Your Cheatin' Heart (long)

[kittyb4me]

I am hoping you Daddy's on here can give me some insight. My Dh and I have been having some issues in regards to sex & affection since the birth of dd in June. He recently told me that he is unhappy, I bitch & nag too much, etc. He is also no longer attracted to me. I will own up to the nagging, and I will admit that I am touched out at the end of the day, and am less than amorous come bed time. But, he comes home to clean kids, relatively clean house, cooked meal, bills paid, etc. And I am not some ugly hag. Maybe caring a few too many PP pounds, but , nothing unreasonable.

So, he finally admitted last weekend that he has been seeing someone else. Has only been going on for about 2 or 3 weeks, but this is a person he has frequent contact with, as she is a business aquaintance. She got involved with him not knowing he was married with 2 kids. (yeah, he lied to her too.) We had always discussed that we would stay together no matter what, b/c we wanted our kids raised in a 2 parent home. But, this is tearing me to pieces. He is confused and 1 minute wants to work on our marriage, and the next he wants to be with other woman. She also has 2 kids, and I think he is getting attached to them as well. BTW, she is not significantly younger than I am , and we actually are just about the same size, so I am not understanding the motivation here.

He told me last night that tomorrow he will be taking our son to spend sometime with her and her boys. I have a problem bringing another woman into my kids' lives. I think that is a pretty unfair request on his part, and can't imagine him being receptive to the idea if the tables were turned.

If only he would have been honeset from the start, I might would have considered exploring an open marriage, but now he has violated my trust. My head is spinning, as I truly thought this person was my soulmate, and the person I would grow old with. I don't understand how it could go so wrong in such a short amount of time. I also cannot blame a mid-life crisis, as he is not quite 30 yet, so I think he's too young for that catagory. In every other respect, he is a wonderful man, and typically a great dad. He usually displays good judgment and maturity.

Can anyone offer any insight as to what may be going through his head? I try so hard to be a good wife and mother, and I am taking this as a slap in the face. Many people have told him how lucky he is to have the life he does, and yet he seems to want to just throw it away. Do any of you guys out there have it all, yet still crave more? I am just hoping to maybe get a different spin on this so maybe I can try to understand where he is coming from. I personally think he is being extremely selfish, and not even considering how I might be feeling staying home with 2 small children all day, nursing, cloth diapering, etc. Never mind that we just moved to this dinky little town with no social outlet 8 months ago.

So what do you think?

[crayon]

Hello,

I am sorry for your situation. I do not think you are over reacting. I truly feel it is unfair of your husband to take your child around this woman for a few reasons: First, he doesn’t even know how he feels about her, or about your relationship. Second, these are your babies, yes his too, but you are not the one who is bringing them around other men. What does he expect your children to call her, what is his explanation to them for what ever kind of contact your children see them do? I think it is very disrespectful of him to want it both ways. Especially with your children, they are too young to understand why daddy is doing this, where does mommy fit in? I think that you have a right to feel betrayed. Maybe he did do the right thing by being honest now, but it would have been a lot easier to work though if he would have come to you with the feelings in the first place and he doesn’t deserve a pat on the back at all. And like you said if he would have talked about an open marriage before that could have been dealt with, and you would have had time to except it or walk away, and now that you have children it is a bit late for him to change his mind about the life and family he wanted and has. I know you have to be going crazy, I am so sorry. I know you are here to vent and get some advice, I don’t know you, but I do know what love is and in truth there are some things that are better for your kids than a 2 parent house. They have to know that you first and foremost respect yourself enough and your children enough not to be hurt, used and victimized. Your children will respect you more for taking a stand. And, yes he may be a good father, but he can be a good father with out sleeping in your house until he makes the commitment to be there 100%. Good luck to you, Angela

[Dunn_Dad______]

^^ I could not have said it better myself.
I am truly sorry to hear your situation, and the more I read, the more angry I got. I can't believe he would even consider bringing your child into this situation without it being resolved. That doesn't sound very responsible or mature.

As far as "Mid-life Crisis" goes, speaking as someone slightly older(31), I can say that starting a family at an early age would bring that on a little sooner(I'm going through it a bit myself with the punk-rock music and skateboarding, all of which I've been pretty much without since early college years :jammin). But that is not an excuse, at any age!

I can understand you appreciating his honesty(now), but sometimes it's too late.

I feel for you sister, hope things work out for the best.
:hippie

[gurumama]

I absolutely would not let him take your child to meet her!

How dare he use your CHILD to bond with this woman?!?

I know you're reeling from this, but I would be adamant on that issue. I can tell you, FROM EXPERIENCE, that if your child goes out with them, when your child is older, he/she will have some tough times trying to understand why Daddy made him/her spend time with is MISTRESS while still married to Mommy.

It happened to me when I was 6, and I figured it out when I was about 15 (Mom told me the name of the mistress and I realized, to my great distress, that it was Cathy, the nice lady we went to BBQs with. Ugh.) and I had so many conflicts over it. Makes me feel slimy to this day.

Good luck,

Mel

[kittyb4me]

He actually told me it was his son too and he was going to do it whether I liked it or not. The crappy part is my only family lives 5 hours away. I do not want to uproot my kids from their home so Daddy can "play" with his GF. I feel like that's exactly what he expects me to do, so he doesn't have to be the one who makes the final decision. I was absolutley heart-broken this morning when they left. My poor son is terribly confused, I'm sure. I don't know if I have any legal recourse, as NC has some weird family and seperation laws. I am also scared to leave or throw him out, as I do not want to be forced to stick my kids in daycare and got to work. I am committed to remaining a SAHM, as that is all my kids have known from birth, and I don't think that should have to change b/c Daddy wants to chase skirts. I feel like the town fool, as I know that people will look at me wiith pity, "There goes ***** with the baby, while her husband is running around with ***** right under her nose, the poor thing!" God, I love small towns.

[Quirky]

Kathleen, I am so sorry. I know this is not what you signed up for, and you have every reason to be hurt and angry.

I think you need to start writing down what your husband has said and done to you, and to your kids. Especially his confession of infidelity and his taking your son, against your will, to go visit with his new girlfriend. Then I think you need to find out who the best divorce lawyer is in town, and go talk to him/her right away about your options, and what kind of support you'd be entitled to if you left. Then you need to lay it on the line with your husband - shape up or ship out. He should not be able to have his cake and eat it, too. And most especially he should not be able to hurt and confuse your kids and teach them that this is the right way to act in a marriage.

I am saying this in large part because my dad cheated on my mom for years, and said horrible things to her all the time, like you're too fat, etc. (Which wasn't true, but he likes his women on the anorexic side). My mom was a SAHM (my dad was in the military, she didn't really have a choice) and felt like she had no options to get out. When he finally left her after 33 years of (a crappy) marriage, she felt like she wasted the best years of her life out of fear, and had so much baggage to deal with from all the shit he laid on her for years and years. Not to mention very few career skills with which to support herself. My sisters and I wish in hindsight that she had left a lot sooner: our dad was a pretty crappy dad, too. I think the two often go hand in hand: crappy husband, crappy father. My sisters and I have had to work hard to reverse some of the lessons my parents taught us by their example, in terms of what we should tolerate and not in relationships. A 2 parent household is no gift to a child if one of the parents is a terrible role model.

OK, this is a novel, and I'm sounding very preachy, I know. I know it would be terribly hard for you to start over at this point, but I also know from my mom's example that if one person is not committed to the marriage, you're going to have to start over sooner or later, and it's a lot easier sooner than later. And that you shouldn't spend years being unhappy, because this is the only life you've got.

A big :hug to you, Kathleen.

[oatmeal]

Open marriage? Sorry if this is non-"Mothering" rhetoric but what's the point of taking vows if everyone's going to go out when the going gets tough and sew their oats?

I could never maintain with a man that way. Maybe that's why I am not married.

All I can say is that your feelings seem really healthy to me and if I were you I would kick and scream against your husband doing this - not to you, but to your child. It's selfish, cruel and more than unhealthy for your child. I think you should cal lyour family five hours away and have them come over and support you immediately with this. These actions on your husband's part will affect your child for the rest of his life.

Seems to me that the adults here need to start acting like adults, your husband like a father, you like a mother (I mean in the "Bear" sense of the word) and this other woman like a freaking HUMAN BEING. I'm sorry, but when we have children, our own concerns take a back seat to the child's well-being, period.

I am sorry for your dilemma. I can only imagine the pain...

[crayon]

Hey,
I know how you feel about staying home with your kids. But the unfortunate thing here is that the lesser of two evils is to work and not let your babies see daddy-taking advantage of you. It may not be a bad idea to go stay with your family for a week or so to let your mind get free from dealing with him everyday, and talk to you family and get advice. I can only imagine how embarrassed you are, even though you know you have done noting wrong. You know if you stay they town will be talking and you are being the fool. He will try to play your children against you and you need to protect them and get them out of this situation. Your babies will respect you tremendously even if you are a working mom. There are great jobs you can do from home too; you just have to find the right company. You may want to talk to a psychologist about how to handle questions from your son. I know that kids don’t always understand and they look to their parents for answers, and you need to have the right ones to make him feel safe with you and comfortable asking you hard questions. You also have to remember if your husband is breaking these promises he has made to you and your family, you can’t trust him not to be telling your son misinformation as well. From obvious current experiences he cannot be trusted. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted.

[kittyb4me]

I went to to an attorney today and it's not looking so good. I will not get near enough child/spousal support to make it. And I will probably only get spousal support until baby turns 2. Whoever stays in the house will be financially responsible for it. I could be forced to stick kids in daycare and go back to work. How any court system thinks that daycare is better than Momcare is beyond me. So the best I can hope for is that h will agree to some private terms without getting his own attorney. But the up side is that as long as the baby is BFing, his visitation with her will be limited to a few hours at a stretch. So I will now BF as long as I possibly can. Shoot, I may even stop by her kindergarten class to give her some milk!! Unfortunately, DS has been weaned for sometime. I still may consider heading over to my parents, but if I pack up to do that, he may interpret this as me leaving, and he could legally change the locks, so I then could not return without being invited. My only card up my sleeve is that I can file a civil suit against the other woman for alienation of affection. I am still hoping that this will burn itself out quickly, and I can have my family back in one piece.

[Rotifer]

I am still hoping that this will burn itself out quickly, and I can have my family back in one piece.

This will sound harsh... your husband is a stunted bastard. Your sound health (and that of your children) requires that you approach this from the perspective that your marriage is over. The kids are young, they will adapt without harm if you maintain a civil relationship with their father and encourage him to take an active role in their daily lives. Strength to you, and stay in touch!



Dunn_Dad: I'm also 31 and I never stopped mountain biking, climbing, sking - and loving good punk. It's the secret to eternal pleasure! Woo hoo! Congratulations on your re-discovery.

[Quirky]

:hug :hug :hug

You've got a hard row to hoe in front of you. I'm glad you talked to an attorney to get an idea of your options. I hope you will be able to make some decisions that will give you some peace in the long run.

Keep coming here for support whenever you need it - there are a lot of moms here who have faced similar problems, and a lot of moms here who will give you a hug whenever you need one!

[jfatton]

Kitty, I am afraid Rotifer hit it on the head. First, you have all our sympathy for having this "man" in your life...the hard work is now ahead of you: Pick up whatever pieces are left and re-build your life.

HIs actions are not due to anything lacking on your part (even if she was totally unlike you...then fact that she is so similar to you prove that he's not looking for something"new"). They are just proof that he is not your soulmate, as you once thought. Of course you heart is broken, and it should be. Keep this thought in mind: He broke it.

If you can get some family support, go for it. Have them come and visit as long as they can. Document what's going on (it'll come in handy once divorce proceedings begin). And change the locks next time he goes on a road trip to GF's house. Harsh? Yes. But necessary.

Jane's comment (A 2 parent household is no gift to a child if one of the parents is a terrible role model) is also right on the money. Model to your son that his father's actions are unacceptable. And Your daughter will come to learn that lesson as well.

We will be praying for you to have the strength to do what (we know from experience) is so hard...but not as hard as staying with someone who still needs to grow the @#$%^ up. You are a wonderful mom...be the bear mom that this situation demands you to be.

Hang in there. There is much support for you on these boards. Lean on us.

Joe and Rose

[Alenushka]

I have one and it works for us. But we were this way form day one. we both knew what we wnated before we even dated seriously. no one should be forced into open marriage my default. and it is not a soultion against divorce either. we were at the brink once after my mom;s deaht. it was a combination of my depression and him not helping enought. So, we went to therapy. I ahve to say, with a sence of certain vindication, thatn therapist said 905 of everything I was was saying. I guess paying $135/hr made my husband listne. Bu the other 10% were directed at me, and I could see hoe I neede to change.
You Dh lied to you and the other woman. there is nothing open about it.
I do belive that parents should try to stay togehter. Stable famnilies are good. Why do not you set some kind of time line (it sill give you time to prepare for the worst) and attend marriage counseling for few months?

[traci5489]

Not much to add here, but if you are really afraid of leaving children at daycare and working, you might research home day care in your area and find out how it pays and how you get your license. It was a solution for us when I wanted to quit working and stay home with my kids and before dh had a job that could support us completely. I had my kids home with me and a few (1-3 at different times) other kids M-F during the work day and it was just fine. I don't know, just thought that maybe that would be an option to make up the difference in what you will get in support and what you need to support your family. Good luck to you and your children.

[kittyb4me]

Thanks so much for all your support. Everyone has made some good points and given me some ideas. Here's where we are at now. I am going to try and find someone to rent either my basement, or house-share. H will try to find a place of his own. Hopefully, I can get enough rent so that he can move out. In the meantime, I have asked that she not come to our house, property, etc and he is not to take the kids when he will be seeing her. After he moves out, he has agreed that she will not be an overnight guest when he has kids. He really cannot take the baby on overnights. I will also prob'ly take the kids and go to Oregon to visit some friends and family for a few weeks.

[crayon]

I am sorry you are living this nightmare. I am glad that you at least have control over your baby and bf forever girl!! I think it will all work out with time, and I think you will see that your kids will respect you for standing up and not getting pushed around. I hope you can find the support you need with your family. And I know that are able to make it on your own, I think that a renter in your house is a good idea. Good luck, but keep us posted!!
Ang

[Quirky]

Kathleen, I am so sorry for all the pain you must be going through but I am very impressed that you have found the courage to move forward rather than get stuck. A big :hug to you and your babies, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

[gurumama]

i'm so sorry you're going through this. good luck with renting.

mel

[papachee]

kittyb4me

I'm really sorry. You were looking for some insight into his thinking from a Daddy. I have to admit I don't understand you dh at all. I find his behaviour reprehensible. I understand your position much better.

Be strong, you are thinking about what is best for your children, again, I don't know what he is thinking of!

[justagirl]

Talk to the lawyer about suing his girlfriend for breaking up your marriage. That's not just tv stuff like on Ally McBeal, you can do it in real life. If more people started doing it, maybe more women would think twice about screwing around w/married men.

[simonee]

Originally posted by justagirl
If more people started doing it, maybe more women would think twice about screwing around w/married men.

Sorry, justagirl, I think you got the perp wrong here. It's the married man who was at fault here. A single woman can screw around with whoever she wants ~ it's the partnered person who should abstain from that.

Anyhoo, Kathleen I've been reading this thread with great admiration for you. Your h sounds like a very immature, selfish man, and you're obviously very strong and caring. You'll come out of this fine, and your children will be so much better off without this man as a continuous presence in their lives. Wishing you much strength and peace :love

[Alenushka]

"If more people started doing it, maybe more women would think twice about
screwing around w/married men."

Men are not little boys lead to sin by Jezebels. If you assume that this is how world is
and men have no control over their penises, we all might as well cover ourselves with
burkas, as to protect men from sin
Married men or women, were not a piece of property with a stake and a sing on it
"Do no thread on me", they are human being with desires and wants. And if
someone, men or women, decides to follows those desires and break the wows, it is
their hell to pay as far as divorce and alimony
Maybe you gather all your information about the world form Ally McBeal, but I can
tell you what is happening in the real world. Quiet often, married partner in the affairs
(men or women ) keeps their marital status a secret. Who do you sue then?
It it really is better just to divorce, get the custody and money worked out and get on
with your life.
another thing about suing someone on the basis of their character flaw, is that it
opens the door to another party to bring all kinds of issues against you "Looks you
honor, the woman is a pervert and nursed out kid till 3, of course, I had to find sex
on the side. and she never uses any medicines, just herbs, and she refused normal
birth control". And if you sue another women, she can claim 2 thing, that the wife knew about the affair and did not care until she thought of getting some money, or that she, the women herself was not aware of the married status Attorney are very good in finding loopholes to bring all kind os
unrelated facts in

[kittyb4me]

We do still have an "Alienation of Affection" law on the books in NC. I have considered this road, but it will not bring my family back to me. It is still a card I may play in the future, but not right now. And simonee, you are right as well. Yes, H was the one to take their flirting a step further, but his gf found out he was married about 2 weeks into their affair. She has continued to pursue him, even knowing that we are still living in the same house at this time.

I will prob'ly move back to OR w/my kids. It's where I will be happy, I won't have the affair in my face everyday, and I will not have to worry about gf being in my kids' lives. If H chooses to stay and continue this behavior, fine. If he chooses to move closer to his kids, that would be great too. I am just now looking to take care of me, so I can take care of my babies. This is going to be so hard, but I think it is what's best. I just hope they don't resent me for moving them so far away from their dad. I can only pray that someday it will all make sense to them.

Thanks again for everyone's continued support.

[jfatton]

Kitty, it is better if you can get your life back on track. If that means going to OR, go. Gather what strength you can by being home. A network of family and therapists/counselors can help your kids make sense of what's going on.

Thay won't "resent" you in the end. They'll thank you for standing up as a mother and wife. You are modeling behavior for them. The right kind of behavior.

You are right to pray that "someday it will all make sense to them." Their father's actions don't make sense. It is good for them that your actions will.

You're all in our prayers.

Joe and Rose

[gabesmama]

Kathleen,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Going back to OR sounds like it would be the best option for you. As far as the other woman or suing is concerned (my .02) If you can find it in your heart (or even if you can put on a good show) befriend her. When your kids visit their father most likely she will be the one caring for them. You don't want her to take out any animosity on your kids. Furthermore, if she can dislike you it is easier for her to justify her and your husband's behavior.

You should feel sorry for her. She is a single mom with a liar boyfriend. Her future looks pretty grim.

Good luck to you and continue being strong.

Lori

[queencarr]

Kathleen, I wanted to say how sorry I am for you. One thing that I wanted to mention from a friend of ours who had a cheating h while she was pg and bf; because he was having sex (without a condom, no less) with gf's and also with his unsuspecting wife, it was considered putting his children at risk because of the possible transmission of disease (possibly passed unaware to her, then to baby before birth/through nursing). May be a trump card if you need it regarding custody. I know that in her case it got her full custody with very little visitation rights of the father, because he was considered to have impaired judgement because of this endangerment. Not trying to scare you or give you anything else to worry about, but in case you needed something to force custody issues in your direction. Also, if your agreed upon plan with h before gf was to stay home with your kids until age X wih him providing full support, bring that up to the lawyer/judge. You may be able to force him to support you until that age, as you gave up your work skills, etc in full agreement with him.

Wishing you the best in a terrible circumstance.

Carrie

[kittyb4me]

Gabesmom, funny you should mention trying to befriend gf. When this first came to light, her & I had a few conversations. She even agreed to stop seeing him. Never happened though. My husband has also pushed from the start that he wants to take the kids sometimes when he goes to see her. I initially refused, but I then told him that if she wanted to spend time IN OUR HOME when I was present and give me the chance to see what kind of mom she is, then I would consider letting him do that. She refused that idea. She wants nothing to do with me, or letting me get to know her. So I am also looking at the move as a good one in the respect that I won't have to face that issue. I cannot see him getting any visitation here when we are in OR, as they are so young and could not travel alone for at least a few more years. I have acted with dignity and and nonviolently throughout this whole ordeal, so I have not given her any reason/ammo to think negatively of me, other than I am not giving in to their every whim.

Queencarr, I don't think he is going to give me any fight on custody. He knows I am overall a very good mom. But, I have started lining up my ducks on the health issues. I have my records from the summer showing I was disease free during pregnancy. I have also been to the health dept. and had the whole spectrum of test done-no results yet. I did talk to my attorney about the staying home thing, because we had agreed to me staying home until at least school age. Only problem is that NC is now a no-fault divorce state and so infidelity is not really taken into consideration. At most, I could force him to pay child support, and then he could be forced to give me 1/2 of his remaining income until dd is 2. That is only if I were to draw a very lenient judge, and most in my backwards neck of the woods would not award this at all, as they do not consider being a SAHM important to the kids. Go figure, it's so much better to stick them in some crappy, state-run daycare while mommy goes out to earn minimum wage. Anyway, I did get ahold of one of my friends in OR who stays home with her kids, and she will prob'ly keep my guys while I work. At least it's someone I know, who parents similarly, etc. She does not do home daycare, but her family is in a bad financial position, so this may work for her. At least they will be with another mom who feels just as strongly about staying home as I do.

Do you guys know how wonderful it is to have all your kind words, ideas, and encouragement to get me through this?:grouphug

[Alenushka]

If you do have to work, you do not need to think that all days cares are crappie run
state centers.
I work par time in my child in a great preschool with flexible extended care (he only
stay extra hours if we both work)
IT is a JCC run pre school. Like many YMCA's, JCCs have scholarship funds.
When we applied my DH was on disability for 6 months, and JCC gave us a great
discount. Many private preschool have extended hours and scholarships. Co-op
centers often give you a huge discount if you do work for them (off or on site)
The world is not black and white, stay home or work full time. There many
opportunities for working part time, at home, tellecommuting, consulting m your own
business ate home (anything you can imagine, form bakery to cat sitting) etc. For me,
one of the great things about having children was learning that 60 hour work week
was not necessary, that there was other ways to earn a leaving.
As far as minimal wage job... I do not know what skills you have... but you can get
yourself a great education. I went to college with my first son and I know many other
people who do. It is kind of advantageous to be in school with kids and easier in
many ways than work. Professors are far more understanding than bosses than you
miss work because of an ill kid. Many Jr Colleges and Universities have on site pre
school day care. And you can just leave you kids there for 2-4 hours of you classes.
And becuase you will be single mom with kids, you have good change of getting a
good financial aid package.
My mom was a single mom and she run undeground publishing company in Russia.
She made moeny for us to survive and advance many caues with her work. When
we got home from school, she was there for us. We ofthen helped her too.