my sil being induced... do I go??!!

[artgirl]

My brother and sil lost one pregnancy at around 8 wks a year and a half ago. She had a d&c... no one from my family went to be with them. They live in Chicago... about a 4 hour drive from here.
Well, she got pregnant again in Aug. and they found out yesterday morning that there were no more heart sounds. She's about 6 months. They are inducing her... pitocin, whatever you get to soften your cervix, etc.
My dad and stepmom talked to my brother and he said that they are fine and not to come.

My heart tells me to get in the car and drive.
This will be sil's first labor and delivery. I feel like the family should come just as if they baby were being born alive and healthy to honor them all.
I told my dad and stepmom that they didn't have to come up to the hospital when my son was born healthy and they still got out of bed at 2 a.m. and came to see him.
Even though they really did not have to come, I wouldn't have been upset, I was touched that they did. It was a nice show of love and support and...
I don't know. I'm just in tears for my brother and sil. They wanted this baby soooo badly. He just called me the night before to tell me he'd put together the crib. :bawl

so anyway... I just want to get in the car and drive but I don't know if I should listen to my brother saying "they're fine, don't come" or if I should just go. I have no experience in this. Can anyone give me some advice?

[It's me!]

That is a really tough one. I lost my last child at 12 weeks, I can only IMAGINE the devestation at 6 months (which is where I am now in my pg.)

When I lost mine, I wanted my husband and my Mom (very close, best friends), and my kids around me, but I really didn't want to see anybody else. My brother and sil's stayed away and I was glad. They called and spoke to my Mom or DH, so I knew they were thinking of me (which was important), but I just didn't want to interact with anybody. One of my SIL's brought by a take out dinner for us that was very sweet and I loved her for it. SHe also didn't stay, which I loved also. My situation is a little different in that I am VERY close to my Mom and my brother, but don't really have anybody else that I "want" to be around much other than them and my brother is a brother, so although we are close, I don't depend on him in emmotional situations. I also have all my family and all of DH's family close by.

I also had a friend send me flowers and it hurt really bad to look at them. I appreciated the gesture and I know it was so well intended, but I hated those flowers, I just couldn't stand to look at them, and answering the door to receive them was awful. The poor delivery guy doesn't know it is a "bad" bouque as opposed to a "happy" bouque.

BUT having said all that, everyone handles grief so differently it is so hard to know what to do and I don't envy your decision. I just thought I would give you my perspective. Now a few weeks after I lost the baby, I really really wanted people to talk to me about it and I needed to talk about my baby, but nobody wanted to then. Some thougth I was over it (obviously never losing a child themselves) and some were just scared to talk to me,,,because I would cry and they would feel bad, but I needed to cry. I felt like nobody was remembering my child and it was just over for everybody else but I still (9 months later and pg. with another) still cry at night. I don't think anybody knows that, or even thinks it might be that way for me.

Anyway, just one perspective for you to work with in your decision. Hopefully others will post, because there really is no normal reaction to go by and there is no RIGHT or WRONG response.

Good luke and hugs to your family

[nikisager]

I would let them know you want to come, that way they do not feel obliged to say we are ok alone. Let them know you simply want to be there for support, even if they are not comfy with you in the room while she is having the baby. Offer to stay a few dys and help her get back on her feet, she will need that emotionally and phisically. I would go if I were you, they are probably saying no so as they are not imposing on anyone so far away. Plus they are grieving, and tehy should not be the ones to tkae the crib down and other baby stuff, maybe you could do that for them as well.

[cornflower_3]

*

[artgirl]

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded and shared some perspective with me.
I did not end up going.
I talked to my SIL and brother on the phone after she delivered a stillborn baby girl and tried to express how much I'd wanted to be there for them. SIL said that she was touched but that she really felt kindof *private* about it and that she just wanted it to be over. I can respect that completely. I just wanted her to know how much I was thinking about them and not to think that we didn't come because we didn't think it was important.
SIL sounded well at that moment but I know it will be sooo hard. Her best friend is due the same time she would've been. SIL called her friend and told her that she just couldn't see her for awhile. That she was happy for her but that she, herself, felt too sad.
Thanks again.
It was good for me to hear brother and SIL's voice... sometimes its hard to believe they'd still be alive after such a tragedy you know? My brother still sounded like my brother.