guilt over feeling better

[Maderella]

I lost my baby when I was 21 weeks and grieved for several months afterwards. Fairly recently I have been feeling like it was okay that it happened, that maybe it was for the best. My oldest child has some physical disabilities and a learning disability that takes up much of my time and effort and my youngest is at a difficult age. My husband lost his job last year and still hasn't found another.

The thing is I am feeling so guilty for being okay with losing her - god, even writing it makes me feel sick. Am I awful? I was so devestated when it happened, how can I be okay with it now?

[mama4gals]

Oh mama, put the stick away and stop beating yourself over the head with it. What's happening to you is called healing, and it's a beautiful thing that happens to us to enable us to go on living. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. I've had 4 miscarriages. The 1st was 13 wks, and completely unexpected and sudden. Then I had 3 more, earlier (6 or so wks), the last one in Sept 05. With this last one, I had been half expecting a m/c. I had told myself that I was open to new life, but that I realized that being open meant being open to the fact I might m/c again. When the spotting started, I began lecturing myself, saying that although I hoped desperately that I was not having a m/c, I knew it didn't look good, and that I would be okay. I told myself that I had a very full life, a husband and 4 girls who very much needed all my attention, and that even though I wanted a baby, it would have been a great strain on everyone. I'm 42, and no spring chicken. Pg is harder as you get older, and so is having a tiny baby. I think I had to do this to be able to get through yet another m/c. When the bleeding started for real, I was glad to know the truth, at least, and glad I hadn't been farther along when it happened. I guess I felt a need to make the best of a bad situation. Otherwise, I might have fallen apart. And I just couldn't do that. There was too much going on in my life for me to fall apart. My mom was dying (she died Nov 3), my kids were all at various needy stages, etc. So I got through. I have spent many nights here at the computer, typing and crying when everyone else was in bed. The ladies here all carried me through.

All this is to say, rejoice in the fact that you are feeling better! It doesn't mean you love your lost baby any less. It means that you are human, and responding in a human way. We aren't meant to go through life grieving. To quote the Bible, to everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven. This is the time for you to be a mother to your precious living children, and a support for your husband. Good luck to you, mama, and we are here for you whenever you need us!

Liz

[Barcino]

Last time I thought I was feeling ok and started feeling guilty.... well that same day I felt horrible. I think grief is like a wave that comes and goes. Enjoy the peaceful times ... you always love your baby no matter what having more good days than bad days is part of healing and we all need that.
That does not mean that we forget or that we do not love. I will probably love Grant more deeply than anybody else in my life. He holds a special place in my heart forever :throb

[theboysmama]

I agree w/ the pp. I just wanted to respond bcs I have done this same thing to myself. I just recently had my 2 nd m/c and it was sooner and easier than my 1st so I am feeling ok w/ what has happened even though I am very sad but then I feel really guilty bcs I am not sadder, then when I get sad I feel bad for being so sad since this was easier than the last time. We beat ourselves up so much. Just know that what you are going through is normal and that you don't love your baby any less just bcs you feel ok. My mom died 11 yrs ago and I am ok that she has gone. I don't even know what life would be like w/ her since it has been so long but I don't love her any less bcs I am finally ok.
Hang in there mama and know that you are not alone.

[ilovemyavery]

I know how you feel mama... I had a m/c in Nov. at about 7 weeks. We weren't TTC then and it was a real shock. I was going to donate a kidney to my dad and then wasn't able to because of the pregnancy. I had just started a new job and mat. leave would have been difficult this summer, etc. As hard as it was to loose the baby, I had a sense of peace in knowing that the timing really wasn't right. It also literally allowed me to give life back to my dad, by donating the kidney last week. Now we can't TTC until August, which is the hardest part. Peace to you mama, know that what you are feeling is fine