having a bad day

[snuffles]

I haven't posted on this forum in a while.

I have really been in a real funk the past couple of days. I have had depression and anxiety and OCD for several years now.

Ever since the birth of my last child I have spent much time obsessing about her. I mean like when she was born they used a vacuum extraction (long story) and I worried from the beginning if maybe she was harmed by it. Then I have worried off and on about little things. I did the same thing with my other daugher but not nearly as bad. This one did not start babbling until 6 1/2 months or so and I was freaked out that she would never talk. NOw she is 11 months and only says uh oh. She doens't point or wave yet and I'm really freaked something might be wrong with her. She has had yeast rash problems on her bottom and I read somewhere that lots of autistic kids have yeast problems. So I really obsess about that. My other kids were saying hi, bye, etc. by now and I can't help but compare.

SOme days I am okay, but this morning I am sitting here crying, for fear that maybe she will never talk, will never be "normal". I have always wanted lots of kids but the fear is so overwhelming I don't think I can bear to have any more. I wish I could just relax and be normal

Anyway that is all for now, I just needed to vent.

Mel

[motherkins]

Sorry you are having a bad couple of days. Is there anyone that you can go see, a therapist or something like that? Anxiety is just horrible. I remember after my son was born I read a little short story, or something like that, from a mom whose son was ignored by some older kids that he was trying to make friends with. I could not stop thinking about it and crying that older kids were going to ignore my son one day and his feelings would be hurt. I know it sounds absurd, holding an infant that had never even been outside and sobbing for the future, but that's just how it was. I was afraid to have another child after the first, and have some relief now knowing that they have each other, even if I never have the courage to have another.

Try to look at what's going on right now objectively. The birth is history at this point, right? You can't do that over. What does your ped say about the rashes? It's normal for some kids to talk late, right? What's the worst that you can imagine? That your baby has autism? Would you love her any less? People who have children with autism manage, so you could too if you had to, right?

I don't mean to sound preachy. Anxiety sucks and I am sending strong thoughts your way.

[snuffles]

Originally posted by motherkins
Sorry you are having a bad couple of days. Is there anyone that you can go see, a therapist or something like that? Anxiety is just horrible. I remember after my son was born I read a little short story, or something like that, from a mom whose son was ignored by some older kids that he was trying to make friends with. I could not stop thinking about it and crying that older kids were going to ignore my son one day and his feelings would be hurt. I know it sounds absurd, holding an infant that had never even been outside and sobbing for the future, but that's just how it was. I was afraid to have another child after the first, and have some relief now knowing that they have each other, even if I never have the courage to have another.

Try to look at what's going on right now objectively. The birth is history at this point, right? You can't do that over. What does your ped say about the rashes? It's normal for some kids to talk late, right? What's the worst that you can imagine? That your baby has autism? Would you love her any less? People who have children with autism manage, so you could too if you had to, right?

I don't mean to sound preachy. Anxiety sucks and I am sending strong thoughts your way.

thanks for your reply...

no i do not see a therapist or anything like that. i have thought about it before, but first of all is money (money is tight) and also I would have a hard time going with the 11 mo.. she is very attached to me and doesn't let me leave her for very long with anyone.

My ped says that yeast rashes can be very hard to get rid of. But still it just bugs me that I can't keep it away. I mean it has been away for about a month now but sometimes when she poops she gets bumps again andI have to use cream every day to keep it away. The worst I can imagine is that she will never connect with me or her siblings. Her older sister is only 14 months ahead of her, and I want them to be close sisters. NO of course I wouldn't love her any less but I just don't think I could deal with it. I would obsess over what I did wrong or could have done to prevent it. Yes it is normal for kids to talk late but I just keep comparing her to my other kids who were saying so much at this age. :crying

[wolfmom]

hey there! I'm am sending peaceful thoughts to you today! All of us agonize over our kids to some extent and there are days when you just have to take it min by min. Try to ask yourself if you really need to worry about everything at once. By that I mean don't worry about things a year or more down the road. Just focus on the short term - only today if necessary. If it helps at all, I see many children who don't speak for a long time and it's not a developmental delay -they just don't have the desire to speak yet. Also, don't beat yourself up about the yeast thing! Even the most perfect mother would have a hard time getting rid of yeast. It is just so stubborn!! Besides, none of us are perfect -and we shouldn't be. It would make life too boring! Try and give yourself and your babes plenty of love and patience. It sounds like you're doing a great job!

[motherkins]

Hi mat4mel. Wolfmom is right. One day at a time. It will be ok. There is a great book, This Isn't What I Expected by Karen Kleiman. It's about overcoming postpartum depression and she has lots of great exercises that you can do to help with your thinking (because you know you let your thinking get carried away--that's what anxiety and OCD will do). It's like a workbook in some areas. She also has the great reminders of how to take care of yourself, that you know you should do but probably don't, like exercise, etc. She has a website, postpartumstress.com, which I just mentioned to someone else on this thread (I don't mean to sound like a commercial for her--she's just an expert on PPD. She founded the postpartum stress center here in Rosemont, PA, outside of Phila.). The book would be cheaper than a therapist!

You are doing everything right for your kids. It will be ok. And if you can't afford the book, pm me with your address and I'll mail you my old one!

[Foobar]

Sorry you are having some tough times.
:hug

Some times, the milestones thing KILLS me. My dd is slow on gross motor skills and I try so hard to not obsess. It's hard, I know!

For the speak, would it help if I told you my BIL didn't speak until he was 3! He just didn't have anything to say! He knew how to speak, he just didn't see the point. Some kids are like that and some develop speach slower, but it doesn't mean they are going to have a lifelong problem (yeah, I know, I can tell you that, but it doesn't help the anexity...)

Anyway, I just wanted to offer a :hug

[Jish]

Just to let you know that your child sounds just like my first. He did absolutely everything on the late side. He also had a miserable time with yeast infections. He finally just seemed to grow out of them once he got up and moving more. What I did for my boys was put the lotrimin on them and put a pair of underware on them so if they peed, it didn't go everywhere, but it gave their heinies a chance to air out. Also, use the lotrimin a couple days after you think the infection is gone.

As for the anxiety, you should really try to see someone. Is there anyone who can see you on a sliding scale? The Lexapro (my AD)has been a lifesaver for me. Zoloft is the safest for breastfeeding and I believe that it works for anxiety also. If you are anything like me, you have no idea how far from normal you are. I definitely don't want to see you wind up as bad as I was when I was admitted to the hospital last September. As much as I think that general doctors suck when it come to dealing with illnesses as these, if insurance covers them, go for it. Do your research and let them know what you want.

You would not believe what a difference the med has made in my life. I feel so great now. The only time I notice the anxiety is around my period, and it is still not nearly as bad as it was before. If you let it go for too long, your body might simply do what mine did, and give out.

PM me if you need to talk. I've been busy lately, but never to busy for you.:hug