth prep classes. She IS doing a lot of toning work (you know...Aaaaaaaaa....Eeeeeee....Ooooooooo), which I found helped a lot for the birth of #1, so maybe everything won't be so bad after all...

[behr]

Funny, the ONE AP-oriented, hb mw in the Konstanz area is also called Sabine.

[SwissMama]

LOL, i know i am late - but i had to comment. I had a strange Hebamme for our birthing course too, it was the only one left that wasnt full.

She also recommended the olive oil tampon thing.

In our birthing class, husbands were not allowed, which i thought was really strange, since *I* already know how labour goes, I was hoping *he* would pick up what to expect and how to support me through labour. (which actually ended up being really significant since my labour went horribly wrong and he just stood there in the corner for 8 hours with a stunned look on his face - don't get me started :lol )

During our classes, she had us pair up with another woman and *taught* us to give each other foot massages. I still think that was weird - what use is that? So we can offer a foot massage to the nurses while we are in labour??

Anyways, I did pick her for my postpartum midwive, I dont know why, i think i just had a very cloudy perception of how things worked in Germany. I don't think she was very AP at all because I was having massive BF problems and she didnt seem to care and seemed really distant. She also had us buy ALOT ALOT of stuff, it was like she kept on selling up Weleda stuff, and we kept buying it because at the time, we were new parents and didnt know any better and were nervous.

I will definitely scope out my own midwife far far in advance for the next baby. I now have contacts for a lot of AP midwives in the area - they are more around Tübingen/Rottenberg though so probably not of use to Holly.

Holly, are you going to the filderklinik? Thats what I am thinking about doing for the next one. Let me know if you have any pros or cons about it. It seems to jive more with my own philosphies.