My friend had her home vbac we were planning ours together

[Barcino]

I heard today from my friend... I have been thinking about her lately I knew she was due anyday. She had her home vbac everythign went smoothly. When I had my home vbac I lost my son. I am so happy for her and at the same time it hurts so badly. Why could I not have that too? That is so much what I wanted... my son was born at home and vaginally but there was an occult cord prolapse that was not discovered until four minutes before his birth and he suffered brain damage that took his life a week later :(
I want to only be happy for her but it just hurts too much. I feel like I am falling apart. Our first experiences were the same... both had csections for asynclitic babies... I was at a birth center had to transport she was at the hospital. We planned our vbacs together both at home... I just dont understand why I could not have had the same beautiful birth... and my baby. Why am I so cursed when it comes to birthing when it is the most important thing for me? They tell me that this was a total freak accident and that I have no reason not to have a vaginal birth the next time around but it is hard believing that my body wont fail me again and that I wont end up either with a csection or a dead baby. Obvously I want a csection if that is what it takes but why can I not have it all when i work so hard for it. When it is so important for me. Please know that first and foremost I want a healthy baby in my arms... no matter how but why can I not have it all?

BTW My friend was so sweet and gentle breaking in the news of her birth. She truly is a great friend I am thankful for her. She even told me that she thinks of Grant daily and that means the world to me.

[dziejen]

Barcino,
I ask myself why all the time and there is no answer. I am so sorry that you are hurting. It is hard to be happy for someone else when you are so sad for yourself. :Hug I will be thinking of you.

[BethanyB]

Barcino,

I don't have any of the answers to your questions; I have been asking those same questions myself. My dh's employer has MS, and he spent some time asking "Why me?", but then started asking himself "Why not me?". Sh*t happens to people. Some people get cancer, some people are paralyzed in car accidents, and some people lose their babies. Unless you are religious, there aren't any answers, but that doesn't keep us from asking, and it certainly doesn't make us feel any better. You have a right to ask, and you have a right to be pissed off.
When I think about all the problems my son had- all due to one extra f*cking chromosome (it's amazing how one extra chromosome messes everything up), I ask myself why. But then I try to think about a client of mine, and her grandson's situation. He was born with such severe brain damage that he literally lost 50% of his brain function. This little guy just turned two. For some reason, he survived. He will never walk, never talk, never be able to feed himself, etc. Now, he had an intestinal blockage a few weeks ago and is dying. What a terrible situation! He shouldn't have lived. He has had no quality of life, and has been in alot of pain. If there is a God, why did God decide to let him live in the state he is in? Like I said before, there are no answers. I realize how terribly depressing this story is, and I'm not telling it to bum you out. But at least our babies didn't have to suffer like he is suffering. Thinking of that is really the only thing that makes me able to accept what happened to my son; that's why I am sharing it with you. You will be in my thoughts, Barcino. - :heartbeat , Brooke

[mrsalf97]

I am so sorry you are hurting! :hug

[Gray's Mommy]

There are no easy answers to why your pregnancy & birth went the way they did and why your friend's went smoothly. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

[Barcino]

I just wanted to say after a horrible day yesterday I am back in *control* if my emotions today and feeling better. I am glad for her but I figured out I need to not dwell on what I do not have and concentrate on all the blessings in my life and keep on hoping for what the future might hold.

I am lucky to have a friend like her who is so thoughtful and gentle towards me and who remembers my son with such affection. :throb